Van Helsing
The Plot:
Set in the late 19th century, monster hunter Dr. Gabriel Van Helsing (Jackman) is summoned to a mysterious land in East Europe to vanquish evil forces... evil forces with names like Count Dracula (Roxburgh), the Wolf Man (Kemp), and Frankenstein's Monster (Hensley). Assisting him once he gets there is Anna (Beckinsale), the heir of a long-running family committed to hunting down and destroying Dracula.
My Thoughts: (Reviewed by Big Pun)
Van Helsing…..where do I start with this piece of shit of a film…maybe it was the high hopes and expectations I set for this movie…but god, I haven’t been this disappointed in a movie in a long time. When I first heard that this film was being put together, I thought “what an insanely cool concept” …and with the technology and means of today’s filmmakers, I thought this is going to be one kick ass movie….
Well folks, I was completely wrong…this movie sucked some major ass….it didn’t completely suck total ass...there are some highlights that I will get to…but it sucked ass…flat out….where to start, where to start….ok…how about the story…starts kinda cool…Van Helsing is this mysterious guy who has the power and means (he’s being backed by the Vatican) to fight all that goes bump in the night…first we see an interesting back story into the Frankenstein monster and are left with this feeling like, this is all going to come back into play later down the road…then, we get an opening scene with our hero, played by Hugh Jackman, famous for his role as Wolverine, taking to the Paris streets in hunt of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde….Pretty cool visuals, and interesting fight…but I swear to god, if you really check out Mr. Hyde, you may mistake him for Shrek….sounds just like him….
We then see that Transylvania is the sight of Van Helsing’s next mission, where he must help dispose of Dracula in order for all to be right in this world and the next….very, very cool scene with our Heroine, Anna, gorgeously played by the stunning Kate Beckinsale, and her brother set out to take down the Wolfman….cool stuff….then we watch as Van Helsing arrives in Anna’s little town to help and they are all quickly assaulted by Dracula’s three flying vampire brides and the battle ensues….still pretty cool, and I am still with this movie to this point…I am digging Anna….loving the wolfman…the 3 flying chicks….cool.cool.cool….
From this point, I freaking hate the movie….the plot turns kinda bizzaro with Dracula trying to get Dr. Frankenstein’s machine back up and running so that he and his wife’s can mate and produce these pod things out of the movie Alien that need some kind of charge from the Frankenstein machine to come to life, creating only what I can describe as flying monkey vampire half breeds that are kinda similar to something out of the Wizard of Oz….It then becomes a race against time in trying to defeat Dracula in this effort….
The Characters….Van Helsing is kinda cool, but really has nothing much to his character…there isn’t much known about him, and he knows little of his own past…Jackman is a good actor, but doesn’t have much to do here other than jump, run and fight….Beckinsale’s Anna is very good and very hot I might add….then through in Van Helsing’s side kick monk guy…..sucked, so annoying…drove me crazy….
The monsters…loved the wolfman….totally believable, loved the changing, loved the viciousness….solid….Dracula….f*ing shit….too over the top for what the story needed….don’t get me wrong, Dracula is an over the top character, but in a weird sexual way….you never really see it in this movie…this Dracula is more of a power hungry dictator type…didn’t work for me….the 3 Brides…solid at the start but got very annoying by the end of the film….my biggest gripe is with good ole Franky….so freaking awful….when we see him in the opening of the movie, he is exactly what I have always envisioned Frankenstein to be….when we see him later in the movie…he still moves like Frankenstein, he kinda looks like Frankenstein with the exception of the glowing neon green brain and what not…but he certainly doesn’t sound like any Frankenstein I have ever known….the guy was a freakin genius…he must have gotten like a nuclear scientist’s brain in the operation…this guy had all the answers and new all the secrets and was like the saving force of the good guys……..It just didn’t work for me…
I dug the shit out of those old monster movies as a kid…I can remember watching them with my grandparents on a rainy Saturday afternoon….I guess I was kinda hoping to find that youthful feeling again with this movie…but it just didn’t happen…
Skip this in the movies flat out…there will be plenty of solid stuff to check out in the coming weeks as an alternative....
Starring:
Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, Elena Anaya, David Wenham
Directed by: Stephen Sommers
Rated PG-13