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The Ten Wargame CommandmentsIt has been noted of late that the standards of the club are dropping to a completely unacceptable level. This is leading to brothers of good standing no longer attending as they should and a proliferation of brothers of the baser sort. In order to reverse this lamentable trend, brother Dougal of Carlton Colville humbly puts the following commandments forward for discussion and begs they be given acceptance. 1. Thou shalt not bring any figures unto the club to play thereto unless they be most abundantly and completely painted as the lord intended. Any brother so doing shall have his figures confiscated and most righteously smashed and mangled by his loving brothers whom have only his best interest at heart. Note : A brother shall be allowed to bring unpainted figures into the club as long as they are not used in a game. Trading, passing unto professional painters and generally worshipping new figures is permissible. 2. Thou shalt not bring thy woman, bird etc to the club. This is a most heinous crime, which of late is becoming prevalent amongst the younger brothers. Whilst it is important that the older brothers should show understanding and leniency towards their younger brethren, they do also have a most holy duty to educate said brothers as to the true and proper place for said consorts. I.e.; in the kitchen making your pies. In future any brother breaking this commandment shall be swiftly evicted from the club. 3. Thou shalt not kiss or fondle thy woman, bird etc in the Club. A similar crime to the above, but far worse. The punishment shall be as above but with the added painful indignity of leaving your dangly portions behind at the club, they having been removed with one of brother Hooper's Assegais. 4. Thou shalt take no part in any game unless said game is a most true and righteous wargame. It is painfully apparent of late that the Devil and all his little wizards have infiltrated the brotherhood. Games of un-dead, elves and assorted pixies etc have been proliferating and have now taken over completely. The brothers who partake of these "games" must be re-educated.It is suggested that brother Gareth carry out this onerous task after he has imbibed 12 good and true pints of ale. Brother Gareth, as we know, is most eloquent and fruity in his use of the Anglo Saxon after said 12 pints. If after this any brother still wishes to play with the pixies then a brick should be taken to his nethers and he shall be shown the door. 5. No brother shall enter the club premises with a beard of more than 2 inches length. It is most disagreeable to sit opposite a brother with a beard that could easily hide a badger. Said beard could also hide extra units to be surreptitiously placed onto the table when most needed. Note: The above commandment regarding length does not apply to brothers with red beards who are not allowed to grow any beard at all. 6. Brothers shall not attend the club when he has not bathed or showered for many weeks. This is an unfortunate habit of many wargamers (as anyone who has attended a show will attest). But there is no reason why we of the brotherhood should accept this. Cleanliness is next to godliness etc. Any brother turning up smelling like a ferrets bunghole shall be forcibly removed from the building and his membership revoked. This problem has been added to by the down turn in the clubs general standards and as more and more of the great unwashed are allowed membership. 7. Brothers shall be of at least 10 years of age to attend the club. If the current trend is not checked we shall have brothers bringing along their unborn embryos to watch a game, or play with brother Lyon's pixie army. Most brothers attend the club to get away from the little angels. This is a most correct and righteous path and should be encouraged. 8. Wargames or not Wargames (A definition) For the purposes of clarity any game that has the three classic arms, Horse, Musket and Guns is wargaming, everything else is not. (Commander Note: As older sci-fi gamers will know. This actually includes the first version of Warhammer 40,000 Rogue Trader) 9. Brothers shall not set up a table at 7pm and then repair to the bar leaving said table unused. This anti-social behaviour has been noted of late, leaving brothers arriving late with nowhere to play. Brothers wishing to drink (All brothers, one would piously hope, see 10th commandment below.) all night do not need to pretend they are there for the wargaming, there is no shame in just drinking brothers. 10. Brothers shall drink only the true ale or beer. Of late some of the baser sort have taken to drinking all kinds of frothy concoctions. This must be frowned upon. If any brother finds himself faltering on the true path to the bar, he need only ask for guidance from brother Gareth or brother Paul. These two fellows are only too pleased to help a stray to the bar as long as they are buying. Let us pray brothers that the above commandments do commend themselves
to you and that all shall be in favour of raising the standards of our
glorious brotherhood. |