Abstinence II

I've gotten a very strong response from my first article, and in those responses, I've realized that I missed some things in my previous message. I'll respond to those through questions and emails about the article that I received.

I've been a Christian for a short time. Previously, I was involved with many people sexually, all before I knew Christ. Your article seemed to say that I've lost out now because of my actions before. Is that true?

This is the most common comment/question I received regarding the first article. In no way, shape, or form do I believe that you have lost your chance to be abstinent because of your previous actions. Even Christians have times when they stray and may allow themselves to experiment physically or to be pressured into having more physical relationships than they'd like. Does that mean that they've lost their ability to be pure for their partner? Absolutely not! God can forgive bigger than we can ever dream of sinning. He will still love you for who you are and who you want to be. I would certainly encourage a covenant between yourself and God to remain pure from this moment on for your own sake and for the sake of your spouse. I would, however, encourage you to discuss your past actions with your future partner. I have waited personally, but I think it would be very presumptious and prideful for me to not even consider a woman because she has sexual encounters in her past. If she's taken them to God and received His forgiveness, who am I not to forgive her? That attitude isn't shared as much as it should be. Many in the church can relate when I talk about how those with widely known sketchy pasts never seem to be able to live out of them. God's model of forgiveness is not our human model. As humans, we may say the words, we may even mean them, but in God's model of forgiveness, we would also then forget completely the event. We would allow a clean slate for that person. That, however, is not considered even a possibility for most people in this world, sadly, though. The human condition has persuaded us that we need to mark each offense against us on some tally board so we don't get burnt again. Yet, we commit the same sins over and over again, and we expect God to forgive us. Obviously, there are exceptions to forgive and forget, as in the case of an abusive or unfaithful spouse, but that's off topic for now. I believe those of you who have experimented sexually and have taken that to God will have your slates wiped clean with God, and you can live a pure life like that of a virgin. However, do remember your past when getting serious in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex because your sexual past could leave you with diseases that may not even realize themselves until spread to a new partner. So, while enjoying your purity, do remain responsible to your future mate and get tested for possible diseases.

Ben, I know that you don't even plan to kiss before you're married. Is that Biblical? If not, why do you do it? Would I benefit from it?

Obviously, this question comes from those who know me better after reading my article. I do plan to wait for my first kiss until my wedding day. I still have not held hands yet, but I haven't done that as a result of not finding someone to this point in my life that I'd like to share that intimacy with. I have not found anything Biblically that says you should wait until marriage to kiss specifically, though kissing could be considered a bad idea depending on your interpretation of what physical acts of a relationship truly are. My choice not to kiss stems strongly from my desire TO kiss. I hold a kiss very high on the "intimacy scale", and if I'm kissing a woman, that is a woman I want to pursue further physical relations with. I also realize that I have a very strong sex drive (you don't need to have sex to know that you desire it much more than an average person!). I don't want to end up ruing my future wife's purity or mine because a kiss set me off into further things. So, really my decision isn't so much against kissing, but what kissing will lead me to, physically and/or mentally. I mentioned in my previous article that sexual sins of the mind are as much sexual sins as those of the body. I worry for myself that for sure my mind would not be pure if I were to allow myself to kiss, so it is best for me to wait until marriage. That doesn't mean it is the same for everyone. I can give someone a full back massage and not have a single issue with it. Others I know can't give a shoulder massage without sexual thought creeping in. God has wired each of us different, and the important part is to know your own limits, not to concentrate to much on what societal limits are "supposed" to be. Benefits from physical and mental abstinence for each person are hard to measure simply because of the different way God has made each of us. You might not get any benefit from not kissing, but you may benefit strongly from not cuddling alone before marriage. I would urge that you learn your limits so as to not test them.

My girlfriend and I have already had sex, but we both recently became Christian. Do you have any advice for us?

First of all, welcome to the family, my new brother and sister! And yes, I have advice for you if you'd like to hear it. I would suggest that you immediately cease any sleeping together at night that you do because that will help stem some of that temptation. I'd also suggest spending as much time that you are on a date in a public or group setting. If you are living together already, that could be tough, though you can still easily work that out as well. Simply put, you want to avoid as much alone intimate time as possible for now because that will be an easy trap that Satan will try to use to attack your salvation. It is a very cool thing to both realize salvation at the same time because you will be able to grow your personal relationship together as one with Christ, which will only strengthen your bond together as you move forward in your relationship. Christ is the best glue any relationship can possibly hope for. God's greatest gift to you is this salvation that can help you refocus your relationship on growing together emotionally. I think you'll find that if you both make the vow to wait together until marriage that the intimacy on your wedding night will be better than anything the two of you experienced in previous sexual episodes.

This is just a sample of the comments I got. If you'd like to comment on this message or any of my other articles, please email me!