Belton

I picked up Scott on Friday morning to be faced with the usual suitcase for two and enough food to drop over a Tsunami. The drive was quite nice and relaxed and we found the car park after four attempts for the Olympic breakfast stop.

The hotel was quickly found and we gathered on the Friday morning for our normal first tee off with Morty swapping clubs, head covers, loosening trolley handles and stealing which is normal. I think he may have a clinical condition called annoytheshitoutofya-itis.

The Course we played on the Friday was quite enjoyable and a real test of our collective skills, but suffice to say I played steady, nothing too dramatic, but steady. The course condition was good generally with some interesting features and at times challenging pin positions. Afterwards in the nineteenth we sank the obligatory four pints before dinner and then went for a quick swill and soiree as its known and proceeded to sink some wine, peanuts, crisps, a kilo of olives and a few lbs of kettle crisps. Dinner was the usual cat and mouse game with the polish waiters but on the whole the meal was good and plentiful. As the years go by I'm always amazed at how much we demand of our stay, and this year was no exception. However, I would like to congratulate Morty on not calling in the manager when his tinned carrots weren't quite cooked to his liking, well done Morty, must have been a real setback that ol' lad.

After dinner we proceeded into Grantham and this is where it went awry with Morty plying me with copious amounts of alcohol all night. Disgusting. I never left one and saw them all off in between dancing a few Greek jigs and doing me strong man impression on the dance floor with two local ner to do's. Suffice to say I cant remember getting home or clambering into me pit with Silverback Graham, although I do remember repositioning a nice table and plant pot outside someone's door for some reason? Emmo made me do it. The only thing is he was laughing when were doing it and all the way back to the room like one of the chuckle brothers !!!

Surprisingly I didn't feel too chipper Saturday morning to be honest, and I had the stank taste of Benylin from the previous nights shots we had in Grantham!!! Thanks Morty. Saturdays course was a killer on the front nine, it felt as if me lungs were collapsing on a few holes, but the slow play in front gave us welcomed respite !!!

The course was much tougher, higher, longer and a further test of our golfing prowess. Happily by the ninth hole I seemed to be coming round and the golf was remarkably steady again. As usual we ended up in the nineteenth and a few more Guinness seem to do the trick, quickly followed by another bottle of Red, more nuts, crisps, olives and snacks. It was a good job I never really fancied me Barnsley chop then wasn't it. Drinks in Grantham was a lot more sedate and I nearly dropped off in the boozer after Morty tried again to ply me with G&T doubles, nice try Morty.

I woke up Sunday with Emmo playing tents in the bed and muttering about a big Olympic breakfast calling him? Breakfast was a casual affair up until Monty Don made a guest appearance and toppled over a huge plant pot and nearly wiped out a couple from Bracknell !! Well done to Cooty for that, we are having a risk assessment completed before we travel with you again you clumsy tw@t !!! It was funny though, poor love had soil on her plate and in her handbag when they got up, what a laugh.

Anyway Sunday got under way on the course we played on Friday. We were momentarily distracted by some window lickers behind us shouting and having just been let off the bus declaring that we'd teed off on the wrong tee, i.e. the ladies tee? In all my years I have never been so insulted by these retarded folk, but to preserve the honour of the game we agreed to score a No Return to shut the window lickers up, it worked.

Ah well roll on next year, I've already been in touch with Morty re a brief sojourn way at a hotel I recently played golf at, which is highly recommended. Thanks all for the company, memories and golf. Always a great weekend, and we were so fortunate with the weather again this year.

On behalf of the group the following guide should be used on future golf weekends, this is merely a refresher - 'Back to Basics' if you like.....

Off course if we breach this rule of golf again then we should adopt the full R&A rule as we were a little lenient this year !

a. Match Play
If a player, when starting a hole, plays a ball from outside the teeing ground, there is no penalty, but the opponent may immediately require the player to cancel the stroke and play a ball from within the teeing ground.
b. Stroke Play
If a competitor, when starting a hole, plays a ball from outside the teeing ground, he incurs a penalty of two strokes and must then play a ball from within the teeing ground.
If the competitor makes a stroke from the next teeing ground without first correcting his mistake or, in the case of the last hole of the round, leaves the putting green without first declaring his intention to correct his mistake, he is disqualified.
The stroke from outside the teeing ground and any subsequent strokes by the competitor on the hole prior to his correction of the mistake do not count in his score.