Title: "Iolaus and Me and Iolaus Makes... Three?"
Author: Artemis Artemis
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All the characters depicted here belong to Studios USA and Renaissance Pictures, not me. Not a single dinar has been exchanged for this story; it's just for fun.
Feedback: Please! Artemis Artemis




Even the trees seemed to cringe as the crisp morning air was shattered by a boisterous and off-tune song.

"Girls girls girls girls! Girls girls girls girls!..."

"Iolaus..."

"Girls girls girls girls girls girls girls girls!"

At seventeen, that was all Iolaus seemed to think about, and Hercules wasn't quite sure why that bothered him so much. For some reason, the mischievous blonde had an uncanny knack for unwittingly driving Hercules crazy with his constant prattle about the opposite sex. And it wasn't just talk: everywhere they went Iolaus somehow managed to find a pretty girl to flirt with, seeking her out as if by some sixth sense.

Not that he ever took it much further than mere flirtation. Iolaus' tactics were... unsubtle to say the least. Hercules smiled to himself as he recalled some of the corny lines his friend had used. Iolaus' advances were typically met with a coy refusal and a seductive look implying that all that was needed was a little more convincing. But he almost never took the bait. He would grin and return to his friends, seeming almost pleased at the rejection.

Of course, there were times when a girl would skip the "hard to get" routine altogether and welcome Iolaus' attentions with obvious pleasure. When this happened he would wink, flash her that million dinar smile of his and delicately extricate himself from the conversation like the master thief he was.

As he pondered his friend's behavior, Hercules' countenance gradually shifted from one of bemusement to consternation. Why did he always get so jealous of Iolaus' attention to those girls? Hercules just wished Iolaus would retire from the flirtation racket. If he could just stop doing that, it would make everyone's life a whole lot easier.

"Iolaus..."

"...Girls girls girls girls girls girls girls girls!"

'Actually', Hercules thought, 'right now I'd be satisfied if he'd just stop singing that stupid song. '

"IOLAUS!"

The blonde stopped singing and smirked at his friend. "Problem, Herc?"

"Well, maybe. If you don't stop singing, I'm going to have to kill you and then we won't have any spears left for our hunting trip. Would you classify that as a problem?" Hercules tried to look angry and failed miserably.

"OK, OK, I'll stop. Wouldn't want to discomfort the mighty Son of Zeus," Iolaus said, caving surprisingly easily to his friend's demand, and flashing a mischievous grin once Hercules had turned away.

They walked along in silence for some time, and then it started. Barely audible at first, the noise gradually grew until it was faint, but unquestionable. The tree right next to them was singing.

"Girls girls girls girls..."

"Iolaus!"

"What? It wasn't me! It was the tree! I swear!" Oddly, the song had stopped again.

Hercules glared down at his friend who returned his gaze with a look of innocent incredulity.

"Besides, Herc, Iolaus can't even throw his voice," said a turtle at the side of the path.

Momentarily taken aback, Hercules looked at the turtle with confusion and then back at his friend. His stern gaze broke as they both burst out laughing. "You're going to get it, short stuff," he said as he tackled his friend, sending them both hurtling into the underbrush.

The turtle looked at them, blinked, and went on its way, indifferent to the part he'd played in Iolaus' little joke.

The boys wrestled for quite a while, exchanging a flip for a flip and a throw for a throw until they both collapsed on the path, panting for breath, exhausted half from the exercise and half from laughing too hard.

"Ow!" Iolaus complained.

"What's the matter?" smirked Hercules from a few feet away, "Did I throw you too hard?"

"Oh Please..." Iolaus rolled his eyes and reached under his back to produce a sharpish looking stone about the size of a grapefruit, "Why is it that I *always* land on rocks when I collapse in exhaustion?"

The boys smiled, helped each other up, and dusted themselves off. Hercules disengaged five or six leaves from Iolaus' hair and Iolaus, barely able to contain his laughter, removed a good sized branch that was sticking out of the waistband at the back of Hercules' leather trousers.

"Ha! This must have happened when you did the backflip into that bush!" Iolaus snickered.

"Yeah, well it was worth it to see the look on your face when I recovered from your 'unstoppable' leg throw"

Iolaus swatted Hercules with the branch, "Enh, I planned it that way... wouldn't want to hurt you and get Zeus all mad at me"

The two friends grinned at each other. "Let's get going," said Hercules, "We have to get *some* hunting in this week, and if the woods around Attica are as good for stag hunting as you claim, we don't want to waste a minute."

Iolaus nodded in agreement and the two boys continued along the path, ribbing each other about alleged one-upsmanship in their little wrestling match. Hercules felt content, his earlier confusion about Iolaus for the moment forgotten.

* * *

The lighthearted companions arrived in Attica just before sundown. Their plan was to stay the night there, occupy the next morning checking out the sights of the city, and then spend the rest of the week camping in the woods, hunting and fishing and just generally making the most of their break from the Academy.

"Ah... there's nothing like spring break for a road trip," said Iolaus as they passed through the city gates. He beamed and stretched his arms, "Too bad it's only for a week."

"Aw, c'mon, Iolaus, more than a week and there'd be no more stag left to hunt." Hercules elbowed his friend good naturedly.

"On this, my friend, you are right," replied Iolaus matter-of-factly. Then, spotting the inn, he grabbed his friend's arm. "Hey, Herc, you go get us a place at the inn and I'll meet you in the tavern. I have a couple of things I want to pick up at the marketplace and I want to get there before they close up for the day."

"Marketplace? But, Iolaus, you don't have any money! What on earth are you..."

"I have my resources... Come on, just trust me!" Iolaus raised his eyebrows innocently, feigning insult, and nodded, tucking his hair behind his ears. "I'll see you back at the tavern after the sun sets!" He shot Hercules a cheerful grin and bounded off into the crowd towards the marketplace, leaving his friend standing dumbfounded in the square.

* * *

Hercules peered through the shutters of the tavern as the setting sun swathed the skyline in crimson. 'They must be closing down the marketplace by now,' he thought, 'Iolaus should be getting back any minute.' Having completed his assignment of acquiring a room at the inn, Hercules now found himself in the tavern, alone with his thoughts and peering down into a mug of the worst ale he had *ever* tasted. He braced himself and took another gulp, wincing involuntarily. 'Knowing him, he probably picked up some girl in the marketplace, got invited to dinner at her place, and forgot all about me.' He shuddered and downed his ale, the threat of abandonment more painful than the beverage. The demi-god wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and shook his head violently, attempting to clear it. Banging the mug back onto the table, he motioned to the barmaid to bring him another.

Gods! Why did he have to get so upset at the mere *thought* of Iolaus going home with some girl? If the situation were reversed and Hercules was the one with a girl, Iolaus would be happy for him. He'd pat him on the back, elbow him in the rib, and demand all the juicy details in the morning. He wouldn't go drinking himself into a stupor. Speaking of which, a new ale had arrived.

Hercules took a long drink. The ale didn't seem as bad as he'd initially thought. Iolaus, Iolaus, Iolaus. Where was he? Hercules knew he wouldn't *really* abandon him for some girl, but he *was* taking an awfully long time on his mysterious errand. He would definitely have to punish the blonde when he finally arrived. Yes, a punishment was definitely in order, but what kind? What about... a spanking? Yes. Definitely a spanking. A spanking would definitely be a good idea. It was probably the best idea he'd ever had. Yeah. That was going to be great! Hercules smiled stupidly into his ale, noticed that he'd almost gotten to the bottom of it and motioned for another.

The idea of giving Iolaus a good spanking suddenly struck the young demi-god as extremely funny. He began chortling to himself, becoming suddenly very somber and silent when the barmaid brought him his ale, and then resuming once again the minute her back was turned. Hercules took a giant swig and began swishing the ale around in his mouth. It was really starting to hit him. He felt perfectly giddy. Now where was he? Oh yes! Spanking Iolaus! He was seized by another fit of giggles and people were beginning to stare. He tried to stifle them by laughing into his mug, but that just resulted in sending ale up his nose. He caught his breath and steadied himself, calmly turning all of his attention to his drink. Draining the last few drops from his mug, he motioned for another. 'Gods,' he thought, 'if Iolaus doesn't get back soon, this place is going to run out of ale.'

As he toyed with his empty mug, Hercules was suddenly struck by the hour. It was well after dark and Iolaus had still not returned. The demi-god had gone through... how many ales? Too many. He'd lost track several mugs ago. He decided he had better go look for his friend - if there was trouble to be found, Iolaus would have gotten into it. He had a particular talent for that.

However, just as Hercules had gotten to the bar to pay his tab and cancel his last order, the door to the tavern flew open and in stepped... no, that couldn't be him, could it? It had to be. There was no question. It was the same seventeen year old boy with whom he had parted company just a few hours before, but the transformation was remarkable. He just looked so... so... noble. But there was Iolaus, standing in the doorway wearing a look of demure self-satisfaction and, believe it or not, finery from head to toe.

Iolaus had always dressed in the same outfit. Leather pants. Vest. Curly hair looking pretty much like it did when he woke up in the morning. But now... Hercules gaped at the image of the young man standing before him. He'd known him his whole life and had never, *ever* quite realized just how gorgeous he was.

"Iolaus!" Hercules yelled as the blonde surveyed the populace of the tavern. He was dressed entirely in silk, a crimson tunic draped elegantly across his well muscled chest. His pants and belt were intensely black, and on his left hand he wore a ring with the largest emerald Hercules had ever seen. His golden hair was brushed back and shone in the flickering candlelight of the tavern. And as if all that were not enough, his head was encircled by a simple golden crown. He was absolutely breathtaking.

Hercules was soon snapped out of his dream-like state as Iolaus stepped past the threshold into the tavern and was immediately followed by two drop-dead gorgeous women who fawned over him as if he were a god. At the sight of these scantily clad harlots fondling Iolaus, HIS Iolaus, the demi-god felt his blood boil as he was gripped with jealousy. He soon regained control, however, knowing that making a scene was *not* the solution to this particular problem.

Taking a deep breath, Hercules steeled himself and ambled up to his lifelong friend. "It's about time," he grumbled, trying to sound cheerful but annoyed. Iolaus *was* extremely late, after all.

The blonde just looked at him and raised his eyebrows inquisitively.

'Gods, must you be *so* petulant?' Hercules thought, but held his tongue. Instead, he went for the accusatory approach. "No wonder it took you so long. I'm impressed that even *you* could steal all that stuff in just a couple of hours."

"Please," Iolaus responded with a tone of dismissal. "Why would *I* ever need to resort to stealing?" He swept past the demi-god, leading his two ladies towards a table in the back.

Hercules sighed. So that's how it was going to be? Fine then. Not about to spend the entire evening alone stewing in his jealous imaginings, he realized he was going to have to play along with Iolaus' game. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," he muttered to himself. He had no desire to waste his time hanging out with a couple of trollops, but at least he'd be with Iolaus. Taking a deep breath, he summoned up his manliest of voices. "Hey!" he bellowed commandingly.

Iolaus stopped short and turned to face him, wearing the same inquisitive look he had demonstrated earlier.

Hercules stepped forward. "I hope one of those is for me," he said gesturing to Iolaus' two companions.

"What? You'd like to make a foursome of it? Now *that* has some interesting possibilities." he grinned wickedly and gestured towards the most private table on the premises. "Please. Join us."

Iolaus kept his eyes fixed on Hercules as he strode past him and took his seat at the table. The glint in the young blonde's eye was unmistakable. There was a sudden lull in the noise of the tavern and a few of the patrons rolled their eyes as if to say, "not again..."

From his chair, Hercules watched Iolaus suspiciously. He was acting strangely, even for him, and he'd seen the look in his eyes... if he didn't know better, he'd think it was... desire? And what exactly did he *mean* by "foursome"? And why was Hercules so thrilled at the prospect of Iolaus flirting with *him* for a change? No, it couldn't be. Iolaus was the most girl-crazy boy at the Academy. There must be another explanation.

As if on cue, the barmaid placed a large mug of ale in front of Hercules. Aha. That must be it. He had completely forgotten that he was, in fact, quite drunk. The look Iolaus had given him must have just been a figment of his imagination inspired by alcohol and... something else... Could it be wishful thinking? Well, whatever it was, it wasn't real. He needed to wake up and face reality.

"Wake up!" Hercules snapped out of his thoughts to see Iolaus' face just inches from his own, wearing a smile that was shining more brightly then his golden crown, and smelling very strongly of wine. The demi-god realized that his friend must be somewhat tipsy himself. "Don't space out on me, big guy!"

Hercules blinked and shook his head. "Sorry. I was just... thinking."

"Really? That's great!" quipped the blonde, "And speaking of thinking, I've been thinking too. And what I've been thinking is that we don't really need these girls around, do we? I mean, it's pretty crowded with the four of us at this little table. I can send them away if you like..."

There it was. As with all of the other objects of his flirtation, Iolaus was backing down at an early stage. He didn't *really* have any interest in those girls, that was obvious, but Hercules had still been afraid that this time Iolaus would take flirting one step further, and he didn't know how long he could control his jealousy.

Hercules breathed a sigh of relief that the change in clothes hadn't changed the way Iolaus operated. "Yeah," he said with a smile, "that sounds like a good idea." And then, with the force of one of his father's thunderbolts, it suddenly occurred to the young demi-god that some time alone with Iolaus was *exactly* what he wanted. And not their normal style of alone but something a little more... intimate. But how receptive would his friend be to such a prospect? "Besides," he added, "we could use the privacy so we can... talk..."

"Yes, 'talk'." Iolaus shot him a mischievous grin, then glanced sideways at each of the women that flanked him and jerked his head towards the door. They pouted at him, but he raised his eyebrows and again indicated the exit. This time they took the hint and compliantly departed.

"That's better," said Hercules with a smile, "I can't believe some of the crazy stunts you pull sometimes.... And *where* did you get that outfit? What are you supposed to be, some kind of Lord?"

The blonde drew himself up. "I," he stated officiously, "am Orestes, Crown Prince of Attica." He then relaxed his stance, leaning back casually in his chair. He smiled at Hercules and winked.

Hercules chuckled at his friend. "Ahh... so that's how you got those girls to come with you. Well, it suits you," he said with a smile, and raising his mug to toast, "Here's to it!"

Iolaus drew back as if Hercules had shoved a torch into his face, and looked at him with an appalled stare. "You're not actually *drinking* that swill?!"

"Sure. I've actually put back quite a few... It's really not that bad once you get past the fourth or fifth one."

"Well this just won't do at all. I certainly can not drink this, and if you and I are going to 'talk' then neither can you. Wait here, and I'll find us something better to drink." The compact blonde stood up and turned to leave. Looking back he said, "Now, don't you go running off... uh... what did you say your name was?"

"Oh come on..."

His old friend still looked at him with inquiring eyes.

"Iolaus..."

"Right," the boy responded, "Iolaus. Now, don't you go running off, Iolaus. I'll be back in two shakes of a centaur's tail with something potable." And with that he dashed away.

Hercules laughed out loud. That friend of his had the craziest sense of humor. Still chuckling, he looked back into his drink. "Well, Iolaus might not like it, but it's kind of growing on me." He upended the full mug and drained it. If he was going to make a move on Iolaus, he would need all the courage he could get. When the last drop of ale was gone, he slammed the mug back down and nearly leapt out of his skin when he saw Iolaus standing right in front of him, carrying at least a dozen full wineskins.

"Boy," said Hercules, still reeling from his most recent chug, "when you say you'll be back quick, you're not kidding!"

"Enough with the sarcasm, will ya?" Iolaus let his burden fall to the floor with a thud and plopped down into the chair across from Hercules. "I'm sorry I'm so late, but my little side trip took a little longer than expected." He tossed Hercules one of the wineskins and opened one up for himself.

"What? But... your clothes..." Hercules noticed that Iolaus was back in his traditional vest and pants. "How..."

"See?" said Iolaus, "Now this is *exactly* why I went to get us wine. I've heard about this tavern... they've got the worst ale in all of Greece! You've been drinking it, and look what it's done to you. You're babbling like an idiot!"

"No... I saw you before... I..."

"Listen, Herc, I'm telling you you're plastered. I can tell by the look in your eyes. Just be a man and admit it. I know you don't usually drink much. There's no shame in being utterly intoxicated... drunk... blotto... annihilated beyond recognition..." The young man stifled a snicker.

"But... where did you go? Where did you get this stuff?"

"Well," said Iolaus, leaning forward onto the table and looking around furtively, "I know you don't like me to steal things, but I did want to get some wine for us to drink so we wouldn't have to put up with the dishwater they try to pass for ale here, so I thought I'd go to the marketplace and grab a wineskin or two, just to tide us over for the evening. Well, I get there and there's no wine to be found... I mean, *nowhere*. But now I've got my heart set on wine, so I just *have* to get some. And then, I'm struck by a brilliant thought: the Palace! Of course, the palace is going to have *tons* of wine, so much that they'll never miss it, so of course I head over there. It was amazing! I managed to slip past about sixteen guards on my way to the wine cellar. So, I grabbed two wineskins and thought I was home-free, when suddenly I run smack into three of the biggest meanest looking guards you've ever seen - way uglier than those wimps Jason has at *his* palace. Anyway, I thought that for sure I was dead, but they looked as scared as I was. I figure they snuck down there with the same intent as I did, and were even more surprised at having been caught. Anyway, they looked at me and I looked at them and we just kind of sat there looking at each other. Finally, one of them said, 'Would you like some wine?' so I said, 'Yes. Yes I would' and they said 'How much would you like' and I said 'How much can I have' and they said 'As much as you want'. So I thought, well if they're going to be like that, I might as well stock us for wine for the whole hunting trip. So I said, 'Well twelve ought to do me' and they said 'TWELVE?!' and I kicked myself, thinking I had gone overboard, but they said 'Here ya go' and handed me the wineskins... just *handed* them to me! And they said, 'so where are you taking these?' and I said, 'oh, you know, into town... off to meet a friend' and they looked at each other and smiled kinda funny-like and said, 'You're going to have one fantastic evening', and I said, 'Don't I know it' and they laughed and said 'We'll walk you out' and they walked me out. Right through the palace in front of the other guards and everybody and I walked out the *front door* of the palace with these dozen wineskins and nobody stopped me. The *front door* can you believe it? I... Herc?... Herc?!..."

Hercules had attempted to keep up with Iolaus' story but he was way too drunk and his friend was talking way too fast. He figured he'd just have Iolaus retell the story tomorrow... it might even keep him from singing that confounded song of his for a little while. Now Iolaus was just staring at him. "You awake there, big guy?"

"Yeah, yeah..." Hercules mumbled groggily, "Listen, Iolaus, there's something I want to ask you..."

Iolaus interrupted, "Wait a sec, Herc, there are some shady characters over there eyeing our wineskins. I want to take the rest of these up to our room for safe keeping. You got the key?"

"Key? I..."

"Oh Herc, don't tell me after all this you forgot to get us a room!"

"Room? Oh yeah... yeah..." Hercules fumbled with his vest and produced the key, tossing it onto the table.

"Great" said Iolaus as he hoisted up the ten unopened wineskins. "You wait here and I'll be right back."

"Right." Hercules mumbled as he rested his head on the table.

Moments later, that same head felt an insistent tapping. He looked up to see Iolaus, now visibly drunk, grinning down at him. His crown was crooked and his tunic was twisted and his hair was significantly more tousled than it had been earlier in the evening. He was also carrying an armload full of wineskins.

"But I thought..."

"Ssssorrry," Iolaus slurred, "but I had to drink a couple of these to make sure they were good enough. I wouldn't want my new friend Iolaus to drink un-hic-satisfactory wine." He bent over and dropped the wineskins next to the table, in the process losing his crown. "I'll be right back," he said with a wink and crawled under the table to retrieve it.

Hercules took another swig from his wineskin and blinked. He looked up to see Iolaus, once again vest clad, with his ten wineskins. "Forgot the key," he said with a smile, sounding remarkably lucid. Picking up the key, he retreated, but since anything further away than three or four feet was a complete blur, the drunken demi-god couldn't even tell which direction he'd gone off in.

Hercules was distracted from the blur that, moments ago, had been his best friend by a noise coming from under the table. He stood up to peer across at Iolaus' chair, straining to see under the table, when who's smiling face should pop up, but Iolaus', grinning from ear to ear.

"Found it!" he said, waving the crown over his head and replacing it at an even more absurd tilt than before.

Hercules jumped in surprise. "You! But you're..."

"Unbelievabubly handsome? Yeaaahhh, I know... yooooo're not bad yourshelf, ya know." Iolaus was looking less and less lordly, despite the fancy clothes. He smiled stupidly, swaying back and forth and gazing admiringly at Hercules.

The demi-god had never been so confused in his entire life. He was never, ever going to drink again. Iolaus was going to have to drink those ten wineskins by himself. And for that matter Iolaus was going to have to finish off the five he had deposited at their table as well. He couldn't *possibly* have thought they would drink all of that in one night, could he?

Hercules looked back at his friend, who had begun to hum softly to himself, smiling absently and reaching across the table to play with the demi-god's hair. Iolaus walked his fingers over to the larger boy and grabbed his hand, pulling it towards him. The hunter smiled seductively and started tracing squiggly lines up and down Hercules' arm with his finger, traveling from inner elbow to wrist and back again. At least this was encouraging, Hercules noted. Iolaus could hardly object too strenuously to Hercules being in love with him if he was going to go around fondling his forearms uninvited.

Wait a minute. Love? Had he just said, "love"? He had, hadn't he? But was it really love and not just some carnal something or other induced by a sexy new outfit and an excess of ale? Yeah... Hercules supposed it *was* love. Funny he'd never noticed that before. Suddenly, his awareness sharpened as if emerging from a long-lasting sleep, he felt not only certain of his love for Iolaus, but overwhelmingly compelled to inform him of it.

Well, this was it... Hercules was going to have to do it sooner or later, and now was as good a time as any. "Iolaus..."

Smiling absently, his best friend looked up at him. "Yeah, yeah, yerrrr name izsh Iolush, I know. I..."

Wow. Hercules hadn't quite realized exactly *how* drunk his friend actually was. Ah well, it was probably all for the best. If he got rejected, neither of them would remember it in the morning. Hercules took one last swig of wine, summoned up all his courage and said, "I love you"

The blonde looked at him for a moment and then burst out laughing. This was *not* the reaction he had hoped for. Gradually, the laughter died down. "That'sh a good onne."

"No, no - I'm being perfectly serious!" Hercules protested. He was beginning to get frustrated and it was helping to wear off the wine somewhat. "I really do love you! I've loved you since the moment we met!"

Iolaus was finally starting to get the point, but still looked confused, "Buuuut zat wazsh onnly..." Unable to complete his sentence, he gestured vaguely in the direction of the door and took a large drink of wine.

"Just listen to me, Iolaus, I really think we were destined to be together. We're soulmates." Woah. Maybe he was overdoing it. He took another swig from the wineskin.

Iolaus blinked at him in surprise, somehow managing to look flattered, taken aback, and utterly trashed all at the same time. He spent several moments finishing off his wineskin and looking contemplative. Finally, he spoke. "Wellll, I shtill think yoooo're being a leeettle hashty about thinnnngssss, but I sh-hic-should be abuble to arrrrangshe for yoooo to live attmy palash..." he leaned in closer and winked. "I'vuve allllready got lotsh of girlzzsssh zere.." Looking down at his empty wineskin, he threw his head back and wrung it over his open mouth, attempting to capture any drops that may have gotten inadvertently absorbed into the walls of the container.

Hercules chuckled at his friend's obvious inebriation, unaware that his own wineskin had fallen on its side and was now spilling all over his shirt and pants. With a great deal of concentration, he managed to more or less focus on the pile of wineskins on the floor, but as he leaned over to grab one of them, both he and his chair went toppling to the ground. Smooth. Real smooth. Maybe no one saw. From the table above him, he could hear Iolaus, still prattling on about the girls at his palace. Gods, how could one boy produce such an endless stream of lies? Or maybe they weren't *exactly* lies... maybe he had decided to retell his wineskin adventure at the palace, but was taking poetic license and adding girls. Well, whatever it was, Hercules wasn't getting it, so he'd have to tell the story yet again tomorrow.

Hercules smiled, but found that he couldn't grin quite as widely as he usually did. Why was that? He opened his eyes and found the answer: he was still lying on the floor of the tavern, face pressed against the disturbingly sticky wooden floorboards. But luckily the wineskins were right in front of him.

The young demi-god got up shakily and brushed himself off. He wasn't about to let *that* happen again. He decided to grab two wineskins so he wouldn't have to go back. Then, glancing over at the table, he noticed that the wineskin he had been drinking from lay empty, dripping the meager remnants of its contents onto the floor. Better make that three wineskins. He collected them and unsteadily returned to his seat, which Iolaus was still talking towards as if he'd been there all along.

"... Of coursshe yooo wouldn't havuve to ssshare the ch-chamber that the girlzssh shtay innnn. Yooooo woulllldn't likuke itt mush. All pinnnk and flowerzsh and shummm kinnd of... I-yi dunno... cloththth or shummthing. They'd'd probubably puttchyoo in a dresssh..." Iolaus broke down in a fit of laughter.

Hercules shook his head at his hysterical friend. The thought of him in a dress couldn't be *that* funny, could it? Maybe it could. Iolaus was still laughing, pounding his fist on the table with tears streaming from his eyes. He was still "wearing" his crown, but just barely: it hung tenuously from his right ear. As nice as the new outfit was, Hercules found himself wishing his friend was back in his usual ensemble. It was just so much more... Iolaus. Short, scruffy, scrappy, conniving, clueless, corny... *that* was his friend to a tee. This whole nobility racket just didn't fly.

"So let'ssh -hic- makuke thissh happennnn," Iolaus continued once he recovered from his laughing fit. "I jusht neeed to clearrer it with -hic- Hector, he'zsh kinnda in charzshge of the palash, but 'fhe OK's's itt, you're're inn!"

Hercules was getting impatient. He wanted the regular Iolaus not the new fancy Iolaus. He finished off yet another wineskin and threw it to the floor, immediately opening a new one. He wasn't quite as drunk as his friend, but he was determined to get there. "C-Cut the prince act, -hic- Iolush, it's gettin' old. Iff I wanted a prince I'd go for Jason."

"Jashon of Coruninth? Ha!" the blonde fell into another fit of hysterics.

Hercules took another big gulp. "I'm s-serious, Iolush, fun'z funn, but start acting norimul." He tried to look serious, but succeeded only in crossing his eyes.

"Whu-why d'yoooo keepup calllling me zhzat? *I'm* Iolush... I-yi meannn, I meannn *you're're* Iolush. Godszsh, how -hic- drunk arrre yooo?"

Hercules pondered this question for a moment before responding, "Twelve."

There was a momentary pause before they both collapsed into yet another laughing fit.

"Ha! You'rure a winnnnner, bigiguguy," grinned Iolaus, wiping his eyes, "Shhheriushly, zthough, waitait here an' I'll go clearerur it with Hec-hic-tor. Yoooo'll bubeee livin'at thuh palash innnno time! The blonde, wobbling noticeably, rose from his chair, knocking it over in the process.

"But... But..." Hercules stammered.

"Donnn' worry, Iolush," said Iolaus, "I'll takcare ofvfv evryshinng." He winked and staggered off, bouncing off the table, a pillar, the bar, the doorway and the doorway again before managing to exit the tavern.

Hercules took a drink from one of the wineskins and suddenly wondered why his eyes were closed. It took him several moments to deduce that they were, in fact, open, but someone was covering them with their hands.

"Guess who!" Iolaus tilted Hercules' head back and grinned at him. He was back in his vest and trousers.

"You.. you changzshed... forr me?"

"No, Herc, it's called a bath. You should try it sometime."

"But..."

"And just why didn't you tell me that I was still covered with leaves and dirt? I was walking all over Attica like that and had no idea until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I got to the room. You trying to make me look bad, or something?" Iolaus gave his buddy a friendly punch in the shoulder as he ambled over to his chair. He picked up the chair, turned it around backwards, and leapt on top of it before gently dropping into the seat. Hercules wondered how his friend could be so agile after so much wine.

Iolaus, resting his arms and chin on the back of the chair, smirked at his friend. Glancing down at the floor that surrounded the table, he noticed at least five empty wineskins. "You know, I've never seen you quite this drunk before, Herc."

Hercules smiled and pointed a couple of feet to Iolaus' left. "You 'member my namme! That'sh good!"

Shaking his head, Iolaus rose and approached his friend. Hercules' right arm hung limply from his shoulder as if it had been dislocated, while the left still clutched needily at the wineskin, cradling it like a child. The blonde hoisted his companion up over his shoulder, suddenly quite grateful for his own sobriety.

"That's it, buddy," Iolaus said with a protective smile, "We're goin' to bed."

"YESH!" Hercules shouted. "'s'bout time!" He attempted to do a little dance, making it even more difficult for Iolaus to carry him.

* * *

After several arduous minutes, they finally arrived at the room. The stairs had been by far the worst part. Hercules was a big boy and Iolaus was strong, but he was no demi-god. He couldn't quite manage getting up the stairway with Hercules flung over his shoulder, so he had to cajole his drunken friend into crawling. On the fourth attempt, the young demi-god managed to make it all the way to the top of the steps without rolling back down, but then insisted on clinging to the banister in the hallway, declaring that it was his new friend, and refusing to leave it. Ever. Iolaus tried pleading, bribery, trickery and physical force but to no avail. Hercules would not budge. Starting to get frustrated, the blonde went for the frank approach, "Come on, Hercules, get moving. It's late and I just want to go to bed."

"Bed?" Hercules leapt up, liberating the banister, and looked swarthily at his friend, "Why dinchyoo say sho? 'sbout time..." He took a quick step in the direction of their room and, his foot missing the ground entirely, face planted directly into the floor.

Iolaus tried very hard not to laugh. Herc was going to feel that one in the morning. It was a lucky break, though, because he'd be a whole lot easier to carry now that he wasn't trying to dance. Once again, the blonde hoisted his friend over his shoulder and headed off towards their room.

Iolaus thankfully deposited Hercules in a heap on the bed, wiping the moisture from his brow. The demi-god was starting to regain consciousness and he gesticulated slowly and nonsensically. He cracked his eyes and looked around blearily, waiting for the room to come into focus. It didn't.

"Herc..." Iolaus was looking down at his friend with an expression of bemusement, mixed in with a little concern.

"Wha...?" Hercules peered in the direction of the voice, "Oh.. itshyoo!"

"The one and only!"

"yerrrr my frennnnd..."

"You got it, Herc, now let's get these boots of yours off..." With some effort, Iolaus managed to remove one of the tall leather boots.

"Wait, wait!" Hercules protested, "C'mere... I have a
shhh-hic-shecret"

Iolaus left off unlacing the second boot and looked inquisitively at Hercules.

"C-Come closerrr..."

Iolaus moved his face closer to his friend's.

"Closerrrr..."

"Herc, you can tell me. There's nobody else here..."

"Closerrrrrrr!!!"

"OK, OK!" Iolaus moved in so their noses were just touching. "Is this close enough for ya? So tell me already!"

"I..." Hercules stifled a few snickers and then shouted, "I LOVE YOU, BUDDY!"

Iolaus jumped back at the sound. Gods, half of Attica must have heard that. He rubbed his ears and grinned at his friend. "I know you do, big guy."

"Norilly... I loveyoo I rilly loveyoo I..."

"I know, Herc, it's OK. I get it." The blonde returned his attention to boot laces and finally removed Hercules' second boot. "Let's tuck you in now, OK?" He turned back the covers on the side of the bed that his friend was not sprawling around on and then gently rolled him in that direction. Hercules snuggled into the pillow as Iolaus drew the covers up over him.

"...rilly rilly rilly rilly rilly rilly..."

The words faded into silence as the demi-god finally drifted into unconsciousness.

Iolaus looked down at his slumbering friend and chuckled to himself. Who would have thought that Hercules, Son of Zeus, would be a sloppy, mushy, lovey-dovey drunk? He went around and sat on his own side of the bed, which had been severely tousled by his companion. He removed his boots and climbed in himself, eager to sleep through the night, or at least what was left of it. As he blew out the candle next to the bed he caught sight of the enormous pile of wineskins in the corner and rolled his eyes. 'This is going to be one long week,' he thought.

* * *

To say "excruciating" would be an understatement. Never in his life had Hercules experienced so much pain. He felt like someone was trying to pry his eyes out with a couple of spoons. He was never going to drink that much again ever. Never ever. Ugh.

Hercules sat up and rubbed his throbbing head. He opened his eyes. Bad idea. Gods, it was bright out. Was there nothing other than windows in that room? Room. Bed. Uh oh. Against his better judgment, Hercules once again attempted to open his eyes. Glancing over at Iolaus' side of the bed he saw that it had been slept in, but his friend was nowhere to be seen... well, he wasn't on the bed at least; Hercules couldn't bring himself to look any farther away than that. His head hurt too badly.

Still staring at the place where Iolaus had slept, Hercules began frantically trying to piece together the events of the previous night. They always slept in the same bed when they stayed at inns, but had last night been... somehow... different? Had he...? Had they...?! Had Iolaus enjoyed it? Had *he* enjoyed it? Gods, what a mess!

Hercules shook himself. OK, this was stupid. There was no way he was going to be able to remember what had happened. He'd just have to figure it out from Iolaus' behavior. Hopefully he, at least, had some memory left intact.

"Ow!" The pain in the demi-god's head was suddenly amplified by a horrible sound. What in Tartarus was it? Why wouldn't it stop? Hercules risked death by raising his eyes to investigate the room and found the source of his agony just stepping in the door. It was Iolaus. He was whistling. Hercules wailed in misery.

Iolaus stopped whistling when he heard the noise and looked over at Hercules, smiling brightly. "Good Morning, Sunshine!" he chirped.

Shuddering, Hercules mumbled, "What's so good about it?" Iolaus was suspiciously cheerful. He was *not* typically a morning person. Was this a sign?

Iolaus received his friend's grouchiness with equanimity. "Here," he said, proffering a mug full of an unusually viscous yellowy substance, "drink this."

Hercules eyed the concoction suspiciously. "What is it?"

"It's my own secret recipe. Cures hangovers. C'mon, just try it! You'll thank me later."

"Oh yeah? Is that how you got rid of *your* hangover so easily?"

"Hangover? Are you kidding, Herc? I barely had anything to drink last night."

"Yeah right. I saw you. You were trashed..."

"No, I swear, Hercules, I had a swig of wine when I first got to the tavern and nothing after that. Believe me, if I had been drunk, there is no way I would have been able to haul your sloshed semi-divine sorry self up to this room. I was stone cold sober."

"But, I remember... You could barely talk... And when your crown fell off, you went crawling under the table to get it and..."

"Crown? Ha!" Iolaus laughed at such an absurd concept. "Think about it, Herc, if I was in a crown you *know* it was just some crazy dream. So what happened in the dream? Was I the king and you my servant boy? That's rich! Why don't *I* ever have that dream? Oh wait, I do." He chuckled loudly, much to the chagrin of his ailing friend. "Oops," he whispered at the sight of his friend wincing in pain, "Sorry. Listen, I'm telling you: just polish off that mug and I promise you'll feel a lot better."

Hercules sighed and downed the strange beverage. It was foul. He grimaced and was about to complain when suddenly the room stopped spinning. The stuff was actually working. He still didn't feel great, but he now believed that he might conceivably one day actually be able to stand up again.

"All better?"

"Gettin' there."

"Well get there quick. It's after midday already and we've got ourselves some hunting to do! We're going to have to skip the tour of Attica, I'm afraid."

"Gods, that's fine with me. I'd like to put as much distance between me and the tavern as possible." Hercules grunted and with effort managed to stand up on unsteady legs.

* * *

By the time they got out of the inn, Iolaus' miracle beverage had kicked in to full effect. Hercules could walk and keep his eyes open, which was much more than he had expected to be able to do. His vision was still a little blurry and his mind a whole lot fuzzy, but at least they were gradually getting better.

The companions were both silent as they walked through the town, lost in their own thoughts. Hercules was still more than a little confused about the events of the previous night. He remembered Iolaus and his new outfit and... or was that the part from his dream? It must have been a dream, but his memories of it just seemed so real.

Of course the big question was, had anything gone on between Hercules and Iolaus? No. If his friend really *had* been sober the entire evening then he knew that nothing could have possibly happened between them. Even if Iolaus were interested, he would never take advantage of him in a drunken state. That was a good thing, at least. When and if he and Iolaus ever *did* get together, he wanted it to be special. That was the one thing that Hercules was *not* confused about: his feelings for Iolaus. They were not a dream or alcohol-induced. They were real and, eventually, he would have to confess them to his friend. But not right now... he'd save *that* discussion for another day.

With a warm smile, Hercules looked down at the boy walking beside him and noticed that he wasn't there. Confused, he turned around to see Iolaus standing still about fifteen paces back and scratching his head.

"What's the matter?" asked Hercules, returning to the spot where Iolaus had stopped.

"Not sure. I feel like I've forgotten something, but I can't quite put my finger on it. What could it be?" The blonde furrowed his brow in thought.

"Iolaus, you *always* think you've forgotten something. This happens every time we stay at an inn."

"I know, I know. But I'm positive this time! Argh! What in Tartarus is it?"

"I don't know, but after last night, I..."

"Last night! That's it!" Iolaus smacked himself in the forehead. "I left all those wineskins back at the inn... Herc, I gotta go back for 'em."

Just the mention of wine made Hercules' stomach churn. "Ugh. Please just leave them, Iolaus, I never want to see wine again..."

"Oh, you're just saying that. Once that hangover's gone, you'll be begging me for some of that wine. Look, just wait here and I'll run back and get them. It will just take a second."

Iolaus dashed away before Hercules could protest. As the blonde rounded a corner and passed out of view, Hercules felt a tap on his shoulder. He whirled around and saw Iolaus wearing a fancy outfit and an irritated expression.

"Well, if it isn't Mister Get-Drunk-and-Ditch-Orestes. I can't believe that you walked out on me like that!"

Hercules was too confused to speak. He stammered a couple of syllables, but was unable to string them together into any semblance of speech.

"No excuses, eh? Well it's your loss. We could have had a lot of fun together, you know."

The demi-god nodded dumbly, not quite sure how to respond.

"Humph. Well you were sure a lot more interesting to be around last night. Guess I'm not missing out on much after all. And to think, you told me I was your 'soulmate'. Ha."

Iolaus pushed his crown forward decisively, pointed his nose in the air and turned away from Hercules, walking proudly and officiously away.

"Herc!"

The demi-god made a quick 180 degree turn to see Iolaus running towards him, wineskins in hand. He turned back to see Iolaus walking away, the sun glinting on his golden crown.

"Got 'em" said Iolaus with a smile as he caught up to his friend, waving the wineskins triumphantly and trying to catch his breath.

"But... but..."

"What is it? Did I forget something else?"

"No... There... There's two of you."

The blonde laughed. "I'm not surprised after the amount of wine *you* put away last night. You're lucky there aren't six of me."

"No, I... oh nevermind. One of you is plenty." Hercules put his arm around his best friend as the two boys stepped through the gate to Attica, out into the brilliant afternoon sun. "Shall we away to thehunt?"

But Hercules' question was not met with a response. Iolaus had already started singing.