geezer

A Geezer Story

by Walter Edminster

The elderly gentleman came in to the Coffee Cup at his regular time, sat down at his regular place at the counter, and ordered his regular cup of black coffee. Mabel had started pouring it as soon as she saw him walk through the door. He was a nice old fellow. He was pleasant, he always had a smile on his face, and he always left Mabel a generous tip. If he didn’t show up at that exact time every morning, Mabel would worry about him thinking he might have passed away. But he was not as frail as he appeared. Not by a long shot. Very few people knew much about him but most thought he was a pretty nice old man.

He said, “Hi Mabel, is the coffee as bad today as it usually is?

“If you don’t like the coffee, why do you keep coming in here every day?”

“To see if they’ve fired you and replaced you with a pretty waitress.”

Every morning they had their ritual exchange of insults, never exactly the same but always along the same lines.

There were only about five people in the Coffee Cup when the two punks came in waving their pistols. They told everyone to empty their pockets of valuables and place them on the counter. Everyone complied with their wishes except the elderly gentleman at the counter. While one punk kept them intimidated with his piercing eyes, the other walked around pocketing the valuables. When he reached the elderly gentleman he stopped. “Hey, dad, I thought I told you to empty your pockets out on the counter. You hard of hearing or something?”

“No, I hear quite well. I just don’t want to give you my money. I don’t have very much and what I have, I need more than you do. “

Mabel said, “Give him the damned money.”

“No, I can’t do that. It’s also a matter of principle you know.”

The other punk, becoming interested in this conversation, walked over to see what was going on. His friend, who didn’t seem to be getting through to the old fellow, removed the cigarette from his mouth and dropped it into the elderly gentleman’s coffee cup.

“This Is your last chance, dad. Are you going to hand over the cash or do I have to do something rash?”

“I guess you’ll have to do something rash.”

Mabel said, “My God, give it to him!”

The elderly gentleman looked at Mabel with a smile and said, “I intend to do just that.” Like a bolt of lightning he struck the punk in the Adam’s Apple with the tips of three fingers of his right hand, and grabbed him by the testicles with his left. He then squeezed. The other punk stepped in to help and received the tip of a shoe, just under the chin. In less than five seconds the holdup was over. One was on the floor unconscious, the other was on the floor clutching his crushed manhood screaming like a banshee, and the two guns were laying on the counter.

The elderly gentleman was sitting calmly at the counter looking at his coffee cup. He said, “Mabel, close your mouth and give me a fresh cup of coffee. This one has a cigarette in it.

The police were there almost immediately. It took 15 minutes to clean things up then they were gone. All except one. A fellow in plain clothes came over to the counter and sat down beside the elderly gentleman. “Well Jim, from what the eye witnesses tell me, you haven’t lost your touch.”

“Hi Dick. Not quite as fast as I used to be but I can still keep up with the likes of them.”

“Well, at least you left these two alive.”

“Getting mellow in my old age I guess. Mabel was listening to all this with a puzzled expression on her face. Jim said, “Mabel I think you have some customers down there at the end of the counter.” She grinned. “OK, Jim. But I’ll be back. With questions. I’ve been wondering what your name was.”

Dick said, “What are you doing in town anyway?”

“A little R and R. I get tired easier these days.”

“I’d like you to do me a favor.”

“I’m listening. I believe I owe you a couple”

“I wasn’t going to mention that. We have a young lady down at the station who thinks she’s some kind of a hot shot cop. She is, too, but she’s got the big head so bad no body can stand to be around her. She teaches hand to hand combat. The reason she was picked for the job was because she can whip any man in the station. Part of it is because they back off a little when they work out with a lady but most of it is because she’s darned good. She beats everyone on the pistol range, too and doesn’t mind bragging about it. She’s a real pain in the butt. She’d be a really good cop if she’d stop thinking she’s so much better than everyone else. She can’t work with any of them. She’s not a team player. She wants to be the whole team. She’ll either be dead in two years or she’ll be kicked off the force. Either way, we’ll lose a good cop.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“We have a community help plan for elderly people in the neighborhood. We try to teach them how to defend themselves. A lot of them have been beaten up and a couple killed. They asked for help so we’re running them through a special course. It probably won’t do much good but it makes them feel a little less helpless. Our girl was put in charge of training them in hand-to-hand and she’s doing more harm than good. She thinks it’s a stupid idea to begin with and she’s treating these old people very badly. She’s demoralizing them. I would like you to enroll in the course and do your meek little old man act then give her the works, no holds barred. Sort of like you did to another young hot shot I once knew. It will be good medicine for the group knowing that one of their kind can stand up to her. What do you say?”

“I say, where do I sign up for the course?”

Jim was sitting on the floor in a grey sweat suit with the rest of the class while Jan Cummings was giving them another boring lecture.

“This is your third and last day in the hand to hand combat course and not one of you can fight your way out of a paper bag. This will be ....”

Jim interrupted, “Why don’t you cut the crap and show us how to punch our way out of a paper bag instead of talking about it?” The class was looking at Jim with interest, So was Jan. “Well, well, well. A new student. You know, what you say makes a lot of sense. Why don’t you come over here to the matt and I’ll do as you suggested. Jim shuffled over to the matt with an expression on his face that said, “Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.”

Jan looked him up and down. Have you ever done anything like this before?”

“When I was in high school I used to wrestle some. Couldn’t beat more than half the guys but whipped most of the girls. Had a couple special holds I used on them.”

“Beat most of the girls, huh. Well, here’s your chance to see if you still have the right stuff.” Jan threw Jim on the floor three times in rapid succession. The group tried not to watch. Jim knew that if he’d been in as bad a condition as some of the others in the group, he would have been badly injured. He felt no qualms about what he was about to do to her.

Jan said, “OK, now it’s your turn. Try to repeat what I just showed you.” And he did. Three times in rapid succession. The group was cheering. Dick and another officer were standing over by the wall. The other officer looked on in amazement. “Who is that old dude?”

“Oh, Someone I knew long before I joined the police force. Keep watching, you might learn something.”

“I already have. I learned there’s someone who can whip the Amazon.”

When Jim threw her the third time she landed on her belly. Jim was on top of her with his leg behind her knee leaning on the part of the leg between the knee and the ankle. With just a little more pressure he could have ruined her knee for ever. His hands were thrust under her upper body. He had a breast in each hand. He whispered in her ear. “This is one of the holds I was telling you about. It’s only effective on women. I call it the Breast Lock. The other hold I was telling you about is one I invented while watching a friend in a bowling alley using a two fingered bowling ball. I’ll demonstrate it next.” Jan made an effort to release herself but Jim applied a little pressure and she quit. “You son of a bitch. I’ll get you for this. Get your hands off my tits.” Jim said, “OK.” and immediately jumped back away from her.

When she stood up he was about eight feet in front of her with his hands on his hips and a cocky grin on his face, which was meant to make her even madder than she already was. It worked. She came at him like a freight train. She ran at him, leaped into the air and lashed out with both feet. She intended to put Jim in the hospital. But Jim was no longer there. Jan flew through the air and landed on her back. Jim walked up and looked down at her. ”One of the first rules of hand to hand combat is not to lose your cool. When you do, you make mistakes.” Then Jim made a mistake. He turned his back on her and walked away. She came at him again and this time she made contact. Both feet, right in the kidneys. Jim went down hard. Jan knew immediately that she’d made a big mistake. Partly because she knew what she had done was wrong, hitting him when his back was turned, but mostly because of the look she saw on his face when he got up off the floor.

Dick said, “Oh S___. She shouldn’t have done that.” Jim reached out and grabbed her before she could make a move to defend herself. He picked her up and threw her across the floor toward the wall. She bounced, she tumbled, she slid, and she plowed into a rack of dumb bells. Several of them fell on her. She lay on the floor unconscious. It was so quiet in the gym you could have heard a pin drop. Now it was Jim’s turn to feel ashamed. He’d lost his cool and hurt someone he’d only intended to humiliate.

He went over and picked her up. He took her into the locker room and laid her on a table. She was starting to come around. She looked up and saw him. “Get the hell out of here you bastard.” Jim said, “Believe it or not, I’m really sorry.” She started to say something but was interrupted by the Doc. “You’d better leave. She’ll be ok. No real damage to anything other than her pride.” Jim nodded and walked out.

Dick said, “That was quite a show you put on there.”

“Yeah, a little more of a show than I’d planned. I guess I’d better be on my way.”

“I wish you’d stick around until the end of the course. You’re a hero with the rest of the class now. They’ve really come alive now that they have a hero. They’re regaining their enthusiasm. If you leave now, they’ll think you’ve deserted them and go right back down to where they were before you joined the class.

“Yeah, you’re right. OK, I’ll stay. I don’t have much to do right now anyway.”

“Good. By the way, when you go to the pistol range, don’t make too good a score. I don’t want you drawing any more attention than you have to. People might start asking questions you won’t want to answer.”

“You’ve got that right.”

Jim went in to the Coffee Cup for his morning coffee and his ritual exchange of slurs with Mabel. His coffee was already on the counter when he sat down. “Where were you yesterday?”

“I was busy. Were you worried about me?”

“No, but I would have been if I hadn’t seen you transform yourself into a buzz saw the other day. How did you do that?”

“Have you ever heard of cases where people, in emergencies, have lifted heavy objects such as cars, off of people then wondered later how they did it? It’s caused by an adrenaline rush or something. That’s what happened to me. I got mad because they wanted to take my money and got an over dose of adrenaline.”

“I’ll accept that explanation, but I won’t believe it. At least I know your name now.”

“I didn’t tell you my name because I was afraid too much familiarity would eventually lead to your luring me to your apartment where you would ravage me unmercifully.”

Mabel said a four letter word, one of the really bad ones, and walked away.

The next day the group was at the firing range. None of them were doing very well. A few hit the target but most of them were digging up dirt in front of it. This was a common occurrence with beginners. They were trying to compensate for the kick of the weapon and over compensated, pulling the gun down when they fired. It took a while to get used to ignoring the kick, holding the gun steady, and squeezing instead of pulling the trigger. Some never got the hang of it.

One of those, was a very attractive grey haired lady who was much more relaxed than the others. Jim had noticed her earlier. She was hard not to notice. In her day she must have been a raving beauty and still wasn’t far from it. Jim walked over to her and said, “Let me show you something. Hold out your hand, facing up.” She did and Jim placed his hand down on hers an stroked it. Each time he pressed his hand down on hers he felt her apply pressure against his hand. She said, “My name is June and if you want to hold my hand I can think of a better way to do It.” Jim smiled and continued stroking. Then he suddenly stopped his hand a few inches above hers. Her hand came up and slapped the bottom of his. Then he explained what he’d been doing. “That’s exactly what most people do the first time they shoot a pistol. They anticipate the kick and push against it. They usually end up missing the target completely.” One lady who must have been close to 85 was watching with interest. She said, “I think you did that just so you could hold her hand. “

”Why I wouldn’t consider pulling such a devious trick on anyone.”

She winked and said, “Bull Shit.” Coming from her it almost sounded dignified. She then added, “I noticed it wasn’t me you used in your demonstration. You picked that good looking young 60 year old kid.

“Come to my apartment tonight around seven o’clock and I’ll give you a private lesson. “

”I would but my husband won’t let me out of the house after dark. I’ll see if I can sneak out.”

June said, “Where did you learn that trick?”

“An old Chief Warrant Officer in the Navy showed it to me many years ago. I must say though, I enjoyed it a lot more this time than when he did it.”

The instructor said, “Ok, sir it’s your turn now.” She gave him a few pointers then told him to give it go. The object was to hit the life size image of a man as close to the heart as possible. There was a mark on the target showing where the heart was located. Jim said, This thing makes so much noise it makes me cringe.” He pointed the pistol at the target, turned his head to the side, squinted his eyes, and fired the full clip as fast as he could pull the trigger. Then he laid the gun down, smiled at the instructor and said, “Was that OK?”

She rolled her eyes and looked away. A voice came over the speaker. “Sargent, I think you should take a look at this target.” She picked up the binoculars and said, “Well I’ll be damned.” Jim had missed the heart completely but where the crotch would have been located, there was nothing but a ragged hole.

Mabel said, ”Well, how did you do today, Jim?”

“Not very good. Got another instructor mad at me. She wanted me to shoot the heart out of an image of a man. I didn’t even come close.”

“Poor guy. You seem to have bad luck with the ladies. How about coming to my apartment for dinner tonight. It will relax you.”

“See there! I told you it would happen.”

The next phase of the course was to send each person out on patrol with an experienced officer. Jim was assigned to Jan. Jan was not at all happy about it. She tried her best to get another partner but they wouldn’t allow her to switch. Jim thought Dick might have had something to do with it. Jim was not issued a gun. He asked Jan about it. “You don’t think we’d allow you to carry a loaded gun do you? You’d probably blow away half the people in the city and shoot yourself in the leg to boot.”

“I thought you were going to say something like that.” Jim was sure of it. That was why he brought along his own personal weapon. A small .32 caliber pistol with a specially design silencer attached. The .32 wasn’t a weapon that would stop a man quickly like a .45 but if a .32 projectile struck a man in the right spot, he’d be stopped very quickly. Jim seldom missed the spot he aimed at.

The first part of the night was actually pretty dull. Jim and Jan hardly talked. Jim tried but she didn’t want any part of him. It was easy to see why she couldn’t work with a partner. She was moody and not many of her moods were pleasant. It was a shame. She had all the makings of a good cop but her attitude nullified them all. She was going to get herself or someone else killed one of these days if she didn’t get herself squared away pretty soon.

There were a couple of family disputes and one liquor store holdup which she handled very well. In all three cases she told Jim to just stay out of the way. Then the hostage situation came up. And undetermined number of men had kidnaped the 16 year old daughter of one of the higher ranking city official. They’d already been in contact with the police by phone making their demands. They wanted the leader of their group released from jail immediately. The person they wanted released was not the type of person the police wanted to see back out on the streets. They claimed that if he was released within the next 12 hours the girl would be set free totally unharmed. If he was not released within that time period, one of them would spend the next fours with her in private. Every four hours there after, another of the group would entertain her for four more hours until eventually they would kill her and leave her body some place where it could be easily found. They couldn’t be traced because each time they called it was from a different location far from the previous one.

Jan said, “I think I know where they’re holding her. I’m going there to get her. I want you to stay in the car and keep your mouth shut.”

“You’re a real team player aren’t you?”

“No I’m not. I don’t trust anybody but myself.”

They were outside of town now. Jan acted like she knew exactly where she was going. Jim said, “Just how do you happen to know where they are?”

“I’ve been expecting this to happen every since they put that crazy bastard in jail. I’ve been doing a little research on my own. There are five of them and they hide out in a farmhouse way out here in the country. They have it rented under a false name. I’m positive that’s where they are now.

”Don’t you think you should call for back up?”

“Hell no. I’m going in by myself and get her out. I did the research, I’m going to get the credit.

“Yeah, and get yourself killed along with the girl.”

Jan pulled off on a dirt road and drove about 200 feet before pulling off into the trees and turning off the lights. It was definitely a good place to hide out. If there was a farm house up ahead it was certainly well hidden. If you didn’t know it was there you’d never find it. If they really were hiding out here, Jan had done a fine piece of detective work. Now she was going to blow it all to hell by getting herself killed trying to be a one man band.

She said, “Now you stay here. I’m going up to the edge of the tree line and I don’t want you stomping through the brush making a lot of noise. If I don’t come back in 20 minutes, call for a backup.”

“Why don’t we call for a backup then wait 20 minutes?”

“Just do as I say.” Then she was gone.

She was sitting in the in the brush at the edge of the tree line letting her eyes get used to the dark and watching for outside guards. She looked to her left and almost jumped out of her skin. Jim was sitting quietly beside her. “I told you to stay by the car. You scared hell out of me. I might have killed you. I didn’t hear you come up.”

“You weren’t supposed to.”

“I’m going in now. This time stay put.” She drew her gun, crouched down, and headed for the door. Jim thought she was about the most bull headed bitch he had ever met. When she got to the door she tried the handle. The door opened. It was all too easy. Something wasn’t right. She stepped inside and met two fellows with sawed off shotguns and stupid grins on their faces. One shotgun was pointed at her head, the other at her knees. Then someone stepped out of the shadows and said, “Why don’t you put the gun on the floor and kick it over there out of the way. She did as she was told. “That’s better. He turned and started walking away. “Get rid of her.” The two with the shotguns grinned and motioned her outside.

When they fell to the floor they still had the same stupid grins on their faces. They also had a couple .32 caliber slugs in their heads. Jan didn’t know why they fell but she took advantage of it and dove for her gun on the floor. After a few minutes of gunfire and confusion, it suddenly got very quiet. Jan stepped to the door and yelled, “Get in here and help me get this girl untied. “ Jim came out of the brush where Jan had left him. He’d hurried back right after the shooting stopped. He zipped up his jacket so she wouldn’t see the shoulder holster he was wearing and came out of hiding.

Jan was bleeding badly from her left arm and didn’t have much use of her hand. Otherwise she looked like she was in pretty good shape. Bodies were all over the floor. Her mouth wasn’t injured, that was for sure. “Get her untied then go get the car. We’ll take her to the hospital and have her checked out. She’s a little hysterical but other than that, she seems to be ok.”

Jan got a commendation for bravery and a chewing out for stupidity. All the blood was from a flesh wound that looked much worse than it actually was. She was lucky. With all the lead that was flying around that room, it’s a wonder she wasn’t dead. Her commendation was from the father of the girl. The chewing out was from the Chief who would have stopped the commendation and suspended her for a week if it was left up to him. But the father, being who he was, wouldn’t allow it. The Chief had to settle for a butt chewing. Jan got a few days off to recover from the flesh wound and the girl, who was unharmed, was home with her family. The leader of the kidnappers was still in jail where he belonged and the other five were in the morgue.

Jim was sitting in the Coffee Cup having his morning refreshment when the pretty lady came in and sat down beside him at the counter. Jim had seen her in the mirror when she came through the door but ignored her when she sat down. She said, “Hi”

Jim looked around as if he hadn’t seen her before. “Oh, hi. I didn’t recognize you without your sweat suit. You look almost human in that outfit.“ Actually she looked darned good but Jim wasn’t going to tell her that.

“I got a good butt chewing from the Chief.”

“You should have gotten more than that.”

“I know.”

Jim looked surprised. “You Know?”

“Yeah, I know. What I did was pretty dumb wasn’t it?”

“Yes it was.”

“They did autopsies on all the bodies. They found .32 slugs in two of the bodies.”

“No kidding. They must have shot each other. You had a .38 as I remember.”

“When they cleaned the place up, they found just about every type weapon you could think of, but there wasn’t a .32 in the bunch.”

“No kidding. Your guardian angel must have been watching over you.”

“That’s for sure. If I ever see him again, I want to thank him.”

“He probably already knows. How would you like to go to lunch with me? Anyone who looks as classy as you shouldn’t be eating in a greasy spoon like this.”

Mabel scowled at him. He’d probably have arsenic in his coffee the next time he came in.

Jan said, “How about going to a party with me. Our class of Geezers is having a graduation party today.”

“And you’re going?”

“Wouldn’t miss it. I learned more from you Geezers this week than I did at the Police Academy.”

He shoved a ten dollar bill under his saucer and headed out the door with Jan. He looked back at Mabel and winked. She gave him an obscene gesture.

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