Growing Pains
There has been a great deal of talk lately about the passing of the "golden age of Yahoo Gor." The "good old days" when men were men and women were women. Some who are most vocal about the "old days" were not even here then. I look around and can count less than 20 of us who were.
Yahoo Gor itself has gone through it's own evolution. For a time, what we had here, what those who came before us had created.... was magic. You actually felt, the minute you entered a Gorean room, that you had entered a place completely different that you'd ever known before. And yet... for some of us, it was as if we'd discovered the place we were always meant to be. I am the first to admit that my first few ventures into Gor were late night forays with a friend, usually short lived. (And most of those adventures ended with a resounding "click" echoing in my ears as we left.) But, I kept returning. After a while, alone, I would come and sit and watch quietly. (Yes, me... quiet... imagine that.) Back then, there were only a few Gorean taverns, not the dozens we see on the room lists today. Much of my time was spent in Airk's Hunting Tarn... or the 3MG. As for the Dagger... well, that was a place where men ruled. Women did not venture there alone. It was a long time before I was brave enough to go there alone, and only then, during the days when She_Devil12 (Sajan) was there. (And truth be told, until I got to know her, she scared the hell out of me as well.)
Each tavern was distinctly different... yet each unmistakably Gorean. The 3MG was not quite so intimidating as the Dagger... Torjarl (Brackus) and AHM and Stroke were there, and while the atmosphere was more relaxed (more like a neighborhood bar), it was still Gor. Men were in charge and we women knew it. Even though you would often find FW there, (Rose, Mara, Eterna and myself) and we had the freedom to express opinions, we were always very much aware that our presence was merely tolerated. The free (mostly men, since there were not many of us FW back then) were quick to correct every typo and infraction in serves and dances. Mediocrity was never acceptable. Insolence was simply not tolerated. The slaves strove for perfection back then, each word was painstakingly labored over. We saw slaves whipped for a typo in a serve or for using an abbreviation (LOL), instead of typing it out. Each girl tried to be the best she could be to please.... not better than the girl beside her. I remember the "hush" that came over the room if a slave dared utter the dreaded "I." And while PM's were fast and furious between us FW, we considered very carefully what we said in public. Even though free, we were always aware of the tentative hold we had on that freedom. Women, whether free or slave were to be pleasing... or else.
And yet... in the midst of all of this seriousness, we had fun. None of us who were present on the night of "Gor-B-Q" will ever forget it. We joked and laughed at tourists, and endured the occasional invasions by neighboring "Vampires." I remember quite clearly the night a stranger entered Airk's place, grabbed a slave and held a quiva to her throat. Every man in the room reacted until the stranger yelled, "Nobody move!!!....... Or I'll shoot!!!" Yes, we did have fun. I think we were able to do so because we each knew our place. The roles were more clearly defined then. There is a security in that. A comfort in knowing exactly where you stand in the grand scheme of things.
But, as is the way of things, Yahoo changed their format. Those first few nights we were like refugees after a war trying to locate each other and find places to meet. Imagine coming into Yahoo and finding everything you know gone and having to start over. The rooms were different, navigating was a nightmare and those damn smiley faces were the only thing that worked. Many found they were unable to access the java and moved on. For a while, we searched nightly for a new home for the 3MG, packing up the furs and traveling like gypsies to wickedchat and countless other sites before they finally settled in IRC.
Meanwhile, here in Yahoo Gor, things were different. It was a struggle keeping Gor alive. To her credit, Sajan had the Dagger open every night. There was never a night when there was not one Gorean room on the list. We have her to thank for that. In the mornings, Asatru sometimes opened the TSG and shortly after the change, I re-opened the Falls permanently. But, the majority of strong male leaders was gone. There had been a subtle shift in Gor. Where once men ruled, now it fell to those of us who were left to set the standards that new people entering Gor would follow. Where once we, as FW turned to men for guidance, now it was to us that new men entering Gor looked to for guidance. Free women became stronger not because we wanted to take over. We became stronger because we had to. We struggled daily to keep true to the principles of Gor that we had been taught. We fought fiercely to keep Gor alive in yahoo.
With the new format, more and more people flooded into Yahoo and into Gor. Trying to maintain control in a room is not easy on a good day, but when the 300th person of the day wanders in and shouts, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOREAN?" that could test the composure of the strongest person. New men came to Gor and we as FW were put in the position of having to teach them of Gor.
They seemed to fall into two categories.
Those in the first category, once they heard that "Gor is a man's world," took that and ran with it. It's been said that "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." This could not be more true here. When faced with a rule or standard they did not like, many simply opened their own taverns with the intent of "doing Gor MY way." With each new tavern that opened, those principles of Gor were watered down until it was barely recognizable. We watched as men without strong role models turned Gor into a joke here.
This was not true of all who came then... but many. There were those who truly wished to learn. However, while a Free Woman can display honor and integrity, there are some things men can only learn from other men. A woman cannot teach a man to be a man. It is one thing to share the philosophies of Gor and give advice on the books, but when a man comes to me for approval and affirmation, the natural order is somehow skewed. A Gorean woman does not want a man to look up to her. She wants, needs to look up to him. While we strive daily to earn the respect of men, we do not wish to be revered.
But, back then we had no choice. We were the ones people came to for advice and guidance and we had an obligation as Goreans to be strong. To become stronger than we had been. Perhaps stronger than we were ever meant to be. To hold true to the Gor we knew. At times, it seemed impossible. It felt as if we were surrounded by these "new Gorean men" who were either running around bullying every woman they met, or being constantly asked for affirmation that they were "doing it right." I know, for myself... as I became stronger, I perhaps became more strident and outspoken. Bossy. Bitchy. I was called that many times.
In retrospect, I must admit I was. Bitchy. But now that some time has passed and I can look back with a little perspective... I know it was a reaction to the dull ache I felt inside. Feeling forced into a position of authority while wanting nothing more than for those strong leaders to step up and take the reigns again.
Take being the operative word there. When one becomes used to being in authority, to telling people what to do, it is not easy to gracefully step back and allow others to do so. Perhaps it is vanity in thinking no one will do it as "right" as you do. Or fear that everything you have fought so hard to build will come crashing down without your hand to guide it.
Recently, we have seen a return of those strong men who left so long ago. One of them, a man for whom I have tremendous respect, after being called a hardass, said to me, "Women need to allow men to be strong again."
To this I say, "No." Gorean men have never needed the permission of women to be strong. It is their right. It is who they are. Gorean men do not bully women or attempt to demean or suppress them. Gorean men rise above them. The stand strong and proud. They are consistent and firm. They do not compromise. They do not shout, they assert their will. They do not bluster and threaten every woman with a collar, they simply accept no less than compliance. They do not demand respect. They command it by their strength of character.
Gorean women do not "allow" men to be strong... Gorean men set the standard of strength... and that is what allows Gorean women to be what they are... female.
I wish you well,
Dangrus
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