The Cowpile Incident

The Cowpile Incident

by Walt Edminster

There wasn't much to do for entertainment around the small Arkansas town I lived in when I was a kid. The movie was only shown one day a week and there was no television. A big night on the town was playing the pinball machine at the Esso station until the nickels ran out. For something to do we sometimes went to one of the outdoor revivals that took place around there during the summer months. We knew there would be girls there who were just as bored as we were. We were too shy to approach any of them but we could dream a little.

One Saturday night Fritz Mason, Carson Giesler, and I went to Hatfield to a revival. This one was in a large tent set up on a wooden platform with a wooden railing around it. The girls usually went inside and sat at the back next to the railing while the boys hung around outside and made fools of themselves trying to impress the girls . Fritz was the bravest of the three when it came to talking to the ladies. On this particular night there were two nice looking girls sitting at the back so Fritz went up, sat down between them, and struck up a conversation. They not only didn't tell him to leave, they seemed to be enjoying his company. This made us a little jealous so we decided to play a joke on him. Carson, who had the most accurate throwing arm, was to stand in the shadows and throw a cow pile at the back of Fritz's head. We chose a cow pile for two reasons. One, they were easy to throw, two, there was an abundance of cow piles in the area.

Note:

The cow pile is one of natures aerodynamic wonders. Extra terrestrials discovered them centuries ago and designed their space craft after them which we now refer to as flying saucers. When thrown flat with a spin applied, the cow pile tends to curve in the direction of the spin. The amount of curve depends on the mass of the cow pile, the speed of rotation, the speed in which it is thrown, and the direction an velocity of the wind. All of these things must be taken into account if pinpoint accuracy is required, which was most definitely the case here. I mention these things so that you'll understand the complexity of the task Carson was about to undertake

After estimating the wind and distance, Carson threw with a side arm sweep which caused the cow pile to leave his hand with a flat spin. At first it looked like the Johnson family to the far right was about to get the surprise of their lives but after what seemed an eternity the spin took effect and the cow pile curved to the left hitting Fritz dead center in the back of the head.

Some cow piles are almost indestructible while others are more delicate and break apart rather easily. It depends on the amount of fiber in the cow's diet. We chose one that leaned toward delicate. When it struck it turned to shrapnel showering the two girls and a large percentage of the congregation with flecks of dry cow dung. Carson and I thought this was hilarious. Fritz didn't. He jumped over the rail, spotted Carson, picked up a cow pile of his own, and started after him shouting four letter words seldom heard at your better revivals. Carson, thinking it would add to the excitement, ran in circles around the tent in order to give the congregation a better view. Fritz, suddenly realizing he was the center of attention, broke off the chase and disappeared into the night.

During the summer we had a party at someone's house at least once a week. It was always well supervised by one or more of the mothers of some of the girls who would be attending the party. We'd start out playing a few simple indoor games while patiently waiting for the game everyone had come to the party to play; the walking game. The boys would go outside and stand in line while the girls inside the house gathered around waiting to be assigned numbers. After the assignments had been made, the guys outside would knock on the door, one at a time, and lay a number on the madam, one of the mothers, who would then sent out the girl who had been assigned that number. After the lady of your dreams (or nightmares) came out you would walk her a hundred feet or so down the road then return and deposit her back into the harem where she'd wait in anticipation for the next handsome prince to call her number. After about 15 minutes everyone outside the house knew the numbers of the most desirable, the less desirable, and the undesirable girls inside the house. The wise chaperons would anticipate this and re-assign numbers every so often. By today's standards this doesn't sound like much fun. Today the guy would have the girl pregnant by the time he got her back to the house. Back in the 40s it was a thrill just to have your arm around a pretty girl for a few moments.

Well, you may wonder what happened on those short walks down lover's lane. Not much, really. We'd usually try to steal a feel. This always resulted in our hand being promptly removed from the desired location. But not too promptly. We never got slapped though. It was worth a try every so often. If our hands had been allowed to linger we probably wouldn't have known what to do next and died of embarrassment.

Those mothers were smart. They knew that young healthy teenagers were going to end up fooling around a little. They knew that if they kept it in a controlled environment it would let us satisfy some of those youthful desires without it getting out of hand. To bad we don't have more parents like that today.