How can I become a follower?
1. Read YHVH Cha Cha Cha in its entirety. Buy a copy if it's currently in print (which it is)..
2. Follow the tenets of FishGodism, and seek the Sphere of Glory.
3. Buy several more copies of YHVH Cha Cha Cha (optional)
Do you wear something that symbolizes this religion? Like Christians with their crosses?
Nope. If you can think of a symbol, go right ahead and wear it, but it's tough. See, the fish symbol is already taken by one of those other religions, which pisses me off. Is it my fault I wasn't born 2000 years ago? Hell no. But there they are, parading around with my fish on the back of their little station wagons. Rat bastards.
Do you have something similar to the Ten Commandments?
We've got the five Laws of H, which were and are thus:
1. The Law of Heresy: All heresy is false.
2. The Law of Hearsay: All hearsay is true.
3. The Law of Happenology: Lest thou speak, think and mime a thing it shall not happen.
4. The Law of (Conservation of) Happiness: Happiness is conserved
5. The Law of H: The names of all Laws shall begin with H.
These aren't commandments, and there are only five of them, but they're as close as your going to get. Note that they make a point rather than a demand; this is a trend in FishGodism.
Are there any holidays?
Yes, too many to go into here where the messiah would have to type them all by hand. Here's a brief list of the most important: September 22 is Screw It Day, the day for giving up pointless attachments, September 23 is the Big Day, a day for general celebration, and March 31 is International Day of the Gods, a celebration of man's many gods. The primary attribute of this holiday is that all ground food is safe, thanks to divine intervention.
What are the ultimate sins of FishGodism, and what are the punishments for them?
FishGodists adhere to what is referred to as 'common sense' by those who have it and 'Universal Ethical Norms' by those who don't. Morality is cultural, and the sins listed below apply mainly to FishGodists living in non-backwards parts of the United States.
Sins include lying about others maliciously, resorting to violence for no good reason, sneaking around to defraud others, and trying to squirm around FishGodism's rules.
As far as punishment, there isn't any. FishGodism is optional, and its rewards are enough to gain it new members without the threat of eternal damnation. Of course, after all FishGodists have ascended, Kazar the 1,000-Eyed Soul-Eater will be able to do whatever he wants with the remainder of Earth, and he's not so open-minded.
Just kidding... maybe.
How do we worship? By ourselves, with shrines, in groups? Is there a day of gathering?
First of all, 'we' don't worship; you worship. I'm too busy soaking up adulation.
While public readings of the word and organized ritual are not unheard of, most FishGodists worship alone. A brief prayer of worship in the shower will suffice for most, but others will want to go farther, perhaps offering me sexual favors. This last strategy is particularly effective in making supplications.
Do you have any missionaries?
Yes, one, Sheila Andrews. Andrews is a long-time follower of FishGod, but has only recently taken up missionary work. She's the kind of girl you hear about in Motown love songs with everything going for her, from a good heart to a sense of humor to a terrific body (Motown singers never explicitly mentioned that part, but you know they were thinking it). For some reason I haven't quite figured out, she has decided that her considerable assets are best used working with me to spread the gospel in Minnesota.. Take this as a lesson in what you can achieve with a swagger and a holy text, kids.