Disclaimer ~ Um, yeah, I own everything. Every last bit. Abby, Carter, heck, even Chicago itself……didn’t fool you, did I? Eh, well, it was worth a shot.

Need to Know ~ The last episode that applies to this story is Where the Heart Is. Also, it takes place around mid season eight. Abby and Luka are no more.

Feedback ~ Send me mail! I love hearing from people! greeneblob707@yahoo.com is awaiting your replies.

Author’s Notes ~ This story was inspired by Bridget’s lovely piece of writing, Mommy’s Angel. It deals with a perticular piece of information given in the story. I was bored one night and then idea hit me. It’s a “spin off” if you will.

She sat alone on a bench by the river. She didn’t seem to move at all, and she hardly made a sound. It would be easy not to notice her. She seemed to blend in with her surroundings. She wore a dark coat and a gray shirt and a pair of black pants. Her dark hair blended in with her coat and a shadow was cast across her face. She sat perfectly still, and the only sign that she was even alive was her breath that could easily be seen in the cold air.

It was a gorgeous night. There didn’t appear to be a cloud in the sky and the moon was full. It cast a beautiful trail of light across the river. The dark water seemed to shimmer and dance in the light. But the air was cold and very frigid. There was a slight breeze, which made it even colder. This was why the presence of the woman was so strange. Why would anyone willingly sit out on a bench in such cold weather with nothing but a light jacket? Only someone terribly troubled or terribly crazy would do such a thing.

She was one of those things almost constantly at that time. And although no one else did, she considered herself to be the other. If a stranger passed her sitting alone on a cold, dark bench dressed so inappropriately for the weather with such a blank stare on her face they would most definitely think she was crazy. They would most definitely look at her curiously as they passed by. But no one passed by; that was just how cold it was.

She wasn’t crazy. She was far from it. Just troubled that’s all. She was a perfectly healthy, normal woman. She just looked depressed. Her eyes were big and full of confusion and she looked like she was lost. She looked like she didn’t know where she was. But she knew where she was. She was where she always went when she needed to get away. She was where she always drank her coffee when she needed to get away from work, and she was where she had her deepest conversations. She was by the river. But the big difference about this visit was that she was alone.

That is, until he came. He had come looking for her. He walked to where he had a hunch she would be. When he saw her sitting on the bench he stopped and watched her. The light of the moon reflected off her hair and cast her in a warm glow. To him she looked like an angel.

He walked up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Abby?” he questioned.

She turned around to face him. “John” she said, looking into his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” He questioned.

“Nothing.” She said, resuming her stare.

“God, you must be freezing.” He said taking off his coat and placing it around her slouched shoulders.

“No, not really.” She said looking at him. “After a while you don’t feel the cold.” He expected her to once again turn around and stare out onto the river, but this time she didn’t. This time she stared at him. She seemed to be waiting for him to say something. “Why did you come out here, John?” she asked.

“I was worried about you. You disappeared on us.” He told her.

“Us? No, my shift was over; I didn’t disappear on ‘us.’ I disappeared on you. No one sent you out looking for me, did they John?” She asked again.

“No, no they didn’t. But I was worried about you so I came looking for you.”

“And you came here.” she stated.

“I had a hunch you would be here.” he smiled. She didn’t say anything back for a long time. He didn’t say anything either. “What’s wrong, Abby?” he finally asked.

She shifted her position and looked him in the eye for a moment before replying. She then took a deep breath in. She knew she had to tell him. She knew she needed to tell him. She could almost hear someone’s voice telling her to tell him. It was sweet and angelic. She finally responded. “A woman came in the ER today. She was pregnant. She was about 13 weeks along, she was having a girl, and everything had been going right with the pregnancy.”

He nodded his head, silently telling her to continue. “She had had 3 miscarriages before that pregnancy and she was trying desperately to have a baby. She wanted it so badly. But she was having cramps, and she thought she was having a miscarriage. And she did have a miscarriage. And when I told her she started to cry and opened up to me about her struggle to have a family and her pain of not being able to have one. And she just starting crying in my arms.”

“Then what?” he asked.

“Then,” she said, continuing, “then she started to tell me about the waiting list for adoption, and how long she has been waiting for a baby to adopt. Then she said something about the abortion rate in this county. And she said that all those people who kill their babies have no idea how much she would love to adopt their baby and make it part of her family. She said that, ‘those people need to think about the life inside them and think about what it could be.’”

Abby stopped talking all together at that point. She took a deep breath in and looked over at John. She was going to tell him then and there. She looked up at the sky for a second and closed her eyes. She seemed to be deep in thought. When she opened her eyes and looked at Carter he looked so confused and so worried. She took another deep breath and prepared herself to tell him. She once again heard the voice in her head. She then said slowly, “And the whole time I was thinking that I was one of those selfish people she was talking about.”

His face fell. She looked at him waiting for a response. “Abby…” he said quietly.

“I had an abortion.” She said.

He didn’t say anything. But his eyes did. He was obviously surprised to hear that. Why wouldn’t he be surprised? “When?” he finally asked.

“When I was married.” She stated. “I never told Richard. I never told anyone except my mother. It’ not something I am especially proud of. I was as far along as that woman was. Or almost as far along.” She sighed heavily, wiped a tear from her eye, and sat back, waiting for his response.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

“Oh, don’t be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. And don’t feel sorry for me because it’s not like it was an accident. I wanted to have an abortion.” She stated.

“I’m just sorry that you had to go through that alone.” He said, moving closer.

“Yes, well, I couldn’t exactly tell Richard. And I didn’t really have any close friends back then, not like now. There was no one to go through it with me. Besides, it was my problem, and I wanted to deal with it myself.” Tears began to roll down her cheek. She tried to wipe them away before he noticed, but it was too late.

“Abby, don’t cry.”

“It was a girl you know, my baby. She would be around 4 now if I had gone through with the pregnancy. When they told me it was a girl I gave her a name. I don’t really know why. Probably just to make myself feel better.”

“What did you name her?” he asked.

She paused and then said, “Lily. She’s Lily. I know that most people don’t name their aborted babies, but I felt like I had to for some reason. Technically she shouldn’t have a name since technically she wasn’t a person. But I like to think of her as a person.”

“What do you mean?”

“I like to think that she is in heaven, and that she looks like she would if I had given her a chance. You know, like she is an angel or something, with wings and a halo. And that she knows who I am and watches me.” She stopped talking just then, giving him a chance to say something.

He looked at her and suddenly asked, “Do you talk to her?”

She looked at him with a mix of surprise and thankfulness on her face. “You know me too well, John.” He smiled and she continued, “Yeah, but mostly I just ask her to forgive me. I never gave her a chance. She could be here now if I wasn’t so selfish. She could go to school and have friends and play like everyone else. And she could become something. But she won’t do that because I never gave her a chance. I was too scared to give her a chance. I was too afraid that I would end up having to take care of a sick child or have my child take care of me. So I killed her so I wouldn’t have to deal with the possibility that something might go wrong.”

“Do you wish you hadn’t had an abortion?”

She paused and looked at him as if she had never considered the question before. But he could tell that she had. “I don’t know.” She finally answered. “Sometimes when things get really crazy or I feel really guilty I wish I hadn’t. But then sometimes I think that if I hadn’t had the abortion I wouldn’t be working at County and I wouldn’t have the friends I have now and,” she stopped and looked at him, “And I wouldn’t have you.”

He nodded his head, understanding. She then started to cry and said, “I just wish I wasn’t so selfish! There are so many people who want kids so badly, and I killed mine because I was afraid! I was selfish and scared and I didn’t think about her. I only thought about myself when I went into that clinic that day.”

John held her in his arms while she cried. He shushed her and said, “No, Abby, no. You aren’t selfish. You were just scared. You didn’t know what to do, and that doesn’t make you a horrible person. You are one of the most unselfish people I know. So please don’t say things like that.”

“I just wonder sometimes, what she would be like.” She cried.

“It’s okay to wonder about that. And it’s okay to talk to her. But everything happens for a reason, and there is some reason behind all this. Its just hard to see.” He said, trying his best to make her feel better.

She stayed in his arms for a while. She felt safe in his arms. He understood. He didn’t judge her or tell her what to do. That’s what made him such a great friend. He just listened and tried to make her feel better. And he always did make her feel better.

While she sat there she thought about Lily. “Do you like him Lily? Are you watching now? I hope you are. He’s kinda nice isn’t he? I think you would like him. I do. He’s really special, isn’t he?”

He took her home that night. He walked her to her door. When she got inside she felt much better. She didn’t feel as sad. What he had said did make sense. Things do happen for reasons. She would always feel guilty about Lily, but she wouldn’t always feel as sad. Carter was her favorite person in the world, and she probably wouldn’t know him if she had had Lily. She would always miss Lily and always wonder what she could have been, but at that moment, she was wondering what was going to happen in the future. The future looked very bright at that moment.

When she crawled into bed she talked to Lily again. She starred at the ceiling and thought about her. “I’m so sorry, baby. I really am. I miss you a lot. Is heaven nice? I hope it is. You deserve it. I hope you aren’t mad at me. Even though you probably should be. Can you forgive me Lily? I do love you. Please forgive me.”

As she drifted off to sleep that night she thought about Carter and Lily. She could again hear that angelic voice in her head telling her to stop crying. It told her not to be sad. She suddenly felt warm and she didn’t feel alone. She didn’t feel as sad.

“I love you Lily.” She thought as she drifted off into a dream.