There's a rocky planet with an abundance of a blue, life-supporting resource composed of two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen one. Yes, I know I could've just said "water", but who's telling the story, me or you? That's right. Another word from you and I'll have to open a can of whoop ass with your name on it. So as you may have already guessed, I'm speaking of Earth. It was such a lovely planet, until now anyway.

There's an alien race out there that flings giant, chunky rocks at inhabited planets like Earth just for kicks. Down here on Earth, we call these chunks of rock "asteroids", but we're not aware of the real source. Despite their pinpoint accuracy, most seem to miss the target planets for one reason or another. In the case of Earth, many obstacles can block or curve the long, constant-speed path of these giant chunks of rock as they enter our solar system. For instance, the rock could miss because of reasons ranging from the immense gravity of Jupiter sucking the rock or a weaker gravitational force of a smaller celestial body merely turning the rock off course and therefore barely missing Earth. And there's our trusty Earth moon that takes a lot of hits for us. Occasionally, one will actually hit Earth. Most are relatively small and don't cause extremely devastating damage. The aliens got really lucky with Earth with two rocks already, my sources tell me. The two large rocks nearly wiped out all life on Earth. The first one led to dinosaurs; the second one finished them off.

Humans dominate the planet Earth now. They know about their chances with asteroids, but they don't have any real protection against one. They've mastered how to move across outer space, but their maneuvering abilities in space are ridiculous. They just survive on luck and hope that no fat chunk of rock hits them. Earth's not so lucky this time...

* * *

Humans on planet Earth discovered the chunk of rock about seventeen years before its predicted collision with planet Earth. Nevertheless, it was business as usual on planet Earth because, to humans, seventeen years was a damn long time. Oh, we’ll worry about it when the time comes, they thought. Besides, the asteroid’s path could be altered by just about anything on it collision course towards Earth. Or, by then, our children would have devised some brilliant method to destroy a rock of such a size by then.

Unfortunately, the children who make up that generation of humans happened to be the most underachieving generation that humans had ever seen in their own history. There were some geniuses who made up a portion of this generation, mind you, and they were the ones who designed and constructed the one-mile-high sting ray nicknamed "The Death Star Laser". The complex design and details of this device cannot be explained well by a narrator lacking technical expertise, but the narrator does know that this one-mile-high sting ray looked like a huge thermometer with coils that gradually became smaller towards the raised tip of the ray. The ray was attached to the top of the Eiffel Tower, the tallest standing structure near the east side of the Atlantic, the area where the asteroid was supposed to hit. The ray used a combination of high frequency sound waves and electromagnetic waves, as well as the help of the Northern Lights for amplification, to break the rock into at least fourteen smaller pieces. If everything went as planned, nine of the smaller pieces would end up orbiting the Earth, giving humans time to send astronauts to destroy them, and the other five would either be deflected away from Earth or approach Earth at such an angle that it smashes into Earth. Still, even if those five fragments hit Earth, only one billion people would be killed, thought the humans. And they were sort of fine with that, feeling that this would be a good excuse for easing overpopulation without moral issues arising. So the leaders of the world decided not to tell anyone about those five fragments. That minor detail was hushed up well.

On the day that the asteroid was to hit Earth, just about everybody was celebrating because they were under the impression that no part of the asteroid was going to enter Earth’s atmosphere. The leaders of the world celebrated because the human race was not going to be wiped out after all, not entirely anyway.

But the celebration was short-lived. It began to drizzle over the Eiffel Tower, and the drizzle soon became a huge thunderstorm. Lightning struck the top of the tower, which usually wouldn’t cause any reason for concern because the tower was designed with lightning rods and grounding in case lightning happened to hit the tower anyway. But hold on, wasn’t there a huge one-mile-high sting ray that used the Eiffel Tower as a foundation? What became of that? The bottom part of the mile-high ray was still at a low enough altitude to be affected by the weather. The northwest base of the ray was severely damaged by the bolt of lightning, but when the committee in charge of inspecting the ray found no serious damage to the ability of the ray to function. So, after the damage was assessed, the committee gave the plan a go and thumbs up. They were ready to destroy the incoming asteroid, which was beginning to pass Earth’s moon.

There was a massive gathering for the powerful zap of the sting ray thinger in the evening of the event. Several prominent world leaders gave powerful speeches with one thousand dollar words, and the eloquence of the leaders summoned tears among the crowd. For the next twenty five minutes, complimentary punch and butterscotch brownies were served. A huge shadow began to move across the land as the asteroid headed straight towards the English Channel, which was not where the asteroid was expected to land, but that’s besides the point. Thousands of pairs of eyes followed the giant ray as it tilted itself northwest at an angle so that the waves would be amplified by the Northern Lights. The asteroid had to be bombarded with the waves at a certain distance from Earth in order for the plan to work.

All eyes were on the asteroid, which had begun blocking some of the sunlight. Suddenly, the ray’s moving base began to creak. Yet, all eyes remained on the asteroid. The wider the angle the ray tilted, the louder the base creaked, but most eyes remained on the asteroid, sensing nothing odd about the sound. Teams of engineers approached The Death Star Laser base area with tanks of DW-40. All eyes remained on the asteroid. Some eyes glanced back and forth from the countdown display and the sky. The creaking sound had stopped, and everyone felt assured that the annoyance was fixed. The ray, which had stopped moving, aimed and ready. Twenty seconds later, a stampede of engineers frantically poured out of the inside of the base.

The sound of their jumbled panicky voices was absolutely unintelligible, but one of the news reporters made out one engineer screaming...

"Shit! Someone call the committee! Stop the ray!" But the crowd was no longer looking in the direction of the engineers. They were staring awestruck at the ray. By now, it was very obvious to everyone in the area that the northwest side of the base was imploding rapidly. He ray remained stationary, however, because the base was strong enough to hold the ray as it was. Bright glows and high-pitched sounds began moving upward across the row of coils. The countdown began with a chant from the crowd. Numbers of all different languages were shouted out, but everyone was counting, "10, 9, 8, 7, 6..."

Nobody in the crowd saw a reporter hysterically running up the stairs towards the control center of the ray. Nobody saw the engineers banging on the locked door to the control center. Nobody saw the previously stationary ray tilting at an even wider angle away from the sky and the Northern Lights. The crowd excitedly continued their countdown while hundreds of camera flashes and camcorders’ red LED’s lit across the sea of people.

"...FIVE!, FOUR!, THREE!, TWO!, ONE!" The ray became so noisy that it drowned out the cheer of the crowd one mile below. TSEEEEEE! The crowd looked at the asteroid with great anticipation with dead silence for four seconds. Then, a two-second quake rocked the ground as if it was a wave or vibration. Actually, it was a vibration. People in Iceland and all over the Scandinavian peninsula watched in horror as the Arctic ice caps shattered and melted simultaneously. Sizzling burn marks in the ice north of Iceland could be seen from fishing boats right before being swept away by tsunamis. Tsunamis spread southward in all directions, and when the tsunamis could be seen from the Eiffel Tower, the crowd dispersed in all directions. And the asteroid kept on coming.

* * *

Two spaceships managed to leave the planet. Only two of them were ready for takeoff. One carried the great leaders of the world, the brilliant people who would lead the remaining humans out of this mess. Miscalculations were made when converting to metric during the launch process, so the first spaceship is on its way deep into space...where no man has ever gone before... So much for the hope of the world.

The other spaceship carried a young male and a young female, who temporarily became imposters of the astronauts who were really supposed to board the spacecraft, and a crippled old man with a bushy white beard and white hairs on his balding head. They were also a few glass containers with some animals and plants, among them being a genetically altered snake that had been taught sign language, and a hybrid from an apple tree and a plum tree.

On board were dehydrated foods and frozen liquids to last several months, after which other sources of food would need to be discovered to ensure survival.

So after the male and the female munched on space ice cream while watching the spectacular explosion on Earth from their windows, the crew of three met in a meeting room on the spaceship.

The female human led the discussion in...whatever language they spoke.

"Our food needs to be rationed until we find a planet to settle upon. I think I know where I might find one. I read it somewhere," she told the other two.

"Oh good," answered the male. "Since we’re starting off new and fresh, let’s give ourselves new names."

"I’m Eve," said the female.

"I’m Adam," said the male.

"I’m God," said the old white-bearded man.

"Damn, why did you have to take me on this trip? It’s so fucking cold!" communicated the snake in sign language. "I hate all of you. You must all suffer!"

"You little devil!" barked the old man.

"I’m fine with that," the snake replied. And thus, the snake became known as the Devil.

"Wait! What about me?" thought the hybrid tree, whose thoughts were translated by a synthesizer thinger.

"You’ll be ‘The Tree of Eden’, if we ever find a place to call Eden, that is," answered Adam.

"Ugh! Such an insipid name, really! Your lack of a sense of creativity really blows me away. I shall bring doom to you and your female counterpart...someday...someday...," the tree cried.

"Count me in," added the snake.

"I see a great future ahead of us, Eve," said Adam. "When we find a place to call Eden, we’ll have lots and lots of children for love and procreation!"

Eve answered, "Ugh... for me, it’ll just be for the sake of procreation."

"You’ll have to teach them the importance of multiplying their population," added God.

"But what if they ask how our parents multiplied? ...and how we came into this world?" asked Adam. "How do we explain how the world around us came about? How do we know how to name things?"

"Yo, I’M doing the naming," interrupted Eve.

God continued, "Just tell them that I created everything in a week. Tell them that they must worship me three days a week. How about Friday, Saturday, and Sunday?"

"How ‘bout just Sunday?" asked Adam.

"Oh, and you must tell them to be good and follow rules if you want to be able to manage the whole lot of them," added God.

"Alright, you create the rules. Let’s call it, the ‘Universal Guide to Life and Lawbook of the Galaxy’," said Adam.

"How about just, ‘The Bible’?" interrupted God. "Oh, and you don’t want them to throw a revolution and rebel against you, so you’re going to want to prevent any kind of unification among them. So we’ll just make each of them think that the world started a slightly different way than the last group thought. Make them as confused as possible. And to make them really confused, we’ll never let them see my face. Ha. That oughta do the trick."

"Oh, okay," Adam said. God looked over to the cages and containers along the hallway.

"Oh, and I claim that talking hybrid tree over there. You know, the Tree of Eden. I’m going to need someone to talk to if I’m going to be hiding myself. So remember, don’t fucking touch my tree, or I’ll kick both of your asses until you’re out of Eden, got me on that?" asked God.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure, whatever you said," answered Adam.

* * *

So they embarked on their journey for the search for an inhabitable planet, which they would call Eden. The cycle of life begins again elsewhere, and the rock-flinging aliens continue to fling rocks at inhabited planets. We love our new planet. Just don’t point that fucking thing at me, you rock-flinging sons of bitches.

The end...of the story, goddamnit! Quit sobbing!