SQUIGGY: I think someone oughta go to the ladies room. There's a woman strangling herself to death.
LENNY: That's Laverne. She's warming up. She's gonna sing tonight.
SQUIGGY: She's gonna sing tonight?
LENNY: Yeah.
SQUIGGY: In public?
LENNY: Oh, yeah.
SQUIGGY: Does the public know about this?
SQUIGGY: Don't you think it's too cruel to have her sing in front of people who are eating?
LENNY (reading a letter): Conducting the interviews will be Dr. Matthew Gentry, MD, PhD, SIN, CER, ELY...
DR. GENTRY: Are you paranoid?
SQUIGGY: I'm German.
LENNY: He may try to look for something in your brain, but I assure you he won't find anything in mine.
LAVERNE: They said draw a house, right? Well look at me, I can't draw! I had to draw with a pencil in my mouth. It didn't even look like a house, it looked like a cow!
SQUIGGY: Wait a minute, Laverne. Why would you want to live in a cow? That's crazy!
LENNY: Now really, that's screwy, Laverne. I mean, people don't live in cows anymore. Now, there was an old woman who lived in a shoe...
SQUIGGY: What you should've done is draw a shoe.
DR. GENTRY: Lenny, I wish I could give you the gift of confidence.
LENNY (looks around): Are you the Wizard of Oz?
DR. GENTRY: Tell me, Andrew, how do you feel about being a truck driver?
SQUIGGY: It's better than what I done before.
DR. GENTRY: What was that?
SQUIGGY: I was a child.
DR. GENTRY: What kind of child were you?
SQUIGGY: White.
LENNY: Okay. Just as long as we don't have to talk about what it's like to be a little kid and all the other little kids know the teacher's giving you your lunch money, and they make fun of you because you mom ran out on you, and your dad smells like fish all the time, and you're afraid of linoleum.
SQUIGGY: A man is a guy who's tall... um... and he's like a boy, see. Except, through the urges of nature, he is forced to learn how to shave hiself.
SQUIGGY: I'm absolutely normal. Or as he calls me, abnormal.
LENNY: Can you tell me something to make it better?
SQUIGGY: Lie.
LENNY: I'm not here today.
MAN: Are you waiting for someone?
SHIRLEY: Nobody but you, mister.
SHIRLEY: You see, there is no answer to a question never asked.
(knock on door)
LAVERNE: What's that supposed to mean?
SHIRLEY: That usually means there's someone at the door.
LENNY: I'd like to dedicate this first number and all preceding numbers to a certain waitress who slings the hash of my heart.
FRANK: To be or not to be? That's a good question.
LAVERNE: If you bring that up one more time, I'm going to take the socks out of your bra and give them to Squiggy to play with.
SHIRLEY: That's how you treat fine wool?
SHIRLEY: We should give them a firm talking to.
LAVERNE: Go easy on 'em, Killer.
LAVERNE: Okay, but just be sure Mrs. B. doesn't know we have cats in the building.
MRS. BABISH: What cats in the building?
LAVERNE: I didn't say cats... I said bats. Bats in the building.
MRS. BABISH: There are no bats in this building.
LAVERNE: And that's why we love living here!
SHIRLEY (to cat): Say hello to Carmine. (high voice) Hello, Carmine. Aren't you going to say hello to me? Don't you like me?
CARMINE: Hello, cat.
SQUIGGY: The first war was so good, we decided to hold another one. Only this time we came up with a new name: World War II.
SQUIGGY: Why do we have to follow a dancing bear?
SHIRLEY: Because the bear refused to follow you.
LENNY: The bear told you that? Why's a talking bear wasting his time dancing?
SHIRLEY: Americans... Well, what are we?
LAVERNE & FRANK: Italian.
SQUIGGY: German.
LENNY: Polish.
SHIRLEY: You actually followed him home?
LAVERNE: Oh, well, he didn't go home. He went to his place of business.
SHIRLEY: He's a business man?
LAVERNE: He's a mortician.
SHIRLEY: Ewww!
LAVERNE: Well, somebody's gotta do it.
SHIRLEY: Yes, but we don't have to know them!
SQUIGGY: It's good to see you up and around and all chipper and breathing and everything.
SQUIGGY: We would have been here on time, but we was late.
SHIRLEY: I'll go. I'll meet him. I'll say, "Hi, how are you?" and he'll say, "Fine, how are you?" I'll say, "I, myself, am dying. If you'll excuse me, goodnight."
STANLEY: Can I call you? Next week?
LAVERNE: Sure. You want my telephone number?
STANLEY: You gave it to me yesterday.
LAVERNE: I did?
STANLEY: Three times.
LAVERNE: Do you know what it's like making out with a guy who chews his sock? It's like kissing a hamper!
CARMINE: Hey, you're pretty good! How long has it been since you took a dance lesson?
MRS. BABISH: Oh, almost twenty-five years!
CARMINE: Twenty-five years ago? Gee, that means you started dancing when you were about...
MRS. BABISH: A baby.
LAVERNE:Hey, nobody calls my friend Lenny stupid!
LENNY: But you just called me stupid last week.
LAVERNE: Yeah, but I know you.
LENNY: I know I've always been a big swinger and all - never wanted to settle down or nothing.. the famous Lone Wolf! But I'm gonna buckle down, take the dispatchers test, and I'm gonna make a good living. Plus, I'll practically never hit you or nothing. And I like you, and I'd like you to marry me.
LENNY: Well, you're nice... And you're easy!
SHIRLEY: You two ought to be horse-thumped!
SQUIGGY: Maybe so, maybe so... But we'll be horse-thumped with smiles on our faces!
LENNY: Squig! She's got me by the bullwinkle!
LENNY: Remember, this is your hell... Please keep it clean!
SQUIGGY: Just a minute! I'm fixing my bodice!
LENNY: I think we'll help the firemen by washing their dog - it's got spots all over it!
LENNY & SQUIGGY: Fire, fire, fire! Someone get a net! Here come the firemen to get the fire wet!
SQUIGGY: Wait, I ain't dumping trash like this! It's not as God intended!
LAVERNE: Hey, Len, I'll trade you a brain for a chop.
LENNY: Now what am I going to do with a brain?
LENNY: Yeah, did you see the looks on their faces when Shirley set those lobsters free?
SHIRLEY: Yes, I hope they make it home! Home to the sea!
LAVERNE: I doubt they'll even make it to Maine there, Shirl.
LENNY: Maybe they can settle on Lake Michigan.
SQUIGGY: Laverne, Shirley?
LAVRENE & SHIRLEY: What?
SQUIGGY: Come on up here - Lenny just swallowed his comb!
SHIRLEY: Well, we're kind of particular. We don't go out with just any creep.
LAVERNE: Yeah, only those that ask us.
LENNY: I present, the world's greatest escape artist, the king of bondage, the great Squizini!
LENNY: Yeah, I know. It's unbelievable, Shirl, but just when you least expect it, love walks through the door.
SQUIGGY (entering): Hello.
LAVERNE (holding up a leaf): Len, what's this?
LENNY: It's the universe. At least, that's what Shirley said. But between you, me, and the lampost, it looks like a leaf.
TV ANNOUNCER: Hello, lovers.
LAVERNE, LENNY, & SQUIGGY: Hello.
SHIRLEY: Hail Mary full of grace; don't let him hit her in the face.
SHIRLEY: You know, it's just like the jingle. "Hair all grungy, full of goo? Shake in, brush out Quicky Poo!"
SHIRLEY: Laverne, there are some people you just don't touch.
SQUIGGY (entering): Hello.
SHIRLEY: My scalp's all dry and itchy - I feel like I have athlete's head!
CARMINE: Oh, yeah, Laverne will be real happy to see you. She'll be jumping up and down... on your face!
SQUIGGY: Alright, so maybe we are pickleheads. But we're the best damn pickleheads in the state of Milwaukee!
SHIRLEY: Laverne, I'm telling you, flying is safer than driving! Nobody has ever crashed into a cloud!
LAVERNE: Yeah, well, nobody ever fell 40,000 feet from a DeSoto, either.
LAVERNE: I'm Laverne DeFazio of the Milwaukee DeFazios, formerly of the Brooklyn DeFazios.
SHIRLEY: C'mon, let's hit the hay.
LAVERNE: I have no hay. You burned my hay.
SHIRLEY: All right then, I'll hit the hay and you hit the ashes.
LAVERNE: Oh, come on! You're only working there so you can meet single male doctors!
SHIRLEY: And I am meeting scads of them!
LAVERNE: You're meeting scabs?
SHIRLEY: Scads! Scads! With a D! Didn't you ever read a book?!
LAVERNE: Yes, I read a book! Scabs of them!
MONIQUE: Um, what's the most romantic word you can think of?
LENNY: Lint.
MONIQUE: What does that mean?
LENNY: Have you never been in love?
JIM LANGE: Hang on to your enchiladas, because Andrew, you a-and your date are headed south of the border to the spicy city of... Alcapolco!
SQUIGGY: Aah!
LENNY: We're going to France!
MONIQUE: Uh, Number Two, what kind of vegetable would you be?
LENNY: I would be a saurkraut. It was my only toy as a child.