"I'm not the Pope!"

"Yes you are."

"I'm not! I'm not! I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not..." I gasped for breath. It was hard work chasing after a madwoman with a sword while dragging a critically injured monk up a hill. Selene decided to show a little mercy at that point and let me catch up.

"Okay, prove it to me."

"You went through the Holy Door. You're wearing the papal robes. You still have a holy white aura. You were speaking in tongues. You had a divine revelation."

"Don't. Ever. Remind. Me. Of. That. Again." I felt an excruciating pain lance through my skull, "I'm... OW... I'm not the Pope."

"Have it your way. Now... perhaps you'd care to tell me what you were doing breaking into the Cathedral." she smiled and unsheathed her sword, "We can talk about it in my office if you like. People find it easier to talk to me in there."

"You wouldn't!"

"Why not? It's not like you're the Pope or anything."

"When you put it so nicely... maybe it's time I took a second character class." I wasn't going to mess with Selene; she was twice my level.

"I knew you'd see it my way in the end."

We continued up the hill. The sun was just rising, a faint orange glow in the sky. I don't know how long I'd been in that cave for. A few minutes later, Selene stopped me again.

"What do you want now... a payrise?" I asked irritably.

"That'd be nice, but it's not what I need to tell you right now." she said, "I... have something to say to you."

"You're worried because you love me and I'm technically your boss?"

"No. I wanted to say that..."

"You're going to accidentally on purpose exchange the papal... er... job application forms with a marriage certificate?"

"No, I was going to say that I'll heal your friend if you want me to, even though he's a wicked heretic. He appears to be dying."

"You? Can heal people?" I stood open-mouthed as I watched her bend down and place her hand gently on Ragnald's chest. A pale blue light appeared and his wounds closed up.

"Of course! I have to keep my Cathedral Knights alive in battle, silly. Now why don't we go up this hill and you can make a nice speech for everyone?"

I wasn't prepared for the crowd waiting for me outside the Cathedral. It looked like everyone in St. Heim had gathered in front of that winged statue, in descending order of rank. Even the Squeak-Baas were there. I whispered to Selene to go around the back and set up some security. i didn't want that crowd getting out of control. Adjusting my robes, I stepped in front of the massive gates of St. Heim Cathedral and bellowed at the top of my voice.

"TURN THE VOLUME UP!!!!!!!!!"

I recieved everyone's attention immediately. The background music suddenly became very loud.

"That's better. Selene couldn't hear it from the back row. Now, let me introduce myself. My name is Zera Innocentius the Third and when this ceremony is over I'll be the new Pope."

"I've never heard of you in my life, and I've been working here for fifty years! Why should we accept some total stranger as Pope?" yelled an aged black-robed canon in the front row. I walked up to him and stared him down with the Look of Valmar. I could see the whites of his eyes.

"Are you saying you want to ignore Granas' wishes, eh?" I asked, "You want to get one of the old boys elected? Is that it? You SWINDLER! I bet you were considering the economic factors of it all as well! Seeing how much money you could make!"

The old man stumbled backwards, guilt written all over his face. I felt my anger rising. I guess I was very rapidly getting into character.

"The next person who I catch swindling people, raising the taxes extortionately, promoting people for the wrong reasons or short-changing me in a shop..." I glared at a vendor of a market stall selling souvenirs, "Will be PURIFIED!"

The Selene impression might have been a bit over the top, but I do hate swindlers. It's one of my pet hates, like the volume being too low and my hat not being on my head. I went straight into the ceremony- the biggest, loudest, most extravagant papal ordination ceremony ever in St. Heim. I used food, banners, flowers, fireworks, a choir of Granas songstresses... everything I could think of. I even got Ragnald to help me make a shaft of holy white light appear from the sky (it's a pretty easy illusion spell) and Selene randomly distributed some drugs so people would have religious experiences. The Cathedral Knights did a battle pageant. I went completely over the top. I love ceremony and it's good for the people's morale. Even the shopkeepers didn't mind me too much- they sold a record number of souvenirs.

Later that night I was in my office, gleefully sacrificing my junk mail to Granas on the holy altar of the paper shredder and wondering where the hell I was supposed to sleep, when someone knocked on my door. It was the elderly canon who tried to shout me down earlier on.

"For Granas' sake tell me the truth." he demanded, "You're one of the Knights, aren't you? That's why I don't recognise you- nobody sees them out of their armour. Why is Selene doing this? If Selene takes over completely... you know what'll happen, don't you? We might as well be worshipping Valmar, for all the good we'll do."

"Is that all you think Selene is? A homicidal maniac?" I asked, carefully stapling a leaflet for a Mirumiruese restaurant to my notice board. I didn't know whether these people would remember to feed me, so I needed to research the local places to eat.

He nodded enthusiastically.

"Selene is also the most devoted person I've ever met. She doesn't care about money or power, or even about the people, she just wants to serve Granas. She really believes that our future is in the hands of Granas. Do you?" I placed a letter from the priest of Liligue on my pile, "In her own way, Selene is innocent. She has to suffer a lot of pain because of her loyalty."

"Where are you from?" he asked me.

"I'm from Granas." I told him, "Now go get me a new printer cartridge."