Okay. The broke college student thing is old now. I spent the last six months with broken speakers because I couldn’t afford to replace them. For the 18 hours of the day during which I require music, I get half music, half irritating rattling. I overstuff the washer despite the signs explicitly warning against it because I can’t afford to do extra loads of laundry. At the end of last semester, I was forced to live off Raman noodles because I ran out of meal points and six meals for a buck-fifty was the best deal around.
Anyway, being practically penniless got me thinking, and I’ve decided that what I really need is unlimited time and funding. I’ve formulated a list of what I would do with this wealth:
1. Go skydiving.
I’m told that the first three times you do it, they pull the ripcord automatically. That’s alright, but not nearly as fun as doing it for real. So this one will be repeated four or more times.
2. Purchase a fast car.
I don’t know much about cars, but I do like to speed. Thus, anything fast would be fine. I’d also like a convertible.
3. Earn a spot on the Olympic curling team.
I want to be one of the people the scratch the path in front of the ball. It looks like fun.
4. Visit Europe.
I have not been out of the north-east U.S. since infancy. And that’s sad.
5. Learn to play the guitar.
And ultimately become a rock star. I’d also accept a leading role in a feature film.
6. Own a million dollar bill.
I’m assuming they exist. I’d just like to hold it in my hand. I’m also a little curious about what they do with all the extra zeros.
7. Make pots.
Lots and lots of lopsided ones, directly from my own pottery wheel. People would buy them, I’m sure.
8. Spend a night with Brad Pitt.
Mmm Brad Pitt.
9. Be the editor of a magazine.
I would control all content, and occasionally write my own material. None of that starting out at the bottom shite.
10. Learn to surf.
I’d require an entire summer in Australia. Or California.
I’d probably accept enough money to go somewhere fun for spring break. But if anyone has a viable get-rich-quick scheme, they should let me know as soon as possible.
March 6, 2002
© PunchDrunken.com 2002