Innocentius

by The Exile

I wasn't always like this.

I have a lot to answer for, I know. What I've done isn't nice. I didn't mean to- it just spiralled out of control. I got out of my depth and I didn't even realise what was happening to me until it was too late.

Please hear me out.

I'm on the Game Over Screen right now, awaiting deletion or salvation. I don't really care which one happens to me. Okay, maybe I have a vague prejudice in the direction of deletion. I'll need an industrial strength bulk erase machine to purge all of my sins. What was that word my darling Selene used to use all the time and drive me absolutely up the wall? Ah, yes. Purify.

I got the inspiration to write this story from a girl.

Don't worry, Selene. I don't fancy her. She's about a third of my age, crazier than you and looks like a drowned rat except that most rats have more HP than her.

I was asleep in the waiting room when I met her. I had a particularly bad dream, which happens when you turn into a big scary final guardian, and I woke up with a start. My hat was gone. I love my hat. It's big and flamboyant and gets the attention of everyone in the room. I sometimes think the only reason I kept going at my job- apart from Selene- is because I couldn't bear to lose the hat. I was just considering turning back into the Core of Valmar and going to look for it when she ran in.

"Here's your bowl back, mister. I washed it and dried it after I used it. Sorry I took it but they were all out of bowls in the restaurant and..."

I felt a red mist forming inside inside my head. I paused for a few seconds, just for dramatic effect, then I slowly turned my head around and gave her the Look of Valmar.

I expect you've all heard of the Eye of Valmar. The Look of Valmar is ten times as scary. I developed it myself in front of a mirror. It took me ten years to perfect. If you ever saw me during my Valmar ceremony, I used it a lot then to keep people away. That look could stop a rabid Cathedral Knight in mid charge.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAT?" I thundered in my special mad voice. Those of you who've seen me in Valmar mode have probably heard my special mad voice as well. The girl screamed, a look of abject horror on her face. Then she walked up to me and slapped me across the face.

"If you EVER do that again, I'll... I'll fill that big bowl up with water and POUR IT ALL OVER YOUR HEAD!" she yelled. Then, in a shaky voice, "Sorry, but you looked like Xera Inocentius when he turns into a big ugly final boss."

"I am Zera." I replied, correcting her bizarre spelling. Come to think of it, it was probably just a regional dialect. She definitely wasn't from anywhere near St. Heim.

"Are... are you going to set the Cafeteria Knights on me? I'll run away and hide if you do. I know the hiding places on the Game Over Screen."

I sighed theatrically. "Don't panic. I won't turn into anything big and ugly- except myself- and I won't set the Cafeteria... agh, you've got me saying it now..."

"The Cafeteria is gone." she noted solemnly, "What are you going to do now?"

"Be deleted, probably."

"You should eat. I saw the queue for the machine and it's very long." she advised me, "You know, you're not that bad a guy really, for a soul-devouring evil maniac."

"Where did you get that idea?"

"Look at you. You're human. You're not a big ugly final boss. You were only possessed by him. And..." she gave me a steely glare, "You were lying about Granas and Valmar. You're not stupid, you know very well they don't exist. What were you really trying to do, Zera?"

"Why do you want to know?" I said defensively. This girl was older and more intelligent that she looked. She reminded me vaguely of Millennia.

"I'm your biggest fan."

"Tell me the truth." I demanded.

"Why should I? You're not telling me the truth." she turned my hat over idly in her hands, "If you don't tell me, you don't get your bowl back."

"Okay already." I began to tell her my life story. She seemed very concerned about the fact that I suffered from low quality of life towards the end of my career. She patted me on the head and returned my hat to its rightful place.

"Deletion," she told me, "Is an excellent cure for low quality of life. It's a mental stimulant. You're in direct contact with the most powerful force in the Universe for a microsecond's time. I'd better be off now, I'm late for my train. Have fun."

Then I got my pen out and wrote this.

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