Filks

Filks

"'I'm sure those are not the right words,' said poor Alice, and her eyes filled with tears again as she went on, 'I must be Mabel after all, and I shall have to go and live in that poky little house, and have next to no toys to play with, and oh, ever so many lessons to learn! No, I've made up my mind about it: if I'm Mabel, I'll stay down here!'" --Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

By a curious evolution, song parodies with themes have come to be called "filks" in the world of fandom. We are not sure what this evolution is, but we know that filks are a great deal of fun to write! Below are some filks that were originally written for the amusement of the Harry Potter for Grownups group. There will no doubt be more as time goes on. All these were written by L. Inman unless otherwise noted. For more delicious Harry Potter filks, visit Caius Marcius's site on our Links page, or click here.

The Only Established

Li'l Miss Cellophane

Keeper of the House

If You're Anxious for to Shine in the Dark-Art Fighting Line

The Only Established

rf: HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban

To the tune of "The Oldest Established" from Guys and Dolls

Empty classroom. Enter HARRY, pulled in by FRED and GEORGE.
FRED [spoken]: Harry, you've got to get down to Hogsmeade.
GEORGE: The village is up to here with Hogwarts students.
HARRY: I know! I know! But how do I get out of the castle?
F: [sings] They're requiring a note from the lad--
G: But poor lad, there's no note to be had--
H: And they've now got dementors at the door--
F&G: So he can't get out that way anymore!
F: There was a chance he could go without a note--
G: But Professor McGonagall ain't a good scout--
H: And things being how they are, a cachet from Severus is OUT! So it looks like I'm back to square one...
F&G: But hold on Harry, you're not quite done!
[F taps the Marauder's Map]
F&G: Why it's good old reliable Moony, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs!
If you're looking for mischief,
Well, X marks the spot!
Even when the heat is on it's never too hot--NOT
For good old reliable Moony--
You will never have to be bored;
It's the Only Established Mischievous Knowing Map from Filch's Drawer!

There are well-trod pathways everywhere, everywhere, there are well-trod pathways everywhere...
And a chance to spot a teacher
Or an ill-intentioned peacher--there...
H: (If I only had this lovely little map I could vanish in thin air!)

F&G: Yes! it's good old reliable Moony, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs!
If your candy and joke stash
You want to increase,
They'll arrange that you get there in quiet and peace--
Through a passage provided by Moony,
Known to only us and these Four!
It's the Only Established, Mischievous, Knowing--shh!
*-Map from Filch's Drawer-*
H: Where's the passage?
F&G: Out this room!
H: (Gotta leave this room or I'll die from gloom)
All: It's the Only Established, Mischievous Knowing Map from Filch's Dra-a-a-a-aaaawer!
F: [spoken] Bye, Harry!
G: Yeah, see you in Hogsmeade!

Li'l Miss Cellophane

To the tune of "Mister Cellophane" from Chicago

[Enter Ginny Weasley, solo.]
GINNY: If some young witch at dinnertime
Stood up and swore in perfect rhyme
And waved her wand and threw a fit
You'd notice her
If someone in the midnight gloom
Yelled, "FIRE in the common room!"
And even screamed a little bit
You'd notice her

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed now and then
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me...

Cellophane
Li'l Miss Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Ginny Cellophane
'Cos you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!

Suppose you were a gang of boys
Who'd tease their sister for their joys
And use her for their greatest jokes
You'd notice her
Suppose you shared a Hogwarts House
With one who, quiet as a mouse,
Spoke up for you against the blokes--
You'd notice her

You'd think with all the catastrophic fare
We'd see more than a Weasley with red hair
Unless that red-haired Weasley next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished You-Know-Who...

[spoken](And no, I don't mean Voldemort!)

...Shoulda been my name
Ginny Cellophane
'Cos you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
I--tell--ya--
Cellophane
Li'l Miss Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Ginny--Cellophane
'Cos you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there...!

[Shakes her fist at JKR impatiently and walks offstage]

Keeper of the House

To the tune of "Master of the House" from Les Miserables

Curtain. Filch with quill, writing at his desk.
FILCH: Dear Headmaster,
Here's your report,
I tried my best
But can't keep it short...
Punishing pests,
Updating files,
As for the rest--
You'll see in a while.
Seldom do you see
Upright men like me--
A fine man with a spine
Who's only trying to be...

[grumbling] Keeper of the House
Guardian of the gates
Ready with detention for those reprobates!
Spots a liar's tale
Makes a little list
Rules the troublemakers with an iron fist!
Glad to do old Snape a favor
Yes, he seems to understand:
Students need to pay or they will get stuck-up and out of hand...

[warming to the topic] Keeper of the House
Keeper of the zoo
Running after kids is more than I should do!
Get a couple chains
Water and dry bread
Lock 'em in the dungeon standing on their heads!
Everybody hates the bad guy
But that is what I'm paid to do--
Whatever it will take to make them toe the line, that's what I'll do!

FRED and GEORGE, leading a chain-gang chorus outside Filch's office, banging pots and pans:
CHORUS Keeper of the House
Quick to take a point,
Loves a good excuse to throw you in the joint!
Eyes on every floor,
Locks on every gate,
Likes to smack infractions whether small or great!
And he's got this cat companion
Boy, is she a royal pain!
FILCH Come on, Mrs. Norris, Cor! this is an awful ruddy day!

[FILCH returns to his letter]
FILCH Dear Headmaster,
Now for the punch,
I hope you're not yet
Eating your lunch...
I have to say
Peeves is a curse
His pranks are growing
Worse and yet worse
Contest there can't be
Of the lists so long
If only you could see
What Peeves has done so wrong...!

Good food everywhere!
House-elves in a state!
And he dared to speak to me in words of hate!
Smearings on the wall!
Toilets overflowed!
And there was graffiti saying I'm a toad!
Putting gum wads in a door lock
Writing swear words on the board,
It's beyond all reason and his dirty pranks I can't afford...

Vandals scrawling here,
Vandals scrawling there,
All the mess just makes me want to tear my hair!
Here a wardrobe smashed
There a curtain cut,
I'm constantly erasing all the dirt and smut!
Running out of Mrs. Skower's,
Running out of sanity!
Oh the little slimeys
How they love to try me
Blimey! what a trial to be me!
CHORUS Keeper of the House
Quick to take a point
Love a good excuse to haul you in the joint!
Eyes on every floor
Locks on every gate
Likes to smack infractions whether small or great!
And he's got this cat companion,
Dearly whom we'd like to kick
FILCH Come on, Mrs. Norris, Cor! this day has given me some stick!

Enter PEEVES, dressed like a French tavern mistress, vamping:

PEEVES I used to think
Old Dumble had a brain
But have you seen
What he's hired as caretaker?
He's insane!
Keeper of the House?
What a silly git!
Thinks he runs the castle, but he's such a twit!
Morals up to *here*--
Platitudes to *there*--
Thinks he's got my number--but there's not much there [waves tiny phantom wand]
Waging war upon my antics,
What's a poltergeist to do?
How I love to fib and teach the little Squib a thing or two!
FILCH and CHORUS Keeper of the House!
PEEVES Keeper of the dump!
FILCH and CHORUS Likes to smack infractions
PEEVES Ah, the silly lump!
FILCH and CHORUS Eyes on every floor, Locks on every gate,
PEEVES Bats about a hundredth, I would estimate!
CHORUS Let's all drink a toast to Argus,
Give his cat a fresh white mouse!
Everybody raise a roar!
PEEVES Let's all see his Kwikspell score!
FILCH and CHORUS Everybody raise a roar for the Keeper of the House!

If You're Anxious For to Shine in the Dark-Art Fighting Line To the tune of "If You're Anxious for to Shine in the High Aesthetic Line" from Patience by Gilbert and Sullivan Enter GILDEROY LOCKHART, scooting quickly into his office, conjuring trunks with exotic stamps on them and tossing all his belongings in willy-nilly. LOCKHART Am I alone, And unobserved? I am! Then let me own I'm a magical sham! This air of cheer Is but a mere Veneer! This winning smile Is but a wile Of guile! These robes are placed To feign good taste -- A waste! Let me confess! The casualty of students does NOT blight me! A magical entente does NOT delight me! I do NOT care for heroic scenes By any means. I do NOT want opportunities To scrape my knees. I am NOT fond of professing DADA -- To me, it's nada! In short, my heroism's affectation, Born of a morbid love of admiration! If you're anxious for to shine in the dark-art fighting line, as a man of talent rare, You must get up all the germs of Transfiguration terms, and plant them everywhere. You must stand upon the dais-es and discourse in novel phrases of the creatures that you find, The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a brave, yet modest, kind. And everyone will say As you walk your knowing way, "If this young man expresses greater bravery than ME, Why, what a very singularly brave young man this brave young man must be!" Be eloquent in praise of your roaring salad days which by no means have passed by, And the Bandon Banshee's eyes, and the werewolf's close demise are a blink in your turquoise eye. Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever others do, and declare you did it better; And you will get the meat of a far-off wizard's feat, and purloin it to the letter. And everyone will say, As you walk your hero's way, "If that's not wild enough for him that's wild enough for ME, Why, what a very rootin' tootin' kind of man this kind of man must be!" Then a sneaky kind of penchant for a permanent and trenchant Memory Charm must be your skill, To protect the name you're making from the charge of blatant faking made by those who wish you ill. Though the wizards may all snicker and declare you're truly thicker than the Gringotts main vault door, All the witches will applaud you and the tabloids will all laud you if you give them one smile more. And everyone will say, As you walk your handsome way, "If he's content with charm and looks which can't be had by me, Why what a most particularly unique man this unique man must be!" LOCKHART startles as a knock sounds upon his office door. He opens it, and finds Harry and Ron waiting.

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