Now be sure to click Zorak before you leave. And remember: "Patience is a virtue that is always rewarded with wild, hot, crazy, monkey sex"
"Raman Noodles and Nyquil do not consist of a real meal"-My Mother
"Ha Ha, Fool'd-You!"-Jackie Chan
"What's the moose's name, the name? You don't know, do you? That's cuz you're EVIL!"-Jackie Chan
"Wing Wong, Ting Tong, Ping Pong, Cheech and Chong..."-The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie-I believe it was Michelangelo
"I wander outside dirty, pantless, and mute in my bathing suit and the guys next door give me soda. 'Help me, I am dirty, I am showerless, and I am without pants!' And they responded..."-Molly
"I hate that story 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears.' Goldilocks goes around to these bears' houses going,'This porridge is too hot.' Bitch! That ain't your food!"-Tony Woods
"Homer Mad, Homer Smash!"-Homer Simpson
"Blow Shit Up"-Twisted Metal Commercial
"It was big. Really, really big. No, bigger than that. Even bigger. Keep going. More. No, more. Look, we're talking krakens and dreadnoughts for jewelry. It was big!"-Arna Kennerud, skyknight (Big Furry Monster card)
"No, really? I'm just average..."-Laura Kitelinger
"In my fantasy I was always the savior. I would come to 'Peanuts' land and save everybody. Charlie Brown would fall madly in love with me. Peppermint Patty was so jealous."-Alicia Witt
"If a guy hits me, I will literally grab hold of his throat, put my teeth into it and rip until he is dead."-Tori Amos
"Ouch!"-Paul
"You need that door more than I do!"-My Stepdad, bless his drunken soul
Note: even in context, this quote makes as much sense as it does here
"Hilarious. I was walking to some destination with my pledge sisters, with my baby bottle full of Rum and Pepsi and this huge fucking bear on my back and my pillow case backpack we had to make, and I started singing
'walking down the street, sipping on rum and coke, walking fast, with my bear on my back and my bag in my hand'..."-Jen (not Jenn)
"Think Aerobics is a sport? A Spectator sport."-Captain Morgan Commercial
"What are you all still doing alive? Oh wait, it's only Tuesday..."-Zorak, The Brak Show
"[Heaven is] all loose women, hot dance clubs, and latin music"-Mr. Tickles, to Brak
"Keep your friends close, but your enemy's sister closer"-unknown
"Are you a bastard?"-Comedy Central Commercial
"If you shoot him, you can rob his store..."-Scotty
"Alright, the 100 dollars for sex, but 50 dollars for rustproofing? Hey Sunshine, I don't mean to call you on this one, especially because I'm in a prom dress, and I'm the mayor of this here town..."-Todd Barry
"Getting it is easy. Filling it with illegal substances and pushing it across the border is hard..."-Enignog (the green mooninite), Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"It's okay to be scared of me; most sissies are..."-Dad, to Zorak
"Oh thats right, your a remorseless sinner..."-Brak, to Zorak
"And if I've offended anyone, please...tell your friends"-Gary Craig
"Keep talking. I'm just gonna start drinking now."-Issac, to Casey-Sports Night
"For our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the
spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms"-Ephesians, 6:12
"I.E. The spiritual forces of evil = the Meet the Parents movie..."-PaulyQ
"I Don't know exactly what it's doing, but it's doing something..."-DataLore, to his daddy
"If I had known that stuff was broken, I would've laid the hammer down, but it was stolen..."-Master Shake, to Frylock
"Got no place to go, but there's a girl waitin' for me down in Mexico. She got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin, and if I bring a little music, I could fit right in..."-Adam Duritz, Holiday in Spain
"Everybody's gone, they left the television screamin' that the radio's on..."-Adam Duritz, Holiday in Spain (again)
"Someone stole my shoes, but there's a couple of bananas and a bottle of booze..."-Adam Duritz, Holiday in Spain (okay, I swear, i won't put any more from Holiday in spain up-at least for today...)
"I told you: Birds is magic!"-Jimmy Fallon
"Heather's not a violent kleptomaniac. Heather's also not a Chinese circus acrobat..."-Heather
"Everyone's a little queer; can't she be a little straight..."-Rivers Cuomo, Pink Triangle
"Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I have to be sober..."-Unknown
"Ohhh! That's where J-Lo hit P. Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman."-Marge Simpson
"When I am Santa, I will replace milk and cookies with scotch and pain killers."-Adam Carolla
"So I was fucking Drew up the ass one day... Not in a gay way but in a strong viking way-stop me if you've heard this one. So I'm holding on to the horns and I got to thinking. To this day Drew hasn't changed since the day he started in Hollywood. He'll still fuck you like a man, not like a pansy-and he does that thing with his tongue on your dick like a man-not like a wimp but like a man..."-Dom Irrera
"When I got divorced, the first thing I did was put a tampon on top of the TV to remind me of the bitch that took the VCR..."-Dick Capri
"Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him."-Dave Attell
"Come on Er, grab as much porn as you can carry. And grab the other end of this dresser..."-Enignog
"This porn is excellently excellent. This dresser however isn't. Meatwad, torch the dresser."-Enignog
"You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengence. Our god is an indian that turns into a wolf, or wolfen. Well the wolfen will come after you with a razor..."-Enignog
"It's the crazy ones that have all the good pills"-Kim Cattrall
"Well, I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpak"-Larisa Oleynik, explaining the supreme difference of Like and Love
"We're geniuses-sticky geniuses"-Tigger(why?)
"Have you hugged your Klingon today?"-Dan
"Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!"-Lewis Black
"I have tried so hard not to treat women like objects, but I find myself treating objects like women"-Allen Wells
"You ever wish on a star, and then the star goes 'hey fuck you'?"-Amy (as far as I know)
"How do you get a baby out of a tree? You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a pinata"-Mr. Cotter
"Your insolence is not unlike a port-o-potty: stinky and not without it's share of fecial matter"-Me (I said something funny for once...)
"Whooo."-Me again (I guess I think I'm funny)
Note: In order to understand this quote, you must think of a miniture Rick Flair struting around on your desk next to your computer, and he does his very loud "Whoooooo!", but he's soo small, you can only hear a tiny portion of the "Whoo" and very faintly. (I've had a lot of time on my hands...)
"One cheerleader barbie doll: $15; One pack of matches: $1.25; One Container of gasoline: $3; Seven needles: 25 cents; Watching cheerleaders burn: **PRICELESS**"-Christina
"You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get. Your life, however, is like a box of ACTIVE HAND GRENADES!"-Stewie, Family Guy
"Very funny, Warf. Eat any good books lately"-Q, Next Gen
"Shoot, I don't listen to that kiddy crap anymore. I'm kickin the adult jams now. See, check it, MC Pee-Pants doesn't just want candy now--that's childish. He needs it, and when you need something, that's a responsibility that only an adult of my maturity--(see boxes of chocolate bunnies behind Carl) Bunnies!!"-Meatwad, to Carl
"A dating service is just like pimping. Only you don't use the phrase 'upside the head' as much."-Bender
"Apathy: pffffh. It's not my problem."-Mr. Mike
"If you ever need anyone to beat him into submission, please don't hesitate to give me a call."-Garek, DS9
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo."-Morbo, Futurama
"You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES."-Stewie
"Sirotnik, you will burn in hell!"-Dan (It's the way he answers his cell, and not just to Sirotnik...)
"According to recent polls, air is good."-Some Politian, Family Guy
"I masterbated in the primordial gene pool of my wrestlers' movesets."-Your Favorite Webmaster (me), but I had a good reason which will be disclosed at a later date if I ever finish with my internet porn...
"Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, we've had a lot of laughs tonight, but I'll tell you what's not funny: killing strippers. Strippers are people, too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later in the back of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to kill 'em, 'cause most of them are already dead inside. Goodnight everyone."-Peter Griffin
"We all miss the news, Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create."-Peter again
"How...Now...Brown...Cow"-William Shatner*
"How...Now...Brown...Cow?"-Christopher Walken*
"How...Now...Brown...Cow!!!"-Keanu Reeves*
*not really quotes; I'm just being...different...
"A little late for Lenny..."-Lenny, and his poor omnigoggle-less eyes
"Any man who leaves you oughta be monkey-stomped and have his brains mailed back to his mother."-Benson Winnaford Payne...You know, Major Payne
"You: bring me the wall street journal. You two: fight to the death!"-Stewie
"All of us are porn-crazed bastards, but Foreman killed a cat!"-Hyde
"I'll be bringing sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you."-Willie
"I wasn't yelling, I was just expressing my feelings...loudly"-Ben Sisko
"Nicks suck, Yankees suck, Jets suck."-Peter Griffin
"Kryton sucks."-Peter again...
"If I told you you had a nice body, would you take off your pants and dance naked around me?"-Lt. Kif Kroker
"I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies."-Lt. Kif Kroker
"Too much focus leads to tunnel vision.
Too much faith leads to religion.
Too much knowledge leads to confusion.
Too many guitar lessons leads to jazz fusion."-Whitty, stolen from his away message (and it's only completely accurate)
"And now the question for you is not 'what would Jesus do?' but, 'where will you be when the Craig machine comes partying through?' And if the lord will allow, you've got to ask yourself, 'How and who and why and when and where is my Messiah now?' It's fucking Craig. It's fucking Craig. Fucking Craig. Fucking Craig. Craig Christ."-Stephen Lynch
"Why, you tottering fensucked dewberry! I'm going to go find something to strike you with, excuse me."-Stewie
"Don't fuck with me Mr. Watson. I'll make gravy out of your little girl."-The one the only Christopher Walken
"Say, do you perchance have any gatorade? I'm afraid I left all my electrolytes with your daughter."-Avery Bullock (you know, Patrick Stewart)
"I, I I love little girls they make me feel so good, I love...ah ah ah...little girls, they make me feel so bad. When they're around they make me feel like I'm the only guy in town, I love...ah ah ah...little girls..."-Avery Bullock again
If you have any quotes that you think deem the right to be named Quotes More Important Than the Bible, e-mail them to Me and I'll give you credit, if you deserve it, puny mortals.