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| Your Horoscope for Today |
| Aquarius There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-a-Mole seventeen hours a day. Pisces Try to avoid any Leos or Virgos with the ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance no matter what those guys at school say. Aries The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, it'll do you some good. Taurus You will never find true happiness-whatcha gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you will wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep. Gemini Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your boyfriend/girlfriend throws a javelin through your chest. Cancer The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your drivers test. Leo Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your teacher's face. Eat a bunch of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik. Virgo All virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent--except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick. Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kinda moron not to realize that every single one of these are absolutely true. Where was I? Libra A big promotion is right around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the best medicine; remember that when your appendix bursts next week. Scorpio Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak. Sagittarius All of your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them). Take down all those naked pictues of Alice Cooper you've got haning in the den. Capricorn The stars say you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If you were, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again. |
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