NO MORE PREPARATION
                                         by
                                Gregory Walter Payne
                             Registration Number: I22590
          Gregory Walter Payne
          1890 Coventry Road, Columbus, Ohio 43212
          614-486-8166
          gregwpayne@yahoo.com

               FADE IN:

               INT. FRENCH BEDROOM - NIGHT

               DERRICK MERCER, a naked twenty-six year old is having sex
               with a French woman named COLETTE.  

                                   DERRICK (V.O.)
                         This was me not too long ago.

                                   COLETTE
                         Oui.  Oui.  Oui.

               Derrick stops.

                                   COLETTE
                         Quoi?

               Derrick looks down at his crotch.

                                   DERRICK
                         Excusez-moi.

               Derrick rolls over, away from Colette.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                             (in French; Subtitled)
                         This never happens to me.

               Colette begins to get dressed.

                                   DERRICK (V.O.)
                         Obviously, something had to be
                         done.

               A jet plane roars overhead.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

                                   DERRICK (V.O.) (cont'd)
                         Four-thousand miles and four months
                         later this was the best I could
                         come up with.

               INT. LIVING ROOM - FRIDAY

               Derrick lays on an old couch.  Behind him sits JOE, a young
               looking bloke with a note pad and a TWEED JACKET.

                                   DERRICK 
                         I mean, Colette was great.  She
                         taught me some French, I showed her
                         how to meditate, but it just wasn't
                         the same.

                                   JOE
                         I want to go back to your childhood
                         for a moment Derrick.  Tell me
                         about that.

               EXT. JOE'S HOUSE - DAY

               Derrick exits his therapist's dilapidated house. Jumps into
               his compact green car and drives away.

               EXT. DRIVE-THRU BEER STORE - DAY

               Derrick waits in his car for an ATTENDANT to return.

                                   DERRICK (V.O.)
                         Only problem is your mental health
                         care options ain't too plentiful
                         when--

               Derrick is handed a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

                                   ATTENDANT
                         $5.50.

               Derrick gives the Attendant a large handful of change.

                                   DERRICK (V.O.)
                         --You pay for beer with change.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

               Joe, the therapist from before lays on the same old couch,
               now dressed in thrift store rejects and eats potato chips. 

               Derrick comes down from the upstairs wearing a dress shirt
               and a tie. He reaches the front door and opens it.

                                   JOE
                         Pick up some toilet paper when
                         you're out.  That magazine in the
                         bathroom is running thin.

               The door SLAMS.

               INT. OFFICE RECEPTION AREA - DAY

               Derrick sits next to another MAN who reads a MAGAZINE.

                                   DERRICK 
                         No, I'm not fucking my therapist.

               The man continues to read, un-fazed.

                                   DERRICK (V.O.)
                         I'm doing something much worse.

               INT. OFFICE - DAY

               Derrick faces a WOMAN INTERVIEWER, thirty-five years old, who
               skims his resume.

                                   WOMAN INTERVIEWER
                         So Mr. Mercer, tell me why we
                         should hire you?

               Derrick looks around the office for the "we," then back to
               the Woman Interviewer.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Well...

               EXT./INT. PARKING LOT/DERRICK'S CAR - DAY

               Derrick escapes into his car. "The Rat," by The Walkmen plays
               on the stereo as he drives through a large mid-western city.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 

               Derrick enters to find Joe waiting for him.

                                   JOE
                         Toilet paper?

                                   DERRICK 
                         Well Joe, I got it.

                                   JOE
                         Really?  That didn't take long.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Yeah, well.
                             (in his best Interviewer's
                              voice)
                         Training will commence tomorrow
                         morning.

                                   JOE
                         But we're going out tonight.

                                   DERRICK 
                         What?  You wanted me to get a job,
                         I got a job.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, but what the fuck do I know?

               Derrick slumps down on the couch.

                                   JOE (cont'd)
                         Hey, get up.  Pete called.  He'll
                         be here soon.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Fine. 

               Derrick gets up and walks towards his bedroom as he takes off
               his dress shirt in one continuous motion.

                                   DERRICK (O.S.)
                         I still think it's better to be out
                         of debt than out of a job though.

               INT. JOE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               A bed with no frame, a guitar and bookcases line the
               otherwise bare walls. Joe packs his stuff for the night:
               watch, GUM, cell phone. 

               Derrick enters, sporting a black jacket and LEATHER
               WRISTBAND. He hands Joe a beer.

                                   DERRICK
                         Hey, can I grab some gum off you?

                                   JOE
                         Don't have any, sorry.

                                   DERRICK
                         What's that in your pocket then?

               Joe takes out the pack of gum.

                                   JOE
                         Oh.  Those are my condoms.

               He shows Derrick that it is filled with TWO CONDOMS.

                                   JOE (cont'd)
                         This way girls don't think I'm some
                         presumptuous asshole, but I'm also
                         never unprepared if the situation
                         arises.

               Joe looks down at his crotch.

                                   DERRICK
                         What happens if she just wants a
                         piece of gum?

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

               PETE, a software engineer with bad shoes enters. Both Derrick
               and Joe rise from off the couch.

                                   DERRICK
                         Man, you're the most pessimistic
                         person I know, except for one
                         thing: what time you're going to
                         arrive.  Then, you're the eternal
                         optimist.

                                   PETE
                         Good to see you too buddy.

                                   JOE
                         Pete, we're out the door.

                                   PETE
                         One sec.  Need to use the bathroom
                         real quick.

               Pete brushes past Joe and Derrick.

                                   JOE
                         Michelle's waiting.  

                                   PETE (O.S.)
                         It's fuckin' early.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

               Pete looks at a composting toilet in a pocket-sized bathroom.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

               Pete returns from the bathroom with a grin on his face.

                                   PETE
                         I'll never get over your toilet.

                                   JOE
                         What?  I kinda like it.

                                   DERRICK
                         And what was your water bill last
                         month?

               No response.

                                   PETE
                         Fine.  Are you guys ready to go
                         yet?

               Joe looks over at Derrick, not wanting to waste time.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah.  We're ready.

               Joe follows Derrick and Pete out the front door.

                                   PETE (O.S.)
                         We can take my car.

               Derrick re-enters and turns out the light.

               EXT. JOE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Pete, Joe and Derrick get in Pete's fancy car parked on the
               street and drive off.

               INT. MICHELLE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT 

               Derrick, Joe and Pete open the back door of a run down house
               without knocking. They walk into a room filled with bikes and
               messenger bags and a heated discussion between MICHELLE, a
               red-haired anarchist and NICK, a small preoccupied type.

                                   MICHELLE
                         --Nick, they took a TV, who gives a
                         shit?

                                   NICK
                         It's the principle.

                                   MICHELLE
                         What are these people afraid of,
                         that they won't have anything to
                         tell them what to think?

                                   DERRICK (O.S.)
                         Hey Michelle, give em a break will
                         ya.

               Nick turns to face Derrick.

                                   NICK
                         Hey Derrick.  It's cool, I've got
                         to take off anyway.  

                                   JOE
                         What's up?

                                   NICK
                         Nothing, I signed up for this
                         neighborhood watch.  Some guys in a
                         truck have been stealing shit.

                                   JOE
                         Careful Nick, you never know--

                                   MICHELLE
                         He'll be fine.

                                   NICK
                             (to Joe)
                         Don't worry.  That's why I've got
                         this sock filled with D batteries.

                                   DERRICK
                         See ya Nick.

               Nick holds up his deadly sock and slips out the back door.
               Michelle turns to face Derrick.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Do you know what I'm talking about?

                                   DERRICK
                         Maybe.  

                                   MICHELLE
                         Well, what do you--

                                   PETE
                         Didn't anyone just see that guy
                         leave with a sock full of
                         batteries?

                                   DERRICK
                         Let me just give you an example. 
                         This summer when I was at the
                         Vatican museum, there were all
                         these signs right?  They were
                         everywhere.  All saying, 'Sistine
                         Chapel, this way!'  And everyone
                         was just plowing in that direction. 
                         I mean, there were signs at the
                         freakin' start of the museum, and
                         the chapel was at the very end. 

                                   MICHELLE
                         Yeah, we've become too predictable.
                         They know exactly what they're
                         doing.

                                   DERRICK
                         Curators even told me to keep
                         moving through half of the rooms
                         filled with refrescos.

                                   MICHELLE
                         It's "Frescos."

                                   DERRICK
                         Shit, see what I mean.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Don't sweat it.  Next time just do
                         the opposite of whatever some sign
                         tells you and you'll be fine.

                                   DERRICK
                         I learned right there you gotta do
                         more than that.  You gotta get into
                         these people's heads, learn their
                         tricks to be more prepared.  

                                   PETE
                         I need a drink.

               INT. PETE'S CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT 

               Pete drives. Derrick sits in the passenger seat. Joe and
               Michelle are in the back. 

               Pete turns on the air conditioning.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Can you turn that off back here?

                                   PETE
                         What?

                                   MICHELLE
                         The A/C.

                                   PETE
                         What's the problem?

                                   MICHELLE
                         Well, I feel like crap.  The two
                         extremes.  You know?

                                   PETE
                         In a minute.  I'm starting to
                         sweat.

                                   MICHELLE
                         What's so bad about having a smell? 
                         I haven't worn deodorant in years.  

                                   PETE
                             (under his breath)
                         Shocker.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Corporate America wants us to cover
                         up our smell, simply because it
                         wants us to be afraid of our
                         sexuality.

                                   PETE
                         Huh?

                                   MICHELLE
                         Each human smell is unique and
                         attracts mates.  And since sex is
                         still a free commodity, America
                         doesn't want us to smell.

               Pete turns off the A/C a little too quickly.

                                   JOE
                         Free to most at least.

                                   MICHELLE 
                         You might as well get used to it,
                         cause there's no way people can
                         live in a completely air
                         conditioned world.

                                   DERRICK
                         Well in Berlin, at this one
                         building they just air conditioned
                         the entire walkway. 

                                   JOE
                         That's not so bad.

                                   DERRICK
                         It was outside.  Like just a roof
                         with no walls.  It was kinda
                         disgusting.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Disgusting, that's downright
                         terroristic.  Think of all the coal
                         that needs to be extracted to
                         produce that electricity, the
                         toxins that get released when it's
                         burned, not even mentioning the
                         potential blackouts that could
                         occur if everyone did the same.

                                   PETE
                         How the fuck do you travel so much
                         Derrick?  You don't even have a
                         job.

                                   JOE
                         Not true.  He got one today.

                                   PETE
                         Ah, congratulations.

                                   MICHELLE
                             (to herself)
                         Yeah right.

                                   DERRICK
                         Thanks.  I start tomorrow.  It's
                         simple though really.  When you
                         stay out all night, sleep on
                         trains, and eat bread and cheese;
                         the dollar goes pretty far. 
                             (not missing a beat)
                         Take a left.

               EXT. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

               Pete's car pulls into a parking lot. Bright lights can be
               seen in the distance.

               INT. TABULA ROSA CLUB - ENTRANCE - NIGHT 

               MANNEQUINS clothed in high fashion adorn various runways and
               line the all WHITE WALLS of the club. "Olio," by The Rapture
               spins from the DJ booth. Derrick, Michelle, Pete and Joe
               enter and walk up to the bar past heaps of HIPSTERS.

                                   PETE
                         Who is that chump?

                                   DERRICK
                         Who?

                                   PETE
                         That chump over there with that hot
                         chick.

               They reach the--

               BAR AREA

               Derrick turns to where Pete is pointing. Joe orders a drink.

                                   DERRICK
                         How am I suppose to know?  Really
                         Pete, women like that are destined
                         to end up with guys like that,
                         cause guys like you never approach
                         them and let them know there's an
                         alternative.

                                   PETE
                         Whatever.

                                   DERRICK
                         No.  Those guys you call 'chumps,'
                         those are the guys that actually do
                         go up to women.  So either do
                         something about it or keep quiet. 

               Joe nods.

                                   PETE
                         I don't see either of you
                         contributing to the cause.

               Joe pays for his drink. He hands Derrick a glass of water.

                                   JOE
                         My problem is, I just can't seem to
                         get over this hump that holds me
                         back when I'm thinking about going
                         up to a woman.

                                   DERRICK
                         See, I've found that the moment
                         after you've thought you should
                         have gone in, is the exact moment
                         its become too late.  Dogs may be
                         able to smell fear, but women can
                         definitely smell hesitation.

               Michelle rolls her eyes.

                                   JOE
                         So what do you suggest?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't even think you can meet 
                         women at bars anymore, they've just
                         got so much armor on when they go
                         out, so why even try?

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, but I think more importantly
                         I grow a goatee when I meet girls
                         that hate facial hair, and I'm
                         clean shaven when I meet girls that
                         like beards.  
                             (trailing off)
                         Or maybe I'm just doomed to be
                         alone, or this is just something I
                         have to suffer through for the
                         right woman to come around?  
                             (rising again)
                         But if I ever do find love again
                         will I be able to appreciate it, or
                         will I just think she loves the
                         idea of me?

                                   MICHELLE
                         I'm out of here.  This place is way
                         too boushie for me.  I'll be at the
                         diner.  

               Michelle vacates the club.

                                   DERRICK (O.S.)
                         Yeah, something tells me we won't
                         be here for too much longer either. 

                                   JOE
                         Fine, I'll make an effort tonight.

               Derrick and Joe both look at Pete.

                                   PETE
                         Don't worry about me.

               INT. TABULA ROSA CLUB - DANCE AREA - NIGHT

               Joe walks up to an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN standing near the dance
               floor.  

                                   JOE
                         Hi.  Sorry.  I hate meeting at
                         bars.  Here's my number.  Give me a
                         call if you're ever going to the
                         bookstore, or the park and maybe we
                         could meet there. 

               Joe walks away and then turns back to the Woman.

                                   JOE (cont'd)
                         Oh, my name's Joe. 

                                   ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
                         I don't want your fucking number! 
                         Who the hell do you think I am?

                                   JOE
                         My mistake.

               INT. TABULA ROSA - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER

               Joe walks up to Derrick who has been joined by a RACHEL, a
               red-haired woman.

                                   JOE
                         Can we get the fuck out of here
                         now?

               Joe realizes that Derrick is not alone.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sure.  Pete's around here
                         somewhere.

               Derrick jumps up and turns to Rachel.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         It was pleasure meeting you Rachel. 
                         Good luck with your catering
                         business.  

                                   RACHEL
                         Maybe we could--

               Derrick is gone. Joe remains, at a loss for words.

               INT. TABULA ROSA - DANCE AREA - MOMENTS LATER

               Pete sees Derrick approach as he talks to SARAH, a nervous
               woman with a cosmopolitan.

                                   SARAH
                         You won't call me.  Why would you
                         call me?

                                   PETE
                         Of course I'd call.

                                   SARAH
                         No.

                                   PETE
                         I've really enjoyed talking with
                         you.

                                   SARAH
                         I don't believe you.

                                   PETE
                         Why would I ask for your number if
                         I wasn't going to call?

               Sarah thinks for a moment, then dives into her purse and
               looks for a pen. Pete looks up at Derrick. Derrick points to
               the front door. Pete holds up the "one sec" finger and mock
               slaps Sarah's ass. Derrick turns and walks away disappointed.

               EXT. CROWDED STREET - NIGHT

               Derrick, Joe and Pete exit the club. The sidewalk is filled
               with STREET VENDERS who sell hot dogs and DRUNK KIDS who buy
               them.

                                   PETE
                         Where to now?

                                   DERRICK
                         We could meet up with Michelle?

                                   PETE
                         How the hell do you guys even know
                         her?

                                   JOE
                         She used to date Derrick's older
                         brother.  Before he moved out West.

                                   DERRICK
                         You guys wanna race?

                                   PETE
                         What?

                                   DERRICK
                         A race.

                                   JOE
                         I don't see any tracks around here.

                                   PETE
                         I don't exactly want to throw up
                         tonight.

                                   DERRICK
                         What?  You're the ones always
                         saying we never do anything.

                                   PETE
                         Is running really considered
                         something?

                                   DERRICK
                         Come on.

                                   JOE
                         I just don't want to look like a
                         dick.

                                   DERRICK
                         We'll be running, they'll be
                         walking.  You do the math.

                                   PETE
                         Fine, where to?

                                   DERRICK
                         The car?  

                                   JOE
                         Sure.  

               Derrick and Joe begin to stretch.

                                   PETE
                         Ready-set-go.

               Pete takes off running. Joe and Derrick look at each other
               then chase Pete down the busy sidewalk. 

               INT. PETE'S CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT

               Derrick drives. Pete sits in the passenger seat. Joe is in
               the back.

                                   PETE
                         So, how did it go for everyone?

                                   JOE
                         Don't ask.

                                   PETE
                         Well, I met this one chick.  A
                         little skittish, but she seemed
                         alright.

                                   JOE
                         Did you get her number?

                                   PETE
                         Of course, her name's-

                                   DERRICK
                         Can I see it?

                                   PETE
                         What?

                                   DERRICK
                         The number.

                                   PETE
                         Why?

                                   DERRICK
                         Just let me see it real quick.

               Pete hands Derrick the number. Derrick rolls down the window
               and tosses it out.

                                   PETE
                         Why the fuck did you do that?

                                   DERRICK
                         Lets just chalk it up to a self
                         fulfilling prophecy and be done
                         with it.

                                   PETE
                         Turn around!

                                   DERRICK
                         Trust me, it'll be alright.

                                   PETE
                         No, turn around!  

                                   DERRICK
                         Alright Pete.  Seriously, you don't
                         need someone so insecure she can't
                         even believe a guy like you would
                         call her.

                                   PETE
                         Thanks.  Come on.  Turn around.

                                   DERRICK
                         Hold up.  This way you can both
                         learn something.  You learn to not
                         waste your time with women that are
                         insecure, and she learns to not be
                         insecure.

                                   PETE
                         How the fuck's that work?

                                   DERRICK
                         I can't say for certain, but she'll
                         either wake up and get pissed and
                         not give out her number anymore--

                                   PETE
                         Great.

                                   DERRICK
                         --Or she'll wake up and realize
                         it's her own damn fault for being
                         insecure and she'll work on that.

                                   PETE
                         How's either of those help me?

                                   DERRICK
                         K, next time you ask a woman for
                         her number, don't even make it a
                         question.

                                   PETE
                         Okay?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, just say something like, 'oh,
                         you like music, there's this great
                         band playing next week.  We should
                         go.' And she'll either be like,
                         'I'm an insecure little girl,' or
                         'Yeah, here's my number.'

                                   JOE
                         I've got to piss.

               EXT. THE PLACE - PARKING LOT - NIGHT

               Joe hops out of the car and runs around a corner. Derrick and
               Pete get out of the car and walk towards a diner entrance
               past a GROUP OF WOMEN.

                                   DERRICK
                             (to the Group of Women)
                         Looks like you all had fun tonight. 
                         You all go any place special?

                                   GROUP LEADER
                         Yeah, nothing great, how bout you?

                                   DERRICK
                         Some place called Tabula Rosa, ever
                         heard of it?

                                   GROUP LEADER
                         No, is it good?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, it's alright.  If you like to
                         dance.

                                   GROUP LEADER
                         Were all the girls at the club hot?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I guess.

                                   PETE
                         Not as hot as you guys though.

                                   GROUP LEADER
                             (to Derrick)
                         Were they all young and stuff?

                                   DERRICK
                             (losing interest)
                         Not exactly.

                                   GROUP LEADER
                         How old do you think I am?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't really know, but you ladies
                         have a good night.

               Derrick heads towards the entrance.  Pete sticks around.

               EXT. THE PLACE - ENTRANCE - NIGHT

               Pete walks up to Derrick, who has been waiting for him.

                                   PETE
                         That was a complete waste of time.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, sorry I didn't grab you.  I
                         thought you were right behind me.

                                   PETE
                         Not quite.

                                   DERRICK
                         You've got to learn to realize when
                         girls like that are just fishing
                         for compliments.

                                   PETE
                         No shit, that's all they did after
                         you left.  I went along with it for
                         a while, then they just took off.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, girls like that can't respect
                         guys that actually do what they
                         want. 

                                   PETE
                         She did ask about you though.

                                   DERRICK
                         That doesn't really count.  She was
                         only interested in me cause I
                         walked away.

                                   PETE
                         I'll have to remember that one.

                                   DERRICK
                         What?  No.  I would never date
                         someone like that.

               INT. THE PLACE - NIGHT

               Michelle and Joe sit on cushions inside a large fireplace
               that faces a coffee table. "Green Grass of Tunnel," by Mum
               plays in the background. Michelle sips a coffee. 

                                   MICHELLE
                             (excitedly)
                         It's totally understandable why
                         there aren't as many new
                         philosophies coming out as there
                         used to be.

                                   JOE
                         Why's that?

               A SERVER approaches. Michelle clams up.

                                   SERVER
                         You want me to freshen that up for
                         you?

                                   MICHELLE
                             (to Server)
                         No, I'm set.

               The Server leaves.

                                   MICHELLE (cont'd)
                             (ramping back up)
                         See, we've simply become too
                         invested in this current way for
                         others to have any chance of
                         emerging.  I mean, how do you de
                         throne consumerism?

                                   JOE
                         I guess.

                                   MICHELLE
                         There's no 'I guess' Joe.  America
                         used to want us to be independent
                         so we could survive on the range,
                         now America just wants us to be
                         independent so we buy our own lawn
                         mowers.

               Derrick and Pete walk in and sit down.

                                   MICHELLE (cont'd)
                         So, who won the race?

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh, I don't remember.  I'm
                         starving.  Where's the server?

               LATER

               Michelle, Pete and Joe drink coffee. Derrick drinks a water.

                                   DERRICK
                         What's this server's deal? 

                                   MICHELLE
                         What?

                                   DERRICK
                         Nothing, but does he have to say;
                         'Is there anything else that I can
                         get for you tonight?'
                         When:...'Good?'...would suffice?

                                   MICHELLE
                         Don't be an ass.

                                   JOE
                         Hold on, I could see it.  When they
                         first walk up and introduce
                         themselves and ask what you want,
                         they could be like:
                             (pointing at himself)
                         Joe.
                             (gesturing to the rest of
                              the table)
                         Ready?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, all I'm saying is that when
                         I'm out with my friends or
                         girlfriend I want to be talking to
                         them.  I'm sure our server wouldn't
                         mind.

               Pete pours MILK into his coffee.

                                   MICHELLE
                         You know that THAT milk has blood
                         in it?

               Pete looks into his glass.

                                   DERRICK
                         Spare us Michelle.  I don't
                         remember giving you--

                                   JOE
                         Did you know, 'wet nurse' means
                         'wet.'  Like they give their own
                         breast milk to someone else's baby?

                                   PETE
                         That's fucked up.

                                   JOE
                         I had no idea either.  It's amazing
                         what they don't explain to you
                         growing up.

               LATER

               Food has been served. Everyone eats. 

                                   MICHELLE
                         I want to go to Ceader Point soon,
                         but forget paying, I'm just going
                         to hop the fence.

                                   DERRICK
                         You know, there wouldn't be any
                         amusement parks if no one paid.

                                   MICHELLE
                         They don't need my money.

                                   DERRICK
                         Have you ever heard of a communist
                         amusement park?

                                   MICHELLE
                         No.

                                   DERRICK
                         That's because they suck, no one
                         ever goes to them.  

                                   MICHELLE
                         Ha, ha.

                                   DERRICK
                         I mean if you have a problem with
                         people making money off theme
                         parks, don't go. 

                                   MICHELLE
                         Fine.

                                   DERRICK
                         No, I think it interesting that you
                         wanted to go there in the first
                         place.  

                                   MICHELLE
                         Okay.

                                   DERRICK
                         I mean, who gives a shit if you're
                         thrown a hundred miles an hour
                         through the air?

                                   MICHELLE 
                         Thanks for making me look like a
                         dick.

                                   DERRICK
                             (smiling)
                         Anytime.

               Derrick spreads his knife across the cream cheese on his
               plain bagel and makes a leaf pattern design.

                                   MICHELLE
                         What are you doing?

                                   DERRICK
                         Nothing.  I just thought it looked
                         neat.

                                   JOE
                         My arm. 
                             (shakes arm vigorously)
                         Dammit, it just fell asleep.  I've
                         gotta get home soon.  

                                   DERRICK
                         That happens to me sometimes, but
                         usually I'll realize my arm is
                         going numb, but I just don't do
                         anything about it.  

                                   PETE
                         Sounds like my last job.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Sounds like my last relationship.

               LATER

               The plates have been cleared.

                                   PETE
                         So, did you get one of those train
                         passes when you went through
                         Europe?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah.

                                   PETE
                         You ever get to ride first class?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah.

               Michelle gives Derrick a confused look.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         What?  All the second class seats
                         were booked.  

                                   PETE
                         How was it though?

                                   DERRICK
                         What, first class?  

                                   PETE
                         Yeah.

                                   DERRICK
                         It's not so hot.  

                                   PETE
                         How come?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, first off, you've got to deal
                         with rude mother fuckers, and if
                         they're not openly rude to you,
                         they're blabbing about some
                         necklace they just got, and all the
                         precious and semi-precious stones
                         that are in it.  

                                   MICHELLE
                         Yeah, we're not missing anything.

                                   PETE
                         I don't know, maybe you could be
                         different.

                                   MICHELLE
                         That's a grand illusion.  

                                   PETE
                         Really?

                                   MICHELLE
                         Yeah, people always tell themselves
                         that on the way up.  Meanwhile
                         their friends are like, 'what
                         happened to that fricking guy, I
                         never see him anymore.  And when I
                         do, he never shuts up about what
                         country his shoes come from.'

                                   DERRICK
                         I used to think people that carried
                         certain purses, or wore black
                         combat boots were trying to belong
                         to certain groups.

                                   MICHELLE
                         And?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well lately, I've been thinking,
                         mostly since I started wearing
                         this:
                             (points to leather
                              wristband)
                         That people don't do this because
                         they want to belong to certain
                         groups, but because they want to
                         NOT belong to others.  
                         I wear this.
                             (holds up wristband)
                         I am NOT square.'

                                   MICHELLE
                         You can't really compare the two.

                                   DERRICK
                         How come?  I think these rich fucks
                         get this stuff and say, 'Look at
                         this nice watch, I am NOT poor.' 

                                   MICHELLE
                         Yeah, but--

                                   DERRICK
                         I just know I got tired of waiting
                         for others to NOT judge me on what
                         I was wearing.

               Derrick plays with his wristband.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Which is kind of ironic, cause I'm
                         trying to present myself as NOT
                         selling out.

                                   JOE
                         K, I'm officially calling it.  I've
                         gotta get home.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

               Joe enters and goes straight to his room. Pete and Derrick
               enter and linger in the living room.

                                   PETE
                         Thanks for letting me crash here. 
                         I'll be out of here early, so don't
                         worry.

                                   DERRICK
                         You can thank Joe in the morning. 
                         Not my house remember.

               Pete slumps onto the couch. Derrick turns to go to his room.

                                   PETE (O.S.)
                         You can't let them know how much
                         you like them.

                                   DERRICK
                         Who?  What, women?

                                   PETE
                         Of course.  You always have to stay
                         dominant.

                                   DERRICK
                         Okay?

                                   PETE
                         No!  You can't let them know how
                         much you like them.

               Derrick sits down. Pete reaches in his pocket like he's
               searching for a cigarette, but doesn't find one.

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         My problem is I'm mostly attracted
                         to slutty women, but once I have
                         them, I usually don't like them
                         enough to stick around.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I guess that way you only
                         have to worry about being good in
                         bed.

                                   PETE
                         And if I really do like them, they
                         dump me.  That's why you've got to
                         stay in control all the time.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sounds comforting.

                                   PETE
                         Fine, I just don't want to lose
                         some girl cause she doesn't find me
                         attractive cause she thinks I'm
                         weak.

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh, big frickin' deal.  Would
                         losing someone like that really be
                         the end of the world?

               No response.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Maybe you just need get out of the
                         bar scene for a while.

                                   PETE
                         I don't know, maybe.

               Derrick gets up from the couch.

                                   DERRICK
                         I've gotta crash.  I start my new
                         job in the morning, remember?

               Derrick walks towards his room.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SATURDAY MORNING

               Derrick quietly walks towards the front door past Pete, who
               is still asleep on the couch.

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - DRIVING - MORNING

               Derrick pulls away from Joe's house and sings along to
               "Expectations," by Belle and Sebastian on the stereo.

                                   DERRICK
                             (singing)
                         Monday morning wake up knowing that
                         you've got to go to school--

               INT. MANSION - FOYER - DAY

               A doorbell RINGS.  An ELDERLY MAN opens the front door.
               Derrick extends to him a catalog on a clipboard.

                                   DERRICK
                         Good day sir.  Are you tired of
                         waiting for that someone special?

               Silence.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Fuck this.

               Derrick turns and quickly walks away.

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - DRIVING - EVENING

               "Expectations," by Belle and Sebastian continues to play on
               the stereo.

                                   DERRICK
                             (singing)
                         --Tell your mum what to expect, she
                         says it's right out of the blue.

               Derrick pulls back in front of Joe's house. Parks his car and
               gets out.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

               Derrick and Joe sit at the kitchen table. 

                                   JOE
                         What's wrong with you?  Why can't
                         you keep a job?

                                   DERRICK
                         I'll think it might be something
                         physical, or maybe mental.  I'm not
                         really sure.

                                   JOE
                         Well, go see a doctor then.

                                   DERRICK
                         Can't.  Don't have insurance, don't
                         have a job.

                                   JOE
                         Just get a job at the music store
                         or something.

                                   DERRICK
                         And what, sell people things they
                         don't need?

                                   JOE
                         Then I guess a job in advertising
                         is out.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, sales clerks don't get em in
                         the door, they just ring em up.  

               Derrick picks at the table.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         No offense.

                                   JOE
                         Hey, I like my job.  Alright, what
                         about the medical field?

                                   DERRICK
                         What that racket?  'Put some ice on
                         it.  'Get some rest.'  'Pay me a
                         hundred bucks.'  I don't think so.

                                   JOE
                         You just got done saying you might
                         have a medical problem.

                                   DERRICK
                         Ah hu, but I think it's more of a
                         mental thing.  So fine, psychiatry,
                         in.

                                   JOE
                         Well, then what do you want to do?

                                   DERRICK
                         I want.  No I need a job where I
                         can help people to be better
                         people.

                                   JOE
                         Well, what kinda jobs are out there
                         for that?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, that's sorta the problem.

                                   JOE
                         K, what about being a teacher?

                                   DERRICK
                         My mom was a teacher.  She was
                         always saying how the state told
                         her what she could and couldn't
                         teach.  Not for me.

                                   JOE
                         Then what?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, my dad was an architect.  I 
                         guess you could say, I feel I'm
                         destined to combine my parents' two
                         professions on a grander scale.

                                   JOE
                         That's fucking great Derrick.

               Derrick stands up from the table.

                                   DERRICK
                         I think I'm going to go take a nap.

               Derrick marches towards his room. Joe watches in confusion.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               The phone RINGS. A light turns on. The room is filled with
               bookcases and pictures from Derrick's travels.
               Derrick walks to the phone, half asleep. Slaps himself like
               he's expecting a call back about a job and picks up the
               phone.

                                   DERRICK
                             (professionally)
                         Hello, this is Derrick Mercer.

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         And this is Pete you fuckface.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, what'da you want?

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         Nothing.  I just wanted to see how
                         the job went, that's all.

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh.  I quit.

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         Really?

                                                         FLASH BACK TO:

               INT. OFFICE - DAY

               Derrick faces the Woman Interviewer.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I think I just have the wrong
                         skill sets or something.

                                   WOMAN INTERVIEWER
                         Well, why don't you just give it
                         another day?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't think that would make any
                         difference.

                                   WOMAN INTERVIEWER
                         Fine!  Have it your way.

                                                           CUT BACK TO:

               INT. PETE'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Pete holds his phone in his posh apartment.

                                   PETE 
                         I'm sure you'll find something
                         else.

                                   DERRICK (FILTERED O.S)
                         We'll see.

                                   PETE
                         Well about that.  I was thinking
                         you could maybe help me find a
                         girlfriend, and I could help you
                         find a job.

                                   DERRICK (FILTERED O.S.)
                         God no.

                                   PETE
                         Come on, I'm desperate.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

                                   DERRICK
                         Hold on, how did you know I'd quit?

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.) 
                         Just a hunch.  

               Beat.

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S) (cont'd)
                         So you up for getting started
                         tonight?

                                   DERRICK
                         It is Saturday.

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT

               Derrick is behind the wheel. Pete sits in the passenger seat.

                                   DERRICK
                         Okay, so when you go out you need
                         to be very observant.  Take
                         everything in.

                                   PETE
                         I'm observant.

                                   DERRICK
                         Maybe so, but you need to realize
                         that women are the masters of
                         observation.  They hear and see
                         everything.

                                   PETE
                         What, you're scared of women?

                                   DERRICK
                         No, but when you overhear a woman
                         tell your girlfriend 'he must
                         really like you, he didn't look at
                         one other woman the entire night,'
                         you come to realize that women
                         don't fuck around when it comes to
                         noticing what men do, say, or look
                         at when they're out.
                             (looking out the window)
                         We're here.  You sure you want to
                         go back to some bar?

                                   PETE
                         Of course.

               INT. SCOTT'S PLACE - NIGHT

               Derrick and Pete enter a bar that is filled with underage
               COLLEGE-AGE KIDS who bought entrance with fake IDs.  

                                   PETE
                         So what else?  

                                   DERRICK
                         I'm getting there.  You've got to--

                                   PETE
                         Hold that thought.  I'll be right
                         back.

               Pete strides over to a BLOND WOMAN and strikes up a
               conversation. A MUSCULAR MAN appears from out of the
               bathroom, pushes Pete out of the way and puts his arm around
               the Blond. 

               Pete quickly retraces his steps, under the watchful eyes of
               the EVERY OTHER WOMEN in the bar.

                                   PETE
                         You were saying?

                                   DERRICK
                         Take a look around.

                                   PETE
                         Why?

                                   DERRICK
                         Just do it.

               Pete takes a look around and sees nothing.  

                                   PETE
                         What?

                                   DERRICK
                         Every woman in this bar
                             (measuring with his
                              finger)
                         is that much less likely to let you
                         approach them right now.  

                                   PETE
                         So?

                                   DERRICK
                         Next time, just give it five
                         minutes.

               Derrick takes one last look around.

               EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

               Derrick and Pete walk down the street.

                                   DERRICK
                         I think it goes back to the whole
                         propagation of the species thing. 
                         The simple fact is; women have to
                         invest a whole hell of a lot more
                         into having a baby than a man, so
                         naturally--

               INT. RAIN CAFE - ENTRANCE - NIGHT 

               Plastic rain drops appear to drip off the ceiling. The dance
               area is clear with wave-like seats built into the floor
               surrounding it. "Disposable Parts," by Enon plays. Derrick
               and Pete enter as A RICH MAN and a YOUNG WOMAN exit.

                                   PETE
                         Who convinced women that if we
                         don't spend money on them, we don't
                         give a shit?

                                   DERRICK
                         Totally.  I say spend your time and
                         creativity planning something
                         special.
                             (turning away)
                         It's the same with Generic drugs.

                                   PETE
                         How the fuck are generic drugs and
                         women the same?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, generic drugs give you the
                         same or better results as expensive
                         ones, but people still think
                         they're shit.  

                                   PETE
                         Okay?

                                   DERRICK
                         Same thing with labels of clothing.  

                                   PETE 
                         Yeah, I guess.  Cause really,
                         what's the difference between these
                         jeans and Diesel?

                                   DERRICK
                         Having to work overtime for three
                         days.  

               Pete laughs.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Cause I really don't think the CEO
                         of Abercrombie and Fitch gives a
                         shit if I look good in their
                         clothes.  They only care if I think
                         I look good in them.

                                   PETE
                         I'm positive they care. 

                                   DERRICK
                         Really?

                                   PETE
                         Of course.  They want you to be a
                         repeat customer.  That's where the
                         real money is.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Funny.

                                   PETE 
                         That's why they try so hard to hook
                         you at an early age.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, before you move out of your
                         parents' house.  

                                   PETE
                         And realize that if you actually
                         have to pay seventy dollars for
                         something, it'd better be more than
                         just a pair of ripped-up jeans.

               Pete takes a look around.

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         Lot of good looking ladies about.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Okay, the CEO of Abercrombie and
                         Fitch doesn't give a shit if I'm
                         happy from the true value that I
                         derive from their product.

                                   PETE
                         Yeah, but is that their job?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, I think it's become their
                         job, ever since we've joined their
                         cult.  

                                   PETE
                         Cult?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I think of it as joining the
                         Army.  We've committed ourselves to
                         this shit.  Only now, we're finding
                         out that Uncle Sam is full of it,
                         and only worried about making money
                         for companies that put out oil
                         fires.  

                                   PETE
                         What're you going to do?

               Pete checks his watch.

                                   DERRICK
                         The sad thing is, at least in the
                         Army you've got a pretty good
                         fucking reason NOT to go AWOL.

                                   PETE
                         Yeah, what's that?

                                   DERRICK
                         They'll throw your ass in the
                         stockade.  Out here what can they
                         do?  

                                   PETE
                         Scare us with social rejection. 
                         Hey, I think it's time for a drink. 

               Pete heads towards the bar.

               INT. RAIN CAFE - BAR AREA - NIGHT 

               Derrick and Pete sit on clear bar stools that overlooks the
               dance floor. A large fountain flows behind the bar. Derrick
               drinks a glass of water. Pete holds a bottle of beer.

                                   DERRICK
                         Alright.  It's hard cause you don't
                         want to be the guy that just
                         imagines a beautiful woman across
                         the bar is flirting with you, but
                         you also don't want to be the guy
                         that blows off a perfect
                         opportunity cause you think she's
                         not interested.

                                   PETE
                         Regardless, what do you say when
                         you first walk up?  What are some
                         fail-safes?

                                   DERRICK
                         Sorry?

                                   PETE
                         Fail-safes, you know?

                                   DERRICK
                         The only fail-safes are reserved
                         for sellouts and future cancer
                         patients.  

                                   PETE
                         Alright?

                                   DERRICK
                         It's just a fact that 'can I buy
                         you a drink?' and 'can I bum a
                         smoke?' are easy ways in.  

               Derrick takes a sip of his water.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Sorry.  I forgot you smoke. 

                                   PETE 
                         No.  I quit a couple days ago
                         actually.  

                                   DERRICK
                         That's good.  No real loss though,
                         cause the women that buy that shit
                         aren't really our target audience.  

               Pete fidgets with his beer label.

                                   PETE
                         So where does that leave me?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't know.  Humor, common
                         interests, incorporating yourself. 
                         Something like 'do you have a pen?' 
                         Or anything really.

                                   PETE 
                         Or...I'm drawing a blank.  What
                         about fix ups?

                                   DERRICK
                         Too forced.  Also, I don't want to
                         have to work out.  Cause what's the
                         point?  All most of us ever do is
                         sit behind a desk all day.

                                   PETE
                         I work out.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I exercise too, but I'm
                         usually saying to myself, 'I should
                         be building a house or something.'

                                   PETE
                         You want another--

                                   DERRICK
                         Also, tan guys piss me off.  I mean
                         shit, I don't want to have to get
                         skin cancer to impress some girl
                         just to keep up with these
                         assholes.  

                                   PETE 
                         I thought you said we weren't
                         competing with these busters.

                                   DERRICK
                         You're right, we're not.  I just
                         got... But really, it doesn't
                         matter what you say as long as you
                         say it and say it to the right
                         person.

               Derrick gets up from his bar stool. Sets down his drink and
               looks over at Pete.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Okay.  No more talk.  You've got
                         ten minutes to get a woman's
                         number, or you're walking home.  

                                   PETE
                         What?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't care if it's a wrong
                         number, or if it only has five
                         digits, you're getting a number!

                                   PETE
                         But how?

                                   DERRICK
                         You got that girl's number last
                         night right?  I'm sure you can
                         think of something.  

                                   PETE
                         Fine.

                                   DERRICK
                         Why don't you start with that
                         brunette near the back.  

               Pete frantically turns around.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         If you hadn't have been so
                         interested in your beer label you
                         would have noticed she looked your
                         way a couple of times.

                                   PETE
                         K, I'm gone.

               INT. RAIN CAFE - DANCE AREA - MOMENTS LATER

               Pete walks over to AMBER, an exotic looking woman. He raises
               his beer glass to her. She shies away slightly.

                                   PETE 
                         Oh don't worry, it's non-toxic. 
                         You seemed a bit concerned.  

                                   AMBER
                         That's good.  I wasn't really
                         worried though.  You seem to know
                         what you're doing.

                                   PETE
                         It's all a big bluff.  I'm Pete by
                         the way. 

                                   AMBER
                             (points to herself)
                         Amber.

               INT. RAIN CAFE - BAR AREA - LATER

               Derrick sips his drink. Pete returns.

                                   DERRICK
                         How'd it go?

               Pete reaches into his pocket and pulls out Amber's number.
               Shows it to Derrick and quickly puts it back in his pocket.

                                   PETE 
                         I think I'll hold on to this one. 
                         I'm pretty sure it's real.

                                   DERRICK
                         Good, good.  Always assume a
                         positive response.  Let's go
                         upstairs.

                                   PETE
                         Why?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't know, change of scenery.

               INT. RAIN CAFE - COUCH AREA - NIGHT

               Pete and Derrick sit on a blue couch.

                                   DERRICK
                         Why don't people spend time
                         thinking about how they feel about
                         things like religion, happiness,
                         why they love?  

               Derrick picks at the couch.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Who are they afraid of offending?  

                                   PETE
                         Anyone who's listening.

                                   DERRICK
                         People spend way too much time
                         talking to shrinks.  Instead, I say
                         spend that time seeking
                         enlightenment.

                                   PETE
                         Yeah, I'll get right on that.

                                   DERRICK
                         Take our current situation.  Why
                         are we so hung up on trying to
                         figure out what to do or say around
                         women?

                                   PETE
                         What else are we going--

                                   DERRICK
                         Why not spend that time figuring
                         out what and who we are.  That's
                         really what I'm looking for in a
                         woman, so why shouldn't it be the
                         same for them?

                                   PETE
                             (taking a sip of his beer)
                         Yeah, but sometimes you just want
                         to get laid. 

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, that's sorta the problem.

               Derrick finishes the last sip of his water and looks over to
               Pete.  

                                   DERRICK 
                         You ready to head out?

               Pete looks through his near-empty wallet as they both rise.

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         Man, I think I got mugged.

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT

               Derrick drives. Pete sits in the passenger seat. Derrick
               looks down at his dash and notices the "low-fuel" light.

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - PETE'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - MOMENTS LATER

               Derrick pulls into a modern retirement village for young
               professionals and parks his car. Pete opens his door and
               starts to get out. Derrick holds him back.

                                   DERRICK
                         Wait.  I've got a little homework
                         for you.

                                   PETE
                         Fuck that.

                                   DERRICK
                         You want to get laid right?

                                   PETE
                         Of course.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sorry.  Wasn't the answer I was
                         looking for.  How quickly you
                         forget.  But I guess that's why
                         they invented homework.

               From the back seat Derrick retrieves: "SIDHARTHA," by Hermann
               Hesse, "THE ART OF LOVING," by Edrich Fromm, "THE DEATH OF
               IVAN ILYCH," by Leo Tolstoy, "ON THE ROAD," by Jack Kerouac.
               and "ISHMAEL," by Daniel Quinn. He hands them all to Pete.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         I want you to finish at least one
                         of these by the next time I see
                         you.

                                   PETE
                         I thought you said no more
                         preparation.

                                   DERRICK
                         I guess I lied.

               INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 

               Joe sits on the floor and looks through a box of souvenirs
               and old pictures of himself and a pretty woman. "An Olive
               Grove Facing the Sea," by Snow Patrol plays on the stereo.
               Derrick enters. Joe doesn't look up. 

                                   JOE
                         Would I have bought all these
                         little trinkets if I hadn't read in
                         some book that THAT would make her
                         fall for me?

                                   DERRICK
                         Hey Joe.  

                                   JOE
                         Maybe I'm giving myself too little
                         credit, but still, guilt always
                         creeps in.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Wow, a 'hey Derrick' would have
                         been nice, but I'm flexible.

               Joe opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He sifts
               through his pictures again.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd) 
                         Sorry.

                                   JOE
                         It's just so...

                                   DERRICK
                         Hey, it's okay.  

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, I know.  I mean I'm not hung
                         up on her anymore.  It's been like
                         six months since she moved out... I
                         just don't want to have to go
                         through this again.

               Derrick moves over to Joe.

                                   DERRICK 
                         All I know is that after I broke up
                         with Colette it took me a while,
                         but I was eventually forced realize
                         that I wasn't perfect either.

               Joe nods.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Sometimes I think we just mess up
                         on purpose.

               They both listen to the music.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. JOE'S KITCHEN - SUNDAY MORNING

               Derrick looks down at his half-full bowl of cereal. Joe
               enters embarrassed about last night. Pours himself a CUP of
               coffee and sits down across from Derrick. Both sip their
               coffee and eat their generic cereal respectively.

                                   DERRICK
                         I'm just not hungry enough.  

                                   JOE
                         Then don't eat.

                                   DERRICK
                         No, I'm just not hungry to be a
                         success.  Which I don't think is
                         always a bad thing.  
                             (beginning to ramble)
                         Cause if I don't like to eat, and I
                         don't ever get hungry, what does it
                         matter?

                                   JOE
                         You want me to bust out my tweed
                         jacket?

                                   DERRICK
                         But other times I just want to jam
                         my thoughts down everybody's
                         throats and... 

                                   JOE
                         And what?

                                   DERRICK 
                         I don't know.  

               Derrick takes one last bite of his breakfast.  

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Maybe my metabolism is just running
                         too slow right now to get hungry.
                             (to himself)
                         Maybe a jog.

               Derrick gets up, walks over to the sink and pours the rest of
               his cereal down the drain.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         You want to get some coffee later
                         with me and Michelle?

               Joe holds up his CUP of coffee and smiles.

                                   JOE
                         Sure.

               EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

               Derrick jogs to an intersection.  Crosses the street and is
               almost HIT by a Sports Utility Vehicle. 

                                   DERRICK
                         Hey--

               Derrick is stunned. The SUV races out of sight.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Fuck you pal.  I hope you roll over
                         and die!

               A NEIGHBORHOOD LADY sweeping her porch turns to Derrick.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         I was--

               The Lady scowls.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Never mind.

               Derrick sprints away.

               INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

               Derrick, Michelle and Joe sit at a table. Michelle and Joe
               drink coffees. Derrick drinks his water. "Meantime," by The
               Futureheads plays on the sound system. CUSTOMERS play chess
               and read NEWSPAPERS. 

                                   DERRICK
                         I think my problem is that I have
                         too high standards.  It's kinda
                         like with women, why waste your
                         time with someone you can't stand.

                                   MICHELLE 
                         Is that why you quit?

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, but you never hear of someone
                         starving to death from lack of sex.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, it's almost getting to that
                         point.  But what do I do?  Do I
                         jump on the bomb and marry some
                         chick I hate?  No.  I jerk off for
                         a while.

                                   MICHELLE
                         What exactly does that mean; a part
                         time job, temp work?

                                   DERRICK
                         Not quite.  It means; movies from
                         the library, eating ramen noodles,
                         and drinking at home.

               Derrick takes a sip of his water.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Also, I've been too privileged to
                         just take some job that would just
                         make me rich.  

                                   JOE
                         Rich?  Yeah right.

                                   DERRICK
                         Also, I don't want some job that
                         would be below my qualifications. 
                         Mostly cause I think if I felt I
                         was above it, I would act smug, and
                         I hate people that act smug.

                                   MICHELLE
                         You could always just get over
                         yourself.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I guess, but how does one go
                         about doing that?

                                   JOE
                         Don't look at me.  

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't know why, but it seems like
                         I have to witness my own idiocy
                         reflected in others to be disgusted
                         by it to feel the need to change.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Huh?

                                   DERRICK
                             (almost to himself)
                         That might explain why opposites
                         attract; you never have to face
                         your own deficiencies.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Why can't you just not be smug, if
                         you already know you hate it?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, because I haven't become smug
                         yet.  Maybe after I take some job,
                         become smug, then see other people
                         acting smug, I'll get pissed off
                         and do something about my own
                         smugness, but to tell you the
                         truth, I'd rather just avoid the
                         whole situation.

                                   MICHELLE
                         So, what's been pissing you off
                         lately?

                                   DERRICK
                         Procrastination.  

                                   JOE
                         Really?

                                   DERRICK
                         When I did landscaping with my
                         younger brother last fall he drove
                         me crazy with that shit, so I've
                         been working on that.

                                   MICHELLE 
                         So, in that sense it's good to
                         surround yourself with jackasses.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Of course.  Why do you think I hang
                         out with you?

                                   MICHELLE
                         Screw yourself.

               Derrick's face fills with regret.

                                   DERRICK
                         I was totally kidding.  Damn.  I've
                         also been working on not making
                         jokes at other people's expense.  

                                   MICHELLE
                         No, it's alright.  Don't worry
                         about it.

                                   DERRICK
                             (touching Michelle)
                         No.  I'm sorry.  

                                   MICHELLE
                         It's cool.

                                   DERRICK
                             (jumping up)
                         I'll get the refills.

               Derrick takes the empty mugs from the table and picks up an
               extra mug from the return bin and walks into the next room.

               MOMENTS LATER

               Derrick returns with three coffees and sits down.

                                   JOE
                         I've been thinking about what you
                         said.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, what's that?

                                   JOE
                         People are attracted to opposite
                         personalities, but that's because
                         they complete each other--

                                   DERRICK
                         Really?

                                   JOE
                         --not because they can't stand to
                         be with someone that has the same
                         problems or weaknesses as them.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, but if we never have to see
                         our faults in someone else and hate
                         it, we never have to deal with it. 

               Derrick stirs his coffee

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Also, when we take jobs we hate, we
                         never have to face what we're truly
                         capable of becoming.

                                   JOE
                         When's the last time you had a job
                         for more than a couple of months?

                                   DERRICK
                         I worked at that one place all last-

               Derrick collects himself

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         I really don't want to fight with
                         you about this.  But it's fine if
                         you take what I say personally, I
                         actually encourage it. 

               Derrick takes a sip of his coffee.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         More sugars, one sec.

               Derrick jumps up and heads towards the other room.

               LATER

               Derrick comes back with twelve packets of sugar.

                                   JOE
                             (to Michelle)
                         --but for whatever reason, people
                         enjoy coke, they enjoy new
                         furniture.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Fine, they're just going to have to
                         realize the consequences of their
                         purchases.

                                   JOE
                         The consequences of their
                         purchases?  Listen to yourself.

               Derrick adds the sugar to his coffee and drinks it.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Joe, millions of people wake up
                         every day and don't know what they
                         want, but say to themselves, 'I'm
                         going to the mall.' I'll find
                         something there. 

                                   DERRICK
                             (clears his throat)
                         How long was I gone?

                                   MICHELLE
                             (to Joe)
                         And buying these products, even if
                         they have the money, has a cost. 
                         Resources, pollution from producing
                         and shipping it, dentist bills from
                         all the sugar they drink, time and
                         money spent at the gym.

                                   JOE
                         So what are you saying, we should
                         all be hermits?

                                   MICHELLE
                         I don't expect everyone to change
                         every behavior they have, but I do
                         think once people realize what
                         they're giving up and affecting,
                         that more will choose differently.

               Derrick takes a seat. 

                                   MICHELLE
                             (to Derrick)
                         What do you think?

                                   DERRICK
                         Fuck, I don't know.  

               Michelle stares at him.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         What?  I just know as long as
                         there's more money to be made in
                         building prisons, than setting up
                         programs to keep people out of
                         them, it's never going to be a
                         balanced choice for people.

                                   MICHELLE 
                         Yeah I guess.

                                   DERRICK
                         Think about it.  I've never heard
                         of any CEO making profits from NOT
                         having someone go to jail.  

               Michelle considers this.

                                   JOE
                         Well, they do lose potential
                         customers.

               Both Derrick and Michelle turn to Joe with strange looks.
               Michelle finishes her coffee.

                                   MICHELLE
                         This has been fun, but I've gotta
                         jet.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah me too.
                             (to Joe)
                         You coming?

                                   JOE
                         I think I'm just going stick around
                         here, I've got to work soon.

               Derrick and Michelle wave goodbye. Michelle leaves. Derrick
               follows and discreetly grabs an abandoned SUNDAY NEWSPAPER. 

               INT. COFFEE SHOP - COUNTER AREA - MOMENTS LATER

               A "Free Refills" sign is posted behind a large counter. Joe
               waits in line. HOLLY, a tall woman in glasses stands behind
               him.

                                   HOLLY
                             (taps Joe)
                         Hey, thanks for the recommendation.

               Joe turns around.

                                   JOE
                         Sorry?

                                   HOLLY
                         My belt, I love it.  

               Joe glances down at her waist. Recognizes it, then pans up
               the rest of her body.

                                   HOLLY (cont'd)
                         I'm really glad I didn't go with
                         that other one.  Hey, are you here
                         with anyone?  

                                   JOE
                         Not really.

                                   HOLLY
                         You mind if I kill a few hours with
                         you Joe?

                                   JOE
                         How do you...Oh yeah.

               Joe looks back down at her waist.

                                   HOLLY
                         Oh, my name's Holly.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM  - NIGHT

               Derrick looks through the jobs section of the newspaper with
               a green high-lighter in hand. Very few jobs have been marked.
               A KNOCK, KNOCK is heard on the front door. 

                                   DERRICK
                         Who is it?

                                   MICHELLE (O.S.)
                         Michelle, open up.

               Derrick puts down his high-lighter. Gets up and puts the
               newspaper in his back pocket.

               EXT. JOE'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS

               Derrick opens the front door.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Can I borrow your car?

                                   DERRICK
                         Sure, why?

                                   MICHELLE 
                         I've got to go to the hospital.

                                   DERRICK
                         Shit, what's wrong?

                                   MICHELLE
                         Nothing.  I just gotta go get Nick.

                                   DERRICK
                         You did say "hospital" right?

                                   MICHELLE
                         Well, it's more of a clinic than a
                         hospital.  He just got a little
                         banged up the other night at his
                         neighborhood watch, that's all.  I
                         just have to go pick him up.

                                   DERRICK
                         Is he alright?

                                   MICHELLE
                         He'll be fine.

               Derrick tosses his keys to Michelle. 

                                   MICHELLE (cont'd)
                         I just leave them in the mailbox.

               Michelle locks her bike to the porch railing and takes off.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Derrick tosses the newspaper onto his desk, picks up his
               phone and dials.

                                   DERRICK
                         Pete?  Hey, you think we could meet
                         up soon and go over some of this
                         job stuff?

               Derrick listens into the receiver.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Great.  I'll just be over tomorrow
                         around four then.

               Derrick hangs up the phone. Turns off the light. Lays down on
               his bed, but doesn't quite sleep.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               A KNOCK, KNOCK on Derrick's door.

                                   JOE (O.S.)
                         You got a second to talk about some
                         stuff?

                                   DERRICK
                         Not right now man, maybe tomorrow.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MONDAY

               Derrick sits on the couch and watches television.  

                                   GEORGE W. BUSH (FILTERED O.S.)
                         This may give some an excuse to
                         question our cause.

               Derrick hears Joe's car pull into the driveway. He jumps off
               the couch and turns off the TV.  

               WIDER TO REVEAL

               A large pile of laundry on the couch next to where Derrick
               was sitting. Derrick busies himself and folds one of Joe's
               shirts. Joe enters.

                                   DERRICK
                         How was work?

                                   JOE
                         Work.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Shit, what time is it?

                                   JOE
                         Almost four, why?

                                   DERRICK
                         I've got to go meet Pete.  We're
                         going over some stuff today.  

               Derrick grabs a CANVAS BAG from off the floor and heads for
               the door.

                                   JOE
                         You know...I wouldn't mind learning
                         a few things about women too. 

               The door SLAMS. Derrick is gone. Joe takes a seat on the
               couch next to the unfinished laundry.

               EXT. JOE'S HOUSE - DAY

               Derrick searches for his car. He spots it across the street
               parked illegally.  

                                   DERRICK
                         If there's a ticket, I swear.

               No ticket.  Derrick hops into his car.

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - DAY

               Derrick starts his car and his gas gage rises to full.

               EXT. PETE'S APARTMENT - DAY

               Derrick and Pete exit Pete's front door. Derrick takes a look
               at Pete's big car and walks towards his.

                                   DERRICK
                         We can take my car.

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - LATER

               Pete looks around Derrick's car as if inspecting it.

                                   PETE
                         So this is officially your car now?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, yeah.  I bought it a few
                         months ago from my older brother.

                                   PETE
                         So, I guess you've got bills now
                         too and insurance and everything?

                                   DERRICK
                         Of course.

                                   PETE
                             (almost gleefully)
                         Very interesting.  

               Derrick starts the car and drives out of the parking lot.

               MOMENTS LATER

               Derrick turns on the stereo. "Cause=Time," by Broken Social
               Scene begins to play. Derrick looks over at Pete.

                                   DERRICK
                         So where we going exactly?

                                   PETE
                         The library.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh.

                                   PETE
                         What?  It's just down the street.

                                   DERRICK
                         It's just that...

                                   PETE
                         What?

                                   DERRICK
                         I just usually don't go there
                         during the day anymore, that's all.

                                   PETE
                         How come?

               Derrick pulls into the Library parking lot and parks his car.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Let's just go.

               Derrick grabs his canvas bag.

               EXT. LIBRARY PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

               Derrick and Pete get out of the car and walk towards the
               entrance. Derrick puts his bag across his chest.

                                   PETE
                         Come on, just tell me.

                                   DERRICK
                         It's no big deal.

                                   PETE
                         Then tell me.

                                   DERRICK
                         Alright.  I used to come here all
                         the time, you know, but I got tired
                         of having the librarians think I
                         didn't have a job.  

                                   PETE
                         You're kidding right?

                                   DERRICK
                         Nope.

               Pete walks up to the main entrance. Hits the handicap button
               on the door. The door opens automatically.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Hold on, I'm the one kidding?

                                   PETE
                         What?

                                   DERRICK
                         Are you handicapped?

                                   PETE
                         No.  

                                   DERRICK
                         This isn't the mall Pete, every
                         door isn't obliged to open for you.

               Pete steps inside.

                                   PETE
                         Too late.

               INT. LIBRARY - DAY

               Derrick and Pete walk past stacks of library books.  

                                   PETE
                         Do you regret breaking up with that
                         french chick?

                                   DERRICK
                         No, not really.  

                                   PETE
                         You don't regret anything?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, I do regret NOT getting out
                         of it earlier...you know, once I
                         realized it wasn't going to work. 
                         That stuff's hard for me.

                                   PETE
                         See I think you can't regret
                         anything that's already happened,
                         otherwise you couldn't have learned
                         from your mistake.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, but there's other ways of
                         learning, that aren't so--

               Derrick and Pete turn a corner.

                                   PETE
                         Do you think that girl from the
                         club the other night had a big
                         butt?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't know, I couldn't tell...A
                         big butt?  Come on Pete, I thought
                         you said you wanted to meet someone
                         special.

                                   PETE
                         I did.  

               Beat.

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         Someone special with a small ass. 
                         She said she worked at that plus
                         size clothing store downtown.  You
                         think that means anything?

                                   DERRICK
                         Hold on.  I thought we were going
                         to concentrate on finding me a job?

                                   PETE
                         You're right.  Amber's ass can
                         wait.

               INT. LIBRARY QUIET AREA - DAY

               Derrick and Pete sit at a round table.

                                   PETE
                         Okay, you've got to realize that
                         you're selling yourself.  You've
                         got skills, you have experience. 
                         People pay for those things, not
                         your opinion. 

               Derrick bites his tongue.

                                   DERRICK
                         And?

                                   PETE
                         Alright, I was thinking we should
                         start off by going over some of
                         your current search strategies.

                                   DERRICK
                         Okay?

                                   PETE
                         So, what do you think has been your
                         biggest mistake so far?

                                   DERRICK
                         My biggest mistake?...Probably the
                         time this company asked sample
                         questions and I scanned their
                         letterhead and printed my answers
                         on it.

                                   PETE
                         And?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't think it would have
                         mattered either way, but that must
                         have freaked them out or something.

                                   PETE
                         You probably would have been fine
                         if they had known who you were.

                                   DERRICK
                         But they didn't.

                                   PETE
                         Exactly.  You've got to firstly
                         realize: Never apply to a job that
                         you don't already know you can get. 
                         And secondly: Never quit a job
                         without already having another one
                         lined up.

                                   DERRICK
                         That job I took was complete
                         fucking scam.

                                   PETE
                         All I'm saying is, if you don't
                         like your job and want a new one,
                         quitting can be the worst thing
                         possible.  

                                   DERRICK
                         How's that?

                                   PETE
                         A) Because companies like to pull
                         employees from competitors, and B)
                         It's always easier to get motivated
                         to find a job if you can tell
                         yourself 'if I find something else,
                         I can quit this piece of shit job.'

                                   DERRICK
                         One sec.  Go back to that thing
                         about applying to jobs you already
                         know you can get.

                                   PETE
                         Right.  All you have to do is put
                         yourself in the right places.  Get
                         to know the right people.  Contact
                         old friends and family.  Reach out. 

               Derrick begins to get uncomfortable.

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         Let everyone know you're looking
                         for an opportunity, and you'll
                         usually find one.  

                                   DERRICK
                         So it's all been a waste?  Why did
                         I bother writing cover letters,
                         filling out applications, earning a
                         masters degree, when all I needed
                         to do was know somebody?

                                   PETE
                         You can't worry about that.

                                   DERRICK
                         But I just hate all that crap: 
                         Talking to people, kissing their
                         asses.

                                   PETE
                         You don't hate talking to women.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, but--

                                   PETE
                         But what?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, with women I could be meeting
                         someone who's prefect for me.

                                   PETE 
                         Well, you want to find the perfect
                         job right, so what's the
                         difference?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't know.  Maybe you're right.

                                   PETE
                             (as if reading from a
                              motivational poster)
                         "Shyness is unwillingness to
                         participate in life."  You have to
                         have the right attitude for this,
                         that's all.

               Derrick looks around distracted.

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         Alright, what I want you to do now
                         is write down a list of all the
                         people you could call for help.

                                   DERRICK
                             (immaturely)
                         Fine.

               Derrick pulls out a pen and a PAD of paper from his bag.

               LATER

               Derrick works on his list of people to call. Pete looks
               around the library.

                                   PETE
                         You think they've got 'Getting to
                         Yes' in this place?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah.  Third Aisle from the left.

                                   PETE
                         I thought you said you didn't hang
                         out here much anymore.

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't have a clue where that book
                         is.

                                   PETE
                         So why did you answer me?

                                   DERRICK
                         No.  I think the better question
                         is, why did you bother to ask me if
                         you knew I didn't know the answer?

                                   PETE
                         Fuck it, I'll just ask the
                         librarian.

               Pete gets up and walks towards the Help Desk.

               LATER

               Pete returns with 'GETTING TO YES' in his hands. Drops the
               book into Derrick's lap and sits down.

                                   PETE
                         Read this if you give a damn!

               Derrick TOSSES the book back at Pete.

                                   DERRICK
                         You think I like being unemployed?

                                   PETE
                         You seem to be taking it alright.

                                   DERRICK
                         Not really, it's fuckin' hard.

                                   PETE
                         Who are you kidding, you hang
                         around all day, jerk off and read.

                                   DERRICK
                         Fine.  I guess feeling totally
                         debilitated and completely
                         worthless, yet all the while
                         knowing you've had chances, but
                         just hoping for one more is a
                         fucking holiday.

                                   PETE
                         Doesn't sound so bad.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah?  FUCK YOU!

               The HELP DESK LADIES recognize Derrick, but still throw him a
               shaming look.  

                                   HELP DESK LADIES
                         SHHZZZ.

               The chiding works.  Derrick looks repentant.

                                   DERRICK
                         I think I'm done talking about this
                         for now.  

                                   PETE
                         Yeah, me too.

               Derrick packs up his pad and pen.

               DERRICK'S CAR - DRIVING - EVENING

               Derrick drives down a four-lane residential road. Pete sits
               in the passenger seat.

                                   PETE 
                         Hey, I finished "The Death of Ivan
                         Ilych" last night.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Yeah?  What did you think?

                                   PETE
                         It was pretty good.  

               Pete flips through "GETTING TO YES."

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         I hope you know I think about that
                         stuff too sometimes.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah?  What stuff?

                                   PETE
                         You know, if I'm wasting my life or
                         not.  Not too recently, but you
                         know, when I was younger.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sure, sure.  When I was seventeen I
                         read all those books; Siddhartha,
                         On the Road, Ishmael.  I was pretty
                         fucking idealistic.  But now that
                         I'm twenty-six, I still think I'm
                         pretty much the same.  

                                   PETE 
                         Un huh.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I used to worry when I was in
                         high school if I would still think
                         the same way about stuff when I was
                         the age that I am now.  

               A luxury car races past Derrick's car.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         But I don't worry about that so
                         much anymore.  I figure you let
                         that stuff die only if you want to.

                                   PETE
                         How come you're going so slow?

                                   DERRICK
                         I'm going the speed limit.

                                   PETE
                         Yeah?

               Derrick's car comes around a corner to a RED STOPLIGHT. The
               car that passed them before is stopped. The light turns GREEN
               as Derrick's car approaches it. Derrick drives through the
               intersection without slowing down and passes the luxury car.

                                   PETE
                         How did you know it would turn?

                                   DERRICK
                         Light patterns are just that-
                         patterns.  

               Derrick takes a left into Pete's apartment complex.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Yeah, you get to notice all kinds
                         of little things when you're
                         unemployed.

               Derrick parks his car.

                                   PETE
                         Thanks for driving, and sorry about
                         earlier.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, me too.  Thanks for the
                         advice, it really is helpful.

                                   PETE
                         Good, cause I want you to call half
                         those people on your list and apply
                         to at least one job this week.

                                   DERRICK
                         And I want you to finish another
                         book, and not the shortest one this
                         time.

               Pete tosses 'GETTING TO YES' at Derrick.

                                   PETE
                         Read this.

               Derrick puts the book into his canvas bag. Pete starts to get
               out.

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         Oh, I've got some of your camping
                         gear inside.  

               EXT. PETE'S APARTMENT - EVENING

               Derrick and Pete get out of Derrick's car and walk towards
               Pete's front door.  

                                   DERRICK 
                         Hey, you got any extra toilet paper
                         laying around?

               LATER

               Derrick exits Pete's front door with his arms full of CAMPING
               GEAR and TOILET PAPER. 

               He sees a RED sports car approach. The doors of the car LOCK
               as Derrick walks by.

                                   DERRICK
                         What?  You think I'm going to throw
                         this stuff in the air and car jack
                         you?  Or maybe this is all just a
                         ploy, and these bags are filled
                         with nothing but air.  ASSHOLE!

               The car STOPS and Amber from the Rain Cafe gets out.

                                   AMBER
                         No.  It does that automatically.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sorry.  You weren't supposed to
                         hear that.  See, I usually come up
                         with these little comebacks a
                         little too late, but this time--  

               Derrick realizes that this is the same Amber from the RAIN
               CAFE.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                             (motioning with his hand)
                         Turn around real quick.

               Confused, Amber turns herself around.

                                   AMBER
                         It's nice to meet you, but this is
                         a little strange.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Well, I actually saw you before, at
                         the Rain Cafe. 

                                   AMBER 
                         Yeah, sorry, that's what I meant. 
                         I was hoping you would have come
                         over then. 

                                   DERRICK 
                         But I didn't, Pete did.

                                   AMBER 
                         Yeah, I saw that he was with you.  

               Derrick begins to get uncomfortable.

                                   AMBER (cont'd)
                         Sometimes you've got to motivate
                         guys properly by talking to their
                         friends, but--

               Derrick looks at Pete's front door.

                                   DERRICK
                         I've gotta go.

               Derrick jumps into his car, losing a few rolls of toilet
               paper in the process.

                                   AMBER
                         That's not what I meant--

               Derrick speeds away.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

               Derrick walks in the front door and sets down his camping
               gear, canvas bag and toilet paper. He is met by Joe.

                                   JOE
                         You were gone long.  How'd it go?

                                   DERRICK
                         Not too bad.

                                   JOE
                         What did you guys do?

                                   DERRICK
                         Nothing too complicated.

                                   JOE
                         Where did you guys go?

                                   DERRICK
                         Nowhere.  The library.

                                   JOE
                         There's women at the library?

                                   DERRICK
                         What?  No.  Yes there are, but we
                         were going over job stuff.

                                   JOE
                         Oh.

               Derrick moves over to the laundry-free couch and sits down.

                                   JOE
                         I thought you didn't like the
                         library?

                                   DERRICK
                         I do, and I don't.

                                   JOE
                         You're just full of illuminations
                         tonight.

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, I like the library, cause
                         it's free and they've got due dates
                         for stuff; tonight with Pete was
                         kinda like that.

                                   JOE
                         So what didn't you like about it?

               Derrick holds up his leather wristband.

                                   JOE (cont'd)
                         Shit. If something comes your way,
                         even if you don't like it, just
                         take it, and find out for sure. 

                                   DERRICK
                         I'm going to start calling people I
                         know for help soon, so don't worry.

                                   JOE
                             (moving over to Derrick)
                         I just know there are a lot of
                         assholes out there running stuff
                         and I think you should let others
                         know there's an alternative, that's
                         all.

                                   DERRICK
                         I just don't know when do you hit a
                         point and say: 'NO MORE.' 
                             (looking up at Joe)
                         Or is it at the moment when you
                         realize that there's never going to
                         be a moment like that THAT changes
                         things? 

                                   JOE
                         You've got to do something.

                                   DERRICK
                         Lay off, I said I was going to make
                         some calls, what do you want from
                         me?

                                   JOE 
                         I don't really have time for this.

               Joe heads towards his room, then turns back.

                                   JOE (cont'd)
                         Oh yeah, I had some questions about
                         women I wanted to--

                                   DERRICK
                         Hey, are you working tomorrow?  

                                   JOE
                         What?

               Derrick gets up from the couch.

                                   DERRICK
                         Pete thin-... and I... I need to
                         find a real suit, you know.  I was
                         wondering if I could use your
                         employee discount?

                                   JOE
                         My discount?  Who the hell do you
                         think I am?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't know.  My friend.

                                   JOE
                         Shit, do friends ignore each other,
                         do friends leave other friends with
                         piles of laundry to fold, do
                         friends--

                                   DERRICK
                         Fuck, I just got some toilet paper.

                                   JOE
                         I asked for that days ago.  Maybe
                         you shit every four days, but some
                         of us shit on a more regular basis.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sorry.  I guess I should have told
                         you about the coffee filter trick.

                                   JOE
                         What the--? 

               Joe collects himself.

                                   JOE (cont'd)
                         I mean, I don't have a problem with
                         you staying here but--

                                   DERRICK
                         So you going to kick me out because
                         of toilet paper?  Fuck, that's
                         great.  I'm outta here.  

               Derrick grabs his bag from off the ground and storms out the
               front door.

               EXT. DOWNTOWN - MAIN SQUARE - NIGHT

               Derrick sits on a ledge. He looks down an empty street.

               LATER

               The streets still empty, Derrick gives up and walks towards
               his car.

               EXT. MICHELLE'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

               Derrick tries to push open the front door. It's locked. He
               KNOCKS. Derrick waits impatiently.  

               Michelle opens the door. She joins Derrick outside and leads
               him to take a seat on the porch.

                                   DERRICK
                         I tried to catch you downtown, but
                         I guess you'd already gone home.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Yeah, not too many runs to be made
                         after all the suits go home. 
                         What's up?

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh, not much.  Joe kicked me out. 
                         Says I need a job.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Yeah, I guess he hasn't realized
                         it's all just a big hoax.  

                                   DERRICK
                         What hoax is that?

                                   MICHELLE
                         The one where they train you to
                         work, so you can make money, which
                         they convince you will lead to
                         women, which will of course bring
                         you happiness.

                                   DERRICK
                         And because you're a women--

                                   MICHELLE
                             (smiling)
                         Well.  Women have been fooled into
                         believing that more stuff equals
                         happiness, and that the only way to
                         get more stuff is by marrying a
                         rich husband, so it's a little
                         different.

               Derrick picks at his seat.

                                   DERRICK
                         But seriously, if you hear of any,
                         let me know.

                                   MICHELLE
                         What, jobs?  

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah.

                                   MICHELLE
                         You could probably do Nick's
                         messenger route till he gets back. 
                         That'll probably only be another
                         week though.

                                   DERRICK
                             (pressing)
                         Anything else?

                                   MICHELLE
                         I saw something at that Clinic he
                         went to.

                                   DERRICK
                         Really, what was it for?

                                   MICHELLE
                         I'm not really sure.

                                   DERRICK
                         Do you have their number or
                         something, so I could give them a
                         call?

                                   MICHELLE
                         I don't know.  I'll have to check. 
                         One sec.

               Michelle goes inside.  

               LATER

               Michelle comes out with the CLINIC'S NUMBER in her hand and
               drops it into Derrick's lap. Derrick takes this as his chance
               to lean in and kiss Michelle. Their lips almost touch as the
               door OPENS. Nick comes outside.

                                   NICK
                         What's going on?

               Derrick grabs the NUMBER, jumps off the porch and sprints
               down the street past his parked car.

               Michelle turns to Nick.

                                   MICHELLE
                         I thought I said to stay inside.  

               EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

               Derrick, dejected and rejected roams the streets.  

               He spots a crumpled up piece of paper that looks similar to
               the one he tossed out the window of Pete's car earlier.

                                   DERRICK
                             (to himself)
                         Maybe I could stay with that shy
                         chick?

               Derrick picks up the piece of paper and opens it to reveal:
               "Half-off gym membership at Muscle Man Gym."

               Disgusted, he throws the piece of paper back onto the ground
               and takes a seat next to it.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                             (to himself)
                         What the fuck am I doing?

               Derrick lays down.

               LATER

               Derrick, noticeably more soiled, picks up the crumpled piece
               of paper and puts it into his pocket. He walks away and
               tosses the piece of paper into a street trash can.

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT

               Derrick sleeps in his car's reclined passenger side seat. 
               The Clinic's Number is on the front dash.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. DERRICK'S CAR - TUESDAY MORNING

               Derrick wakes up, startled. Reaches for his canvas bag. It is
               still there.  

               EXT. DERRICK'S CAR - DAY

               Derrick searches through his car for change.

               EXT. PAY PHONE - DAY

               Derrick hangs up the phone. Crosses off another name on his
               list. Ten out of twenty names have been crossed off. Derrick
               picks up the phone. Puts it down. Grabs his canvas bag and
               leaves.

               INT. RAG-O-RAMA - DAY

               Joe clothes a MANNEQUIN on a large display in the back of a
               trendy thrift shop. He is helped by a CO-WORKER. "I Luv the
               Valley," by XIU XIU plays on the stereo. The clientele is a
               mixture of CLUB KIDS and DRIFTERS. 

                                   JOE
                         Can I take lunch soon, I'm
                         starving.

                                   CO-WORKER
                         Not for another hour.

               The Co-Worker jumps off the display and passes Derrick as he
               walks up to the front.

                                   DERRICK (O.S.)
                         Is there anything I can help you
                         with today sir?

                                   JOE
                         Hun?

               Joe turns around and almost knocks over the mannequin.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sorry I...had that melt down last
                         night.  

                                   JOE
                         Ah hun.

                                   DERRICK
                         After I left your place, I tried to
                         put the moves on Michelle, big
                         mistake.

                                   JOE
                         Is that suppose to make me feel
                         sorry for you?

                                   DERRICK
                         Shit, I don't know.  Maybe?

                                   JOE
                             (smiling)
                         You know I never asked you to
                         leave?

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I just can't stand being in
                         debt, especially when people hold
                         it over me. 

                                   JOE
                         But I wasn't--

                                   DERRICK
                         I know.  I'm fucked up.  I'm sorry.

               Joe adjusts the Mannequin.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         So, who's the lucky girl?

                                   JOE
                         Hun?

                                   DERRICK
                         The woman.  You said something
                         before about having a question. 

                                   JOE
                         Oh, no one. 

                                   DERRICK
                             (coyly)
                         What's her name?

                                   JOE
                         Holly, alright.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Now who's the one being brief?

                                   JOE
                         What?  We met at the coffee shop
                         the other day after you left. 
                         She's a photographer, real
                         outgoing.

                                   DERRICK
                         You guys getting together soon?

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, I told her about this new
                         place, "Gasworks."  We're going
                         there sometime this week.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sounds fun.

                                   JOE
                         You could totally come.

                                   DERRICK
                         Maybe.

               Derrick looks down at his soiled clothes.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         So, you guys got any good suits in
                         this place?

                                   JOE
                         Sure.  We've got plenty, people are
                         always dying.

                                   DERRICK
                             (a little too excitedly)
                         Great!

                                   JOE
                         I already found a few, they're in
                         the back.

               Joe jumps down from the display. Derrick takes this as his
               chance to give him a hug. They hug.

                                   JOE (cont'd)
                         I'll be right back.

               Joe walks into the back room.  

               LATER

               Joe reappears with three dark suits draped across his arm.

                                   JOE
                             (holding up the suits)
                         How bout these?

                                   DERRICK
                         Great!

               Joe hands Derrick the suits. Derrick walks over to a dressing
               room in the corner and pulls an old sheet curtain closed.

               LATER

               Derrick emerges from the dressing room in a sharp looking
               SUIT. Derrick reaches his canvas bag. Pulls out a bag of
               pretzels and a half-eaten candy bar and TOSSES them to Joe. 

                                   DERRICK
                         What?  That's all I had in my car.

               LATER

               Derrick walks out of the dressing room in his soiled clothes
               carrying the suit he was just wearing.

                                   DERRICK
                         I think I'm going to get this one.  

               Derrick hands the suit to Joe, bends down and ties his shoe.

                                   JOE (O.S.)
                         You know about this tear, right?

                                   DERRICK
                         No.  What tear?

               Joe shows Derrick a tear in the jacket arm seam. 

                                   DERRICK
                         Great.

                                   JOE
                         It's cool.  Just take it to the
                         tailor downtown, he'll fix it up.

                                   DERRICK
                         You sure?

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, no problem.  We give him a
                         ton of business.

                                   DERRICK
                         Thanks man.

               INT. RAG-O-RAMA - CASH REGISTER - DAY

               TIM, a large Clerk rings up $5.50 on the cash register.
               Derrick reaches into his pocket and pulls out his leather
               wallet. He looks over at Joe, then at the total. 

                                   JOE
                             (to the Tim)
                         Don't forget about the employee
                         discount Tim.

               Tim corrects the price on the cash register with a touch of a
               button to: $5.00.

                                   DERRICK
                         Not having too many expenses isn't
                         so bad, up to a point at least.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, what point is that?

                                   DERRICK
                         The point when you're about to run
                         out of money.

               Derrick hands over a worn five dollar bill to Tim.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         It's just taking so fucking long to
                         go broke.

               Tim reaches for a SHOPPING BAG.

                                   DERRICK
                             (to Tim)
                         I don't need a bag.

               Joe looks at Derricks soiled clothes.

                                   JOE
                         You might want one.  You know...to
                         keep the suit clean.

                                   DERRICK
                         Good thinking.

               Tim bags the suit and hands it to Derrick.

                                   JOE
                             (to Derrick)
                         So, I'll see you at home?

               Derrick smiles.

               INT. TAILOR'S SHOP - DAY

               Derrick carries his shopping bag up to a TAILOR, who stands
               behind a counter. Derrick pulls out the suit jacket.

                                   DERRICK
                         Hi.  I was wondering if you could
                         fix this?

                                   TAILOR
                         Of course.  Let me see.

               The Tailor takes the jacket from Derrick and looks it over.

                                   TAILOR (cont'd)
                         Yes.  Ready one week.  

                                   DERRICK
                         I'd kinda like to have it earlier
                         than that.  My friend Joe from the
                         thrift shop said you were amazing.

                                   TAILOR
                         Oh, you're friends with Joe.  Give
                         me ten minutes.

                                   DERRICK
                         Thanks a ton.

               The Tailor disappears into the back room. Derrick looks
               around for a place to sit, but finds none.

                                   DERRICK
                         I'll be right back.

                                   TAILOR (O.S.)
                         Yes.  No problem.

               Derrick exits the shop.

               EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - CONTINUOUS

               Derrick exits the Tailor's shop and walks under a unlit sign
               that reads "Plus-sized boutique."

               EXT. DOWNTOWN - MAIN SQUARE - DAY

               Michelle and another FEMALE BIKE MESSENGER sit on the same
               ledge Derrick was sitting on earlier.

                                   MICHELLE
                         I just can't stand people that say
                         they're in to all kinds of music. 
                         That usually just translates to me
                         as saying they have no musical
                         taste whatsoever. 
                         I liken it to the Chinese buffet
                         that has pizza and hamburgers next
                         to the Moo Goo Gai Pan.  

                                   BIKE MESSENGER
                         Ah hun.

                                   MICHELLE
                         I mean people can eat whatever they
                         want, but damn if I would ever take
                         restaurant suggestions from someone
                         like that.

               Derrick walks up to Michelle and the Bike Messenger.

                                   MICHELLE (cont'd)
                             (to Bike Messenger)
                         Can you give us a sec?

                                   BIKE MESSENGER
                         No problem, I've got a run anyway.

               The Bike Messenger hops on her bike and rides off.

                                   DERRICK
                         I never got to thank you for the
                         gas.

                                   MICHELLE
                         That's all?  What happened to you
                         before?

                                   DERRICK
                         Nothing, why?

                                   MICHELLE
                         Cause you just took off.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, sorry. 

                                   MICHELLE
                         You didn't give me a chance to
                         explain.

                                   DERRICK
                         What's there to explain?  I'm an
                         idiot and--

                                   MICHELLE
                         Say no more.  I realize you must
                         have been in a pretty bad place to
                         try and kiss your brother's ex.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I don't even want to think
                         about the logistics of that one.

               Derrick looks down at his crotch. They both chuckle.

                                   MICHELLE
                         But I hope you know, there's
                         nothing going on between me and
                         Nick.  He's just staying at my
                         place till he gets better.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sure, sure.  No, I think that's
                         great, you and Nick.

                                   MICHELLE
                         What are you doing down here?

                                   DERRICK
                         Nothing.  Getting a suit repaired.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Shit, I know you said you wanted a
                         job, but damn.

               Derrick looks down at his soiled clothes.

                                   DERRICK
                         What?

                                   MICHELLE
                         No, what the hell kind of job do
                         you think you want that requires a
                         suit?

                                   DERRICK
                         I guess you weren't kidding about
                         that hoax stuff.

               Derrick takes a seat.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Michelle, that's what I went to
                         school for.

                                   MICHELLE
                         No, you studied philosophy.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I also studied conservation
                         and politics.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Conservation and politics, that's
                         rich.  Bush can't even admit that
                         there aren't weapons of mass
                         destruction, do you ever think
                         he'll admit he's wrong about the
                         environment?

               Derrick looks around.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, I really don't know.  I gotta 
                         go though, my suits probably ready.

               Derrick walks away.

               EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - EVENING

               Derrick walks towards the Tailor's shop. He reaches the now
               illuminated "Plus-sized boutique" sign and looks up.

               INT. PLUS-SIZED BOUTIQUE - MOMENTS LATER

               Derrick enters a busy shop. The dressing rooms near the front
               are immaculate. A SALESWOMAN approaches Derrick.

                                   SALESWOMAN
                         Could I help you find anything
                         tonight sir?

                                   DERRICK
                         No, I'm set.

               The Saleswoman turns to a SERIOUS CUSTOMER.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Oh, I do have a question though.

                                   SALESWOMAN
                             (turning back to Derrick)
                         Yes?

                                   DERRICK
                         Is Amber around?  Cause I'd like to
                         talk to her.

                                   SALESWOMAN
                         I don't believe that we have a
                         Amber that works here.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh.

                                   SALESWOMAN
                         Is there anything else I could help
                         you with?

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh.  No.  I don't think so. 

               The Saleswoman turns to look for her lost Customer.

                                   DERRICK (O.S.) (cont'd)
                         One last question. 

                                   SALESWOMAN
                         Yes?

                                   DERRICK
                         Are there any other...plus-size
                         women's clothing stores downtown?

                                   SALESWOMAN
                         None that I'm aware of.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 

               Derrick enters with his repaired suit in his shopping bag and
               his canvas bag. He is greeted by Joe.

                                   JOE
                         Pete called.

                                   DERRICK
                         Good, what did he say?

                                   JOE
                         Something about a book, that he's
                         off all day tomorrow, and that you
                         should stop by whenever.

                                   DERRICK
                         Thanks.

                                   JOE
                         Oh, and to wish him luck, he's
                         calling some girl tonight.

                                   DERRICK
                         Shit.

                                   JOE
                         What?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, I guess it's better he gets a
                         wrong number than me telling him
                         she hit on me.

                                   JOE
                         What are you talking about?

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S BEDROOM -NIGHT

               Derrick places his shopping bag and canvas bag on his desk,
               places the Clinic's Number on his night stand and lays down
               on his bed.

               LATER

               Derrick gets up, retrieves his canvas bag and pulls out
               "GETTING TO YES.' He begins to read.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. JOE'S KITCHEN - WEDNESDAY MORNING

               Joe sits at the kitchen table and eats a bowl of cereal.
               Derrick enters. Joe looks up. 

                                   JOE
                         Hey, me and Holly are going to that
                         bar tonight, if you want to meet
                         up.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Maybe.

                                   JOE
                         You think I should get her some
                         flowers or something?

                                   DERRICK
                         If you want to.

                                   JOE
                         Come on, what do you think?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't know.

                                   JOE
                         That doesn't really answer my
                         question.  Seriously, I don't want
                         to screw this up. 

                                   DERRICK
                         What?  And I don't want to see you
                         upset six months from now wondering
                         if you bought this girl too many
                         flowers.  So do it if you want to.

                                   JOE
                         Come on man--

                                   DERRICK
                         Joe, if you only act how you think
                         she'll want you to act, she'll be
                         able to tell, and I don't think
                         women want that.  

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, but...

                                   DERRICK
                         It might sound fucked up, but don't
                         be scared to be cool, or nice or
                         whatever when YOU want to be cool
                         or nice.  

                                   JOE
                         But--

                                   DERRICK
                         Trust me, she'll appreciate it more
                         and you'll know for sure if you're
                         into her or not.

                                   JOE
                         --What if I AM scared?

                                   DERRICK
                         Of what?

                                   JOE
                         Well...

                                   DERRICK
                         No, what?

                                   JOE
                         Lets say that I DO do all of those
                         things, and it doesn't make any
                         difference.  

                                   DERRICK
                         And?

                                   JOE
                             (reluctantly)
                         Then I'd have nothing left to hold
                         on to.

               Derrick is floored by this and sits down quickly.

                                   DERRICK 
                         God, it freaks me out sometimes how
                         much we're alike.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah.

                                   DERRICK
                         I'm totally scared of that too, but
                         I'm starting to get sick of it.  I
                         mean, I don't want to be afraid of
                         my potential, or of my idea of
                         myself anymore.  That stuff doesn't
                         mean shit.

                                   JOE
                         I know.
                             (looking at his watch)
                         I'm really late.  I'll see you
                         tonight though, right?

               Joe walks over to the sink and pours the rest of his
               breakfast down the drain.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sure.

               Joe walks towards the front door.

                                   JOE
                         There's more cereal in the
                         cupboard.

               Derrick nods. Joe exits. Derrick gets up. Grabs a box of
               cereal and pours himself a large bowl. He looks into the
               living room at the camping gear and drops his head.

               INT. PETE'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

               Pete sits on a recliner and reads "THE ART OF LOVING."
               Derrick enters. Pete puts his book down.

                                   PETE
                         This book is really fucking good.

                                   DERRICK
                         Glad you like it.

                                   PETE
                         Hey, I got a hold of Amber.  We're
                         going out tonight.

                                   DERRICK
                         That's weird.

                                   PETE
                         Why?

                                   DERRICK
                             (recovering)
                         Oh, I ran into her the other day
                         and--

                                   PETE
                         So yeah, this book.  It's crazy,
                         when you start to think of love as
                         something that needs to be fed, not
                         chased, your whole perspective on
                         it changes.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah.

                                   PETE
                         I was totally off about how there's
                         no difference between finding the
                         perfect job and finding the perfect
                         woman.

                                   DERRICK
                         How come?

                                   PETE
                         Well, cause with women, you've got
                         to search for something that's
                         going to be reciprocal.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Right, but I wouldn't want a job
                         that's NOT reciprocal either.

                                   PETE
                         No, I wouldn't want a job that
                         didn't pay either, you're missing
                         my point.

                                   DERRICK
                         Jesus, that's not what I'm not
                         talking about.  Why do you think
                         things are only there for you to
                         get something out of them?

               Pete stands up.

                                   PETE
                         So, you said you ran into Amber,
                         when?

                                   DERRICK
                         What?

                                   PETE
                         You said you ran into Amber the
                         other day.

                                   DERRICK
                         It was a few days ago.  In your
                         parking lot actually.  

                                   PETE
                         Yeah, her brother lives here.  Why
                         didn't you tell me about it
                         earlier?

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't know.  Shit came up.

               Derrick takes a seat.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         There's something you should know.

               Pete begins to get upset.

                                   PETE
                         What?  You fucked her?

                                   DERRICK
                         No.  God no.  
                             (recovering)
                         She doesn't work downtown, that's
                         all.

               Pete calms down some.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         She lied to you Pete, that's not a
                         good sign.  Hey don't worry about
                         it. 
                         I'll take you to this coffee shop I
                         know, plenty of good looking ladies
                         there.

               Pete sits back down.

                                   PETE
                         It's not that simple.  I mean I
                         believe you, but--

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh, we're all going to this new
                         place, the "Gasworks" tonight. 
                         It's suppose to be different--

                                   PETE
                             (picking up his book)
                         I really want to finish this book
                         today, so....

               Pete begins to read.

                                   DERRICK
                         Hey.  I'm almost done with that
                         book you got for me at the library.

               No response.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Shit Pete, nothing happened.

               Pete continues to read. Derrick takes this as his cue to
               leave and does.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S BEDROOM - DAY

               Derrick turns the last page of "GETTING TO YES." Places it on
               the top of his bookcase. Glances down at the rest of his
               books. Pulls out the "TAO TE CHING." Flips through it and
               stops on a page randomly.

               EXT. DOWNTOWN - MAIN SQUARE - DAY

               Derrick holds the "TAO TE CHING" in his hand.

                                   DERRICK
                             (reading from the book)
                         "The wisest person/ Trusts the
                         process, / Without seeking to
                         control; / Takes everything as it
                         comes, / Lives not to achieve or
                         possess, / But simply to be / All
                         he or she can be / In harmony with
                         the Tao."

               Michelle turns to face Derrick.

                                   MICHELLE
                         So what about your whole theory
                         then?

                                   DERRICK
                         Which one?

                                   MICHELLE
                         The one about having to witness
                         your own idiocy in others?

                                   DERRICK
                         Are you kidding?  I'm the most smug
                         person I know.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Fine, so what about that whole
                         being free of desire part?  

                                   DERRICK
                         Shit Michelle, I'm not going to
                         turn into one of those assholes.  

                                   MICHELLE
                         Whatever works for you.

                                   DERRICK
                         That's just it, it hasn't been
                         working for me, mostly cause I
                         forgot that last part.

                                   MICHELLE
                         What, if you want to 'Be all you
                         can be' why don't you just go join
                         the fucking Army.

                                   DERRICK
                         What's your problem?

               OFFICE DWELLERS on their lunch break stare at Michelle and
               Derrick as they walk by.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Look Michelle, there's no curators
                         pushing me on this one.

                                   MICHELLE
                         You sure about that?

                                   DERRICK
                         I just know it's about time I start
                         fixing some of this stuff we're
                         always talking about.  

                                   MICHELLE
                         Yeah but--

               Derrick looks around.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Hey.  We're all going to some place
                         called "Gasworks" later, you should
                         come, and bring Nick.

               Michelle's puts on her pink helmet.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Would you lay off about that.  I
                         gotta get back to work.

               Michelle jumps on her bike and rides away into a sea of dark
               suits.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S BEDROOM - DAY

               Derrick walks into his room and heads straight for the night
               stand and grabs the Clinic's number. Picks up the phone and
               dials.

                                   FEMALE RECEPTIONIST (FILTERED O.S)
                         David's Clinic, how may I help you?

                                   DERRICK 
                         My name is Derrick Mercer.  I heard
                         that there was a job opening there
                         and I wanted to learn more about it
                         please.

                                   FEMALE RECEPTIONIST (FILTERED O.S.)
                         One moment, I'll transfer you.

               Derrick waits and becomes nervous.

               MOMENTS LATER

               Derrick hangs up the phone excited. Grabs his alarm clock. 
               Set's it for 7:00 am. Takes out an old resume and a pen.

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Derrick prints out an updated resume. Puts it in a folder and
               places it into his canvas bag. Derrick goes to his closet.
               Takes out his SUIT and places it on a chair. Goes back to his
               closet and takes out his bar cloths.

               INT. GASWORKS - TABLE AREA - NIGHT

               The bar is filled with WAIT-ADVERSE TYPES who pour themselves
               beer out of gas pumps after inserting pre-paid BEER CARDS.
               Joe and Holly sit at a table with a pitcher of beer labeled
               "THE GALLON." Young Zeus plays on stage.

                                   HOLLY
                         I think a lot of it is based on
                         physical chemistry.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, me and my last girlfriend, we
                         just didn't click.

                                   HOLLY
                         No, I mean if you're into the way
                         your partner's breath tastes,
                         you've got a better chance at
                         things.  

                                   JOE
                         Oh.

                                   HOLLY
                         Like some guys have terrible
                         breath, but to their wife, they
                         taste great.

                                   JOE
                             (holding up a pack of gum)
                         Yeah, doesn't really apply to me,
                         but okay.

                                   HOLLY
                         Well maybe.  Maybe by normal
                         standards you have fine breath, but
                         to...say that girl over there, you
                         taste like shit.

                                   JOE
                         Thanks, but I'm not really worried
                         with what that girl over there
                         thinks, I'm more concerned with...
                             (motioning in a circle)
                         this vicinity.

               Joe leans in to kiss Holly. They Kiss.

                                   HOLLY
                         I thought you were a shy guy, not
                         such a smooth talker. 

                                   JOE 
                         Well, I am shy.  But that doesn't
                         mean I don't know what to say, just
                         that I don't usually say it.

               Holly pulls up a single lily from under the table and smells
               it.

               Derrick enters. Spots Joe and Holly sitting together and
               walks over.

                                   JOE
                         Holly, this is Derrick.

                                   DERRICK
                         Nice to meet you.

                                   HOLLY
                         Nice to meet you.

                                   DERRICK
                         So?  Joe tells me you're a
                         photographer.

                                   HOLLY
                         Yep.

                                   DERRICK
                         What kind of camera do you use?

                                   HOLLY
                         It's one of those new digital and
                         film cameras. 

               Holly pulls out her camera and takes a quick snap shot of
               Derrick and Joe.

                                   HOLLY (cont'd)
                         So, Joe tells me you're not in to
                         jobs or being manipulated by women.

               Derrick stands there shocked.

               LATER

               "THE GALLON" is empty. Derrick, Joe and Holly are all seated
               closely together.

                                   DERRICK
                         Don't get me wrong, men manipulate
                         women too.

                                   HOLLY
                         Yeah, how?

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, have you ever had a guy act
                         all hurt cause you didn't dance
                         with him, and then by the end of
                         the night, you found yourself
                         dancing with him?

                                   HOLLY
                         Ah hun, but guys can get sensitive
                         about that stuff sometimes.

                                   DERRICK
                         Sure, sure.  Where's the bathroom
                         in this place?

                                   HOLLY
                         No, no.  Let's hear it.  What are
                         some of the other things you've
                         picked up?

               Derrick stands up, ready to leave.

                                   DERRICK
                         You really want to know?

                                   JOE
                         Lets not get into it.

                                   HOLLY
                         Sure, why not?

               Derrick looks over at Joe to get his approval. No objections.

                                   DERRICK
                         Well, the thing about manipulations
                         is that for them to work the person
                         really has to want to believe what
                         you're saying.

               Derrick sits back down and takes a sip of beer.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         So, what is the one thing women
                         want to believe more than anything?

                                   HOLLY
                         That you're a nice guy?

                                   DERRICK
                         Not quite.

                                   HOLLY
                         That you'll respect us?

                                   DERRICK
                         Wrong again.

                                   HOLLY
                         Just tell me.

                                   DERRICK
                         Okay, I actually heard some guy say
                         this once to a woman.  Ready?  

               Holly nods. 

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         "I don't even care if I cum, as
                         long I get the girl off like four
                         or five times, that's all I'm
                         worried about."

                                   HOLLY
                             (thinking it over)
                         That's pretty good.

               Pete enters with Amber. Amber speaks into Pete's ear and
               heads towards the ladies room. Pete approaches the table from
               behind. Derrick, Holly and Joe do not see him.

                                   DERRICK
                         The only catch is it's hard to
                         respect yourself or the women that
                         fall for that stuff.

                                   HOLLY
                         Yeah.  Once you possess what you
                         desire you can no longer really
                         desire it, and for some reason you
                         always treat it differently.

                                   JOE
                         That's why I think love is
                         different.  With love, it's
                         something that you need, and you
                         can't ever really possess what you
                         need.  

               Derrick turns around and sees Pete.

                                   DERRICK
                         You made it!  Here.  Take my seat,
                         I'll be right back.  

               Derrick jumps up and walks towards the bathroom.

               INT. GASWORKS - ENTRANCE AREA - LATER

               Derrick walks out of the bathroom. He faces the ladies room.
               Across the hall his eye's are caught by Amber's.

                                   DERRICK
                         What are you doing here?

                                   AMBER
                         I came with Pete.  

               Derrick turns to go.

                                   AMBER (O.S.) (cont'd)
                         You ran off so quickly last time, I
                         couldn't explain.

                                   DERRICK
                         Explain what?

                                   AMBER
                         That sometimes the friends turn out
                         to surprise you. 

                                   DERRICK
                         But you don't work downtown?

                                   AMBER
                         Hun?

                                   DERRICK
                         At some plus-size women's boutique?

                                   AMBER
                         No.

                                   DERRICK
                         Cause Pete said something about--

                                   AMBER
                         That's just what I say to guys who
                         I like that I meet at bars.  Which
                         usually makes the jerks think twice
                         about calling.

               Pete walks up.

                                   PETE
                         Did someone say my name?

                                   AMBER
                             (moving over to Pete)
                         Yeah, I was just saying how I'm
                         glad you called.

               Derrick looks towards the bar area.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         You all need anything from the bar?

                                   PETE
                         Mister money bags over here.

                                   DERRICK
                             (thinking twice)
                         Pete, could I talk to you for a
                         second?

               INT. GASWORKS - BAR AREA - NIGHT

               Derrick inserts a BEER CARD into the beer pump. Pete
               approaches.

                                   PETE
                         I knew it.

                                   DERRICK
                         What?  Is that why you brought her?

                                   PETE
                         Well yeah. 

                                   DERRICK
                         God, I don't know if I could fuck
                         her even if I wanted to.

               Beer begins to FLOW into the pitcher.

                                   PETE
                         What the hell does that mean?

                                   DERRICK
                         Nothing.  

               Beat.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         Just to let you know, she's not
                         worth it.

                                   PETE
                         Fuck, if you say 'you guys deserve
                         each other' I'm going to take that
                         pump and pour that beer on your
                         fucking head.

               Derrick takes out his BEER CARD. The beer stops pouring into
               the pitcher well short of full.

                                   DERRICK
                         She hit on me that day in your
                         parking lot.

                                   PETE (cont'd)
                         Fuck you.

               Pete walks off.

               INT. GASWORKS - ENTRANCE AREA - MOMENTS LATER

               Pete walks over to Amber. Speaks into her ear. They both
               leave.

               INT. GASWORKS - TABLE AREA - NIGHT

               Joe and Holly have been joined by Michelle and Nick. 

                                   JOE
                         So Nick, did they ever catch those
                         guys that messed you up?

                                   NICK
                         Yeah.  Later that night.

                                   MICHELLE
                         You didn't tell me that.

                                   NICK
                         I thought I did.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Well, you didn't.

                                   NICK
                         I always do that.  I tell one
                         person once, and then I think I've
                         told everyone.  

                                   HOLLY
                         Which is okay, unless of course
                         you've got a girlfriend.

               CAMERA ON MICHELLE AND NICK.

               Derrick walks back to the table.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Look who decided to show up.

               The table turns to face Derrick.  

                                   JOE
                         Where's Pete?

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh, he left.  

               Derrick places the half-full pitcher on the table.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         I've actually got to get going too.

                                   MICHELLE
                         We just got here.  

                                   DERRICK
                         I know.  I'm sorry.  Nice meeting
                         you Holly.  Nick.

               Derrick leaves.

               INT. GASWORKS - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER

               Derrick almost reaches the front door.

                                   MICHELLE (O.S.)
                         Good luck with your interview
                         tomorrow.

                                   DERRICK
                         Hun?

               Derrick turns to face Michelle.

                                   MICHELLE
                         I had Nick call the clinic to put
                         in a good word.  And they said you
                         already set up an interview.

                                   DERRICK
                         Oh.

                                   MICHELLE
                         I talked to him about it and he
                         said the place was actually pretty
                         decent and into a lot of good
                         stuff, environmental biohazards,
                         affordable health care.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah, it sounds right on.

                                   MICHELLE
                         How do you know though?  

                                   DERRICK
                         I don't.

                                   MICHELLE
                         No.  How do you know this is the
                         one thing that needs fixing?

                                   DERRICK
                         I think each person has to figure
                         out what they can do and each
                         person has their own talents.  So
                         there also isn't really any ONE
                         thing that needs to be done, and
                         there doesn't need to be.

                                   MICHELLE 
                         I think I'm going to get back now.

                                   DERRICK
                         Good to see Nick out and about.

                                   MICHELLE
                         Yeah, you could say that. 

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DERRICK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 

               Derrick holds his phone. 

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         This is Pete, leave a message.

                                   DERRICK 
                         Pete.  Hey, I'm sorry.  I don't
                         mean to sound like a dick or
                         anything, but I did say you might
                         need a change of venue from the bar
                         scene. 

               Derrick pulls away the phone in self-disgust.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         God, I can't even apologize right.  

               Derrick puts the phone back up to his face.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         I feel terrible Pete.  I'll make it
                         up to you somehow buddy.

               Derrick hangs up the phone and turns off the light.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. JOE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - THURSDAY MORNING

               Derrick walks towards the front door wearing his SUIT and
               LEATHER WRISTBAND. Joe enters.

                                   JOE
                         Where you going?

                                   DERRICK
                         Job interview.  

                                   JOE
                         Well then, I won't keep you. 
                         Where's it at?

                                   DERRICK
                         That clinic Nick went to.

                                   JOE
                         Well, good luck.

               Joe begins to walk towards his room. Derrick stops him.

                                   DERRICK
                         I guess somebody had a good night?  

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, haven't slept yet.

                                   DERRICK
                         Did you get to use your little pack
                         of gum trick?

                                   JOE
                         Nah, I threw that away. 

               Derrick lets him pass.

                                   DERRICK
                         Good idea.  I'll be back soon.

                                   JOE
                         Hopefully not too soon though.

               Derrick exits.

               INT. DAVID'S CLINIC - RECEPTION AREA - DAY

               Derrick enters.  He walks up to a pretty receptionist with a
               nameplate that reads "ERIN."

                                   DERRICK
                         Hello.

                                   ERIN
                         Do you have an appointment?

                                   DERRICK
                         No, I'm actually here for a job
                         interview.  My name is Derrick
                         Mercer.

                                   ERIN
                         Oh.  Please have a seat.  I'll let
                         the Doctor know you're here.

               Erin picks up the phone and pushes a button.

                                   ERIN
                         Your eight o'clock is here.

               Derrick takes a seat and looks around at the posters on the
               walls. "Mercury Levels unsafe: Limit consumption of sport
               fish." "What does co-op medical care mean to you?" 

               Erin picks up her BOOK and begins to read.

                                   DERRICK
                         Good book?

                                   ERIN
                         Yeah, I love it.  

               Erin holds up "SIDHARTHA," by Hermann Hesse.  

                                   DERRICK
                         Wow.  One of my friends is about to
                         start reading that one, I think.

                                   ERIN
                         Really?  I've read it like five
                         times.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah?  Hey, he'll probably have
                         some questions about it.  Do you
                         think he could give you a call
                         sometime if any come up?

                                   ERIN
                         Ah, Sure.

               The phone rings. Erin picks it up and raises the "one sec"
               finger to Derrick.

                                   ERIN (cont'd)
                         David's Clinic, how may I help you?

               MOMENTS LATER

               Erin walks over to where Derrick sits.

                                   ERIN
                         There's someone on the phone for
                         you.

                                   DERRICK
                         Really?  Thanks.

               Derrick walks up to the reception desk and picks up the
               phone. Erin disappears through a door marked "Office."

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         You really need to get a cell phone
                         dude.

                                   DERRICK
                         How'd you get this number?

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         Joe.  Anyway, I'm about to go to
                         work, but I just wanted to clear up
                         all this shit first and say I'm
                         sorry about last night.

                                   DERRICK
                         Ah, don't mention it.

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         No, you were just looking out for
                         me.  I talked with Amber about all
                         this stuff and--

                                   DERRICK
                         Don't worry about her.  I think I
                         know how to make it up to you.
                         She's even reading Sidhartha.

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         That's alright man.  Me and Amber
                         really did talk about all this
                         stuff, and I want to see if I can
                         make things work.

                                   DERRICK
                         Well.  That's great man.

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         She might have been into you at
                         first, but she really does like me. 
                         We've actually got a lot in common.

                                   DERRICK
                         Yeah?

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         And just to let you know, she
                         wasn't hitting on you last night.

                                   DERRICK
                         I know.

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         You really need to get over
                         yourself.

                                   DERRICK
                         You're probably right.

               Erin reappears and walks over to Derrick.

                                   ERIN
                         The doctor will see you now. 

                                   DERRICK
                             (into phone)
                         I've gotta go.

                                   PETE (FILTERED O.S.)
                         Good luck.

               Derrick hangs up the phone. Erin hands Derrick a piece of
               paper with her number on it.

                                   ERIN 
                         What's your friend's name?  So I
                         know who it is when he calls?

               Derrick thinks for a moment.

                                   DERRICK
                         Derrick Mercer.

               Beat.

                                   DERRICK (cont'd)
                         I'll be sure that he gets this.

               Erin smiles. Derrick puts the number into his pocket and
               walks over to the only other door in the waiting room besides
               the entrance. He looks back at Erin, questioningly.

                                   ERIN
                         Yeah, right through there.

               Derrick opens the door and walks in.

               "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)," by The Arcade Fire begins to
               play.

               FADE OUT.