angel

Angel by Jennifer Joy Arend

The Dream

An Introduction

The night is still and lonely. A chilling draft weaves its way into my room. I shiver and pull my blankets closer to my face. Somewhere it seems that I can hear people laughing. Somewhere people are happy. That's a comforting thought. To me it gives me a feeling of hope, a hope that someday I too, will be happy. I drift into sleep. The clock ticks away. Time passes by. The entire night passes by.

I wake in the morning. I look into the mirror. My hair is a mess. My brown eyes stare back at me through green wire-rimmed glasses. I used to believe that they made me look smarter. Now all I see is an owl staring back at me, and if you want to know the truth of it, owls really aren't the smartest creatures on Earth.

The shower makes me feel new. Like every morning, I can wash away every mistake I've ever made, and start all over. I wash. I dress. I do my make-up, and put in my contacts. I make myself look almost normal. I guess I'm as normal as any dreamer could ever be. This may have nothing to do with anything, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only dreamer in the entire universe who isn't getting what she's wishing for.

I walk out of my bedroom. I walk down the stairs into my kitchen. Mom has already left for work. Dad's still sleeping. The house is quiet except for the gentle footsteps of Shimmer, my beautiful gray cat. She purrs softly and rubs against my legs. I pick her up, like I do every morning, and I let my tears fall upon her soft fur. Suddenly I hear laughter. Perhaps it is the same sweet mirth that I eavesdropped last night. I don't know.

I turn around to face the tall glass patio doors. They shine as bright sunlight filters through. As if by divine act, the doors open. A warm summer breeze blows in, blowing the white curtains like lost ghosts, but its November.

Then I see him. He calls me to him, and he takes my hand. His eyes burn into mine as if he were looking straight into my soul. I smile and I feel my tears drying, evaporating in the warm, inviting sunshine. He looks to the sky. A bird is flying above our old oak tree. I have a thought that the bird looks just like an angel from a distance. Then I realize what's happening. Fear finds me for a moment, but it is fleeting. I throw myself into his arms, and he carries me away. He carries me, his princess, to her castle, her castle in the air. At this moment, I can honestly say, I have never been so content with being a dreamer. This dream I have dreamed so long yet no prince has come for me. Still, I don't lose hope. He's out there somewhere. Someday my prince will come, and I will be his angel forevermore.

It was a cold, winter evening. I could see my breath as I struggled to keep up with Laine. I must have looked like the abominable snow woman in my heavy wool coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots. Yet I remember thinking to myself that no matter how much I tried to bundle up, I was never warm on a cold winter evening.

"Evie, do you want to stop and rest a minute?" Laine asked sympathetically.

I laughed as well as I could without breath. "No, if we stop, we'll be even colder." Laine nodded and continued to trudge on through the slush. Slush is what's left behind after the city gets rid of snow. Its so depressing.

"We're actually almost there anyway," Laine said reassuringly.

It's probably a bit hard to believe, but there we were, stumbling through blizzard remnants in the freezing cold, on our way to a coffee shop. I tried to persuade her to let me fix a couple of mocha cappuccinos at home, but then she reminded me of a small detail. I didn't have a cappuccino machine. "Besides, all the artsy people hang out there," she said. "We could use some interesting friends," Laine had added.

I had to agree with her. Our friends at the time consisted of an overly perky cheerleader named Lissa, and a hippie wannabe calling herself Charity. So, I agreed to go. Thus, we struggled on, slush and all. "Look, there it is! The Brew!"

"The Brew?" I inquired. "Sounds like a cheap bar."

Laine glared at me for a moment. Then she simply smiled and rolled her eyes. "Evie, you always have such a strange way of looking at things." So, we entered "The Brew."

I felt at home right away. The walls were all black, with abstract paintings shining dimly in the candlelight. The warm aroma of coffee and hot chocolate, cookies, and pastries filled the air. It seems to me that at that moment, I never wanted to leave. Laine on the other hand, seemed to feel a bit uneasy.

We sat down at a table in the left corner. We ordered our mochas. The waitress was very friendly. She smiled warmly as she took our order. The whole place was so dark, yet so warm. It was a miracle. But, Laine kept looking around anxiously, like she was afraid someone might actually try something drastic, like talking to us.

"Laine, what's wrong?" I asked with concern.

"I don't know, Evie. I just have the strangest feeling. Something's just not right."

Suddenly people began to applaud. A boy stood on a platform to our right. A piece of paper was in his hand. He waited for the crowd to quiet. Then he began to read to the audience.

"An angel came to my dream last night.

I thought she was there to rescue me,

but she was there to tell me how to rescue myself.

I thought she was going to give me wings,

but she showed me to make my own.

I expected gentle whispers,

but her voice was a scream.

And if that hadn't woken me,

I might have saved myself this morning,

but now I don't remember the dream."

His voice was like a chilling winter wind. It gave me chills to hear him speak. His poem made me feel things I never knew existed within my soul. He touched me that day.

"Thank you," he replied as he stepped down.

The audience had been clapping, but I hadn't noticed. I stared at him. I couldn't help it. It gave me the most fulfilling rush just to look upon him. Just then the waitress came back with our mochas. "Who is that?" I asked.

"Oh, that's Nathan. He's amazing, isn't he? He comes to our poetry readings all the time. We make him go last though cause no one wants to follow him." She smiled and went back on her merry way.

I looked at Laine. She looked back at me. She was giving me that "let's drink and get out of here" glare. I just laughed. "Laine, it was your idea to come here, was it not?"

"Yes, but this really isn't my type of place I don't think. I don't feel comfortable here."

I sighed. "All right, we'll leave as soon as we finish the mochas."

We had just finished drinking our cappuccino when Nathan walked over to our table. "Hey, I'm Nathan Stuart. I've never seen you two here before. I just wanted to introduce myself, and welcome you to our little oasis."

I couldn't speak. I just couldn't. Then suddenly it was like my thoughts decided to speak by themselves. "Hey, I'm Evienne Marshall. This is my best friend, Laine Fleur. I think we'll be back soon. I kinda like yo---this place." I blushed three shades of scarlet, and he grinned.

"That's great." He glanced over at discontented Laine. "If you need someone to come here with, I'm always available." He handed me his number, and walked away.

Days passed before I finally got the courage to call him. But when I did, I was greeted warmly by a kindhearted gentleman that I came to know quite well as Nathan Stuart. "Hello?" His voice was as but a single note of a triumphant symphony, and just as beautiful.

"Hello. Is Nathan there?" I asked timidly.

"You are speaking with him," was the confident answer.

"Oh, and so I am," I replied. "This is Evienne. We met at the coffee shop a few days ago. I don't know if you remember me or not."

"Remember you? Curse my soul should I not remember! I feared you would never call me! Tell me what kept you these days? I've been waiting." I felt my heart flying away. His speech was so eloquent. He talked as if conversation itself were an art, and he a humble painter at work upon a masterpiece.

"I suppose there's no sense lying. I was nervous to call you. You seem so amazing, and I don't understand why you even gave me your number. What is it worth if I call you?"

He laughed gently, and sighed. "Evienne, I would never have made your acquaintance let alone given you my number if I didn't desire the pleasure of your company many times over." I smiled. I smiled like I had never smiled before. It was a smile that could light up the world. Perhaps it even reached to the castle in which my prince sat humbly for he laughed once again. "So, when are you available to share with me?" He asked.

"I'm available right now actually, but whenever you're free, I'm sure it will be fine," I answered.

"All right. Then now it is. I'll pick you up. What is your address my dear?"

"702 Ridgeway Lane," I stated. "Its near Deer foot Park."

"And so I will find it, and be there shortly. I'll see you then Evienne."

"Until then," I answered.

"Until then."

Nathan pulled in front of my house in a silver sedan. I could hear Mozart playing from it although the windows were rolled up. Feeling like a snow queen, I rushed outside once again all bundled up, and hopped into the car. I've never felt more like a princess than the moment I first took a ride in my prince's carriage. "So, are we going to the coffee house, then?" I inquired.

"Actually, beautiful, I was thinking we could see a play. The playhouse is presenting 'Our Town' tonight. It's one of my favorites."

"Really? 'Our Town' is a favorite of yours? It's also a favorite of mine. I always dreamed of playing Emily."

"Are you an actress then?"

"Well, sort of. I'm an amateur. I've done a few community theatre shows and school plays of course. I've never been in anything really spectacular."

"Well, I'm sure someday you will play Emily, and probably many other roles worthy of your talent."

I blushed. "I don't know that I'm that talented actually."

Surprise swept over him. He looked straight into my eyes with a stare of urgency. "Evienne, I'm an excellent judge of character, and yours is a remarkable one. I see in you more talent, more beauty, more spirit than you will likely ever comprehend or see within yourself." He turned back to the road, and I felt tears invade my eyes. Suddenly he looked back over. "I'm sorry, Evie." His tone was affectionate. So affectionate in fact that for a moment I wondered if I had ever really lived without him. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

That's when I let it all out. He pulled the car over, and I cried. He held me as I confessed all the insecurities inside and all the feelings of inadequacy I had been feeling for years. I told him about my parents divorce, and about being lonely as an only child in a great big house. I told him about my dreams, and about how I feared I'd never achieve them. I told him how I felt the world didn't understand me, and that it seemed as if I was always acting, always trying to be what I though others wanted me to be.

All the while he just held me and listened, drying my tears ever so often with the gentle touch of his hand. Then all was silent. I looked up, and he kissed me. The world could have stopped turning at that moment, and I wouldn't have noticed. I became so caught up in the rush of his understanding, of his listening, of his insistence on giving back to me all the hope life had caused me to lose.

When he pulled away, there were tears in his eyes too. "Evie, I've been searching for someone to make me feel whole for so long. The feelings that come with the fact that I have finally found that person are so overwhelming. I can't help but to weep for the sake of happiness."

I smiled. With tears still in my eyes it seemed as though my smile were a ray of sunshine through a storm of rain. My thoughts were of rainbows as he finally turned the car back onto the road and headed towards the playhouse.

The play was magnificent. It had been the first time I ever saw "Our Town" performed live, although I had read the play several times. Nathan treated me like a princess the entire night.

When he pulled up in front of my house again, I wasn't ready for him to leave me. "Nathan, I just want to thank you so much for a wonderful evening. I've never felt so complete in my entire life."

We kissed.

"Evie," His eyes sparkled with contentment. "It is you who should be thanked. You are an amazing woman. I know we will have much happiness in each other's company." We kissed again, and then he walked me to the door.

I went to bed that night quite late. It was so hard to sleep when all I could think about was Nathan and the magic of the night we had just spent together.

Of course I called Laine the very next morning and told her all about it. "What? So you guys are like together now?" She asked after my story.

"I don't think there's any 'like' about it," I replied.

"Wow." Laine sounded unenthusiastic.

"What's wrong, Laine?" I inquired.

"Well, it's just that...Evie...he's kinda weird."

"Weird? What are you talking about? He's amazing! He's a writer, an actor, and a musician. He's charming, caring, and considerate. He's absolutely amazing, Laine."

"Evie, do you even know where this guy lives or anything about him? Have you ever even seen him around school? How old is he?"

I was startled. "It's odd, but I never even thought to ask him that kind of stuff. It didn't seem relevant."

"That kind of stuff is always relevant, Evie. You just never know about people."

I felt a chill run down my spine, but I shook it off. Laine was right, but so what? I could just ask him stuff the next time I saw him. And so I did.

We decided to go to the movies and hang at the mall for a bit the next Saturday. We were sitting at the snack bar when I posed my penetrating questions. "Nathan, where do you live?"

"Meredith Court...its near the waterfalls."

I almost choked on my french fry. "Meredith Court? My God! What do your parents do for a living?"

He laughed a bit uneasily. "Well, my dad is an investment banker, and my mother is a lawyer. I've got a sister too. Her name is Caroline."

"Caroline Stuart is your sister?" I asked surprised.

"Yes," he replied.

"The Broadway actress?"

"Yes."

I was blown away. "Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"

"Well, I guess I just wanted you to like me for me. It's not like I plan on being rich later in life. I'm an artist not a businessman."

"Oh and one more thing, how old are you, and where do you go to school?" I inquired. He raised an eyebrow and grinned at me. I blushed. "Laine wanted to know."

"Well, I'm 17, and I'm a senior at Hanover Academy for the Arts. It's a very expensive private school. I feel it's a bit extravagant, but my parents told me that if I'm determined to be an artist of some sort, I should at least have the best background possible."

I nodded, satisfied.

My prince Nathan really was a prince, or at least he had enough money to be. It only made his humble personality more satisfying. Laine was still a bit suspicious when I told her, but gradually she seemed to get the picture especially after she and I attended dinner at his mansion.

It was the night after the dinner party that I started having the dreams. I remember the first one took place in my room. Nathan and I were sitting on my bed. He looked so forlorn. His blue eyes were shining with a thousand tears. His copper hair looked unbrushed for he kept running his fingers through it, pulling at his hair nervously. I stared at him, afraid to say anything, and afraid to ask questions for which I wanted not the answers. Suddenly he began to stroke my long dark hair. He seemed to lose himself in my eyes for a moment. Then he spoke. "Evie, you are my angel, you know that right?" I nodded. "Evie, there's something I have to tell you." He paused and swallowed back a few tears. "I'm dying." That's when the room started to spin. I don't remember anything after. I just remember waking up in a cold sweat, and running to the phone to call Laine.

"Hello?"

"Is Laine there?"

"Yeah hold on a sec," her mom replied.

"Hello," Laine spoke softly.

"Laine, I just had the most terrifying dream." I told her the dream and she listened without comment.

"Evie, there's something I think you need to know."

My heart dropped. "What is it Laine?"

"Have you ever heard of Susannah Carterwood?"

"Yes, she goes to our school, right? Isn't she the editor of the school newspaper?" I answered.

"Yeah actually she is. Listen, she's had her eyes on Nathan."

I shuttered. "Oh really? I can't believe people. They see someone is happy and immediately they want to be happy too, but they don't want to be happy for their own efforts. They want to be happy by having what's making someone else happy."

"Yeah," was all Laine said. "Anyways, I have to go do the dishes. I'll catch you later Evie."

"Ok. Bye."

I didn't mention the dream to Nathan. I didn't want to scare him. He seemed so happy. I did talk to him about Susannah, but it amounted to nothing. He reassured me that everything was okay. He was so sincere it was impossible not to believe in him. I thought it was interesting, however, that in life, a girl was trying to steal Nathan from me, and in my dreams, death grabbed at him. I made a promise to myself right then and there that no matter what I would hold on to him.

But the dream came back the next night, and Susannah started calling him non-stop. I was a wreck. I must have been out of my mind, but I went over to his house bawling. "I'm so afraid I'm going to lose you!" I said.

He was silent. He held me like he had on the night we first met, and listened as I told him about the dream and expressed my fears of that and of Susannah. When I stopped talking he sighed. "Evienne, as far as Susannah is concerned, you never need to worry. I'll always love you and no other. And as far as the dream is concerned, not even death could separate me from you. You are my angel." I smiled, and the tears faded once again only to be brought back again by another dream.

This time I was on the phone talking to Laine. "Laine, Nathan has Cancer. He has less than three months to live. They want to treat him, but even the doctors have to admit its so far along it won't do much good. So, he's just going to die. There's no battle to fight that would be any success. Laine, what am I going to do without him?" That's when I woke up once again in a cold sweat.

In life, I decided to spend as much time with Nathan as possible just in case. But, another dream followed the next night. The next dream took place in a hospital. Nathan was lying in bed, and he was talking to me softly. "Evie, remember, death can never separate us. We're soul mates. Our love is written in the patterns of time. Please don't cry. I love you so much and it pains me so to see you unhappy. Evie, you're my angel. Remember baby you're my angel."

I called Laine bawling the next morning, shaking so bad I could barely hold the phone. "Listen Evie, my aunt's a psychologist. Maybe she can help you. Go see her today. Tell her that Elaina sent you, and that it's urgent. Her name is Mary Beth Fleur."

So I went to see Ms. Fleur. I laid back on that old red couch, and I told her about Nathan and about my dreams and she told me exactly what I expected her to tell me. "Evienne dear, these dreams are just a representation of your fear of losing Nathan. This Susannah girl is a threat in your eyes. You're so in love, everything is a threat. You're so afraid. It's just coming out in your dreams because you're not dealing with it well in reality."

"So, how should I deal with it?" I asked.

"Maybe take a little time away from Nathan. Give each other some space. When he has room to run, but doesn't stray, you'll realize you have nothing to fear and the dreams will stop."

"But what if he does stray?"

"If he truly loves you, he won't," she answered ever so matter-of-factly.

I tried to follow her plan, but I couldn't do it. Every moment with Nathan still felt like it could be my last. I began to notice such small details like the way he always wears white on Sundays, and how his laughter lights up his whole face like sunlight on a summer day. I cherished every second with Nathan.

Then the last dream came. I was standing in front of his tombstone. I was crying as I placed white roses on his grave. There was lightning in the distance. Then an arm went over my shoulder, and I looked. It was Nathan. "Evie, I'm dead. But Evie, it's okay. Heaven is a beautiful place. They have performances day and night. Everyone can participate. Last night I played Beethoven's fifth symphony on the piano for an audience of thousands. It was exhilarating."

I smiled in spite of myself. "That's wonderful darling."

"Evie, I know what's been going on. I know that you've been trying to escape in your dreams. I know you didn't want to accept that I was dying, and I know you don't want to accept that I'm dead. But Evie, you can't live in your dreams. There's a whole life waiting for you out there."

"But Nathan, how can I live without you?"

"Evie, you're my angel remember? Not even death could separate us." I cried and he held me until my tears stopped.

When I opened my eyes he was gone, but the sun was shining and it was a marvelous day. I stopped for a moment to touch the white roses. Then I left the cemetery. I walked home and went up to my room. I sat on my bed. I placed my hand on the spot next to me. I expected it to be cold. After all, no one was home to be sitting there. But, it was warm. And when I lifted my eyes I caught a glimpse of Nathan staring back at me. It was just a glimpse. It was just a moment. Yet it has stayed with me, and even though it has been so very long since that day, I know he will always be with me, and I will always be his angel.

Angel by Jennifer Joy Arend Ó 2000

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