3-13

Since I have the distinct pleasure of living in Washington, DC, I’m asked by a lot of folks outside the Beltway (most of whom are on I-95 trying to get inside the Beltway) if the politics in Washington are really as bad as everyone says. In the interest of enlightening all my loyal readers (Hi honey! What’s for dinner?) I’ll tell you that the answer is a resounding no.

As always, Congress is involved in tackling the major issues, some of which we’ll go over in a minute, but first a small refresher course. It’s a safe bet that in high school you had a class that for whatever reason was called “Social Studies,” that taught you how a bill is introduced, how a bill becomes a law, and why the state of South Carolina keeps electing Strom Thurmond (answer: they’re idiots). It’s also a safe bet that you spent most of that class ignoring the teacher and staring at some cute chick’s boobs, unless you’re a woman, or from Provincetown. I personally failed Social Studies because our teacher was insane. Literally. The year after he taught our class he gave a lecture about the end of the world. Thank god for the nerdy kids or I don’t think anyone would have noticed. Bottom line, a bill is introduced in either the House or the Senate, and then referred to a subcommittee with a cool name like The Subcommittee on Marketing, Inspection, and Product Promotion (no kidding). Eventually it comes up on the floor, where it’s debated and debated and debated on C-Span (now THAT’S reality television).

I’m no mathematician, but I’m guilty of understatement when I say a “real whole lot” of bills are introduced in every Congress. All of them are of massive pressing importance to the country, and one is no more important than any other. Sure, we may hear more about the tax cut proposal and some of the more “popular bills,” but lets consider these important bills and resolutions that have come up so far in the 107th Congress (which, I might add, is only three months old – let it never be said Congress doesn’t work fast to solve the major issues).

-- A resolution was introduced “expressing the sense of Congress regarding the primary author and the official home of ‘Yankee Doodle’”. I always understood it to be “some British guy,” or maybe Bryan Adams, but after they debate this awhile, we’ll know for sure. I'm waiting with baited breath and macaroni in my hat.

-- There was a recent resolution “recognizing the vital importance of hunting as a legitimate tool of wildlife resource management.” Now if they could only recognize assault rifles as a legitimate tool of hunting, we’d be all set.

-- A Senate resolution was passed “Commending the Georgia Southern University Eagles football team for winning the 2000 NCAA Division I-AA football championship.” This sticks in the craw of us UMass alumni, as the Minutemen fall almost every year to the Eagles. Another resolution congratulated the Baltimore Ravens for winning the Super Bowl. No congrats for you Oklahoma folks though, even though you’ve got a former college star and an NFL Hall of Famer as Congressmen.

-- Introduced in the Senate, S. 117, AKA the “Quality Cheese Act” is “A bill to prohibit products that contain dry ultra-filtered milk products or casein from being labeled as domestic natural cheese, and for other purposes.” Apparently those mozzarella sticks at Uno’s aren’t as healthy as we thought they were. I’m not sure what the hell casein is, but if it costs less than domestic natural cheese, bring it on. I'm also worried about those "other purposes." Those seem to show up on a lot of bills, and could be anything from a Congressional pay raise to endorsing sodomy as a form of debt collection. You've really got to read the fine print when it comes to your government.

There has also been a flurry of activity regarding our favorite ex-president.

-- A resolution was introduced “to recognize the 90th birthday of Ronald Reagan”. I guess instead of voting on this, Congress says “Oh yeah, I recognize that.”

-- A bill was introduced “To authorize the establishment of a memorial to former President Ronald Reagan within the area in the District of Columbia, to provide for the design and construction of such memorial, and for other purposes.” I was always under the impression that someone had to be dead to get a memorial but since we’ve already given him an airport, a federal building, and who knows what else, I guess we’re making an exception. One thing he hasn’t gotten yet, though, is a post office. Fortunately that will change because of

-- HR 395, “To designate the facility of the United States Postal Service located at 2305 Minton Road in West Melbourne, Florida, as the "Ronald W. Reagan Post Office of West Melbourne, Florida". I like the “of West Melbourne, Florida,” which indicates that hundreds of other Ronald Reagan post offices will be popping up across the country. Why West Melbourne? Did he once vacation there? Was one of those movies with the monkey shot there? He certainly wasn’t brought up there, which I know because of

-- HR 400, “To authorize the Secretary of the Interior to establish the Ronald Reagan Boyhood Home National Historic Site, and for other purposes.” This would be in Northern Illinois, where apparently the Gimper was brought up. The “other purposes” here cover the fact that the government doesn’t actually own the land on which they want to create this historic site (that bill will be footed by you, dear taxpayer). I really think we should create the Rutherford B. Hayes Boyhood Home National Historic Site and the Millard Fillmore Boyhood Home National Historic Site first, but that’s not going to stop me from booking my ticket to Northern Illinois.

I hope I’ve managed to ease your mind a little. Your tax dollars are going to very good causes; namely, talking about what to do with your tax dollars. Your elected officials are getting a lot done for a group that gets a measly 175-or-so days off a year.

By the way, the full text of every bill introduced can be monitored on the Library of Congress’ “Thomas” site. I read this like some people read the comics, and in most cases it’s funnier.