A Guarded Heart -a work of YYH fan fiction --------------------------------------- I don't understand you. I tell you that right off, head tipped back and arms crossed as I make my declaration. It surprises you and amuses you, I think. Certainly, your eyes widen before you smile at me and pull me close, laying your cheek against my hair. I stiffen, more than half-expecting an attack. You feel my resistance and laugh softly, giving me a gentle squeeze. I blink, bewildered. Nothing happens, save for your scent, that strange, sweet smell of flowers, enveloping me like your warm embrace. Warm, yes, but that warmth doesn't touch me. I cannot understand what prompts it, what prompts _you_. So I just stand warily within your arms, eyeing you with puzzlement. _Why_ do you do that? Why do you persist in making these unsolicited displays of affection, when you _know_ I won't respond? I just _don't_ understand it. Really, you ningen are peculiar. ----- There you go again. What is it with this preoccupation you have with touching me? You're always hugging me, patting my head, ruffling my hair. Why, why, _WHY_ do you do that? Don't you see how uncomfortable it makes me? Don't you understand that it threatens me, this affection you offer? It batters at my defenses, pulling down the walls I've built around my heart. A youkai has no need for emotions--letting your feelings get the best of you will only lead to pain, and if you're lucky, a swift death. I used to think otherwise, but I've since learned better. Don't try to make me feel. Don't try to make me love you. Love will make me weak, and I have to be _strong_. If you force your way into my heart, I- I-... Omae wo korosu. ----- K'so! Of all the things that had to happen...why _this_? I--I'm _falling_. I can see the ground rushing up to meet me, studded with sharp spikes that will rend and tear at my flesh when I land. Cursing, I close my eyes, bracing myself for the pain that would surely come, and stoically resigning myself to my fate. Pain was something I was intimately familiar with, after all. The life of every youkai has always been inevitably plagued with it. Demo...you do something that surprises me yet again. You fling yourself forward to catch me, heedless of the danger you have placed yourself in. You give a choked cry as I land in your arms, my eyes wide with incredulity. I am unhurt, but you--I can see you bleeding. That warm, red blood that only ningen possess, it drips down your arms and falls down my face as you ask if I'm all right. I grip the front of your shirt in my hands, asking you 'Why?'. Why do you risk yourself for me? I, who have never shown you even the slightest bit of tenderness. Why do you try to take my pain for your own? I _don't_ understand you. You simply smile at me, your eyes warming with affection, maybe even--love? Surely not. I bury my face against your chest, denying the truth of what I'd seen. Why would you love someone like myself? A cold unfeeling bastard youkai? I must be mistaken. Kitto. But I cannot seem to help myself as I hold you closer still. What are you _doing_ to me? ----- I watch you as you putter about the kitchen, humming and singing softly to yourself. You are making tea, you said, to celebrate your return from the hospital. A private celebration, just the two of us, to give thanks that we were both alive and well. I had tried to make you stop, to make you rest and let me do the work, but you refused me. This was something you wanted to do for me, for us. So I sit at the table, watching you with brooding eyes. You look up and give me a small smile. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I can hear a wall cracking. Somewhere, deep down, a small voice is screaming at me to go, to run away. 'That ningen is dangerous!' it was saying. 'That ningen is making you weak!' But as I look into your large dark eyes, I find it surprisingly easy to ignore that voice. A slow, answering smile forms on my lips. ----- I still don't understand you. I still don't know why you persist in loving someone as flawed as myself. But I've stopped denying it. You _have_ wormed your way into my heart, locked and guarded as it was. To my surprise, I don't feel weakened at all. In fact, I feel amazingly free, for some strange reason. I watch your eyes as I give you a bouquet of flowers, roses, as you seem to like them so much. You look so happy. It makes me feel warm inside, where I've always felt cold. And somehow, I finally find the courage to tell you what I feel. I love you. I still don't understand you. I don't think that I ever will, but...I thank the day you came into my life. I love you...'Kaasan.