October 2000

*October 8, 2000*

Well here I am writing once more though I have no idea why. I guess maybe there is too much on my mind lately and I need to dump it somewhere....

I have been busy lately trying to make a new job work and suffering nothing short of problem after problem for my efforts! I am about to embark on my last attempt to make it work but have begun seking employment elsewhere as a back up plan. This series of events has done nothing but add to a minor depression.

The court case was settled , for good, on August 14, 2000. A three year nightmare has ended. The result was not what I could call a victory by any means. My soon-to-be Ex-husband has been convicted and senteced for molesting his daughter. (see August's entry)

Although a part of me is very glad the ordeal is now over, I am left feeling sick at the thought of everything I have now heard. As a witness I was not privvy to all the information my daughter had told the authorities and now after it's conclusion I have been given a chance to hear it through a video taped interview she did at the onset of the trial. No parent should ever have to hear such things.

I am hoping to have more time now to write in here. I know not how it is viewed by others, nor do I much care at this point as I view it a necessary part of my own therapy in life. In that respect, this journal is worth it's weight in gold.

*October 9, 2000*

Dear me, what a long day. The kids were running amuck and some good friends came over to visit. Still, I am left feeling empty.

My Birthday approaches once again and I am left feeling a lack of resolution in my life despite the accomplishments I have had this year. It feels strange to note that lately I have had a "I don't give a sh*t" atitude in regards to almost every aspect of my life. Notice I said almost. For once my love life seems to be the only stable thing I have right now. Not that I am complaining....

I find myself drawn more and more to the darker side of my personality. Expressing it once more has become a necessity for me in order to function normally. Everyone around me has silently noted the changes in my behaviour and yet, they say nothing to me. Perhaps that is because it is normal around this time of year.

With the approach of Xmas and the New Year I often find myself worried more about money and prosperity. I keep promising myself that the next year will be even better and yet, no matter what happens it never seems enough to drive away these empty feelings. I have accomplished three things of the five I had listed for myself to get through before seeing a major change in my life. I almost had four until the problems witht work showed up after only a month. Maybe it's because the last item will take many years to complete that I am finding it difficult to mark my progress. Perhaps it is just the season. Possibly it is the feeling of failure at this new job that causes me to fell remorse over my position in life. Then again, it may be all that and more. ....

 

*October 17, 2000*

A long and exhausting day. What else is new in my world? :)=

It seems I am being blessed with a new computer this Xmas. YES!!!!!

Ahhh, the urge to write with nothing to say. Or perhaps too much of the "same old, same old" to say.

My daughter as of late is backsliding again. Refusing to go to bed, taking things and breaking them or wasting them. It's almost to the point where I must put the motion alarm back on her door at night. She has an incrdible gift of doing things undetected...even right in front of your face. I'm raising the world's best thief...

With all that has happened I can't blame her for resenting the world. I too at times feel like this "life" is nothing but a punishment for some previous crime....Gives new meaning to the phrase "Hell on Earth" doesn't it? I have often wondered.