Summary ~ A story about the defining moments in Abby’s life, with a small dash of Carby for good measure

Spoilers ~ If you have seen all through season seven you’re good

Disclaimer ~ Do you think that if I owned them I would be writing this?

Authors Notes ~This is dedicated to Pix, Jess, Drumsie, Steph, ‘Nana, Jen, Raine, Sara and all my fellow Clergy members over at the forum! (Even though I technically wrote this before I ever posted!) And a special thanks to Bridget and Kevin, for reading the story! I love you guys!

Four-year-old Abby sat in the back seat of her mother’s old station wagon. Beads of sweat were forming around her hairline and her legs were already sticking to the hot leather. Her soft brown hair was tired back in two pigtails, and her short legs dangled off the seat and were several inches away from touching the ground. So she lazily swung them back and forth, each time the toe of her shoe hitting the vacant seat in front of her. She silently hummed to herself and picked the pink nail polish off of her fingernails. Her baby brother Eric, not yet nine months old, sat in the car seat next to her, whimpering and crying because of the heat.

The radio was blasting out an old Beatles song, and Abby’s mother happily sang along. "She was a Daaaay Tripper, one way ticket yeah," She sang at the top of her lungs out of tune and off pitch. "Come on Abby, you know the words!" Maggie smiled, looking at her daughter in the back seat. "It took me sooooooo long, to find out, that I found out."

Abby didn’t sing along, and she didn’t know the words either. In fact, she had never heard the song before in her short life. Instead she sang "I’ve been working on the railroad" quietly too herself.

Eric screamed and Abby winced. "Oh Abby, baby, can you play with Eric sweetie?" Maggie asked. Abby sighed and wiped her sweaty hands on her dress and picked up a small stuffed animal that was lying on the floor.

She leaned over Eric’s car seat and thrust the stuffed animal into his face. "Looky Eric, it’s a doggy! Ruff-ruff!" Abby smiled, moving the toy around in front of her little brother’s face. Eric screamed louder and Abby threw the toy on the ground in frustration. Thankfully they pulled up to the house just then, putting Abby out of her misery.

Abby popped open the door and quickly got out. The heat plastered her wet hair to her face and the sun was so bright she could barely see where she was going. Maggie got the still screaming Eric out of the car and walked over to the front door and unlocked it. Abby scampered inside as fast as her legs could carry her. Her mother had forgotten to turn to air conditioning off like she usually did when they went out, so the house was plenty cold.

She ran into her room and slammed the door. She peeled off her sundress, which was wet from sweat and threw it on a growing pile of clothes in the corner. Then she flicked off her shoes and began searching her drawers for something to wear. She pulled out one of her dad’s old shirts and threw it over her head. She pulled her hair out of the incredibly uncomfortable pigtails. Flopping down onto her bed she sighed.

She could hear her mother’s voice in her head, talking to the doctor. She was saying something about not wanting to take some sort of pills. Something about not being able to paint. Abby didn’t understand. She never went with her mother to the doctors, but that day she had to. Her dad was at work and there was no one to watch her. So she had to go with her mom. And she hated it. Why did her mom put up such a fight with the doctor? Why did she have to take something if she didn’t want to take it? She remembered hearing the words "bi-polar" being said many times. What was that? Did she herself have it? Did her dad? Did her mom? Was it something polar bears got? Was it a medicine? Like the pink liquid she would take when she had a cold? Was it a sickness? Was it the reason her mom would sometimes act weird? Why didn’t her mom want to take the pills? Why was it such a big deal? Abby’s mind was filled with questions. Questions a four-year-old shouldn’t have to wonder about. Questions that no one would answer. Questions that Abby wouldn’t ask.

Abby sat quietly on tree stump at the end of the playground. She was rolling a big blue marble around in her hands. It was smooth and cool and Abby had spent many a recess sitting on the tree stump rolling the marble around in her hands.

"Hey Crazy!" A girl shouted in Abby’s direction. Abby didn’t look up. Just then the girl kicked a pile of rocks in Abby’s direction and a bunch of them hit her in the face. "Hey Crazy, I called your name, you should answer." Abby looked up to see Jessica walking towards her.

"Me?" Abby asked, fully knowing that they couldn’t be talking to anyone else but her.

"Yes, you. Who did you think I was calling?" Jessica snapped.

"I-I, well, uh, I, my name, uh, is Abby." Abby stuttered.

"Yes, I know, but Crazy fits better, don’t you think Megan?" Jessica asked the short little blond girl next to her.

"Yes Jess, Crazy fits much better. She is named after her mama of course." Megan sneered.

"Oh, that’s right, you are aren’t you?" Jessica asked. Abby didn’t answer, and she didn’t want to. "Aren’t you?" she asked again, getting impatient.

"No, um uh, no." Abby stuttered terrified.

"Yes you are," Jessica retorted. "I asked around. Your mom is plum crazy! Why, my mom saw her in the grocery store yesterday putting up a fit over a carton of milk. Now, if that’s not crazy, what is?" Jessica sneered.

Abby didn’t respond. She didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t defend her mother because not only would it not do any good, but also Abby didn’t have anything to defend her with. Her mother did act crazy at times. What could she say?

"See, crazy here knows that there ain’t anything she can say to clear her name! Cause her mom really is crazy and so is she! Crazy!" Jessica yelled. Abby jumped. Jessica and Megan laughed and then walked off, seeing that their work was done. Abby tired to stop the tears from falling out of her eyes.

"Just ignore them," A boy said. Abby looked up and saw Jason Marley walking over towards her.

Abby sighed and said, "It’s hard to, they are kinda loud." Jason laughed and sat down next to her.

"They are just jealous, that’s all." Jason stated, taking the marble from Abby’s hands.

"Jealous? Of what? My crazy mother?" Abby scoffed, unable to believe that anyone could be jealous of her.

"Nah, they just don’t like you cause you are prettier then they are." Jason told her.

Abby paused. Prettier then Jessica and Megan? The two most popular girls in her class? How could anyone, especially her, be prettier then Jessica and Megan. Abby looked over at him. He was staring into her eyes. She stuttered out a pathetic, "You think I’m pretty?"

"Sure do," he replied without hesitation. "I think you are the prettiest girl in the whole second grade. And you are smart too. Heck if we were 20, I would marry you right now."

Abby laughed. Jason sure was nice. "Yeah, well you are the only one you know."

"That’s not true. We all think you are pretty. Even my mom!" Abby’s eyes widened. What was he talking about? "I heard my mom on the phone the other day talking to Jessica’s mom. Said something like, ‘That Wysinski girl is going to be trouble when she gets into High School with a face like that.’"

Abby smiled a real smile for the first time that day. She talked with Jason for a little longer. Then they had to go back inside for class. But that was the first day the whole year where Abby didn’t sit alone with her marble on the tree stump at recess. Jason sat with her.

Abby opened the front door of her house and stepped inside. She threw he backpack and her jacket on a nearby chair and proceeded to look through the cabinets in the kitchen for something to eat. It was then that she heard a muffled cry coming from her mother’s bedroom. Worried and somewhat curious she slowly made her way down the hallway to her mother’s room. She saw that it was cracked open and she peered through it. Her mother was in a ball on the bed sobbing. Abby sighed. What was it this time? Was something seriously wrong or was she just being over dramatic about something or other. There was never any way to tell for sure.

Giving in Abby opened the door all the way. She stood in the corner for a few seconds, waiting for her mother to notice her. She never did. Growing tired of waiting she finally said, "Mom?"

Maggie’s head shot up and Abby jumped. "Abby?" Maggie said loudly. "What are you doing here, shouldn’t you be at school or something?"

"It’s almost four mom, school got out a while ago." Abby stated. Maggie didn’t say anything. "Where is dad? Isn’t today his day off." Abby asked, curious as to where her father could be.

Maggie practically jumped off the bed and yelled, "He’s gone Abby, he’s gone forever! He isn’t coming back!" Abby leapt back, her hands trembling.

Abby looked around the room and then back and her mother who was looking at her sternly. "Where did he go?" Abby asked.

"Doesn’t matter! He’s gone for good! We don’t need him, understand!?" Abby nodded her head, not understanding but not wanting to make her mother more upset. "And I don’t want to hear any talk about him in this house! Is that understood? No mentioning him! Get it?" Maggie yelled.

Abby nodded her head and said in a shaky voice, "Yes, yes Mom."

"Good!" Maggie yelled, crawling back onto the bed.

Abby stood there for a few minutes stunned. Her mother didn’t say anything else to her. Finally Abby turned and ran out of the room and into her bedroom. She slammed the door and locked it. She then went and grabbed a blanket and sat in the middle of the floor. Her father was gone. She didn’t know where he went to and she didn’t know why. This was very complicated and very strange for such a little girl, only seven. Why did he have to leave? Was it something she did? Was it something her mother did? Was it something Eric did? Was it his job? What could have made him leave?

Abby sat on the floor of her room for a couple hours. She didn’t eat, she didn’t sleep, she didn’t move from her position. She just sat and thought about what was going on.

"X, Y, Z, A, B," Abby said to herself quietly while twisting the steam of an apple. "C," It broke off.

"Oh, Abby got C!" Courtney smiled. "Whose name starts with a C?"

"Wait!" Kristen shouted. "Abby, was it first or last name?"

"Last, I think." Abby told them after a moment.

"Okay, last name C. Whose last name starts with a C?" Courtney asked again.

Kristen giggled and smiling said, "The President’s!"

Abby made a face and Courtney laughed. "Carter! President Carter! That is true Abby." Courtney told her friend.

"Ugh, no. You can’t pick leaders of country’s or anyone more then ten years older then you!" Abby pointed out, wanting desperately to get out of the situation.

"Wait, isn’t it just that the person she is going to marry has a last name that starts with C?" Kristen asked confused.

"I don’t know, maybe. I didn’t make up the game." Courtney pointed out.

"Yes! That is it!" Kristen giggled. She walked over to Abby and placed the apple steam in her hand and said, "Abby Wysinski, you are going to marry someone with a last name starting with C!"

Abby rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, sure, I will keep that in mind." Courtney and Kristen giggled and began to walk inside. Abby stayed where she was for a few seconds. She hated those stupid games her friends would play with apple steams and cola cans. She found them so dumb and pointless. Her friends would always roll their eyes at Abby’s cynical comments and continue playing. And Abby would play with them every time, just to give her something to do. But she really hated those games.

She looked down at the apple steam in her hands and mumbled, "Yeah, a name starting with C, what are the chances?" She flicked the steam onto the ground and ran to catch up with her class.

When Abby went home that night she found her mother in the living room painting. There were cans of paint everywhere and newspapers all over the floor to keep the carpet from getting stained. "Mom?" Abby asked curiously.

Maggie looked over at the sound of the sweet voice and smiled, "Abby, baby, I am so glad you are home! Now which color do you think I should use for the sunset? This pink, or this one?" Maggie asked excitedly as she held up to paint samples for Abby to see.

"Um," Abby mumbled, not sure of what to say.

"Oh, it doesn’t matter, I can use both and create some sort of mix effect. I think that that would make it stand out more." Maggie said, getting back to painting. She continued to ramble on about the color scheme and the lighting a bunch of things Abby didn’t know or care about.

But Maggie made Abby and Eric help her. They had to hand her the brushes and clean off the rollers and paint the large sections that were just one color. At first both Abby and Eric thought it was fun. The laughed and played as they painted one part a forest green color. Maggie showed them how to mix the colors to make a different color and how to roll the brush so it would come out looking best. They were up until all hours of the night helping because Maggie said it just had to be done that night.

"Mom," Abby said while running the paintbrush up and down the wall. "Kristen and Courtney said that cause I pulled the apple steam off on C that I had to marry someone with a last name starting with C. Is that true?"

Maggie stopped what she was doing and turned to face her daughter. She smiled and said, "Oh, you kids are still playing that game! How cute!" Abby didn’t respond, she just looked at her mother. "Oh Abby, don’t worry about that. It’s just a game! It’s just a silly game little girls play!" Abby sighed and Maggie kept rambling on.

Abby finally crawled into bed that night at around one. She was exhausted, and was unable to get right to sleep. She could hear her mother downstairs singing as she cleaned up the last big of mess.

Abby didn’t have to go to school the next day. Neither did Eric. Maggie said it was more important that they sleep in and get a good amount of rest. She didn’t want them falling asleep in class the next day. "What would they think?" She asked cheerfully as she explained to her daughter why she was staying home. Abby didn’t care; she didn’t want to go to school anyway.

Maggie was manic for the rest of the week. She took Abby and Eric places and they did odd things they wouldn’t normally do if Maggie was on her meds. At first it was fun, but after a while Abby wanted to just stay home and go to school and go play with her friends, but Maggie wouldn’t let her.

Then everything changed. Maggie started screaming and crying at the littlest thing that was said or done. Abby had no idea what was going on. Eric tried to talk to his mom and figure out what was going on, but Maggie just lashed out and distanced herself further. At one point Maggie locked herself in her bedroom for several days.

Scared and not knowing what to do, Abby took charge as much as she could. She made sure Eric got to school and she went to school as well. She would steal money from her mother’s purse and ride her bike down to the grocery store and buy peanut butter and bread to make sandwiches and milk for them to drink.

One night while Abby and Eric were eating some chicken she managed to get from the neighbors they could clearly hear their mother in her bedroom crying and screaming at the top of her lungs. She would scream something then start to sob uncontrollably. "Abby, what is going on?" Eric asked his big sister.

"Don’t worry about it." Abby told him.

"What is wrong with mom?" He asked.

"She’s just sick, that’s all. She will be better soon. Now finish your chicken." Abby told him, sounding more and more like she was his mother.

That night when Abby went to bed she could still hear her mother’s muffled cries. She silently asked God to make her better and to make her stop crying. She wished with all her might that what she told Eric would happen. That her mother would be better soon. She was so afraid she wouldn’t. She was terrified that this was going to be what the rest of her life was like.

Junior High School was anything but a pleasant experience for Abby. The classes were long and boring, the boys immature, the teachers mean, and her mother more manic then ever. It was as if Maggie had chosen the two years of Abby’s Middle School career to go off her lithium and become manic. It was if it was timed.

She spent countless nights wondering why her mother couldn’t just take her lithium. She mumbled countless prayers that she would just take the medication. Day in and day out was a constant battle for her. Each day when Abby would get out of bed she would have no idea if her mother would be manic, depressed, or normal. She had no clue if her mother was going to show up at her school asking to take Abby out for the day so they could go to flea markets. Or if her mother was going to lock herself in her room for days at a time. Abby was forced to grow up. She was forced to take care of her brother and her mother along with taking care of herself. She was forced to take everything one day at a time.

One June day while Abby was in the seventh grade things reached their breaking point. School was released for the day and Abby was waiting outside the school with her good friend Jason for a couple of other people to come so they could walk home together. She sat on a bench laughing about something with him when she heard the honking of a horn.

She looked up and saw her mother sticking her head out of the car window calling Abby’s name. Abby mumbled to herself that this could not be happening. She tired to ignore her mother, but it was no use.

Seeing that her daughter wasn’t coming to her, Maggie decided to go to her daughter. She stepped out of the car and Abby looked over at her. She couldn’t believe her eyes. Her mother could not have been wearing Abby’s favorite pair of jeans. And she could have been wearing a halter-top. It just wasn’t humanly possible.

Abby quickly stood up as her mom approached. "Mom," she hissed. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to give you and your friends a ride home." Maggie smiled.

"Well, we don’t want a ride home." Abby stated.

"Oh, don’t be silly! It’s almost ninety degrees out here, you couldn’t possibly not want a ride home!"

"Well, we don’t." Abby told her.

Just then Jason stood up and walked over. "Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I’m Jason, you must be Abby’s mom."

Maggie smiled and shook his outstretched hand. "Oh, THE Jason, I have heard so much about you."

Abby’s face became terror stricken. "No, no you haven’t mom. I don’t think I have ever mentioned Jason before."

"Oh, of course I have! I hear you on the phone with your friends Abby!" Maggie grinned. Abby began to panic. Maggie turned towards Jason and said, "She is just smitten over you! And boy, you are just as cute as she says you are!"

Jason’s face was that of confusion and shock. He looked at Abby, who’s face was as red as a tomato. "You know what mom, I think you need to go. You can even give me a ride home if you want!" Abby said, trying desperately to get her mom in the car.

"What, you don’t want me around your boyfriend Abby?" Maggie asked.

Abby’s face was horror-stricken. She looked at Jason, who looked rather uncomfortable and then back at her mother, who was smiling. She leaned in and said quietly, "He’s not my boyfriend."

Maggie smiled and said, "Oh, oh I see what’s going on here. Oh, you kids are so cute!"

Abby freaked and said, "Okay, come on mom, we are going home. Get in the car." Abby ordered.

"Hey, no, what are you doing?" Maggie asked. "Why are you ordering me to go?"

Abby became very frustrated and took a deep breath, which didn’t help her at all. "Why? You want to know why?" Abby asked annoyed.

"Yes, I want to know why." Maggie stated.

"Because you show up here at my school, uninvited, wearing my jeans and a shirt that would look dumb on ME and start to embarrass me in front of my friends and start spilling about my phone conversations! That’s why mom!" Abby yelled.

Maggie’s face became stern and she looked hurt. "Fine!" She yelled. "Fine! You can hate me and you can yell at me all you want Abby Wysinski! Go ahead and hate me, I don’t care!" Maggie shouted, getting into the car. "I don’t care!!" She screamed before she drove off.

Abby stood there mortified. Never before had any of her mother’s manic episodes every embarrassed her more. She wanted to curl up into a ball and die. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Jason. Finally she turned to where he was supposed to be standing, but he was not there. Abby scanned the surrounded area and saw that he was no where in site. "Smart decision Jason," Abby mumbled to herself. "Get out while you still can."

It was May of 1983. Abby was almost 14. Things had been "normal" around the house. Normal was defined as Maggie sinking in and out of depression, becoming manic, or taking her meds for a couple weeks, then stopping. All that had been going on all year. There was a brief period in May where Maggie took her medication for a good part of the month. And for that good part things were like they should be. Everything seemed right. She was normal, and they all led a nice life. Abby thought that maybe things would get better. But then her mother stopped taking them again and cycled in and out of depression and manic episodes. It was too much for Abby to bare.

Abby had gone to her friend’s house to work on a project that afternoon. They finished the project around four, but Abby was invited to stay for dinner and she gladly excepted the invitation.

She returned home around seven. Eric was up in his room studying or reading or watching TV. Abby wasn’t sure. She walked through the family room and into the kitchen looking for her mother. Not finding her she went up to her bedroom. "Mom!" she called as she walked through the room. Abby got no answer.

"Hey Eric," Abby said, poking her head into Eric’s bedroom. "Have you seen mom?"

"She should be downstairs." He told her, not looking up from his book.

Abby gave him a curious look and went downstairs. She walked through the kitchen and into the living room, passing the garage door on her way there. It was then that she heard the sound of a running motor from inside the garage. She had no idea why the car would be on, so she opened the door. She gasped at what she saw.

Her mom was passed out on the floor. Both cars were on and the doors were closed. "Oh my God!!!" she screamed, running to her moms side. "Mom! Mom answer me!" Abby opened her mom’s eyes and noticed that they were dilated. "Oh God!" she yelled again.

She ran over to the cars and turned them off. She then opened both the doors and ran up the stairs to Eric’s bedroom as quick as she could. "God Abby, what’s going on?" Eric asked annoyed.

"It’s mom! She passed out!" Abby yelled, running down the hall. Eric leapt out of his seat. Abby ran to the phone and began to dial nine one one. "Eric, go get the neighbors, tell them mom is hurt!"

"Hello, yes I have an emergency," Abby panted into the phone. "It’s my mom. She went into the garage and turned on the cars. She’s passed out." The panic was rising in Abby’s voice, and the lady on the other end tried to get her to calm down.

The paramedics came a short while later and took Maggie to the hospital. The neighbors drove Abby and Eric to the hospital. They waited in the waiting room for what felt like forever. Finally one of the doctors told them that she was stable and should fully recover.

The rest of the evening was a blur for Abby. The rest of the week was as well. She and Eric had to stay with a neighbor for almost a month. Maggie was put on a hold and couldn’t come home for a good while.

Abby hated it at her neighbors. She would have much rather been at home with her manic mother. At her neighbors they treated her differently. They treated her like this was all happening for the first time. As if Abby wasn’t use to her mother trying to kill herself or sinking in and out of depressions. Abby didn’t need them to pity her. She didn’t need them to baby her. She could take care of herself.

They did everything for her, but they didn’t listen to her. She wanted so badly for someone to listen to her. Not a shrink, not a stranger, but a friend. She wanted someone to be there for her and just listen as she told them all about her life. No one wanted to listen to Abby. The last person that did was Jason, and he was long gone. Abby felt like she was standing in a crowded room screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs, but no one even looks over to her. She hated it there.

High School passed by in a flash for Abby, which is probably a good thing. It was filled with good and bad times. Sophomore and junior year were not that bad. But things spiraled out of control senior year. Maggie got worse and Abby felt more overwhelmed. She started smoking and drinking. Her life was a mess.

She was more then happy to graduate. She was more then happy to move away. She went to the University of Illinois and started studying nursing. She was happy with where her life was going. She was in a good school, she hadn’t gotten a phone call saying her mom stuck her head in the oven, and she was even engaged.

His name was Richard, and Abby didn’t see anything wrong with him. He treated her good, helped her with her work, and seemed to understand. So when he proposed she had yes almost without hesitation. Her head told her it was the right thing to do.

But that was all one big mistake. She and Richard were happy for about six months and then things started to go sour. Richard started to distance himself and emerge himself in his work. He saw less and less of Abby, and when he did see her he treated her badly. They got into constant shouting matches over serious problems or stupid issues.

One of those serious issues was Abby’s career. She was working as a nurse at County General, and although she enjoyed nursing, she wanted something more. She wanted to go to medical school. She wanted to practice medicine. She wanted a change.

Richard, however, was not as thrilled with her decision to become a doctor. And Abby knew he wouldn’t be extremely pleased. She put off telling him for the longest time. She made up her mind that she was going to go to medical school no matter what he said, but she just couldn’t deal with another shouting match.

But Abby didn’t have to tell him, he found out on his own. It was a Saturday afternoon, and Abby was off that day. She was making herself a salad in the kitchen when she heard a door slam. She looked up and saw Richard coming towards her with a paper in his hand. When he neared her he thrust the sheets of paper in her face. "What the hell is this!?" He yelled.

She grabbed the papers out of his hand and skimmed them. Her eyes became wide when she realized he had found her medical school application before she had a chance to tell him. She sighed and said, "My med school application."

Richard grabbed the papers out of her hands quickly. "Yeah, were you ever going to tell me about this, or were you just going let me figure it out for myself?"

She walked out of the kitchen and into the living room while saying, "I was going to tell you, I was just trying to find the right time. I knew you would react like this!"

"What?" Richard said annoyed.

"Like this!" she yelled. "Freaking out, jumping to conclusions, everything you always do!"

Richard didn’t respond to that. Instead he just stood there. Abby glared at him. Finally he said, "Why do you want to go to medical school Abby?" he asked, an annoyed tone in his voice.

"Because I-" She began to explain herself, but then stopped. "No," She said taking a step closer to Richard. "No, I am going to explain this to you like you care! You aren’t asking because you are curious, you are asking because you are pissed!"

"Damn right I am pissed!" He shouted.

"Why? Why Richard? Because I am doing something for me? Because I didn’t come and ask you first?" She asked, her voice rising.

"No, no, because you are going to waste thousands of dollars on something, when you already have a perfectly good career! You are going to waste money on something that you will probably end sucking at!"

Abby stood there for a moment staring at him. She was so mad at him she didn’t know what to do. Finally she snapped. "Forget you Richard! I am doing this! I am going to apply and I am going to go to medical school and I am going to become a much better doctor then you will ever be! Because I am actually going to CARE about the people I will be treating!" She yelled, grabbing the papers from his hands.

"Fine, go to medical school, waste all our money! But do not expect me to dig you out of whatever huge financial hole you dig yourself into! He yelled, storming out of the room.

Abby sighed in frustration and plopped down on the couch, the papers still in her hand. She thought of what Richard had said. Usually after he said things like that she would sit down and cry, but this time she sat down and thought. Instead of making her not want to go to medical school, he made her want to go more. She was going to do it, no matter what he said.

Things with Richard got nothing but worse over the next couple of months. The shouting matches became louder and the nights spent apart more frequent. They disagreed over anything and everything.

Everything basically ended when Abby discovered she was pregnant. It was a Saturday morning when she found out. The answer was very clear. A nice, big plus sign. Abby sat in the bathroom looking at the test for almost an hour. What was she going to do? Keep it? What would Richard say? He wouldn’t be thrilled, that’s for sure.

She spent several days debating the issue before finally coming to what she decided was the best course of action. An abortion. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t have the baby. What if it was sick? Like her mother. What if Abby had to spend every day reminding the child to take their medication? What if Abby ended up doing what she had to do with her mother with her child? She wasn’t sure she could handle that. She didn’t want her baby to have to live that life. And Abby didn’t want to have to deal with that life either. It would just have been too hard.

So she had an abortion. And it was the hardest thing she ever had to do. She had driven to the clinic with a baby in her, and she drove home without one. That was a scary thought for her. But she did it. She did it before she had a chance to change her mind.

So that was that. The baby was gone and so was the problem and the worry and the stress and the fear. It was all out the window. Abby put it behind her. She moved on. She didn’t allow herself to dwell on what could have been.

But there was another problem Abby couldn’t push away so easily, and that was her drinking. She had been avoiding the issue for quite some time, but it was very apparent that she could ignore it no longer. She had to get help before she ruined her life. So she voluntarily started going to AA meetings. She found a sponsor and tried to piece her life back together.

It was over with Richard. Abby had to face facts. There was no salvaging their marriage. They separated and Abby was convinced it was for the better. Most of her suffering the past few years was tied to their marriage, so it was best they ended it. She needed to move on and so did she.

~*~*~*~*~

A few years older, a few years wiser, and a few years sober she stood by the river running through Chicago. The sun was setting and the sky was filled with a beautiful pink haze. Much like what her mother had painted on her walls when she was a child. It was warm out, but there was a nice enough breeze that made the air very comfortable. It was a beautiful evening.

She looked over into the eyes of the man next to her. He looked deep into her eyes as well. They both uttered no words, but their expressions told more then words ever would.

The man next to her was special. He was the kind of person that she had hoped would come into her life as a child. He was the kind of person who would just sit and listen to her stories. He would help her without knowing it, and never push her to do what she didn’t want to do. He didn’t pretend like he knew what it was like to have a bi-polar mother, and he didn’t treat her like she was new at the game. He just listened and laughed and made her feel better. It was what she had always wanted.

So if he was so perfect for her, why was so afraid to want more? That was a question she had been asking herself for the past several months. The answer was very simple, but it took a while for her to see. It was fear. Fear had kept her from wanting more. Fear of loosing the communication level, fear of loosing her confidante, fear of loosing her best friend, fear of moving from where she was. She was letting fear stop her, and she didn’t want to let it.

Standing by the river with him, she knew what she wanted. She wanted more, and he did as well. He reached down and brushed her soft hair behind her ear. She smiled. "Abby…" he said softly. She didn’t say anything back. She just stared into his eyes.

Before she knew it his lips were against hers. She felt a surge of energy rush through her and she felt as if her heart had leapt out of her chest and into her throat. He had his one hand around her waist and the other was in her hair. She got goose bumps all over. It was a sensation she hadn’t felt since college, and even then it wasn’t half as strong.

Then their lips parted and he stared into her dark chocolate eyes. Her stomach felt like it was in a knot and her heart was still in her throat. He pulled her in and kissed her again, and then she stood with his arms wrapped around her. She felt like she was in heaven. All the problems and the stress and the heartache she had to put up with before that point was all worth it when compared to what she felt at that moment. She could have stayed in his arms by the river for all eternity as long as the feeling didn’t fade.

And you know what? The sun and the sky might have looked bright and beautiful that night, but it didn’t look half as bright as the future.