3) If a man says "I'll call you" and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
4) A man who wants to be "friends" immediately after the relationship is over was never really in the relationship.
8) Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis six-love-six-love. I just came right out and asked him, "Are we ever going to have sex again?" He said "Yes, but not with each other."
11) Getting rid of a man without hurting his pride and masculinity has always been a problem. "Get out!" and "I never want to see you again." will cause confrontation, and since most men love a challenge, might even make them keener. If you want to get rid of a man whom you have not been seeing very long, I suggest this. Say "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
12) If you buy your boyfriend or husband a video camera, for the first few weeks lock the door when you go to the bathroom. For some reason they think surprising you in the bathroom is hysterical. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
19) Men don't understand comfortable dressing for women. We'll be going out to dinner and my husband will say, "Please don't make me wear a tie, I can't breathe, I can't swallow, don't make me wear a tie." I say, "Okay, don't wear a tie. What should I wear?" He says, "How about that iron bustier with the torture lacing?"
26) Always check out a man's pets before getting too involved.
Dogs, cats, fish...fine.
Snakes, bats, rats...run.
35) The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
55) Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off our burglar alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in.
71) A man who continually takes vacations by himself is hiding something.
81) A married man having an affair who says he has never done this before...has done this before.
85) The weather changes, people do not. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right" if hea) got older
b) got a new job
c) started going to a psychiatrist
You are going to get a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. (A near-death experience sometimes changes people, but even this is usually temporary.)
90) If you're in a car with a man and he stops to ask for directions, listen carefully cause he won't, and it will be your fault if you get lost.
101 & 102) When four men get together they talk about sports. When four or more women get together they about men.
112) Men who call the "Love Hotline" on a regular basis should not ask their friends to fix them up with a nice girl.
113) Men who stockpile weapons in their basement should be investigated.
122) Men name their children after themselves, women don't. Have you ever met a Sally Jr.?
126) A man who will only eat in an Italian restaurant with his back facing a wall probably has a few enemies.
132) Men swear more when they're in a car. My husband is English. Outside the car he's a perfect gentleman; inside the car, he's a sailor with Tourette's syndrome.
133) My husband will cook but not "cook, cook." He'll only barbeque. Men will cook as long as there is danger involved.
135) Men lie about their salary. Women lie about their age.
145) Men like camping more than women do because of the ease of their bathroom situation. ]
150) Even men who consider themselves brave would not want to be alone in a room with Madonna.
152) Men who own more than one tuxedo are either in politics, show buisness, or organized crime.
155) Men who don't say "I love you" alot probably love you more than the men who say it all the time.
156) If a man says "I need my space," don't argue with him. Change your phone number. If he goes through the trouble of finding your new number, he'll probably need less space.
163) Men make better burglars than women. Men just show up; women call ahead.
168) Men fantasize about having a harem-----a group of women that fulfills all of their wishes. Women don't fantasize about a male harem; that's just more men to pick up after.
170) Men aren't as considerate as women. When men are invited to eat at a man's house, they don't bring anything.
172) Men who stay out late and go jogging early in the morning are going to get run over.
178) Men do not ne as much bathroom space as women do. My husband shaves in the backyard with a hose.
186) All men have mild anxiety attacks when they find themselves in jewelry stores with women.
191) Men love massages. Learn to do it. I hired a masseuse to come to the house for my husband's birthday. I thought I was very smart until the doorbell rang and I opened the door and there was an eighteen-year-old blonde girl standing there saying "I'm here to give your husband a massage." I said, "He's dead."
192 & 193) Men forget everything. Women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
196) Men love football. I don't understand all those men running around frantically bumping into each other when nothing is even on sale.
198) Men who have more than six cats are practicing witchcraft.
199) Men do not think ahead. Men who have tattoos with other women's names on them will always have a great deal of explainging to do when they get undressed.
202) All the men who read this book will hate it.
4) A man who wants to be "friends" immediately after the relationship is over was never really in the relationship.
8) Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis six-love-six-love. I just came right out and asked him, "Are we ever going to have sex again?" He said "Yes, but not with each other."
11) Getting rid of a man without hurting his pride and masculinity has always been a problem. "Get out!" and "I never want to see you again." will cause confrontation, and since most men love a challenge, might even make them keener. If you want to get rid of a man whom you have not been seeing very long, I suggest this. Say "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
12) If you buy your boyfriend or husband a video camera, for the first few weeks lock the door when you go to the bathroom. For some reason they think surprising you in the bathroom is hysterical. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
19) Men don't understand comfortable dressing for women. We'll be going out to dinner and my husband will say, "Please don't make me wear a tie, I can't breathe, I can't swallow, don't make me wear a tie." I say, "Okay, don't wear a tie. What should I wear?" He says, "How about that iron bustier with the torture lacing?"
26) Always check out a man's pets before getting too involved.
Dogs, cats, fish...fine.
Snakes, bats, rats...run.
35) The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
55) Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off our burglar alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in.
71) A man who continually takes vacations by himself is hiding something.
81) A married man having an affair who says he has never done this before...has done this before.
85) The weather changes, people do not. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right" if he
You are going to get a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. (A near-death experience sometimes changes people, but even this is usually temporary.)
90) If you're in a car with a man and he stops to ask for directions, listen carefully cause he won't, and it will be your fault if you get lost.
101 & 102) When four men get together they talk about sports. When four or more women get together they about men.
112) Men who call the "Love Hotline" on a regular basis should not ask their friends to fix them up with a nice girl.
113) Men who stockpile weapons in their basement should be investigated.
122) Men name their children after themselves, women don't. Have you ever met a Sally Jr.?
126) A man who will only eat in an Italian restaurant with his back facing a wall probably has a few enemies.
132) Men swear more when they're in a car. My husband is English. Outside the car he's a perfect gentleman; inside the car, he's a sailor with Tourette's syndrome.
133) My husband will cook but not "cook, cook." He'll only barbeque. Men will cook as long as there is danger involved.
135) Men lie about their salary. Women lie about their age.
145) Men like camping more than women do because of the ease of their bathroom situation. ]
150) Even men who consider themselves brave would not want to be alone in a room with Madonna.
152) Men who own more than one tuxedo are either in politics, show buisness, or organized crime.
155) Men who don't say "I love you" alot probably love you more than the men who say it all the time.
156) If a man says "I need my space," don't argue with him. Change your phone number. If he goes through the trouble of finding your new number, he'll probably need less space.
163) Men make better burglars than women. Men just show up; women call ahead.
168) Men fantasize about having a harem-----a group of women that fulfills all of their wishes. Women don't fantasize about a male harem; that's just more men to pick up after.
170) Men aren't as considerate as women. When men are invited to eat at a man's house, they don't bring anything.
172) Men who stay out late and go jogging early in the morning are going to get run over.
178) Men do not ne as much bathroom space as women do. My husband shaves in the backyard with a hose.
186) All men have mild anxiety attacks when they find themselves in jewelry stores with women.
191) Men love massages. Learn to do it. I hired a masseuse to come to the house for my husband's birthday. I thought I was very smart until the doorbell rang and I opened the door and there was an eighteen-year-old blonde girl standing there saying "I'm here to give your husband a massage." I said, "He's dead."
192 & 193) Men forget everything. Women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
196) Men love football. I don't understand all those men running around frantically bumping into each other when nothing is even on sale.
198) Men who have more than six cats are practicing witchcraft.
199) Men do not think ahead. Men who have tattoos with other women's names on them will always have a great deal of explainging to do when they get undressed.
202) All the men who read this book will hate it.
Click here to buy it.
Copyright © Rita Rudner Enterprises Inc., 1994
|
|
|
|