How to give a cat a pill.
| 1. Pick up cat and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. |
| Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks |
| while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. |
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| 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. |
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| 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. |
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| 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws |
| open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count to ten. |
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| 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. |
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| 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls |
| emitted by the cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. |
| Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. |
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| 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. |
| Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from |
| hearth and set to one side for gluing later. |
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| 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. |
| Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. |
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| 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. |
| Apply band-Aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. |
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| 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. |
| Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. |
| Force mouth open with desert spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band. |
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| 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. |
| Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, check records for tetanus shot. |
| Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. |
| Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. |
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| 12. Call fire department to retrieve the f......... cat from tree across the road. |
| Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. |
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| 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of table. |
| Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. |
| Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and poor 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. |
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| 14. Consume reminder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while |
| doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. |
| Call furniture shop on way home to order new dining table. |
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| 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. |
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