The Art of War by Sonny the Zoo
Part II - Fantasy Gaming
By Jon Blyth
Back in the days, there was just the just the historical thing, with
the Brits and the Frenchies with their red jackets and their blue jackets.
Then boom, there's a multi-million dollar deal happening with all the
fantasy schmada (and trust me, I could do with a slice of that foccata).
OK it ain't the real business, but forget-about-it; it's still war. You
wanna play, you gotta know how.
The Big Rule I told you last time still counts...
What did I tell you before? What did I tell you? NO, WHAT DID I SAY TO
YOU?
Right, hit 'em fast and hard right in the middle - only now there's exceptions.
Yeah, exceptions ok? So I changed my mind, you wanna make something of
it? Here's the low-down on the main contenders...
Empire & Brettonian
These guys're just your standard guys. Hey, that ain't too bad 'cause
you get a lot of 'em. Trouble with just-guys is, if you ain't got the
best crews they ain't gonna go to the wire. Sharp suits and fancy gizmos
don't cut it when the blood's on the street.
Your Side -You gotta have tough guys in charge, ready to slap
around any of your pissantes who are about to make a run for it. Also,
your knights is good but they ain't invincible so don't just throw 'em
at your biggest target. If you can't get 'em in on a flank then try a
Mexican standoff to hold off enemies.
Opposition - Whack the captains and the rest'll fold like a paisan
with an ace-high. Pretty much the Big Rule all the way - them's big units
so pin 'em down and get in at the sides as well.
Dwarfs
Short guys with beards and hats who love gold a lot. (Sound like anybody?
Hey, give it a name). They just gonna sit and wait and chances are they
end up sitting pretty every time. Also they ain't gonna run when it gets
bad -they're tough guys.
Your Side - You got the metal suits, the shooters, the big guns,
and magic's gonna just bounce off. You just sit tight and let it come
to you. Attacking? Forget-about-it.
Opposition - You tell me, maybe pay 'em to quit? Try runnin' rings
round 'em - they ain't gonna be able to keep up with a lotta movement.
Elfs
Wood Elfs - hippies. Dark Elfs - hippies with the light out. They just
ain't got the muscle for a stand-up fight. Ok, they look pretty and they
move nice but so does Roxie down at Sal's nightclub and I wouldn't take
her into a fight - capiche?
Your side - Keep moving, use them shooters and magic-up a storm.
Forget the Big Rule unless you got a tyre iron in your purse.
Opposition - F**k 'em in the ear. Don't work first up? F**k 'em
in the other pointy ear.
Orcs & Goblins
The goombahs of choice for the discerning Wise Guy. Enough options so
each mob is different, so the opposition ain't gonna know where the hit's
coming from. Downside is you got different families trying to work together,
so if you leave crews with time on their hands they're gonna start in
on each other.
Your side - Big Rule big time. Set 'em loose - that way your mob
and the opposition don't get time to think about it.
The Opposition - What, I'm gonna tell you? Ok, a coupla hints.
Force the loonies out with expendables and then shoot 'em full of holes;
and take out the bosses -then the pigs will sleep with the fishes.
Undead
What can I say? These guys lost already, big time. They're DEAD. You wanna
rely on a bunch of losers - get the f**k outta here.
Your side - Specialist stuff. You gotta know your corpses inside
out to get the best outta them. If that's how you wanna get it on then
be my guest.
Opposition - Get a priest.
Chaos
These guys are like uptown lawyers. They're trouble but they're expensive,
so you don't get to hire too many at a time.
Your side - You gotta, gotta get in fast. The Big Rule was written
for youse guys. You got enough heavies to get the other guy by the coglioni
- that'll get his attention.
Opposition - Sit back and shoot 'em up first, then hit 'em while
they're crying about the amount of points they already lost.
Lizard Men
Every time you think you can get clear of these guys, they drag you back
in. I don't talk about the lizards - put a coupla dead flies on the table,
whadda I care?
Skaven
The rat boys themselves. They might be little furry guys but there's a
few hinky little twists in among their stinky ranks.
Your side - You got the plague, the jezzails, the "we don't
run if there's a lot of us" bonus. Keep the opposition guessing as
to what's gonna go where at the start. Chances are they'll spend most
of their time worrying about what it is your doing and they'll screw up.
Opposition - They ain't big and they ain't too tough. Hit their
big units fast and tie 'em up, then get around the sides.
Demons
All bets are off with these flashy pezzanovantes. They got the muscle
and the magic to boot. On their day, they're unbeatable.
Your side - You can either get in close and make ground beef outta
your opposition, or you can sit back and magic 'em to death. Just don't
be stupid and lose soldiers with no good cause - they ain't cheap.
Opposition - You need something big and ugly to take down the
demons. If you can't get hold of Earthquake Tony out of Brooklyn then
use a giant, or a dragon, or a mallet. (Or you can hide the Magic Dice
on their turn!)
Did I miss anybody? Did I cause offence to anybody? Do I care?
Just try and get your deployment right, and keep to your plan. Chances
are you'll end up with boat-drinks. You worry too much about the other
guy then you'll end up with a concrete canoe.
Done talkin'.
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