{Scene opens to a dark alley. Then two men appear in the shadows but their faces can't be made out}
Man 1: The streets! A place my brother and I grew up on. And now we come back to our roots. We come back to a regional promotion. We started our career on the regional circuit, but then we went to the big time.
Man 2: AND the only problem with that is that we became a little soft! We started to lose that killer instinct!
Man 1: That is the reason we are here in the PCW. We are here to beat some people up.
Man 2: The PCW doesn't have a tag title. WEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL that's fine with me. Because we would win them anyway.
Man 1: Soon all in the PCW will learn some discipline from my brother and I. Everyone will soon be PRAYING TO THE LORDS!
Man 2: PCW beware of what is coming your way. WE live on the PAIN of others. TONITE we plan on dining on the PAIN of the Japanese Dragons.
Man 1: DRAGONS! I've never dined on a dragon before!
Man 2: I heard it tastes like CHICKEN!
Man 1: Finger licking good!
Man 2: UnHoly War '96, is now the time for the LORDS to dish out some DISCIPLINE!
Man 1: Japanese Dragons, you wanted competition. WELL welcome to YOUR funeral.
Man 2: ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GET READY TO PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
{they disapear into the darkness}

PCW

HOLY WAR 1996! LIVE from Key Arena, Seattle, WA!

{Two men are seen wearing tuxedoes at a table at ringside. One is small and
nearly bald, while the other is a big man with an unruly, dark beard.}
Eugene Curtis: We are LIVE here at the Key Arena in Seattle, Washington,
before a sell-out crowd of 17,000 people! Welcome to our first supercard
ever: HOLY WAR 1996!
{Crowd erupts with generous applause and cheers}
Eugene: Joining us tonight is Larry "The Chainsaw" Gaines, our own
Northwest Legend!
Larry: Although everyone on this card is a big wussy compared to the people
I had to face, I will say that this event has more glitz, glamour and
excitement than anything I've ever seen in the Northwest. That includes the
card where I beat Ric Flair!
Eugene: The card where you WHAT?
Larry: It was a 7 of hearts. I drew to an inside straight.
Eugene: Oh brother. Well, let's go to the ring, where two members of the
Seattle psychedelic grunge rock group ...Screaming Trees? Who the hell are
they?
Larry: They're quite famous, daddy-O! Of course, no one could make trees
scream like me! I'm the Chainsaw!
Eugene: Well, they're supposed to play the national anthem, and according
to the promotional material we got from their management, I think that's
Van Conner on the left, plugging his bass guitar into the amplifier, and
Gary Lee Conner, the guitarist, on the right. These are big guys!
Larry: They're brothers. And you are right. They approach my boy Gunnar's size.
{A crackling sound is heard through the amp.}
Eugene: The boys seem to be having trouble with their amplifier. They're
trying to talk it out.
Larry: Temper, temper! Gary doesn't look happy at all.
Eugene: Gary just gave Van a big shove! Now he's choking him! A kick to the
breadbasket! Gary shoves Van to the ground! He turns around and grabs his
guitar! He swings it at the prone Van Conner, who rolls out of the way at
the last minute! Van grabs Gary's leg and takes him down! Now he's sitting
on Gary and pummelling him in the face! Here comes security!
Larry: Isn't that Jay Buhner of the Seattle Mariners coming down the aisle?
Eugene: Yes, he's their star right fielder from the 1995 American League
Western Division Champions! But he's supposed to be the guest timekeeper
for the Main Event! As security separates Gary Lee Conner and Van Conner
and escorts them out of here, let's see what Buhner wants, because he's
grabbing for the mike!
Jay Buhner: Hi there everyone! Tonight, I am proud to be part of the PCW
team! And if there's one thing we learned on the Mariners last year, it's
that you do what it takes to help the team! So, since the Screaming Trees
are now unavailable to do so, I will sing the national anthem! First I'm
going to tell a joke or two to warm you up!
Eugene: Oh God! This is worse than having YOU up there, Larry!
Larry: I know...HEY...wait a minute - that was a hidden dig at me!
Eugene: You catch on.
Larry: But I agree. This is sure to be so bad that Joey Cora will start
crying all over again!
Jay Buhner: Okay. Got one for ya. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says,
"Why the long face?"
{Crickets are heard chirping in the background}
Jay Buhner: Okay. Here's another one for ya. Lex Luger walks into a bar.
Bartender--
{Buhner's lips continue to move, but there is no sound.}
Eugene: That's too bad. I wanted to see what he could do with the national
anthem. What a terrible accident.
Larry: {Holding the end of a mike cord that's unplugged} 'Twas no accident.
Eugene: Well, that was... interesting. Now, I am told that they are
skipping the national anthem, and that Owen McDonald has a very startling
announcement!
{Owen comes down to the ring wearing a plaid tuxedo that resembles a TV
test pattern, along with white leather shoes.}
Larry: You know, Owen is committing a major fashion faux pas here. He's
wearing white shoes before Memorial Day.
Eugene: You're big on manners, aren't you Larry? {rolls his eyes} Anyway,
here's Owen with his big announcement.
Owen: This next match is for one fall, and I have a very special
announcement: It is for the Pacific Coast Tag Team Titles!
{Crowd cheers}
Eugene: Wow! I knew there would be tag titles eventually, but I didn't
expect it this soon. Certainly the Japanese Dragons are qualified to hold
such a title...but then, so might those other men we saw at the start of
the show...whoever they are.
Owen: Coming down the aisle, accompanied by their manager, "Duke" David
Jones, at a combined weight of 520 pounds and hailing from Japan, here are
Super White Samurai and Super Blue Ninja! They are the Japanese Dragons!
{Crowd cheers as the Dragons make their way to the ring}
Eugene: The Samurai is a 5-time shaolin kung-fu champion, while the Ninja
isa 9-time tae kwon do champion. What experience they bring to the ring!
And they are quite technically skilled as wrestlers, I hear.
Owen: And their MYSTERY opponents! {The amplifier plays "Dead Souls" by
Nine Inch Nails.} They are the former EMWC tag team champions! Accompanied
to the ring by their manager, Mr. Brian Hackett, at a combined weight of
565 pounds, here are Icepick and Spike, The Lords of Discipline!
{Some of the crowd recognize the Lords and give them hearty applause! Some
recognize them, and therefore, boo them.}
Larry: Good name. When I think of icepicks and spikes, I think about
discipline. The kind of discipline a lot of these punks being brought up
through PCW sorely need! These look like just the men to provide it!
Eugene: They do have impressive credentials. Former EMWC tag champs!
{bell rings}
Eugene: And Icepick will start it off for the Lords of Discipline, while
Super White Samurai will begin for the Japanese Dragons. Samurai making
some martial arts motions, steps towards Icepick. Icepick tries to grab a
leg, but Samurai is too quick and kicks him in the face! Followed by a
chop! He throws Icepick into the rope! Thrust kick to the face! In comes
Spike! A clothesline by Samurai! Both of the Lords roll to the outside and
consult with their manager Brian Hackett.
Larry: Hackett is one of the better managers in wrestling.
Eugene: While they talk, look out! White Ninja slingshotted himself over
the top rope onto Icepick and Spike! But themen caught him! Here comes
Blue Ninja! Dropkick over the top rope! He hits his own partner in the
back, causing Icepick and Spike to fall over with White Samurai on top of
them! Blue Ninja backs up as White Samurai stands. Ninja runs towards
Samurai! Back body drop! Ninja lands on Icepick! But Spike moved! DDT by
Spike on Super Blue Ninja! Spike taps Samurai on the shoulder. Neckbreaker
by Spike on Samurai! Who are the legal men?
Larry: Who cares?
Eugene: Icepick and Samurai, I believe, are the legal men. Spike rolls
Icepick into the ring! Now he rolls Samurai in the ring. Spike tags Icepick
and enters. Icepick holds Samurai in the corner. Spike with a big boot to
the face! Ninja goes to his corner as Spike and Icepick continue to work on
Samurai. Ninja wants in! Referee cuts him off! The Lords choke Samurai with
the tag rope! Referee looks, they drop it. He lectures Ninja again, and
Lords resume choking! Now Spike holds Samurai's legs in the air, while
Icepick, standing on the apron, executes a chokehold-sleeper on Super White
Samurai.
Larry: That's no choke. That's a Greco-Roman sleeper.
Eugene: Is not. Where did you learn that?
Larry: It was in Bobby "The Brain" Heenan's dictionary of wrestling holds.
Eugene: Oh brother. Now Ninja gives up and goes back to his corner. The
Lords continue to maul Samurai! Spike tags Icepick. Now Icepick is in and
Spike holds Samurai in the corner! Icepick runs to the opposite corner and
clotheslines Ninja as he stands there! He turns around and runs to his own
corner! Flying headbutt! OUCH! That came in a little bit low!
Larry: Hey pal, it's DESIGNED to hit people in the bits and pieces. It's
called the 30 Below! It's Icepick's trademark!
Eugene: What a terrible thing to do to a man! The ref comes over and
admonishes Spike, who lets go of the Samurai. Samurai collapses in the
corner. Icepick with several kicks to the head! He bends over and picks up
Samurai by the legs and is swinging him around! It's a giant swing! Around
and around, Samurai is actually trying to use this opportunity to reach for
Ninja and make the tag! But Icepick lets go and Samurai goes flying into
the corner with Spike! Icepick runs and stomps on Samurai! The tag! Here
comes Spike!
Larry: I would NOT want to be Samurai right now. He's getting killed!
Eugene: Brian Hackett is over putting the bad mouth on Blue Ninja! Blue
Ninja isn't even watching the match! Hackett up on the apron! Spike turns
Samurai over into a vicious power slam! Now he lifts Samurai up by the
side! Backbreaker! And he holds Samurai across his knee and tags Icepick,
who climbs to the top!
Larry: This is their finisher. It's called Praying to the Lords!
Eugene: Ooh! Over in the other corner, big slap by Hackett on Blue Ninja!
Duke David Jones is over to help Blue Ninja. In the ring, legdrop across
the neck of Samurai by Icepick! Icepick with the cover...1...2...he picks
up Samurai! He puts Samurai in a backbreaker! He holds him there! He tags
Spike! They want another one!
Larry: Well, if you hurt these jobbers at least there won't be a rematch.
Eugene: No matter how this ends, they are not jobbers! Spike standing there
on top! Here comes...Hackett comes crashing into Icepick as he holds
Samurai! Ninja threw him into Hackett! The ref didn't see it! Icepick
falls! Samurai falls next to the corner! He reaches up, grabs the ropes,
and Spike falls into the ring! Samurai up! Irish whips Spike to the
Dragons' corner, and follows with a spinwheel kick! He tags Super Blue
Ninja! Ninja with a gutwrench power bomb! The cover...1...2...3!
bell rings}
Owen: Your winners...and the FIRST PCW Tag Team Champions...the Japanese
Dragons!
Larry: What a bunch of cheats. Plus they look like power rangers. THESE
guys are our champs?
Eugene: They are, and I don't think they cheat at all. They are trained in
the honor of the martial arts. I also think that the Lords of Discipline
were overconfident. Clearly they could have beaten the Dragons at one
point, but they let this one get away.
{Two men come up to the table.}
Gold John: Give me that mike.
(Gold John snatches microphone).
Gold John: Okay listen as I have only one thing to say. The Violent
Desire is here to win the title and he is kindly giving the rest of you
two options. Give the title over to him right now or the hard way which is
to let him plough through the lot of you. Now Violent Desire prefers
the second option but i am a business man and i want it now.
Violent Desire: Silencer, Circus Strongman, any of you who want a shot
at me are welcome but be warned every single one of you is going to
feel the power of the Violent Desire.
(Gold John throws down the microphone).
Gold John: You`re dismissed.
{They leave.}
Eugene: Who were those rude men?
Larry: The wrestler was the Violent Desire, and he's a handful, or so I've
heard.
Eugene: That's a bizarre hairstyle he has. His head is shaved, except for a
pony tail that comes out the back of his head.
Larry: Au contraire. I contend that he is immaculately coiffed. And Gold
John, his manager, in that gold suit, is decked out in quite the
quintessence of sartorial splendor.
Eugene: Whatever. We have another match now, with two men making their
debuts. Let's go to Owen.
Owen McDonald: This next match is one fall, and features two men making
their PCW debuts! First, accompanied by his manager Lady Luck, coming down
the aisle, weighing 249 pounds, here is Steven Gage!
{audience reaction is mixed}
Eugene: Lady Luck is beautiful. Nice hair, great smile.
Larry: Gage has interesting tights. He has a big dagger running down his
leg. I'd say his hair is due for a 3,000 mile oil change. Look at Lady
Luck! Speaking of car repair, I'd like her to work on MY fuel injection
system!
Eugene: We're right next to the ring, Larry. Gage will be furious if he
hears you.
Owen: And his opponent...from Europe, weighing 245 pounds, here is Tarot!
Larry: Ahhh, the man with the power of the cards!!
Eugene: Well, he does have a deck of cards with him, and is shuffling them
intently with a weird grin on his face as he paces his way down to the
ring. He is taking a long time to get there. Any idea what he can do in the
ring?
Larry: None. I have heard that Gage has contended for several titles around
the world, and is here looking for the PCW belt, just like everyone and
their dog.
Eugene: You're right--the competiton looks to get more and more intense for
that PCW strap! {bell rings} Tarot starts out by pulling out a card and
holding it in Gage's face! Gage doesn't care for that at all and swings! He
misses as Tarot ducks! Tarot grabs Gage around the middle! Northern lights
suplex! Gage up! Tarot up! They circle around each other very intently!
Larry: I can't believe Tarot got him with that so early. Normally you
finish with that move.
Eugene: I would suggest that there is nothing normal about Tarot. As for
Steven Gage and Lady Luck, well...
Larry: You dog, Eugene. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that
one can only imagine what she uses that whip she's holding for.
Eugene: No, I think that YOU can go ahead and imagine all you want, but
keep it to yourself, please! Now Tarot steps right up to Gage! Slap across
the chest! Gage rears back! {crowd gasp} Vicious knife edge chop! And
another! And a third! Locks up with Tarot, Irish whip on Tarot, runs at
Tarot, and buries the knee right in the midsection, keeling Tarot over and
knocking him for a loop! Tarot kicks his legs as he flies, gains his
footing, and scrambles under the rope to the outside! He's standing by Lady
Luck! He pulls a card out of his pocket! It's the LOVE card! Tarot plants a
big smooch right on Lady Luck! Tarot! Turn around! Gage runs across the
ring, slides under the rope, and kicks Tarot into the barricade as Lady
Luck gets out of the way just in time! Gage picks up Tarot in a vertical
suplex, holds him there, and brings him down stomach first on the
barricade!
Larry: I think pain is in the cards for Tarot!
Eugene: Now he lifts Tarot in a gorilla press and throws him back in the
ring! He follows, stands up, and picks up Tarot! He drapes Tarot over the
ropes, face first out in the crowd! He goes bounding off the other ropes,
comes running back, jumps and lands on Tarot's back! OUCH! Lady Luck just
decked Tarot right in the face with her high heel!
Larry: Tarot has five letters...Hogan has five letters. Tarot takes a heel
in the face...so does Hogan. Tarot thinks he's immortal, so does...
Eugene: One thing that's different is that Tarot has talent! Gage tries the
same move again, but Tarot moves! Gage lands straddling the second rope!
Tarot with a knee to the kidneys of Gage! Again! He grabs Gage by the neck
from behind! He's going to either do a reverse DDT, or a reverse
brainbuster! But Lady Luck has Gage's legs and isn't letting it happen!
Plus, Gage is in the ropes, so Tarot will have to break the hold, the ref
tells him.
Larry: Gage has Lady Luck on his side, but Tarot has the cards on his side.
I'd rather have Lady Luck on her back.
Eugene: {laughing} Gage is going to kill you, Larry. But not now. He kicks
Tarot in the stomach! Double arm underhook, into a suplex! And Tarot goes
flying over the rope to the outside again! Gage goes running to the far
rope, comes back, flying body press through the ropes, he hits Tarot AND
Lady Luck! How did she get in the way? WAIT! Look on the video wall replay!
Tarot was using her to block! All three are crumpled in a heap! The referee
begins a ten-count! 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...Gage is up...Tarot
grabs his leg...1...0! {bell rings}
Owen: The referee has ruled this match a draw due to a double count-out!
Eugene: What a great match, but neither one could pull off a win! I'm sure
we will see more of these two soon...
Owen: I have an announcement to make. Steve Gage and Tarot will face off
again in a rematch next week at the Grapplearium!
Eugene: That's great! I'd love to see more of these two! Both are very
athletic and technically sound...and unique, to say the least.
Larry: You know, Tarot and Lady Luck would make a cute couple.
Eugene: I don't think it would happen, Larry, though it's far more likely
than seeing you and Lady Luck together. Of course, you still have your
issue of Rolling Stone with Jennifer Aniston on the cover, don't you?
Larry: I know it well.
Eugene: We know, Larry! Now let's go to Owen McDonald with our third match
of the night!
Owen: And now, this next match will be the first fall in a two out of three
falls Texas Death Match! {Crowd cheers enthusiastically} The rules are
simple: once a man is pinned, he has a ten count to rise to his feet or he
will lose the fall. The falls will be separated by one match each in order
to allow the wrestlers to recover from each fall! And now, here is the
first contender. Coming down the aisle, from Newark, New Jersey, and
weighing an even 240 pounds, here is The Warden!
{Crowd cheers loudly}
Owen: And his opponent! {"Enter Sandman" by Metallica is blasted over the
amps.} He weighs 240 pounds, and hails from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Accompanied by his manager, 187, here is the EWC World Champion! Here is
Silencer!
Eugene: This is one of the most vicious, bloodthirsty men in pro wrestling.
Did you hear about what he, 187, and Bubba Brown did to their former
friend, Dennis Douglas? I bet Douglas would be here today if he could...but
he's in a wheelchair. But Warden is alive and well, and he is one of the
few to actually hold a victory over Silencer.
Larry: Well, donut boy lucked out that time, and I don't see him having a
prayer here. Silencer's probably got the munchies, if the smell of the
locker rooms earlier was any indication, and I look for him to devour the
career of this Warden punk.
{Bell rings}
Eugene: Warden with a running clothesline on Silencer to start things off!
Silencer saw him, but was too busy flipping the bird at Warden and was
caught off guard! Silencer drops the elbow across the sternum of Silencer!
Now he drops the leg! Now a double-stomp to the stomach! Now a kick to the
face! And another! He picks up Silencer! Chokehold! He hooks him up for a
belly-to-belly suplex and it connects! He drops the leg again! And
another...OUCH! Silencer moved hisfist and punched Warden right in the
crotch! Warden connects with the legdrop, but then he is keeled over.
Silencer remains down too!
Larry: Hey, when you're down and out, go for the family jewels.
Eugene: Silencer is crawling over towards Warden. Now he's right in
Warden's face and he's making toking motions and pretending to blow smoke
on him! Now he's putting out an imaginary joint on Warden's face!
Larry: Imaginary joint! You wuss, Silencer! Like it's that hard to get
drugs in Seattle.
Eugene: Warden is angered, and starts to get up--eye gouge by Silencer! Now
a punch to the throat! He puts Warden in an Irish whip and sends him to the
ropes...lariat clothesline! He runs to the side ropes...comes down with a
lightning fast legdrop! Warden to the ropes again...another legdrop! He
picks up Warden, throws him into the ropes, superkick! He drilled Warden
with it, and Warden over the ropes to the outside! Now 187 is complaining
to the referee.
Larry: Everyone can see that Warden is in possession of drugs in his
pocket. You can see that bulge there, can't you?
Eugene: Silencer steps over the ropes and onto the timekeeper's table! Now
he grabs the bell! He jumps onto Warden and hits him with the bell! He
gently puts the bell on the timekeeper's table. The timekeeper isn't saying
anything about it!
Larry: I thought it was odd to have a timekeeper that big, let alone with a
mask.
Eugene: Well, Owen McDonald is coming down to ringside and is telling the
timekeeper to leave and is sitting down in the chair! Anyway, back to the
match...Warden is whipped into the guardrail. Now Silencer turns him
around and kicks him in the stomach! Now Silencer sets him up for a
suplex--no! It's a brainbuster! Now, he sets Warden on top of the
guardrail, back first, goes to the apron! He's setting him up for the Death
From Above! Warden falls over, and Silencer stops! Silencer jumps down from
the apron and walks over to Warden, who is slumped on the audience side of
the guardrail! He slaps Warden on the face! He grabs him, lifts him over
the rail, and rolls him into the ring! The cover...1...2...he kicks out!
Now Silencer climbs to the top, Warden still down. He holds his arms in the
air, and springs off of the top rope with a big belly splash! He hits! The
count...1...2...3!
Owen: Warden now has ten seconds to answer a count. 10...9...8...7...6...5...
Eugene: He's up! Silencer locks up with Warden and whips him to the corner!
He chases him in with a big shoulder to the midsection! He whips Warden to
the opposite corner and does the same thing again. Now Silencer sets up
Warden for a superplex. No, wait! He's running to the opposite turnbuckle.
Silencer comes back diagonally across the ring towards Warden, who is
sitting up there on the turnbuckle, and --HOLY SHIT!-- he does a flying
body press on Warden, knocking Warden back first outside of the ring onto
the concrete! Silencer lands on top of him!
Larry: That was the craziest move I have ever seen!
Eugene: No kidding. They both hit hard. They are both crawling towards the
ring. Silencer gets up, then collapses to the floor again. Warden stops
crawling and is just lying there. Now Silencer is up again. He rolls Warden
into the ring, and gets in himself. He stands and lifts the weight of
Warden into a standing position.
Larry: He could pin Warden right now, I think. But I'd punish him more if I
was Silencer.
Eugene: That's what he's doing. He drags the dead weight of Warden out to
the middle of the ring. He begins to run to the ropes, then bounces off,
steps over Warden--Warden grabs the leg and trips Silencer! Silencer goes
down hard! Now Warden puts his knee on Silencer's back and grabs him under
the chin--It's his version of the Camel Clutch, the Lock-Up! He has it on
good! He's pulling hard! He releases the hold! You must pin your opponent
first before the ten-count can begin! Now, Warden to the top rope! He's
standing up there like a cat! He jumps down and hits Warden right on the
face with a flying head butt! The cover...1...2...3!
Owen: Silencer now must answer the ten-count by standing up in order to continue!
10...9...8...7...6
Larry: He's getting up!
Owen: ...5...4...
Eugene: He's stumbling. He's certainly not standing.
Owen: 3...2...1...0! {bell rings} The winner of the first fall is The Warden!
Eugene: What a surprise! But keep in mind that both of these men have taken
a beating on the outside of the ring.
Larry: Silencer now must win both of the falls in order to win this match!
If that's strategy, it's pretty stupid strategy.
Eugene: We have to go to a break. We'll be right back.
________________________________________________________
Does Silencer win both of the next two falls? Or does Warden hang on to his
lead? Who will the first PCW champion be? Will there be a new FASW
champion? What about the straitjacket match with three maniacs in the ring?
All this coming up! Plus the debuts of T.R. Ela and Superstar Steve
Sampson! Read on to find out what happens! PCW: IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE!
PCW Holy War '96
Part 2 of 3
___________________________
Eugene: We are back! Owen McDonald is at ringside to announce the next
competitors.
Owen: Our next match has two men making their PCW debuts! First, coming
down the aisle, weighing 235 pounds, he is the "Superstar," Steve Sampson!!
{crowd boos. A group of young men with long hair and Sub Pop shirts and
goatees boo viciously and try to throw things at him}
Eugene: I guess his remark about the Alice in Chains cover band really
pissed off some people.
Owen: And his opponent. From Colorado, weighing 305 pounds, here is T. R.
Ela!!
{crowd cheers}
Larry: Another donut-dunking dipstick. This guy actually ARRESTED Silencer
last week at the Grapplearium for drug possession!
Eugene: He says he's here to bring justice to the PCW! He also says that
other feds where he has worked have gone out of business! Well not the PCW!
We've been here for two months almost. This is our seventh weekly card and
we are still going strong! {bell rings} Well, how do you rate these two?
Larry: Ela has a definite size advantage and is very strong. But he seems a
few sandwiches short of a picnic. Sampson is definitely the smarter of the
two.
Eugene: That's not smart! He's trying to brawl with Ela! Ela is having none
of that. Ela hits back! He whips Sampson to the ropes, he comes back,
flying forearm by Ela!
Larry: T. R. Ela is the shortest name I have ever seen. Name one shorter.
Eugene: I...
Larry: Time's up. You owe me fifty bucks.
Eugene: Will you stop with the Heenan-isms? Ela with a clothesline on
Sampson! Ela picks Sampson up, puts him in a headlock. Sampson uses the
headlock to lift Ela into a Northern Lights Suplex! He lifts Ela from the
mat, uses a side suplex setup, grabs the leg of Ela, lifts, and drops him
into a knee breaker! He grabs the leg, spins around, figure four leglock!
Larry: Ouch. That would hurt.
Eugene: Sampson continues to torture the knee of Ela with that figure four,
but Ela is refusing to give up. Ela tries to roll over...No. Now he tries
again...No. He rolls the other way and reverses the hold! Sampson quickly
releases it. He gets up, so does Ela...down goes Ela, as Sampson trips him.
Ela grabs the leg of Sampson and pulls him down. Look at Sampson kick his
legs and pound the mat! He's angry!
Larry: I would be too if I was tripped by this jobber.
Eugene: Ela is no jobber. He puts Sampson in a spinning toehold, he grabs
the chin! STF! He's putting tremendous pressure on the back of the
Superstar! But I don't think he has it locked in...no, he didn't, as
Sampson's leg comes out. Ela stands up, throws Sampson to the ropes, kick
to the midsection! Runs to the ropes, comes up behind...bulldog! The
cover...1...2...Sampson kicks out. Ela picks up Sampson in his torture
rack! The blackout! That's his move...no! Sampson reached around and raked
him in the eyes, and Ela dropped him. Sampson behind Ela...Full Nelson! He
turns it into a Dragon Suplex! Into a bridge! The count...1...2...no! Ela's
weight was too much! Sampson crawls away...he's angry...Ela from
behind...small package! 1...2...reversed!...1...2...Ela kicks out!
Larry: Nice exchange there.
Eugene: Now Sampson whips Ela to the ropes--Sampson flying cross body, but
Ela slides under him. Ela turns around! Runs back at Sampson! Sampson
ducks, goes to the rope, as Ela goes to the opposite rope! They're on a
collision course...Ela picks up Sampson in the Blackout again! He has him
across the shoulders! That's hell on the back area! {bell rings} Sampson
submits!
Owen: Your winner is T. R. Ela!
Larry: Whopee. Rent-a-cop won.
Eugene: We'll see more of both men in the near future. That was a great
matchup. Sampson is very technically sound, but just got too impatient
against Ela tonight.
Larry: You can't hurry things against a big man like Ela. You want to tire
him out gradually and then go for the pin.
Eugene: Speaking of going the distance, it is now time for the second fall
of the Texas Death Match between Silencer and Warden. Let's go to the ring!
Owen: Our next bout is the second fall of a Texas Death Match. Introducing
first, the winner of the first fall. He leads one to nothing in this best
out of three match. Here is the Warden!
{Crowd cheers}
Larry: Let's see donut boy win again.
Owen: And his opponent! {"Enter Sandman" plays} He's accompanied to the
ring by his manager, 187. Here is Silencer!
Larry: {Marvin the Martian voice} Oooh, Silencer looks very very angry.
That Warden has stolen his ribidium pew-36 space modulator! {regular voice}
That's Warner cartoon code for a crack pipe, you know.
Eugene: Larry, you are too much. {Bell rings} And Silencer charges into
Warden! Vicious uppercut! Irish whip to the ropes...flying clothesline! He
whips Warden to the outside, through the ropes! He goes outside with a
flying body press through the ropes! DDT's Warden on the outside! Now he
sets Warden in a folding chair! He sets up another one in front of Warden!
He backs up, takes a run, steps on the first chair, and goes flying into
Warden as he sits on the second one! Now he stands Warden up! Standing
frankensteiner! Gets up again! Irish whips Warden to the barricade!
Silencer comes running at Warden! Warden ducks and Silencer hits that
barricade at full force! Warden from behind! Sleeper on Silencer! Silencer
goes down to one knee! If he goes out, Warden may be able to pin him then
get the ten count, and this will be all over with!
Larry: I have to admit it looks that way. I never would have imagined it.
Eugene: Silencer stands up now, but Warden still has the sleeper on!
Jawbreaker by Silencer! Warden grabs his mouth in pain! Silencer hooks up
Warden for a suplex! He hits it, and Warden lands back first on the
barricade! Oh my God! Warden has to be in severe pain! Now Silencer to the
apron, comes running towards Warden, and hits the somersault legdrop on
him! That's his Death From Above! This is the second match in a row where
he's hit it! He picks up Warden, and slams him face first into the
ringpost! And again! Now he rolls Warden into the ring and follows him. He
picks up Warden, slings him to the ropes, Warden coming back, Warden falls!
Just as Silencer was going to try for a Frankensteiner, Warden fell!
Silencer with the cover...1...2...3!
Owen: As you know, Warden must now answer a ten count in order to continue.
Eugene: 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...Silencer picks him up! Referee
warning Silencer! 187 gets into the argument! Referee distracted! Here
comes that timekeeper from before! He throws a chair into the ring!
Silencer lifts Warden up into a suplex...NO! He drops Warden into a
piledriver!! ON THE CHAIR! He kicks the chair out of the ring! The ref
turns around, Silencer with the cover...1...2...3!
Owen: And now the ten count...
Larry: I love that move! I always have a howling good time watching it. Heh
heh.
Eugene: Whatever that means. 1...2...3...4..5...6...7...8...9...10!
Owen: The winner of the second fall...Silencer! The match is now tied, one
to one!
Eugene: Warden isn't moving. Silencer's piledriver must have made him about
an inch or two shorter. Some security guards are reviving him. Now he has
an arm around each one and is walking back to the dressing room. Warden is
really hurt! I know this is a Texas Death Match, but those tactics were
completely reprehensible!
Larry: This was a Texas Death Match...what did you expect?
Eugene: And it could get worse. There's one more fall. But they seem ready
in the ring. Let's go to the next match.
Owen: The next event is a Triangle Straitjacket/Coal Miner's Glove Match!
The object is to place BOTH of your opponents into straitjackets! There is
one pole in each of the four ringposts. Perched on two of these poles are
two straitjackets! Perched on the other two are Coal Miner's Gloves! Here
is the first competitor. {"Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC comes over
the speakers} Accompanied by Miss L, he is from the Baddlands, standing 7
feet tall and weighing 335 pounds, here is Killer Hulk!!
{Some cheers and some boos...no one quiet. They either love or hate him.}
Larry: I wonder if he brought his back with him. He might have misplaced it
in that Hospital of Pain match last week.
Eugene: I can't believe they showed that. This is supposed to be wrestling,
not Faces of Death.
Owen: The second competitor...he was the first FASW TV champion. Weighing
237 pounds, here is "Maniac" Mike Gorman!!
{Mixed crowd reaction}
Eugene: Gorman is insisting that he is the ORIGINAL Maniac.
Larry: We'll see. I say there's plenty of room for more than one maniac,
that's for sure.
Owen: And the third competitor. {"Wake up Boo," by the Boo Bradleys plays
over the amps.} He's from parts unknown, weighing 237 pounds, and
accompanied to the ring by his manager, Psycho Sarah, here is The Maniac!!
{Crowd is booing him like crazy}
Larry: It really was a pleasure to work with the Maniac last week. He's
quite an articulate, intelligent young man.
Eugene: Oh, yes. He's as brilliant as a Rhodes scholar. {pauses} In case
you couldn't tell, I was being _sarcastic_.
{bell rings}
Eugene: And they're ready to go. Gorman goes straight for a glove! Killer
Hulk goes for a glove! The Maniac must go after one of them! He goes into
Hulk's corner and pulls him off the turnbuckle! They grapple around on the
floor! Meanwhile in the other corner, Gorman has a glove! He jumps down
from the top! He puts the glove on! Hulk and Maniac see him. They join
hands...double clothesline on Gorman! Maniac turns and cold cocks Hulk! Now
Maniac tries to take the glove from Gorman, but Gorman scrambles away to
the outside! Maniac gives chase! Gorman turns and threatens Maniac with the
glove! Killer Hulk from behind on Gorman! Big clothesline! Hulk takes the
glove from Gorman, and puts it on!
Larry: These are very dangerous matches. Usually someone has to go to the
hospital after one of these.
Eugene: Hulk with a big power bomb on Gorman! He turns and KO's Maniac with
the glove! He rolls Gorman into the ring and begins to climb for a
straitjacket.
Larry: He figures if he can get Gorman he can take all day to wrap up the
Maniac. Maniac is out cold!
Eugene: These matches can be very short. All it takes is a good right hook
and it's over. But I've never heard of a Triangle Coal Miner's Glove match.
It sure changes the strategy. Hulk has climbed and gotten one of the
straitjackets. He comes over to Gorman, still down from the power bomb and
tries to hook him up--wait! Psycho Sarah reached under the ring and pulled
out some sort of bottle! She's taking it over to Maniac. She's pouring
something into a towel, and rubbing the towel on his face!
Larry: Look at Hulk struggle with Gorman on the inside. Why doesn't he just
knock Gorman out with the glove?
Eugene: I don't know. He has Gorman partway into the jacket, but Gorman's
fighting it! And on the outside, Maniac is coming to! He crawls around the
outside of the apron until he is behind Hulk and Gorman. He slides into the
ring! Neither man sees him! He's climbing for the other glove! Hulk sees
him now! Maniac grabs the other glove! Hulk from behind, punches him in the
leg! He rears back to punch him again...Gorman, from behind! He grabs
Hulk's arm as he rears back, and he takes the glove away from Hulk! Maniac
and Gorman have gloves! Hulk is caught in the middle! Both swing at Hulk!
Hulk ducks! They hit each other! Gorman is out now and Maniac is out for
the second time!
Larry: I don't think Hulk will leave Maniac alone this time.
Eugene: You're right. He'd better put Maniac in the jacket while he can!
Then he can wrap up Gorman and it will be over. He gets the jacket from the
middle of the ring! It's over Maniac's head! Now one arm is wrapped up! Now
he's inserting the other! Maniac is cold as a mackerel!
Larry: But look at Psycho Sarah. She's giving the smelling salts or
whatever it is to Mike Gorman!
Eugene: You're right! Gorman...wait a minute, Sarah took Gorman's glove
away before reviving him! And he is awake again! Unlike Maniac, who after
two hits from the glove, doesn't look to awaken until the turn of the
century! Gorman goes running for the other straitjacket, as Hulk hooks both
arms into place on Maniac! Gorman has it! He jumps down! Hulk swings and
misses at Gorman! Gorman from behind! He's strangling Killer Hulk with the
straitjacket! Hulk is waving his arms around trying to free himself! He
waves them maniacally...they go limp! Killer Hulk is now out! Gorman
strangled him with the straitjacket! Now Gorman is taking the glove off of
Killer Hulk! He winds up and drills Hulk with it right between the eyes!
And again! He takes it off, tosses it aside! He's wrapping up Killer Hulk
in the second straitjacket! First over the head....now feeds one arm
through a sleeve....now the other arm...he begins to hook the arms to the
jacket with the fasteners. This one is over! Gorman has won!
Larry: I don't think so, Euge. Maniac's arms have become unattached from
the jacket.
Eugene: Gorman doesn't see that! He's finished off Hulk and is waving his
arms in the air! He thinks he has won! The crowd is going nuts! But Maniac
stands, jacket still on! He...wait a minute! That jacket had to be
pre-ripped or something, because he woke up and ripped it down one arm!
He's freed himself! He runs up behind Gorman...backsnapper!
{crowd gasp}
Larry: That's one nasty move. He clips them from behind, lifting the legs
so high that they land on their neck. Then he grabs the legs and leans
back. It's devastating. Snap! Crackle! Pop!
Eugene: He catches a glove! Psycho Sarah threw it to him! He does a
fistdrop on Gorman! Gorman is out! But that jacket! It's ripped! He can't
use that on Gorman!
Larry: It won't count if he does. His opponent needs to be secure in it for
him to win.
Eugene: He's hitting Hulk with the glove! Now he's removing the jacket from
Hulk! He puts it on Gorman! Gorman is in there nice and snug! He goes back
to Hulk! He's wrapping the torn jacket around Hulk's neck! He lifts Hulk
and sets him on a turnbuckle! He's tying the other end of the jacket to the
top of the pole! This is nuts! What is he going to do!
Larry: I think we might need the stretcher here!
{crowd gasp}
Eugene: Oh my god! He used the ripped jacket to put Hulk in a noose, then
kicked him off the turnbuckle he was sitting on! Hulk is hanging there!
He's hanging! Get him down from there! This is sick!
{bell rings several times}
Eugene: Now Maniac pulls down on Hulk's legs, which puts more pressure on
Hulk's neck! Get some security! Get that man some help!
{more bell ringing}
Eugene: This is crazy! Who thought of this match?
Larry: Guilty!
Eugene: Here comes the stretcher. {In faded letters, the stretcher reads,
"Larry's Logging Service. You Fall 'Em, We Haul 'Em."} The guards are
pulling Maniac away. Look at Sarah kick at the guards! She's totally loco!
Now one of the guards has some garden shears and is cutting Hulk down! They
load him onto the stretcher. They're also checking on Mike Gorman. A few
slaps and Gorman is not okay! He's not waking up!
Larry: Maniac really did a number on them!
Eugene: Maniac falls down as he's leaving with Psycho Sarah! He collapses
on the ground! Another security guard comes to get Gorman and carries him
on his back! An aid car is pulling into the aisle entrance, right where
they drive the Zamboni in here! Another guard picks up Maniac! Maniac is
being loaded into the ambulance, and it drives off! Another backs in for
Gorman, and I'm told another for Hulk! All three are going to the hospital
tonight! We'll update you on their condition soon! Still to come: one more
fall of the Warden-Silencer match, and our Holy War Main Event for the FASW
and PCW Titles!
____________________________________________
Turn to part 3 for the thrilling conclusion!
The thrilling conclusion of PCW Holy War 96!! Who will be the first PCW
champion? One of five men. Who will be the FASW World Champ? One of five
men. Read on!
--========================_5285902==_
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OK...here are the events you have all been waiting for...the final fall of
Warden-Silencer, and the Holy War: the PCW and FASW titles are on the line!
:-)
______________________________________
Larry: We're _baaaaaaaaaaaaaack_.
Eugene: They're telling me that the Triangle Match was ruled a no-contest.
Larry: If you ask me, Maniac won, but not really. He took a lot of lumps.
All three could use Uncle Larry's Anasthesia.
Eugene: Don't tell me...
Larry: That's right! None other than the wood grain! Yummers!
Eugene: That stuff is vile.
Larry: It may be vile, but it makes me smile!
Eugene: Let's hear from Owen McDonald.
Owen McDonald: Here is the final fall of our two out of three falls Texas
Death Match. It's tied at one fall apiece. First, coming to the ring with
187, here is Silencer!
{"Enter Sandman" by Metallica plays}
Owen: And his opponent...here is the Warden!
{no one appears}
Eugene: I don't know if he will make it back out here. He was beaten pretty
bad in the last fall. He might not be in a condition to continue.
Owen: And his opponent....the Warden!
Eugene: In fact, I'd advise him to stay away. And it looks like he is doing
just that. I still don't see him. Probably a smart move.
Larry: I want my money back.
Owen: {visibly upset} And his opponent...here is the Waaaaaaaarrrrrdddden!
{no one appears}
Owen: OK, I have been told that the match will begin now. Warden must
answer this ten count, or he will lose this third and deciding fall!
Eugene: The ref counts...10...9...8...7...6...5...there he is! He's walking
down to ringside! He picks it into a jog! He slides into the ring, just
under the corner, just in time! But Silencer had climbed the turnbuckle
above him, and brings down a big heel smash on the back of Warden's neck as
he got in! Warden slides back out and slumps to the floor! Silencer climbs
to the top! He jumps to the outside with another heel smash! Now he picks
up Warden. He drapes Warden over the guardrail, face up! He steps up to the
apron, and comes running off with a flipping legdrop! Death from Above! He
rolls Warden into the ring!
Larry: I don't think Warden was ready for a third fall.
Eugene: Neither do I! The cover, and a three count! And now the ten
count...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10! {bell rings} Silencer wins
the match!
Owen: Your winner of the Texas Death Match...Silencer!
Eugene: Warden certainly gave it a valiant effort. He had no business going
out there for the third fall, but he made it anyway. He really paid for it,
though.
Larry: Well, if he hadn't shown up, I was going to go in the locker room
and get him, and throw him in the ring myself! When I pay for blood I want
blood!
Eugene: Uh...you didn't pay tonight, Larry. You've never paid for any cards
here in the Northwest, because you came as either a wrestler or as a
broadcaster. Plus that notorious stint where you were managing Gunnar a few
years ago. You've NEVER paid to get in.
Larry: Oh, yeah. That.
Eugene: But I guarantee you'd still get your money's worth with this next
match, if you'd paid any! This is going to be a real barn burner! And it
could be a main event anywhere in the World! And I do mean anywhere. Let's
go to Owen McDonald.
Owen: The next match is our MAIN EVENT! It is a HOLY WAR match, and it is
for the FASW World Heavyweight Title AND the PCW Pacific Heavyweight Title!
Four belts hang above the ring. Two are the belts I mentioned, and two are
FOOL's belts with no value whatsoever! Each belt is in a bag--the bags are
each one color-- black, blue, red or green. To win a belt you must open a
bag and take the belt out! But each wrestler can only open one bag. Once
they do, that is their belt, and they're stuck with it. Except for
Hellshock. He may open two bags, because he is defending one belt and has
earned a shot at the other! {pauses} We WILL have decisive winners of both
the FASW and PCW belts tonight!
{Crowd cheers wildly}
Owen: There are four barbed wire crosses with buckled straps on the sides
of the cage. The ring ropes have been taken down. The wrestlers may use the
crosses as they see fit to injure or restrain their opponents. And now...
{does a weak imitation of Michael Buffer} Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!
Larry: Lame.
Owen: First...coming down the aisle, from parts unknown, weighing 297
pounds...here is The Prophet!
{Crowd boos overwhelmingly}
Owen: Second...from parts unknown, weighing 240 pounds, here is the man in
black...Misery!
{Crowd boos with some cheering}
Owen: Third... He recently won the EWA World Title for the third time! He
is a former FASW World Champion as well! From parts unknown, weighing 315
pounds and representing the Royal Family, here is the Dark Destroyer!
{Crowd cheers out of respect but some boos}
Owen: Fourth...from East of the Misty Mountains, weighing in at an even 300
pounds, here is the mysterious Witch King!
{Crowd boos, but some Cure fans in the fifth row cheer for him}
Owen: And finally...he is the FASW World Heavyweight Champion! Hailing from
Los Angeles, California, and weighing 243 pounds, here is Hellshock!
{Crowd cheers, except for some people, who chant GRIZZLY! GRIZZLY! GRIZZLY!}
Larry: That's my boy!
Eugene: All of them are in the ring, ready to go. Prophet pushes Hellshock
into the Witch King, Witch King punches Hellshock, and we are underway!
{bell rings}
Larry: This is going to be great!
Eugene: They're all kind of massed together punching and wailing at each
other. Dark Destroyer pulls Hellshock out of the crowd and begins to punch
him hard! He picks up Hellshock! Bodyslam! He picks him up again! Irish
whip to the wall! Hellshock reverses it! Dark Destroyer goes flying into a
barbed wire cross!
Larry: This is some perverse form of communion. I know Jesus is in there
somewhere, because they'll ALL be giving their bodies and their blood for
the sake of the idiot fans. One of them MUST be Jesus! And I know which
one!
Eugene: That's sacreligious! How dare you! Dark Destroyer is bleeding as he
stumbles away from the wall and is hit with a Hellshock clothesline!
Meanwhile, Misery and the Prophet are dueling. Prophet runs to a corner,
comes back spinning like crazy, and hits Misery with a tornado punch! He
lifts Misery and bodyslams him to the ground! He turns and bodyslams the
Witch King! He turns, and is gouged in the eye by Misery! Misery whips
Prophet to the wall! Hellshock is in the way! Hellshock is knocked into one
of the crosses, face first! Now Misery follows with a flying body press on
Hellshock, but Hellshock ducks and Misery hits the cross!
Larry: Look at all that blood. It's a good thing that Super Scott isn't in
there.
Eugene: Misery, Hellshock, and Dark Destroyer are all bleeding, and I can't
tell, but Witch King may be too! I don't know whose blood that is! Now
Hellshock puts his hand on Misery's skull from behind! It's the Hellfire!
And he's using it to rub Misery's masked face on the barbed wire cross!
Misery is in extreme pain! Hellshock keeps the hold on! There is no
submission in this match! And Hellshock is kicked in the back by the Witch
King and is forced to release the hold. Misery drops to the mat hard.
Larry: You mentioned that four of them are bleeding. Well, Prophet isn't.
He sure does a lot of bleeding for a savior.
Eugene: Prophet is clocked from behind by Hellshock just as he was
lecturing the Witch King! Now the Witch King holds him around the knees
right against the wall, and here comes Hellshock with a flying dropkick,
knocking Prophet's face right into the barbed wire! Now, he lifts Prophet
into a belly-to-back suplex, but Witch King trips Hellshock and so Prophet
adjusts and lands on top of him!
Larry: Look at Misery--
Eugene: WHAM! Misery just splashed Hellshock and Prophet from about halfway
up the side of the cage! He landed on them both! Dark Destroyer is at work
on the Witch King. He picks up Witch by the neck and chokeslams him on top
of Misery, Hellshock and Prophet! Now he picks up Witch King! Flatliner
DDT! He picks up Misery! Another Flatliner! Both are down! He picks up
Prophet! Prophet reverses the Flatliner, and puts Dark Destroyer in a back
body drop! Dark D lands on Hellshock! Now Prophet is climbing one of the
corners! He's halfway up! Here coems Hellshock! Prophet hangs on tight to
the cage wall, as Hellshock tries to pry him off. Hellshock grabs a buckle,
and he buckles Prophet's leg to a cross! Those are buckles intended for
arms, but Prophet is high enough up the wall that Hellshock buckled his leg
in! Here comes Misery with a rolling kick to the wall! Hellshock falls
down! Prophet is hanging upside down by his leg, and he's stuck there with
his back to the cross! Misery is working him over, and pushing Prophet's
back into the barbed wire.
Larry: I love it. This is great!
Eugene: Dark Destroyer and Witch King are climbing in two of the other
corners as Misery pummels the Prophet and Hellshock begins to get up.
Hellshock cannot decide what to do. He grabs Misery, and whips him into
Dark Destroyer's corner! He runs at the Witch King's corner and starts
climbing! Witch King drops down and sits on Hellshock's shoulders! He does
a backwards Frankensteiner! The human body isn't supposed to bend that way!
They both hit the mat totally bent the wrong way! And Misery and Dark
Destroyer are crumpled in the other corner, because Misery knocked Dark D
down. Prophet is still hanging upside down! He's contorting and trying to
power himself into a sitting position, or some sort of position so he can
get off that cross! He's reaching for the buckle, he almost has it...Witch
King with a knee to Prophet! He falls back into the upside down position!
Witch King with another knee! He turns and begins to climb! He's halfway
up! No one is there to stop him! He's at the top! He's reaching for the
black bag! He stops! He decides not to! But here comes Dark Destroyer! Dark
Destroyer is almost to the top! Hellshock follows him! Dark Destroyer grabs
the black bag! Witch King grabs the black bag! They're fighting over it!
Here comes Hellshock! He pulls on their legs! All three fall into the ring,
and the bag with them! Remember, the belt in that black bag doesn't belong
to anyone until the bag is opened! Misery comes over and grabs it! Three
men have their hands on it, now four as Hellshock finally gets a hold of
it!
Larry: I wonder which belt it is?
Eugene: We don't know! But four of them are trying to wrest it away from
the others! Only Prophet is out of it... he's still hanging on the wall!
Misery has a good hold of the black bag...no...now it's Dark
Destroyer...now Hellshock! Hellshock takes it away from the others! He
throws it against the wall by Prophet! Prophet is reaching upside down for
it! He's hung too high! His arms can't reach it as it lies on the floor!
Now Dark Destroyer comes over...he is lifting Prophet up and strapping one
of his arms into the other buckle on the crossbeam of the cross! Prophet's
leg is in one buckle, and his arm is in another buckle! Misery comes over
with a dropkick on Prophet as Dark Destroyer ducks to avoid it! As he ducks
he picks up the black bag off the floor! He looks at it carefully! He holds
the drawstring in his teeth, unties Prophet's leg, and puts Prophet's arm
in the buckle! Now both arms are buckled at the wrist! And I don't believe
this! Dark Destroyer HANGS THE BLACK BAG AROUND THE PROPHET'S NECK!
Larry: He certainly does have a sense of humor, doesn't he?
Eugene: That might be the FASW World Title that he just hung around The
Prophet's neck! I don't believe it!
Larry: He's hung it like an albatross, to quote the great Samuel Taylor
Coleridge!
Eugene: You've studied literature? I learn something new every day. Now
the Witch King ascends the opposite corner and goes after the red bag.
Misery runs over, flying stinger splash in the corner! Both hang on to the
cage! Witch King hangs on! Misery is climbing up his back! They're
ascending slowly! Hellshock climbs another corner and goes for the green
bag! Dark Destroyer gives chase to Hellshock! Hellshock reaches the top! In
the other corner, Misery and Witch King have reached the top! Misery and
Witch King fight! Witch King overpowers Misery and sets him up for a
piledriver! OH MY GOD! Hellshock almost had the green bag, but Dark
Destroyer jostled the cage, and Hellshock crotched himself on the cage!
He's screaming in terrible pain! In the red corner, Witch King hits the
piledriver! He got Misery with the Minas Morgul! All the way from the top
of the steel cage!
Larry: That's not the Minas Morgul. That's the MEGA-Minas Morgul.
Eugene: No kidding...for once, Larry, YOU are not KIDDING. Misery is
stunned. And the Witch King resumes his climb. In the green corner,
Hellshock is sitting on top of the cage corner. Dark Destroyer is setting
up a superplex! NO! It's the Flatliner! A DDT all the way from the top!
They're both hurt! Misery, Dark Destroyer and Hellshock are all in a very
bad way, Prophet is strapped to the cage with the black bag around his
neck, unopened, and unable to open it himself, and Witch King has reached
the red bag! He has his hands on it...then he decides better of it and
shimmies the cage wall towards the green bag!
Larry: Earlier, he could have had the black bag! This match is nuts! I love
it! He's kicked butt, but if he picks the wrong bag, he's gone!
Eugene: He's reached the green corner! He has the bag! He's opened it! He
pulls out a belt! It's...
Larry: I can't see.
Eugene: Neither can I. He's hiding which one it is!
Larry: He's strapping it on! Backwards! It's face in so you can't tell
which one it is! This Witch King just might be a genius!
Eugene: You're right! Only the Witch King knows which one it is! They're
all identical except for the big metal plate across the front! Witch King
is wearing one of the belts, but we don't know which one! Now Hellshock and
Dark Destroyer lock up. Uppercut by Hellshock! Forearm smash by Dark
Destroyer! Misery begins to revive and crawl away from the situation,
Prophet is still strapped to the cross, and Witch King is sitting in the
green corner watching the proceedings, with A belt--we don't know which
one--strapped around his waist!
Larry: I know! Witch King must have won! He must have procured the belt!
He's got the belt, and now he's going to sit there and watch these fools
beat each other senseless over something they can't have!
Eugene: Which belt do you mean?
Larry: I mean either of them! It doesn't matter. Both are worth having! And
both will do nicely for making idiots out of these people!
Eugene: These are some of the top superstars in the world! And this is
turning out to be one of the most exciting matches I have ever seen, bar
none! Hellshock and Dark Destroyer are still grappling away, and Misery
nears the top of the red corner. He stands up there at his full height, and
comes down with a flying dropkick on Dark Destroyer! Hellshock got some of
it too, but mostly Double D! Hellshock is up! Misery goes back to the red
corner, as Hellshock goes for the blue corner and climbs. Misery is at the
top! Superfly Dive on Dark Destroyer! Hellshock has the blue bag! He opens
it! Which belt is it?
Larry: Can't see.
Eugene: It's the fool's belt! Hellshock is out! No! Wait! Hellshock is
allowed to open two bags, given the fact that he earned shots at both
belts, not like the other participants here who only earned shots at one.
Hellshock shrugs his shoulders! He throws the fool's belt out into the
crowd, and climbs back down!
Larry: Very smart on his part to open a bag. He can afford to, and now if
he can get another bag, he has a 2/3 chance of coming away with a title.
Eugene: So, the black bag is down and around Prophet's neck, the blue one
has been opened and discarded, the green one is around Witch King's
waist--only we don't know which one it is--and the red one is still hanging
high above the cage. Witch King is watching things from the green corner,
Hellshock is climbing down from the blue corner, Prophet is strapped to the
cross, and Misery and Dark Destroyer are flat on the canvas, after Misery
pasted Dark Destroyer with a Superfly dive! Hellshock walks across the ring
and is now preparing to climb the red corner. Witch King walks the top of
the cage to meet him! What balance!
Larry: Why would he do that if he has the World belt? Maybe the stupid Witch has the fool's belt
and is ashamed.
Eugene: Witch King stops halfway between the green corner and the red one!
He pauses, as if he doesn't want to go there. And Hellshock stops climbing!
He notices Witch King and stops!
Larry: I think Witch King is doing a hell of a psych job here.
Eugene: The funny thing is, that might be the World Title around Prophet's
neck this whole time! And no one has opened it! It's just sitting there in
the bag! Prophet is still strapped to the cross, Hellshock is climbing the
cage, and Misery and Dark Destroyer are on the floor. They both get up!
Dark Destroyer makes a beeline for Hellshock! And Misery goes after the
Prophet! He's reaching into the black bag! No one can stop him. Witch King,
Dark Destroyer, and Hellshock are all up on the cage! Now Dark Destroyer
catches up with Hellshock and does a side suplex all the way down to the
mat! Misery reaches into the black bag! He's pulling out a belt! Which one
is it?
Larry: I can't see.
Eugene: You can't see? Maybe you should get some eyeglasses.
Larry: Actually, I can see which belt Misery has.
Eugene: You can?
Larry: Yes.
Eugene: Which one is it?
Larry: I ain't tellin'. I like to keep you folks in suspense.
Eugene: Did you see which one the Witch King has?
Larry: I did.
Eugene: And which one is that?
Larry: I ain't tellin'.
Eugene: Misery holds up his belt! It's the PCW Heavyweight Title! He puts
it on! Now, he's taking that drawstring and he's strangling the Prophet
with it! Prophet is turning pale! Misery is really getting him good! Now
Prophet is turning pale! He's really hurting! His wind and his blood flow
to the brain are being cut off! The Prophet is in serious trouble!
{Owen McDonald gets the house mike}
Owen: The officials have informed me that Misery has procured the Pacific
Coast Wrestling Heavyweight Title Belt. The winner and first PCW
Heavyweight Champion is...Misery! The officials have also told me that
because Misery has opened his limit of one bag, he must leave the cage!
Eugene: Well, Misery obeys the order of the officials and climbs out of the
cage with his PCW belt. But Prophet is nearly purple in the face. Dark
Destroyer is down, Hellshock is down. Witch King is sittin atop the cage
watching the proceedings. Hellshock is the first one up. Here comes
Hellshock. He's loosening the drawstring.
Larry: Yeah. Notice that Hellshock is not removing the drawstring, nor is
he unbuckling Prophet from that cross.
Eugene: Dark Destroyer comes running in, from behind! He rams Hellshock
into the Prophet! Prophet is bleeding more! Now Irish Whip by Dark
Destroyer on Hellshock! Hellshock hits the cage wall! He knocks Witch King
off the top of the cage! Witch King falls onto Hellshock AND onto Dark
Destroyer, who was attempting to follow with a clothesline! What a
collision! All three are down! I think Hellshock got the worst of it! Witch
King got the best of it. He had Hellshock AND Dark Destroyer to break his
fall. Meanwhile, the Prophet is still strapped to the cross. Witch King
begins to crawl towards him, still wearing that belt backwards.
Larry: Listen to the Prophet. He's crying out with the most mournful
wailing I have ever heard.
Prophet: WITCH KING... I LOVE YOU! COME SAVE ME AND I SHALL PURIFY YOUR
SOUL! I LOVE YOU!
Larry: If I was the Witch King, I'd say this: "Sorry, Prophet, but you're
not getting any of my wood grain alcohol."
Eugene: The Witch King unbuckles The Prophet from the cross. Prophet nails
him with a chop to the throat! A kick to the gut! He gets behind Witch
King, grabs his arms, and puts his boot in Witch King's back! It's the
Crucifixion! And he's using it to drive Witch King face first into the
bloody cross that he was just hanging on! Dark Destroyer gets up! He's
climbing towards the red bag! Hellshock chases him! Prophet sees them and
releases his Crucifixion on Witch King. Witch King is out! He is
motionless, face down on the mat, wearing what might be the FASW World
Title!
Larry: I know whether it is or not.
Eugene: I know, I know. You ain't tellin'.
Larry: Damn straight.
Eugene: Dark Destroyer is almost to the top! He stands up to reach for the
bag! He has a hand on it! Hellshock jostles the cage! Dark Destroyer falls!
He catches his legs in the cage! He's hanging upside down! Hellshock is
climbing past him! Prophet reaches for Hellshock and pulls him down! They
land hard on the mat! Now Dark Destroyer is hanging upside down by himself.
He tries to sit up so he can reach the belt. He can't.
Larry: I would die of laughter if Witch King had the belt and these three
fools did all this for nothing.
Eugene: The Prophet and Hellshock climb back up as Dark Destroyer tries to
stand up so that he can reach the belt! Dark Destroyer stands! Hellshock
jostles the cage! Dark Destroyer sits down on it! Prophet still climbing,
Hellshock still climbing! The Witch King is on the floor, on his stomach,
still, from the crucifixion! He could be the champion right now! We don't
know!
Larry: He is the champion....NOT. Or maybe he is.
Eugene: Dark Destroyer stands again! He has the bag! Hellshock climbs up
and grabs his arm! Now Hellshock grabs the bag too! Both Dark Destroyer and
Hellshock have a hold of the bag! The Prophet puts an arm around each one!
Listen to him wail!
Prophet: I LOVE YOU! I WILL PURIFY YOU BOTH RIGHT NOW!!!
Eugene: Holy Cow! He grabbed both men and pulled them down ALL THE WAY TO
THE FLOOR! THE RED BAG! DESTROYER AND HELLSHOCK BOTH STILL HAVE A HOLD OF
IT! It's a tug of war! Destroyer pulls, now Hellshock! Hellshock reaches
for the opening...Destroyer grabs the wrist of Hellshock and pulls it away!
They're fighting back and forth as they lie on top of Prophet, who is
trapped underneath them! Hellshock uses his free hand to flip the bird at
Dark Destroyer! Dark Destroyer is mad! Now Hellshock uses his finger to
gouge Dark Destroyer in the eye! Dark Destroyer reaches for his eyes!
Hellshock reaches into the bag...he pulls out a belt...which one is it?
Larry: I can't see.
Eugene: He holds it high in the air! It's the FASW World Heavyweight Title!
HELLSHOCK IS STILL THE CHAMPION! {Bell rings}
Owen McDonald: Your winner, and still the FASW Heavyweight Champion of the
World, Hellshock!
{Crowd cheers}
Larry: And look. Witch King has that fool's belt. Just like I told you.
Eugene: Oh my. Dark Destroyer has to be very disappointed. Several times he
was an inch away from capturing the belt he used to hold--The FASW World
Title. And Prophet? I have to believe he wanted that PCW belt. It was
around his neck for so much of this match, but he never owned it.
Larry: He's suffering for your sins, Euge. Repent and accept the Prophet as
your savior.
Eugene: I've said it once and I'll say it again. The Prophet is not my savior!
Well, Hellshock is having quite a victory celebration here, as he has now
defended his title successfully against Jason the Terrible, Silencer, and
now four other men in Witch King, Dark Destroyer, the Prophet, and Misery.
On the horizon...a rematch with Silencer, and a date with Gunnar "The
Grizzly" Gaines at FASW/EWA's joint pay per view event, Superstar Summit!
PCW will be there, along with EWC and many other wrestling organizations
from around the world! For Northwest Legend Larry "The Chainsaw" Gaines,
I'm Eugene Curtis saying so long everyone from Holy War 96, and the Key
Arena in Seattle, Washington. See you next Friday night at the Grapplearium
in Portland!

Holy War '96
A Pacific Coast Wrestling Supercard
Produced in Association with Fantasy All Star Wrestling
(c) 1996 A Green Grappler Production




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