Author’s Notes: This idea was sparked by the season 7 episode "Where the Heart Is." It is related to Abby, but you don't have to like her to read it.

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I watch my mommy from far away, and I think she is the prettiest woman in the world. She is dressed all in white, in a nice, beautiful, fancy dress. My mommy smiles so big when she gets to the front of the church that no one would believe it was her. For a long time, she didn’t smile like that, and I was very sad up here. I don’t like my mommy to be sad. I told her to be happy, but most times she didn’t listen.

I think it’s hard for adults to listen to people like me. There are a bunch of people like me up here, watching everyone and everything. Most of the time, the people down there don’t even know that we exist. My mommy knows, though. She just finds it hard to listen sometimes, that’s all. She tries really hard to listen, I know. Mostly, I only watch Mommy and tell her what to do, not anyone else. Mommy is the most important person to me down there.

No one knows besides me that Mommy talks to me every night. She doesn’t talk out loud, but I hear her so clearly. She calls me Lily, and she tells me how much she loves me and asks me to forgive her. She doesn’t know that I have already forgiven her a long time ago. I tell her that a lot too. That I forgive her and that I love her as much as she loves me.

It’s funny, but God called me Lily before I ever heard Mommy call me that. She used to pat me on the tummy when I was in there, and she would ask what she should do with me. She cried a lot when I was down there. But she never called me Lily. She called me ‘little one’ or ‘baby.’ I wonder how she knew I was a girl. And I wonder how she knew to call me Lily, because I’m pretty sure God knew first. Maybe God told her. I wonder if God knows everyone’s name before they are born. I’ll have to ask him some time. You can find out a lot up here. I like it.

I think Mommy’s learning to listen to me more and more these days. She used to cry about me sometimes, and that always worried me. Now, she smiles more when she talks to me, and I always smile back. I really want to hug her, but I can’t. I think that’s the worst part about being up here. You can’t hug people when they need it the most. Mommy got a lot happier when she started to listen to me. At first it was just a little, but now she’s very happy, and I can tell that she listens to me a lot. I don’t know how I know, but I know. And I like that because it’s my job, and I love her.

When my mommy didn’t know I was still here, when she didn’t know how to listen to me, she would cry a lot. After she told Dr. Carter about me, she didn’t cry as much. That’s how I knew that she would marry Dr. Carter. I like him very much. I told her to love him. She might have listened a little. But they’re here today, so maybe she listened more than I thought she would. Dr. Carter’s the only one besides my mommy and my grandma who knows about me.

My mommy used to cry the most when she was around grandma. I didn’t understand it because I knew my mom loved Grandma for some reason. (When you’re up here, you almost always know when one person loves another person.) But Mommy kept being mean to Grandma. I told her to stop, and it took Mommy a very very long time to listen to me. But once she listened to me about that, she started listening to a lot more things I had to say. I guess she just trusted me more after that.

I still don’t understand what happened with Grandma. Grandma was very sick for a long time, and she couldn’t help what she did. Sometimes she made my mommy so angry and frustrated and sad that I got very mad at Grandma too. But Mommy always loved her for some reason, and that’s why I always told her to stop being mean to Grandma. If there’s one thing I’ve learned up here, it’s that love is very complicated. I never understand it, but I just know that if you love someone, you should never hide it. That makes a lot of people unhappy.

My mommy thinks a lot about me and what I could have been. She feels guilty about that, that she never gave me a chance. That’s why she always asks me to forgive her, I think. Because I could have been a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut or a cook, or maybe even a nurse like her. Sometimes I wonder what I would have been too, but I’m happy here, and I still forgive her. Sometimes stuff down there isn’t so happy. It’s nice up here, and it’s easier than being a nurse. My mommy has a very hard job, and sometimes I think I’d never be able to do it.

I used to think that I belonged up here because I made my mommy cry when I was down there. But then God told me it wasn't true, and that my mommy was crying for different reasons. Then I watched her for a while, and I realized that God was right. My mommy didn't kill me because I made her cry. I think she was just afraid of my daddy. He doesn't think of me much.

Mommy says she doesn’t believe in God. I don’t think she realizes that when she talks to me, she is praying. But that’s okay. I think God knows that she is praying too. God is very smart, and I think he forgives Mommy for not giving me a chance too. I think that maybe I am Mommy’s guardian angel. I don’t have wings, and I look pretty much like the other little girls down there, but sometimes I think I am an angel anyway. Even if I’m not, I will always look after Mommy. I am happy that she is finally happy.

Mommy cries when she is up on the altar with Dr. Carter. I don’t understand that because I know that she is happier than she ever was, and she is smiling so big I’m afraid her face is going to break. But I think sometimes grown ups do that, cry when they’re happy, because they don’t know what else to do. Or maybe they just can't help themselves. I'm not sure, but I don't think I would ever do something as silly as that. But if my mommy wants to do that, it is okay with me.

I hope my mommy has another baby like me. Maybe then she won’t feel so guilty. I keep telling her that I forgive her, over and over, but she doesn’t listen. Maybe if she has another baby, she will forgive herself. I think that would be nice. I think Dr. Carter wouldn’t mind a little girl, and I would have a sister. I’ve always wanted a sister. I would watch her just as much as I watch Mommy, and I would try not to ever let her get hurt. Maybe I’ll ask God to give Mommy another girl. Or maybe he already has that planned.

I know a lot of people wonder what heaven’s like. My mommy asked me one time. That’s another reason I really think she believes in God. But I don’t want to tell anyone exactly what it’s like. I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise. It is very pretty and comfortable, and you don’t ever have to worry about telling someone you love them because everybody already knows. No one should be afraid to come here because they would always be welcome. Someday I know my mommy will join me here. And Dr. Carter and Grandma, and maybe even a little sister. But that will be a long time from now.

Right now, they all look happy where they are. Suddenly, I know my mommy is thinking about me, and I hear her ask me if I am watching. And I want to scream and shout, “Yes, I am!” But she wouldn’t hear me, so I just say it quietly and tell her that I love her again. She starts to cry, and this time I think it is one of those strange happy cries. And she squeezes Dr. Carter’s hand, and they kiss.

And you know what’s funny? I cry too. Because I’m happy.