Graphical adventure games are old hat now but Hentai programmers didn’t stay in class past the three weeks it took them to learn how to make a picture come up after you click on a menu choice. Now some of these programmers want to expand beyond the wonderful world of date rape simulators and have devoted their precious time to making a game about the greatest tag team in the world: La Resistance.
You start the game as Rene Dupree in Paris, France rejoicing in how great it is to be French and not a filthy, cousin-loving American. But there’s something amiss. It seems that George W. Bush has bullied Congress into passing a resolution to rename France; Freedom. He claims that after Iraq he’s going to send troops to France to force his evil ways on the peace-loving people. You can’t allow the American warmonger to get his way, so you decide to head to America to put an end to the Bush administration. First you must find your fellow members of La Resistance: Sylvan Grenier and Rob Conway. After looking around your beautiful and clean hometown you come upon Grenier in a trash heap in an alleyway. He’s confused and is cradling a German fecal fetish magazine. He keeps mumbling, “Are you sure this is how Hulk Hogan started out, Pat”, over and over again. At this point I was given a couple of choices of what to do ranging from “slap some sense into him” to “flowers are a great gift for Cindy”. I picked “rape his senses with wine” and out of nowhere Rene produced a bottle of the finest French wine and began to force it down Sylvain’s throat. After he was liquored up, he turned pale and started to convulse. Now you could either take him to the hospital or tell him that dying would play to the stupid American stereotype that all brave and strong Frenchmen are surrender monkeys. I choose the later which made him automatically got better and told me that he planned to use the American flag to floss his ass, so everything was good. Now finding Conway was a bitch. I searched Paris for five hours and couldn’t get a clue to where he was. My frustration was mounting until I found a key that let me rub my beret. Upon rubbing the best piece of headwear in the free world, I was transported to my spacious mansion located just outside of the city of lights. It turns out Rob was there all along on the toilet.
After releasing his bowel movement of mass destruction, Rob’s ready to kick American ass. At this point you can either go to Washington, DC to take down Bush or go to Iraq to defeat the warmongers doing their warmongering and get some oil.
Washington, DC: Upon getting the capital of imperialistic greed you are confronted by an army of vampire android ninja pirates in fine Italian suits. I choose to use my French wit on them and told them that it was daytime and vampires can’t exist at this time. They promptly turned into piles of ash. You realize that the only way to defeat the threat of the United States is to cripple the government. Several choices for my course of action appeared and even though “starvation strike” and “make W eat poo in front of school children” sounded good I had to go with “fight all 100 senators to the death”. The three brave French freedom fighters had to fight Daniel Akaka (D-HI) to Ron Wyden (D-OR) to make sure America could no longer make war. Most of them went down without a fight but Rick Santorum (R-PA) gave me lots of trouble. Each fight you could choice to either “attack”, “defend”, or “super secret plan”. Well, attacking Santorum was fruitless and defending just made him call Frenchmen, fags. I had to use the mysterious “super secret plan”. Using it caused Nick Nolte to drive straight into the senator. He got out of his car and upon seeing the bloody body, started crying and huffing the gas fumes from his opened gas tank. Now I only had one more thing to do, defeat George W. Bush in a debate in front of the White House.
This wasn’t hard at all since Bush kept associating Saddam with every fictitious villain he could remember and ended up playing Game Boy Advanced while mumbling something about Iraqi ghosts stealing Christmas. After defeating the mighty USA, I became the prime minister of the newly renamed: West France. But before committing myself to teaching the white trash of this nation to read and not have sex with their cousins, I took a vacation to the Bahamas to find true love.
I arrived on the beach and began talking to the multitude of sexy American foxes that inhabited it. Being a sexy French hero and conqueror of the United States that I was, all of them wanted me but I could only have one. I picked a beautiful city girl named Mary and we had sex in the shallow end of my hotel pool during kid’s swim. Many small children were scared for life during our love making. We had sex again later in my hotel room and where she fell asleep I packed my bags and left. Sex with an American was one thing but no way would I fall in love with one of those ruffians. I went back to my mansion in France and with my fellow La Resistance members had a party with many fine, upstanding young French school girls.
Iraq: