I don't understand guys. There. I said it. I can predict what a guy is thinking about as well as a push pin. Still, it's comforting to know that I am not alone, and that I may actually be better off than some. Because at least I recognize my deficiency. The sad reality is that, as much as we like to pretend that we can guess what a guy is thinking, rarely do women know for sure. But rest assured, ladies, guys are no better off.

The cause is straightforward enough. Men and women don't communicate. Effectively letting our significant other (or significant other to-be) know what we're feeling generally proves the most elusive aspect of any relationship because as clear as we think we've been, we never get the point across. The problem? Men and women simply don't speak the same language.

Women work in subtleties. There aren't many of us who would actually tell a guy we're really interested. Instead, we link arms with them or laugh at their no-so-funny jokes or ask them for help we don't need.

We fish for compliments. The response to a question like "Do these pants make my butt look big?" may as well be a test of devotion.

Rarely will we specifically recommend a place to eat, but we will eliminate every other suggestion. Same thing goes for movies.

If something is bothering us, the best a guy can hope for is a vague passing reference to it. Or, if we choose to let on that we're mad, we don't give specifics as to why.

The pattern should be apparent. Women never say exactly what we're thinking, but we'll beat around the bush until, good GOD, could we make it more obvious??? The problem is that guys are about as perceptive as cement blocks. They're utterly oblivious to hinting; that's what women don't understand. We might as well not bother at all.

Of course, guys are no better at elucidating what they want. They just don't say anything at all. We don't even get a hint, because they work in sneak attacks. They'll be honest, but not before a leaving you confounded for a few days... or weeks... or months.

A guy will barely acknowledge a girl's existence until the moment he asks her out.

If something's bothering them, they simply stop talking. They'll sit in silence for weeks. The quiet before the ambush, if you will. I'll never know how to prepare myself for that.

It would be foolish of me to proceed to urge all men and women to tell it like it is, immediately, without ambiguity. It is contrary to our every instinct. It will never happen...

... but I guess it doesn't have to. After all, men and women have been getting together since Adam and Eve, or whatever you choose to believe. Besides, knowing what guys are thinking would take some of the fun out of it. So I guess I'll leave understanding men to the push pin. I'm enjoying oblivion.