Humanity lost... or just misplaced?
Yesterday I took part in an exhilirating spontaneous discussion on Gor. Much of the discussing was on the part of the slaves in the room, while the free would occasionally interject a comment here and there. One "slave" in particular, was quick to post quote after quote from the books. While others were sharing opinions, this one girl kept stating, "in Captive, this slave behaved this way. In Slavegirl, that slave did that." I could see the frustration building in the others in the room as they struggled to learn and to share their own thoughts, while this person continued to recite from the sacred scrolls. Finally, I stated to her that this journey is not about modeling ourselves after two-dimensional characters in fictional stories. It is about looking deeper to understand the philosophies which motivate these characters to behave the way they do. I've always seen the characters as a sort of "visual aid" which Norman uses to demonstrate his theories of the natural order. The aforementioned slave grumbled about being misunderstood and eventually left the discussion.
Today, it was brought to my attention that this same slave quoted my own words on a public board. I chuckled and wondered if she had experienced some sort of epiphany overnight... or if she was simply doing what she did best... parroting another's words instead of thinking on her own. Without hesitation, I assumed the latter.
Then... I stopped and wondered why I had made that assumption.
Recently, someone whom I'd not seen in some time said to me, "Dangrus, you have changed. You used to be softer..."
I know this is true. How can anyone make this journey and not be changed in some way? I am more cynical than I was when I entered Gor. More suspicious of people's motives. I know that I have found strengths within myself I never knew I had. But I also know that I am in danger of losing something precious to me... My humanity.
There are two forces at work here.
One is the essential truths of Norman's philosophies. Through them, I find strength and a feeling of being "centered." Where once I felt adrift in this society of gender equality, now I find myself securely anchored in the reality of the natural order. That is something I will be eternally thankful for.
The other force at work here, is this online atmosphere. The cavalier attitude toward the feelings of others that is so prevalent here. The blatant cruelty and pettiness with which people treat each other is difficult to witness. I do not believe people come here that way. I think this medium brings that out. The illusion of safety that annonymity affords us, gives some free reign to do things they cannot (or would not have the nerve to) do offline.
A friend once told me that the way people behave here is a more accurate reflection of a person's true character than real life. We are not held accountable by any laws online. We are as honest or dishonest here as we choose to be. It is only our own personal honor that governs us. For some, being honest is the only way we know to be... but for many it is an impossible task. In real life, you get one name. One face. If you have a dispute with someone you have two choices... confront them and settle it or walk away and move on with your life. You cannot slip on a disguise and harass them. When you screw up, you cannot simply change your name and start over as if nothing happened. Strange... One of the mainstays of the Gorean philosophy is to take responsibility for your own actions and yet here, where people are so quick to claim the title of "Gorean," it rarely happens. The pervasive attitude of "who cares, it's only online," spreads like a cancer, poisoning for many what could be a wondrous experience.
When we lose sight of the people, the human beings behind the names on the screen... we lose something of our own humanity.
I know that deep within me still beats the heart I came here with. A strong heart that is loving and kind and compassionate. It is just no longer on my sleeve, but tucked safely behind the walls I have erected to protect it. It is more carefully guarded, but it is still there.
We each have our own struggles. Mine is to use the strengths I have found within to protect the softer heart of me. Oh, I still love the same way I fight for what I believe is right.... passionately and with every fibre of my being. Only now, I am more discerning about whom I care for and trust, just as I carefully choose my battles. I try to maintain my perspective.
Because if the day comes when I see only names on my screen... if I ever feel the temptation to lie or cheat or manipulate those names just because I can... if the time ever comes when I cannot reach inside and feel my own humanity... that will be the day I know that I have stayed here too long.
Becoming Gorean should make one more human... not less. Reading the books is only the prelude. The real journey begins after that.
To those whom I have hurt with my self-protective cynicism, I apologize. To those whom I have welcomed into my heart, know that you will always have a home there.
To those who are still searching for Gor... there is only one place to look... inside.
I wish you well,
D
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