I suffered badly with depression for about 10 years. Each night hoping that I'd be dead in the morning. Each day was greeted with horror. I still don't know what the catalyst was that turned me into a depressive, I have theories, but nothing that I can actually point to and say, " That was the day. That's what happened. " Perhaps it was nothing more than adulthood.
These days I still get depressed but now I look upon it as nothing more serious than a dose of flu. Generally you feel like shit but you know that it will pass. But let it get out of hand and it will kill you.
Depression however is a much overused word. People tend to say that they are depressed when they are feeling, what I would call, a little low. But true depression is the only illness that is completely harmless physically, but generally fatal. My own depression left me with such a desire for death that my arms are now scarred for life.and I've swallowed enough paracetamol to banish headaches from China for the next 5 years.
But to be quite honest this is one of the hardest pages I've ever written. Because I could explain my own depression in various medical terms and explain how chemical imbalances make me feel the way I do. But that still doesn't say much. I suppose I am more of a manic depressive, with ecstatic highs and terrible, 'heavy', lows when death seems like the only reasonable choice. But I must admit that I've got out of the habit of choosing death these days, I was a complete failure at suicide.
Then there's the guilt. I used to feel guilty for being depressed. I would feel guilty about making other peoples lives miserable, because although people can be very supportive of depressives, it also wears off quickly. This isn't the fault of family or friends, it's just human nature to avoid those situations that make you unhappy. And depressed friends make you unhappy.
My heart truly bleeds for anyone that suffers from this illness and If there's anything that I can do to help you get through the low periods, whether it's just someone to talk to, gripe at, or scream obscenities at. I'm here. Or you can check out the links below.
Godsquid
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