Summary: Tragedy brings twelve-year-old Rachel back home to her father, and Mark hopes that things will go back to the way they were in the old days. But it’s not as easy as it seems. Part 4 in series.
Author’s Notes: Spoilers from Piece of Mind onward.
Disclaimer: The characters you’ve seen before are not mine. The end.
Feedback: I’m not a doctor, I’m not a lawyer, and I don’t have the time to pretend to be. I’m just a lowly high school student with very little free time on her hands. But if you have comments unrelated to those two areas, please tell me. I’d really love to hear what you think. Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top?! I’m down on my knees begging!! Just send all comments and criticism to greeneblob707@yahoo.com with the title of the fanfic as the subject.
Mark and Elizabeth arrived home later that night exhausted. They both stopped just inside the door, taking in the surroundings that had seemed so different, so much more cheerful, just a few hours ago. They caught sight of the Christmas tree, bare and lonely looking, in the corner. They had been planning on waiting for Rachel to decorate the tree, but now they doubted they had made the right decision, anticipating a less than cheery arrival.
Things at the hospital had come to a standstill. Craig and Rachel had both visited Jen and watched the machines that helped her to breathe, to eat, to live. And yet they still stubbornly awaited the Christmas miracle that would return their lives to the ordinary way it had been before that day. Mark had given up arguing with them and begun to hope for a miracle himself. Maybe not the kind of miracle that would bring Jen back to life. He knew that was out of the question. But he hoped for the miracle that would make Craig and Rachel realize what needed to be done. He hadn’t given up on that one yet.
Mark sighed as he walked to the kitchen and put his keys on the counter. He stood there for a while looking at a paper he had finally begun to fill out earlier that day. Suddenly it had new meaning for him.
Elizabeth walked over to Mark and peeped over his shoulder. “What’s that?” she asked curiously.
“The custody papers I was filling out today,” Mark said.
Elizabeth looked him in the eyes, trying to understand what he was thinking at the moment. Was it sorrow? Was it happiness? It didn’t look like either. It looked more like confusion.
“What are you going to do?” Elizabeth asked.
“If Jen passes away, I could get full custody. I’m her father, I have a steady job, I have a stable family…”
“Full custody,” Elizabeth stated, unsure of what to say. “That would be great. If that’s what you want to do.”
“What do you think?” he asked. Full custody, for him, would be the greatest Christmas gift he could ask for. But he wondered whether it would be a selfish gift. It had taken him awhile to decide to file for partial custody. When custody had been taken away from him, he had been a mess. He had understood that he wasn’t fully fit to be a father at the moment. But as the years had passed, he had become more prepared, and he was now fully ready to make her a bigger part of his life again. He knew it would be an adjustment for Rachel, but they had talked about it over the phone and Rachel had seemed excited about the idea.
However, with the current turn of events, he was unsure how well partial custody would go over with her. She would already be making huge adjustments with her mother gone. He knew very little about her friends in St. Louis and about her school, but he knew that she was happy where she was. He couldn’t imagine how she would feel if she were to have her mother, her friends, her school activities, and her home ripped away from her in the course of a month or two. He didn’t know what to do.
“I think,” began Elizabeth, “that you know her better than I do. It would be an adjustment. But if you think she can handle it...”
“I know I could win if I filed for it. But I don’t know if that’s really what she needs right now.”
“Maybe you should talk to her,” Elizabeth suggested.
“You really think it’s the best time to suggest something like this?”
“Well, you can’t put it off too much longer. If you don’t do it, the courts will decide, won’t they?”
“I have no idea,” he said, helpless. “I’ll call up my lawyer friend tomorrow and see what he has to say.”
Elizabeth nodded. “They said Rachel was going to be out of the hospital by tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I told her she’d be coming back here. And still staying here for Christmas,” Mark said, a look of pain on his face.
Elizabeth reached over and squeezed his hand. She knew how excited Mark had been about this Christmas. He had been looking forward to it as much as a little kid. Mark and Elizabeth had never spent a real Christmas together. Last year, they had hoped to have a nice relaxing holiday at home, but obviously, a few things had gone wrong, and their plans had changed. Now they had a family to share their Christmas with, and they were hoping it would be even better. They were both disappointed that their perfect Christmas would have to be put off another year.
“Well, I’m exhausted. I was going to put him to bed and do the same myself,” Elizabeth announced. “How about you?”
He looked up at her. “I think I’ll join you.”
She smiled, and they walked upstairs to unwind from the day’s stress.
Mark was awake and making breakfast by the time Elizabeth woke up the next morning. They shared their plans for the day over bacon and eggs. Mark was planning to go to the hospital to pick up Rachel. Elizabeth, thinking ahead, had decided to go Christmas shopping for Rachel and pick up the things Jen had bought for her that hadn’t made it through the accident. The car had been totaled, and not one single gift had made it out. Elizabeth knew that those gifts wouldn’t make up for her mother, but she knew that fewer gifts wouldn’t make anything any better either. Their plan was to make everything as normal as possible. They weren’t expecting Rachel to be in the Christmas spirit, but they wanted to give Rachel the chance to feel comfortable even if she wasn’t feeling exactly cheery.
“The sheets are already on her bed, I fixed a light bulb that blew out in the room. I think everything’s ready for her,” Mark said, glancing around, as if to check everything one more time.
“Yes, but are you ready?” Elizabeth asked.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he answered.
“As ready as anyone will ever be,” Elizabeth joked.
“Did you talk to your friend about custody?” she asked.
“Yeah, I did. He said I have a pretty good chance. Depending on the circumstances, he said I could be next in line for full custody,” Mark said with a smile.
“That’s great,” she said. “No drawn-out trials or anything?”
“Nope, just some paperwork, unless Craig objects. Or if Jen did in her will,” he said, nodding happily.
“And you don’t think they did- or will?” Elizabeth asked.
Mark shook his head doubtfully. “Craig… maybe. But I don’t think he’ll put up too much of a fight after this. And I doubt Jen would go that far out of her way to make my life miserable.”
“I’ll keep my fingers crossed. You better get going. You don’t want her to think you forgot about her,” Elizabeth warned.
“Talk about starting off on the wrong foot.”
He departed with a kiss and left for the hospital, slightly nervous and worried, but mostly hopeful that he could help his daughter get through it- get through everything.
Mark found Craig just outside Rachel’s new private room on the pediatric floor. He looked up when Mark arrived. Mark could see that he was tired and wondered if he had gotten any sleep last night.
The first words Craig spoke were, “We took Jen off the ventilator.”
Mark nodded, trying not to look overly happy about it. “It was for the best, believe me.”
Craig seemed to ignore the comment. “I’m just warning you that Rachel wasn’t too happy about it. She’s not real happy in general right now.”
Mark nodded again, unsure of what to say. He wasn’t surprised by that, if he was supposed to be.
“Listen, we’re going to have to sit down some time and talk custody. I’m going to be real busy with the, uh, funeral plans,” Craig said, lowering his voice. “But sometime soon, before Rachel has to start back at school. I don’t want to drag it out.”
“Right,” Mark replied. “Sometime next week, maybe?”
“Sure,” Craig agreed. “We’ll be in touch. Good luck,” he called as he walked away, through the halls. Mark thought he was doing remarkably well for a man who had just lost his wife.
Rachel was dressed and sitting up in bed, staring into space when Mark walked in. Her head jerked up when she arrived, and she promptly harassed him. “It’s about time,” Rachel said. “You said you’d be here at eleven.”
“Hey, it’s only 11:10,” he answered innocently. She shot him a dirty look and he changed his tone. “Sorry,” he apologized.
“So, are you ready?” he asked, picking up a few of her bags to carry to the van.
“I guess,” she answered, hopping from her bed awkwardly and grabbing her crutches. She hadn’t quite been able to learn how to maneuver them correctly. A few walks up and down the hall hadn’t done her much good, as was evidenced as she arose from her bed and attempted to take a few steps. Mark watched her as if he was watching her take her first steps all over again, wanting to help, but knowing his arms wouldn’t help her in the long run. She had to learn to walk on her own. One wobbly step after the other.
The car ride home was torture for Mark. Usually, they talked about school, soccer, her school play, her friend’s birthday party, what she wanted for Christmas, what she wanted to do when she grew up. This time, Mark didn’t have the heart to bring up those subjects, knowing that she wasn’t ready to discuss such everyday things just yet. He realized it might have been a little too soon to try to bring a sense of normalcy back into her life. He wished he could have called home and warned Elizabeth to turn off the Christmas music.
Well, the weather outside is frightful… And the fire is so delightful… And since we’ve no place to go… Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Rachel arrived home to the Christmas music playing softly from the living room and a smiley Elizabeth singing along to Ryan. It disgusted her to see everyone so happy when her life was being ripped apart. She looked around at the house, decorated with Santa, Rudolph, candy canes, snowmen. She caught a glance of the Christmas tree in the corner and realized she was going have to suffer through their idea of a ‘lovely’ Christmas experience. A week ago, it had seemed like a good idea. Now Rachel felt nauseous as she thought of her old Christmas experiences. Her mom had always managed to make her laugh, as corny as her old traditions had been. Rachel had been disappointed she wasn’t going to be there this year, but she had told herself that she would get to be with her dad, which could compensate for it. Now she wished she had said no. Maybe none of this would have happened if she had just said no.
“Hello, Rachel,” Elizabeth greeted her, smiling at her. She got up from her seat and carried Ryan over to the door to give his sister a kiss. Rachel almost smiled at the big wet smooch he planted on her face, but she caught herself before it grew too big. If she smiled once, she knew her dad would get too hopeful and start to think he could win her over. Which he couldn’t at the moment. Her anger at him was still too strong, and she refused to let him win. He had already won the battle over her mother’s life, and that was already too much for Rachel.
Elizabeth tried to delve into Rachel’s head as she watched her greet Ryan. She obviously wasn’t too happy. Elizabeth hadn’t expected her to be. The red puffy eyes and tired statement didn’t surprise her a bit. What did surprise her was the gentleness with which Rachel addressed Ryan. No bitterness, no sadness came between the two of them as she kissed him and patted his head. Elizabeth was glad to see the trace of a smile so soon, even if it was only for a brief second.
“Well, I think you know where your room is. I didn’t quite realize you’d have these crutches or we could have set you up in the study down here. We can take your bags upstairs and get you settled. You’re probably hungry if Mercy’s nurses are anything like County’s. I bet you were up bright and early, weren’t you?” Elizabeth asked.
Rachel looked at her oddly and nodded, waiting for Elizabeth to continue.
“Let’s see, we were going to decorate the tree today, and I was going to make some cookies. You can just make yourself comfortable and do whatever you want,” Elizabeth said.
Mark started up the steps with Rachel’s bags, and Rachel followed to get her stuff in order in her room. Mark started to grab Rachel’s arm to steady her, put Rachel recoiled quickly. “I can do it myself,” Rachel retorted, hobbling up the stairs ahead of Mark. Elizabeth watched from the kitchen and sighed. It was going to be a difficult week.
Mark knocked on Rachel’s bedroom door Christmas Eve. The day had been an interesting experience for the three of them. Mark hadn’t known exactly what to expect from Rachel when he had gone to pick her up at the hospital, but he certainly hadn’t expected her to act the way she had. She had begun to decorate the tree with them and had even allowed them to continue playing Christmas music for a while. Except for a few snide comments about the oddity of tree-decorating on Christmas Eve, Mark had thought things were going well. Until she snapped at him and snuck- well, tried to sneak- back into her room. Later that day, she had come back down to help Elizabeth bake cookies. She had come close to a smile and seemed to be enjoying herself. Then she spilled part of the batter and the whole experience had gone downhill from there. The only thing that had been a constant enjoyment for her was Ryan. They played several games of patty cake and peek-a-boo, and Rachel had been content with him for quite a while.
Now she was in her room and, Mark assumed, preparing for bed. She allowed him to enter after he knocked. She was sitting on the edge of the bed in her pajamas when Mark entered.
“Hey, Rache,” Mark said. “What are you doing?”
“Getting ready for bed,” she told him, as if it was the dumbest question in the world.
“Can we talk?” Mark asked gently, not wanting to intrude on her private time.
When she didn’t answer, he sat down on the edge of her bed and continued, “I’m really sorry about all this, Rach.” He waited for a reaction, and again, got none. Rachel stared down at her hands as her hair covered her face conveniently. “I know this isn’t the way you wanted to spend your Christmas, and I would do anything to change that.”
Rachel turned her head and glared at him, not trusting her voice to words but wanting him to know how she felt anyway.
“You don’t believe me, huh?” he replied. “I know it’s hard to believe. That I could sit here and tell you to take her off a ventilator, let her die, and still want what’s best for you. But when you get older you will understand,” he assured her.
Rachel looked down again. She had a million clever retorts in her head, but she couldn’t make her mouth form the words. She felt empty inside. It didn’t feel like her life anymore. It felt like a dream. A nightmare.
“I know right now, you probably don’t want to talk to me about this. But I do know what you’re going through. Believe me, I know it is not easy to lose a parent. I will always to be here to talk if you need it,” he told her. She continued looking down, so Mark kissed the top of her head before departing from the room. He looked back reluctantly as he approached the door. “Oh, we’re planning on having a reading of ‘‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ in a few minutes. We’d be honored if you would join us. I’m sure Ryan would love it.”
She slowly turned around to look at her father. “I’m going to bed. It’s a stupid book anyway,” she remarked, remembering the many Christmas Eves before when she and her mother had read that very same book The only difference was that then it had been tradition, family, happiness. It had been Christmas. This was not Christmas. This was just… not fair, she thought.
Rachel sighed and flopped down on her bed, refusing to give into the tears forming in her eyes. She had no desire to go downstairs and participate in their stupid family reading. She had considered herself a member of their family before, but somehow she felt that there was a barrier now. She was excluded. But then she thought of Ryan and his little baby face that she just couldn’t resist. She picked up her crutches and slowly made her way toward the stairs. She began her labored descent until she heard voices reading clearly the age-old Christmas tale. She sat down on one of the top steps with a clear view of the family room, where Mark and Elizabeth sat with Ryan peacefully on their laps. She watched her father’s lips move and pronounce the words engrained permanently in her mind, not realizing that her own lips moved to the same words. She wanted to crawl into her mother’s outstretched arms like a child and read that story again, like the old days. A tear silently crept down her face, as she gripped the stair rail, realizing she would never sit in those arms again.