6-29-00
I'm not an angst ridden teen who's to the point of suicide because of depression, but I can say I'm misunderstood, and it's frustrating...I can also say I know myself better than most teens know themselves at the age of 15, or people at any age for that matter. The talent for reading personalities accurately and swiftly is something I'm proud of. I guess this is just random stuff about me...
Um, the biggest thing on my mind right now would be beliefs. I've realized when talking to people, I tend to look at things from their POV and discuss things that way. It seems like I have no opinions of my own, or that I'm attempting to please someone by always agreeing with them. A lot of times people can put into words what I can't (I seem to have lost the ability to properly express myself vocally.) or like I said, I'm looking at it from their POV. I'm also very open minded and willing to adopt a belief if previously I hadn't known a lot about the issue and after I've done some research. This came about when I realize a lot of things a friend of mine says I seem to agree to, but he's one of the few people I know that can say something intelligently, and he also has a lot of the same viewpoints I do. Someone told me today, however, I shouldn't be insecure about this (I'm very insecure about anything I say, even though I'll say whatever I want. I'm not usually shy.) because if someone can't see I'm trying to be on their level (not necessarily up OR down from my own, more like their own plain of thought), it's not my fault. And lastly, even in the last few months I've been thinking things through and developing soapboxes on things, and I'm sure in the next few years I'll become opinionated on many more.
Second, the expression thing. For the last 5 months or so, it seems I've been having problems presenting what I want to say. Sometimes my thoughts race through my head so fast I get tomgue tied, or they're just not...there. And it's really bothering me. It's like everything gets totally muddled. If something's HELLA bothering me, I'm able to sit down, totally clear my mind, make myself not worry about organization, and then I can totally sound off and whatever it is..but even the simplest things are getting harder for me to get through to people...not because of their own inability to understand for once...I like, slur my words and things now, too...and I NEVER did that before. It's so frustrating...
Third, I was wondering...a lot of people come to me advice, but I've realized I tend to give opinions too quickly sometimes. I recently talked to my friends about them never asking what's wrong and just listening sometimes, but then I thought back and realized I'm always saying how I've had a similar experience, or trying to help out....I apologize if people just wanna vent sometimes and I try to be too helpful or something.
I really long for friends/a friend that'd be the kind of person who calls just to say hi or to check I'm feeling ok...who asks what;s bothering me....that one you'll remember throwing a suprise 16th bday party...decorating your locker on a special day...someone who shares interests with you and gets together with you and acts on
them......kindred spirits of sorts. I really think it's mad cool that guy I was talking about (Alex) gets together with his band and has interests and hobbies and stuff...I just wish the people like him, and peeps like, on TNL that I think are mad awsome (Friday's one of those peeps), well, that I could let them know that w/o feeling all mad corny and everything...and having them think "she's a nut case"....ya know, when you really wanna get to know someone? I guess it comes from me always trying to figure people out...Shady says it's me trying to put everyone in a tiny box, and I guess that;s true...some peeps I can semi figure out, which can be good enough, and others are so easy just to know how they are....
One more thang for tonight (this really is turning into a place I can state my insecurities...)...when I'm upset...I don't think it's that I want pity or anything, but I tend to tell everyone my probs, just so I know I get it out to people. It seems the people that should care, don't, or just pass my probs off, and I just want to have had someone know something was wrong....does that make sense?
---
A lot of my friends have read what I wrote tonight when I asked them to and tell me if I was nuts or not...from each and every person who read it (ok, maybe there was one...yeah, I think one person made some other comments) said they feel or have felt the exact same way. A net friend of mine, Tink, told me just the other day that she thinks a lot of people experience the same insecurities and anxieties as others. If people would stop all the pretenses, we'd all get a long much better and there'd be more understanding.
Also, Alex read this tonight after he got off of work...we got to talking about how he doesn't think I'm nuts for writing this, but that I remind him of how he used to be..and I said that's true...I've learned a lot in the past few months that has helped me know myself better, and he said as he gets older he seems to know less about himself...as more doors open up there are more choices to make. And I guess that's extremely true...as I replied back: Alot of people have the same insecurities up until a point...then some start dealing with them. Others hide them away and it doesn't always bother them....it eats others up, and some can't deal at all.
The whole point of this is to help me get stuff out, allow other people to understand, and to make people think. My next thoughts'll probably be on religion...
6-30-00
The True Definition of a Bitch
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love,
they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,
they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
I am proud to be a bitch!
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
By God, I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
---
That poem is...extremely true. People opress you when you speak from your heart. Never be afraid to say what's on your mind and to state your beliefs.
As previously mentioned, I'll be discussing religion (just my own views on things...not like, making all of you believe such and such.) as wells as my points on teen relationships/dating. Ooh, and more random thoughts on my insecurity issues.
---
This is an odd but semi interesting concept:
Today a friend and I were discussing homosexuality. She asked how anyone could seriously “be
gay”. After considering her question, I replied that for women, I think it’s more of physical
attraction, verses in men, it’s emotional. There’s no doubt about it-womens’ bodies are one of the
most beautiful things on Earth. Men are good looking (we DO find them attractive, hey ladies ;),
yes, but it’s not the same. Now, for my theory, it isn’t acceptable for males to express themselves
in as many ways females can. “Macho” guy friends wouldn’t be understanding, and either would
most girlfriends. Today’s society defines things as men showing tenderness or crying as “weird”.
They seek compassion from other members of their own sex. This isn’t to say looks aren’t a
factor-they are in any relationship, homo or het. For females, some cases are mere frustration
with the men they come in contact with (yes, I guess you could point out I’m partly saying people
are driven to homosexuality.) and sex appeal. But, same for the looks factor with men, there
usually will be an emotional bond in any type of relationship.
---
I can't stand my parents anymore...I really can't. It's so sad how many teens have, not just parents they don't like, but mentally and verbally abusive ones....I think my main vent is a lot of my own fault-I can't deal with my parents' stupidity. That sounds shallow and mean, but I've sat down with them...countless times and tried to teach them the simplest things-they can't grasp anything. They've never known the names of my friends, teachers, been involved in activities because they embarass me by never knowing what's going on...with my mother, it's like raising a child. She's so insecure (this runs in my family...but it was pressed on HER by a mentally abusive husband...) and weak. She's never attempted to fix her situation...it's pathetic. I've lost all respect for her. With my "father" (biologically, I'm his...but I can honestly say there's NEVER been an emotional bond.)...it's like, a 52 year old child who's gone through his entire life honestly believing he's perfect and everyone's out to get him. His mother (she's 82 and the most racist, selfish, shallowist person I know) raised him stating how wonderful he was and how anything anyone else ever did was bad....he's always felt the need to dominate people to lift up his own self esteem. He'll purposely come home and nit pick at everything until someone snaps at him once (I mean, hours, days, weeks, months) and then he says how "fucking insane" everyone is..."you're all screwed up in the heads...it sure as hell isn't me" and just bitch bitch bitch. Then, because I've learned not to stoop to his level, and I ignore him, he calls the cops and says I'm threatening him, I'm out of control, and all this BS. The cops come, he tells them all these lies...I've even been sent to shelter before (a mini juvey hall). Counseling? He stopped going after he was told I'm a very capable young adult who will go far in life, and he needs years of intense therapy to find and fix his insecurities and to learn anger management. "Those fucks don't know what they're talking about..." We've been to, 4 or 5, I think. It's total BS, and it's gone on for years. And he starts over the gayest shit-"the cats touched my car, everyone hates me-I'm so wonderful and everyone else is ruining my life", just...literally everything. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it-for all the social workers being able to "take me away", make me see counselors, force me to agree to behave.....he never has to attend mandatory counseling, he can lie and say whatever he wants, the cops would never take HIM away...and us being a family of damn good actors, he composes himself perfectly by the time they pull up...the times we've sat down and I've tried to maturely dicuss things with him, he's demanded I complain for always causing problems, bitches about how I ruined his marriage and our family, demanded this and that...he's made my mother lie to cops before...he's completely torn her apart mentally and has made her physcally weak...he can't stand it that I won't break down and cry and let him ruin my life. He can't stand I'll go much farther than he can. I fight so hard to remember I'll be above this all day and not to let him get to me...in the past few months I've learned to compose myself and to meet him in this maturely. He recently told me he can't help fighting with me because he gets so upset whenever he sees me he automatically becomes defensive, and having endured this so long he won't be able to change himself and I should let him act how he wants. A 52 yr old man should not "stoop down" to the level of a teenager, especially when I'm not even acting near how he is. And what's extremely sad is that both of my brothers have already displayed similar behavior. (In case you were wondering, I don't hold myself blameless in some things, or perfect myself.)
---
Before I go any further...ty to my friends. Amanda, Megan, Shady, Cake, Tink, Sweetwaters, Eva, Ellen, Snowflake, Filly, Tear...everyone who's been there to listen to me vent (aim, mailing lists, phone calls...), been there, given me hugs, listened, FORCED me to smile and be happy against my will....I wish 99% of you didn't live so far away. You don't know how much you mean to me and how you've helped....w/o you, I have no idea what may have happened a few months ago, however drastic that may sound. I appreciate you guys *so* much.
---
Adam's Song
i never though i'd die alone
i laughed the loudest who'd have known.
i traced the cord back to the wall
no wonder it was never plugged in at all
i took my time, i hurried up.
the choice was mine
i didn't think enough.
i'm too depressed to go on
you'll be sorry when i'm gone.
i never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days.
days when i still felt alive.
we couldn't wait to get outside.
the world was wide, too late to try.
the tour was over i'd survived.
i couldn't wait till i got home
to pass the time in my room alone.
i never though i'd die alone.
another six months i'll be unknown.
give all my things to all my friends
you'll never set foot in my room again.
you'll close it off, board it up.
remember the time that i spilled the cup.
of apple juice in the hall.
please tell mom this is not her fault.
i never conquered, rarely came,
but tomorrow holds such better days
days when i can still feel alive.
when i can't wait to get outside.
the world is wide the time goes by.
the tour is over, i've survived
i can't wait till i get home.
to pass the time in my room alone.
---
Suicide-
I'd never commit it...well, not any more. I've discovered there's too much to live for, and I have too much spirit to give up so easily, and I want to help others going through the things I am...and maybe because partly I'm too weak to actually do it...too afraid of pain. I was talking to Cake on aim, and she says she thinks it's so stupid, and it's just people giving up too easy. Some cases, I guess...but others...I was talking to Shady a few weeks ago, and I asked her if it made sense for someone to want to kill themselves...not out of depression, lost hope, insanity, or anything else like that...but because besides living actual day by day experiences, they've fulfilled themselves...discovered what they wanted to, had the good times and bad, seem to have figured things out? And at times, it does make sense...not to want to see everything fall apart as it can...life not being worth dealing with all the bad just for what good you get....but also, the meaning of life is living...is the experiences...and even if the world has turned it's back, it can never rip away your soul and what makes you you. death is too final...this life is too short not to make the most of it, despite what everyone else does, you can keep on living and finding what's out there for you. yet, some situations are hopeless...and won't change, despite all the fighting in the world...because society's claws have done too much...it refuses to let you climb....it's such a mixed issue/emotion...
---
Religion-
I'm considered a member of the WELS (Wisconsin Evangical Lutheran Sinate) church. Baptised and confirmed as such, and I firmly believe the Bible they use. However, the experiences I've had with members of it's congregations, pastors, and what I've seen of their teachings has previously made me doubt my faith. They tend to be cold hearted, money hungry ,hard hearted and insensitive. I've seen numerous teachers both physically and mentally abuse students. Pastors have cared little about their flock. When using passages from the Bible, they'll insert a "..." when they encounter words they don't want to use....for over a year this made me consider changing religions (still remaining Christian, of course)...I even went as far as to "bad mouth" WELS Lutherans, becoming as little minded as them. Just last week, in the peace and tranquility of one of my most favorite places, i realized it's not about the congregations (even though Christian bonding and fellowship is wonderful), and what the pastors may teach, it's about believing and having a relationship with Jesus Christ, Our Lord, and reading and following what he says in the Holy Scriptures and what he enacts in my own heart.
---
8-17-00
Reinventing the Wheel by Pet Engine
Tough on the shell but you're softer inside,
than anyone would have expected
Self conscious tries, he explains while he lies,
of fear of being rejected,
by everyone who knows...
so you borrow and you steal, reinventing your own wheel
somewhere else, you may be, I'll wait until you are complete
I'm never never coming down
you climb up high in the tree of your choice,
and cling on tightly to the branches
your searching hard just to find your own voice,
afraid of taking the chances,
that make you all the more...
so you borrow and you steal, reinventing your own wheel
you were, in the street, i wait until you can't compete
I'm never never coming down x2
Tough on the shell but your softer inside,
than anyone would have expected
Self conscious tries, he explains while he lies
for fear of being rejected
I'm never never coming down
to the level where you are
I don't need to be your star
so you borrow and you steal, reinventing your own wheel
I'm never never coming down x4
---
EVERCLEAR, Wonderful
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
Say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream adventures that will make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
(Na na na na na na na)
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I like to laugh so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
???
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just wanna my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Somedays I hate everything
I hate everything
Ever wanna live with me?
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
---
FIB-ing/MCD
Well, first off, FIB-ing is Female Insecurity Bullshit. Explained by one of my guy friends: "FIBbing is of course female insecurity bullshit, sure you can put it on your site. The prime example, and what moved me to make up the term, was when this chick i really liked actually she was my ex at the time, i's trying to get with her again. so we were at this party, and the whole night she was whispering in my ear how she wanted me, flirting with me and shit, but being real reserved about it cuz her boyfriend was there.
so i'm like damn, this is gonna be great when he leaves but long story short she was only doing that shit to see if her boyfrined cared about her or not. (FIB) and she made it abundantly clear when he left she wanted nothing to do with me " That goes along with always apologizing for stuff and asking if so and so likes you and whatnot. Being insecure...(so yes, I'm very big on FIB-ing)
MCD=Male Communication Disorder, and to all the other ladies...well, we know how that goes. Guys being so damn hard to read and confusing (although we probably bring some of it on ourselves)...so me being obsessive compulsive and always saving conversations (don't ask)...
Wilie: it comes from back in the beginning of history, the women were at camp so they could talk all they wanted. but the dudes were out hunting, you can't really talk when they're hunting so they used body language and that, but people today just can't pick up on nonverbal communication
Me: or they're looking for the wrong type of body language. and if you're gonna bring up that point, what about times during history where woman weren't allowed to talk or really voice anything? like some nomadic tribes and most of earlier time, actually, until all the womens lib stuff. i'm sure that contributed to FIB-ing a brain wouldn't keep a guy...(guys didn't want one in a chick anyhow) so looks and every little detail became important
Wilie: I'm not complaining that women struggle to look so nice, i just wish they wouldn't talk so much
Me: hmm, i should yell at you for that, but i'd hafta talk more
--
Until I get around to typing it up, if ever....here's a little blurb from another story:
Wilie: Maybe this is just a guy's point of view, but you don't drive 3 hours and not get laid.
Me: Chick's perspective: You don't drive 3 hours TO get laid.
---
7-18-00
Why is Rebecca afraid of commitment?
This has been on my mind all day. And hearing my bro verbally abusing and possibly physically beating his ex downstairs isn't helping. All my life I think I've been afraid of male dominance, just b/c I've seen what my father and brothers have used it to do to people. I've mentioned before that they're mentally and emotionally controlling. I've never been physically or sexually abused or anything like that. And I think another whole big thing is b/c with the way society is today, you're expected to have a physically intimate relationship and I'm emotionally not ready for that, and I can't figure why. I mean, I'm not saying I wish this wasn't true so I could jump in the sack with whatever guy I happen to be dating...in fact, I don't plan to sleep with anyone until I'm married. Maybe it's that I'm afraid I'll get close to someone and not want to have sex and then be hurt. I joke around with my guy friends and everything, but even little shit makes me nervous. (This is all out of order, no point rb, yes I realize this). Someone brought up fairty tale type love last night, and it's weird, lately I've been going through this "I really wanna find true love thing", when I'm older of course, and have a fairy tale relationship, but...not. Love to me isn't about being comfortable with being physical with someone. It's about communication, understanding, kindred spirits, etc. Sex and whatnot is something that should develop from that. I always use the thing that I could marry a gay guy and live with him all my life as extremely close friends with strong bond and get what I want. Hmmm...well, those were really random thoughts...
---
http://www.teleboards.com/teenboards.html is a hella awesome message board site.
---
Ideal mate?
Well, first off, I should make it quite clear I think teenage dating sucks. (As you say thats probably b/c I can't get anyone, stop being so damn full of yourself. I may not be drop dead gorgeous, But I can say I'm pretty. I've had guys tell me I am, and I've had boyfriends before. Every time I dumped them.) Why does it suck? B/c people get so damn obsessed and cloudy headed and never think clearly. I'm not saying if you don't find "The One" at the age of 13, you shouldn't date...in fact, the opposite. You should date more than opne person though out high school so you can find fdifferent traits you desore issomeone (my typing sucks tonight and i don't feel like correcting it) But people get possessive and insecure and all that other shit...ok, back on topic....what do I look for in a guy? Hell, I still like going on dates and whatnot, but I don't plan on anything long term for now...but, first, I can honestly say looks aren'y a factor (at least not until a little while intio the relationship). Like I mentioned above, I need someone I can talk to...someone one step ahead of me, b/c I have a tendency to get bored w/ guys b/c I go out with the ones I can whip (another reason I'm not dating right now). Someone who makes a opiint of playing hard to get ahwilw sweeping me off my feet. Suprising. All that jazz. Someone willing to argue with me and NOT be whipped. I get like, 3 wks into a relationship when the guy starts to totally disgust me...it's sad. Just b/c all his bad habits bother me, I get hella shallow about the looks thing, and I hate being connected...the whole commitment trip (there was more to the abpve statement, acttualy reasons besides insecuirty...more common sense) So now I realize boys will be bopys, and we all have our bad and good qualities, and I dunno...stuff. It doesn't bother me anymore. Ooh, ya know what I hate? When guys do stuff to make you not like them anymore by being a jerk and trying toi disgust you. Maybe that's why I hate spitting and whatnot, I get paranoid that they're trying to get me to break up with them or something.
---
Stay The Same
Chorus
Don't you ever wish you were someone else,
You were meant to be the way you are exactly.
Don't you ever say you don't like the way you are.
When you learn to love yourself, you¹re better off by far.
And I hope you always stay the same,
cuz there¹s nothin' 'bout you I would change.
Verse
I think that you could be whatever you wanted to be
If you could realize, all the dreams you have inside.
Don't be afraid if you've got something to say,
Just open up your heart and let it show you the way.
Chorus
Bridge
Believe in yourself.
Reach down inside.
The love you find will set you free.
Believe in yourself, you will come alive.
Have faith in what you do.
You'll make it through.
---
I Want It That Way
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way
But we are two worlds apart
Can't reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way
Chorus:
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
Am I your fire
Your one desire
Yes I know it's too late
But I want it that way
Chorus
Now I can see that we've fallen apart
From the way that it used to be, yeah
No matter the distance
I want you to know that
Deep down inside of me
You are my fire
The one desire
You are, you are, you are, you are
Don't wanna hear you say
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
Chorus
---
8-29-00
Itz Tough To Be A Teenager
Itz tough to be a teenager, no one really knows
What the pressure is like in school, this is how it goes.
I wake up every morning, and stare into this face
I wanna be good lookin', but I feel like a disgrace.
My friendz they seem to like me, if I follow through w/ their dare,
But when I try to be myself, they never seem to care.
My mom, well she keeps saying, I gotta make the grade
While both my parentz love me, it slowly seems to fade.
It seens like everyone I know is trying to be so kool.
And every time I try, I end up just a fool.
I've thought about taking drugs, I really don't want to you know
But I just don't fit in, and it's really startin' to show.
Maybe if I could make the teem, I'll stand out in the crowd
If they could see how hard I try, I know they would be proud.
You see I'm still a virgin my friends they can't find out
'Cause if they really knew the truth, I know they'd laugh and shout.
Sometimes I really get so low, I want to cash it in
My problems really arn't so bad, If I think how life's been.
Sometimes I'm realy lost, and wounder what to do
I wouder where to go, who can I talk to.
It'z tough to be a teenager, sometimes life's not far
I wish I had somewhere to go, and someone to CARE.
Tony Overman
---
Muzak
Hmm, it's been really bothering me lately ...what you may ask? Mainstream teeny bopper music. Unfortunately, some of the music *I* listen to. They don't write their own stuff. They don't play their own music. they can't dance or sing. They lip sing! There's no creativity or originality, yet anyone can get a quick rise to fame, a million air head followers, and have their wongs over played on MTV and on the radio. Le sigh...
---
The Spark Personality Test
This is pretty awesome...I'm listed under sugarbaby_51@hotmail.com as a Mastermind.
http://test3.thespark.com/person/
---
I may expand on these thoughts someday...I know I had this big 'thing' planned in my head the other day I had wanted to write, but anywho,
Time and truth reveal everything, yet this too will pass.
Everything becomes corrupt in it’s own time. Nothing remains pure. Nothing stay the same.
I have lost all faith in the human race.
You and me
We were the pretenders
We let it all slip away.
In the end what you don't surrender,
Well the world just strips away.
Human Touch by Bruce Springsteen
---
Social Anxiety
Whelp, here's really an honest to God problem...I have this whole anxiety disorder about starting school again...every year it gets worse and worse. I just cringe and get honestly sick when I'm around people in Kewaskum. I know every high school has the stuck up snobs and whatnot, but I just wish I could start over, where I could fit in well with the ones who weren't. I almost always come home in a bad mood, I can't deal with it....I mean, yeah, I have my friends there and everything, but all my true *best* friends live really far away and you know how it is hanging around the "acquaintences" gets after awhile. The classes and everything have never been a prob, just everything else. I guess I deal with it well enough, and I know everything anyone could say to me to get over it, it's just...I don't know. I don't know what the problem is really, except those people just set my entire being on defensive mode....
---
Teen Dating
This was in response to something printed in our daily paper. Parents were asking the writer of the column what to do about their teen daughter's boyfriend and her being alone.
This morning I read your “Teen solo dating, hormones create a dangerous mix” column in our
local paper. You mentioned that “teenagers don’t do well when operating under the influence”.
Not all teens are over hormonal and irresponsible. It *is* unfortunate that most are. Just look at
the amounts of teen pregnancies, and being in high school myself, I can honestly say it’s what’s
on the mind of many. However, I have numerous guy friends, boyfriends, and crushes, and I have
been in situations alone with a boy many times. What’s happened? Nothing. My mother’s taught
me from a very early age all the ethics and morals I need. Instead of running “don’t have sex,
don’t be alone with young males, behave yourselves, no you can’t go out” past a teen, teaching
them WHY they shouldn’t be doing immoral things over the fact that they just shouldn’t be can
work miracles. My mother’s explained consequences, allowed me to make my own conclusions
and then discussed them with me, and gave me the over all most important factor- her trust. I can
honestly say I deserve it and I’ve never given her a reason to doubt me. She sat both my brothers
and I down at a very early age and told us never to be afraid to come to her with anything, and in
doing that, she’s worked with us on making decisions and has always been there to guide (not
totally reign us in) us. It *is* better to be safe than sorry, however, it’s important parents let their
children develop instead of always sheltering them-some parents are paranoid over absolutely
everything and their child feels the need to rebel. Instead of stating we won’t be able to control
ourselves, please stress the need to discuss dating, teen sex, and the individual’s own ethics with
your teen to the point you *know* they’ll make the right decision within their own heart, and
they honestly believe what’s right and wrong. Not that they’re just agreeing with you to get them
off their backs. But also, remember to be reasonable. No matter how much a parent wants them
to stay young, every child needs to grow up. How they do that will be determined all the better by
proper instruction.
---
9-1-00
Looking for people to help with THE FLOW, an online newsletter-writers needed for everything. Interested? e-mail feeling_the_flow@hotmail.com .
---
The Flow
What is the flow? A friend set out to describe the flow to me once. “It's kinda hard to define,
kinda vague, but I assume you kinda know what it is. The dictionary defines it as "An apparent
ease or effortlessness of performance." Which I guess it's kinda true, but it's more than that. To
me it's like the force from Star Wars. Whenever there is music playing or I'm doing something
physically strenuous it's like there's something in the air that you can feel more than anything,
kinda like being high (I guess that's why some people call it a natural high). But once I learned to
recognize this flow I can tap into it's power and suddenly it seems like I'm not even working at all
to get the task done, it's just kinda doing it by itself, using my body as it's tool, truly a religious
experience.” I know he wanted me to apply the explanation to music, as he’s teaching me to play
guitar, but I think another direction it could take is...finding yourself. Not the every day flow,
meaning go with everyone else, but the inner flow....dancing to your own tune, knowing who you
are, and what direction you’re headed. Something you feel within yourself, that guides you.
Something you use to direct your life: God, your conscience, common sense. Once you latch onto
it, everything seems right. Some people just need to find the place where they can tap into it.
Friends, school, being the only one who has a certain talent, excelling in something. After it’s
your’s, your self esteem rises immensely. You know you can stand on your own two feet, the
memories of your gate to the flow whisks you into your future.
---
9-15-00
Hate
....is what makes the majority human. It's what seperates us from animals. They have instinctal fear, but humans have lost the ability to really care. A select few still hold on to love.
---
1984- good book.
---
I Am The Way by Alice Meynell
Thou art the way,
Hadst thou been nothing but the goal,
I cannot say
If thou hadst ever met my soul.
I cannot see---
I, child of process--if there lies
An end for me,
Full of repose, full of replies.
I'll not reproach
The road that winds, my feet that err,
Access, Approach
Art Thou, Time, Way, and Wayfarer
---
Religion again
Tonight was...amazing. It’s been almost a year and 4 months since I’ve attended church, and I
was finally brought back to God and made aware of what I was doing with my faith, instead of
silently going through the motions. I would read my bible and try to digest everything, but it
didn’t seem like I was really taking it in. I was trying so hard not to just study monotonously, but
tonight brought religion back into focus. When my best friend Amanda mentioned she was going
to go to church this evening, I asked her if I could also attend the service. Being tired from a road
trip to D.C. (and being a fluff :), she neglected to mention this wasn’t the traditional
congregation. Walking through the door slightly late, drifting down the hall way were the shouts
of those close our Lord. Loud praises and rejoicing mingled with the blast of a sheep’s horn and
music. Not the normal church organ, but a keyboarder and a guitarist. People were really being
moved by the Spirit. Throughout the service, I saw people that really wanted to be there. People
whom God was touching in their hearts. Participation in songs, communion, congregational
happenings was heart felt. I was completely in awe. At first, I had the initial public reaction-are
these people insane? I think we see that entire Baptist (just an example...like the TV type view
Blues Brothers 2000 gives...the church was nondenominational) “Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!”
thing as people being over dramatic and fake. But then thinking it over, I realized a church like
this is what I’ve been searching for. No need to be reserved, perfectly dressed, and with a
seemingly fakish exterior. Having been brought up as Lutheran, I didn’t feel I was getting
everything church should be. Compassion, caring, hope, and strong faith....those elements were
missing. The Christians there tonight believed God could still speak to his followers, still grant a
close relationship, and that apostles and disciples of Christ still are born in this day. Going back
to my friend Amanda....God’s light shines so brightly within her. I’ve seen it myself the past 5 or
so years I’ve known her, and so did this congregation. They’ve called on her to witness and pray
for people. A lot of people are interested in her spiritual growth. Though I don’t think I’ll ever be
as open about my faith as her, having the reserved Lutheran background, I do thank the Lord he
gave me this blessing tonight, rather than going to my older brother’s house. Speaking of my
reserved way of worship, I feel somewhat awkward when I attend functions where people are so
open, though I do enjoy and benefit from them immensely. I prefer to be somewhat withdrawn as
I watch others’ proclamations of faith and spirit. I don’t want people to view that as being snooty
or aloof. Anyway, to top that all off, I really missed the fellowship congregational worship
brings.
---
Teen Communication
Telephone. Something being passed along the grapevine until it finally reaches you
shredded by how many rumors, and who knows how much time was passed.
You know something’s wrong with your boyfriend. It’s driving you nuts, but he hasn’t
said a word.
You wish that chick would just ask you to the dance already. You two used to be best
friends, but ever since *her* best friend informed you of her crush on you, you’ve barely talked.
The wonderful world of teenage communication. All the rumors, all the maybes, and all
the misleading facts you receive are part of one giant tangled web. Maybe it’s a gender thing-she
finds out that special someone knows she likes him, and what’s the point? There’s no hope for a
relationship now. How embarrassing?!? He’s liked her for the longest time, but he’s never said a
word. She’s insecure. One’s surprised he even knows how to speak at all. All the relationship
games are completely and totally frustrating. I’ve heard some even go as far to say it stems back
to ‘caveman times’. The women would sit around camp and gossip, while men out on the hunt
had to rely on body language and their clever minds. Boys, that’s just an excuse. No one can read
minds.
Yet it doesn’t stop in the romance department. Your best friend for who knows how
many years has been moping and doping for weeks. Dropping subtle hints, but nothing as direct
as, ooh...maybe telling you the problem?
It’s also not just everyone else who seems to have a communication disorder. Do you
honestly tell your parents everything, if even anything? Yeah, yeah, they wouldn’t have
approved of that party this weekend. But isn’t that telling you something? Obviously you’re
doubting your actions by not being open with them. Think through the consequences of your
actions. After all, give the poor people a break. They’ve raised you, seen you at your worst (and
have born the brunt of it), and when you think about it, have done a lot more than you’ve
realized.
Be open with people. Being shy, reserved, or quiet usually won’t get you anywhere. Say
what’s on your mind and let them know what you’re thinking.
So tell Bobby to tell Susy to tell Chrissy to let Linda know that you’ll be telling John
yourself.
---
Fellow ranter: Jessica @ Twisted Turkeys
---
The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--
9-25-00
?What am I regretting lately? I’ve been having these feelings of...nothingness...that have led back
to my depressive poetry and constant ‘downer’ moods. Maybe part of it is that I don’t feel I
deserve the sweet friends I do have, and the ones who seem like they’re fake, I just can’t stand. I
hate being at school and being pushed to the back of my cliques. I feel so blah...like I wanna
sleep for a long time out of pure boredom, or get totally drunk so I can’t remember anything for
awhile, and just let everything pass in a haze...well, everything’s hazy now, but I’m still aware of
it. There’s no real horrible reason for me to be depressed, just a lot of little bad shit. And last
night I may have lost a mad awesome friend b/c of my stupid little crush....remember friends
mean much more than anything romantic ever will. I have no idea what to do about that whole
sitch...I’m a bright girl. I wasn’t expecting anything, I just...I honestly don’t know what I wanted,
but I do know I wasn’t trying to fool myself into thinking we’d ever go out. Life’s so
boring...nothing to look forward to. I’m quitting my job, the highlight of my life the last 6
months...I despise school, I can’t even explain, and my plans never seem to work out. I digress...I
wonder how long this’ll last. Things do and don’t seem so much bigger than they really are...I’m
level headed, I wish I could express this....ugh....frustration...I feel so blah. feel |
|