I’ve never one to turn down a new Federal holiday (there’s a resolution in the Senate right now for “National Murder Awareness Day” – I don’t know about you but I’m infinitely less likely to kill someone if I’ve got a paid day off), but I’m not sure turning Election Day into a holiday will increase voter turnout. I vote because that’s 10 or 15 minutes I don’t have to be at work. Giving me the day off would result in my sleeping until noon, then watching Little House on the Prairie while repeatedly saying “I’ll leave in 15 minutes” until 9:00 at night, when the polls will be closed, unless I’m in Missouri.
I’ve got no problem with the removal of the Electoral College since, like most folks, I thought it was a small liberal arts school in Indiana. Most people didn’t care about our electoral system until it cost their man the election, which struck them as vastly unfair and made them very angry, until the NFL playoffs started, when most people (including me) forgot about it.
Which leads nicely to my point; the complete overhaul of the American electoral system. There’s no question that sports hold a greater place in the hearts of Americans than politics, and rightfully so, since sports are something we feel some measure of control over. We as Americans may not have the ability to influence elections, but we can wave a big foam hand and scream real loud as Shaq bricks another free throw.
So how to combine the two into a system we can use? Here’s my plan: every election year, starting in late May during the dead period after the hockey and basketball seasons have wound down, we pick the 15 most eligible Republicans and the 15 most eligible Democrats, assign them seeds based on the likelihood of their actually becoming president, and have ourselves a tournament. This past election, for example, Bush would have been a solid #5, seeding him against #12 Orrin Hatch. Independent, third party candidates would be chosen by a small play-in, sort of like a conference tournament. People would vote online for their favorite Independent candidate, and the two most popular will enter the Big Dance as #16 seeds. Jesse Ventura could be the Gonzaga of the Presidential election. (I know the NCAA tourney has 64 teams, but let's be realistic; we have a hard enough time coming up with two qualified candidates, much less 64).
The question arises, however, how do we decide who advances? Debates and stump speeches are all well and good, but they don’t get to the heart of what a president needs to be – an intelligent, multitalented multitasker who works great under pressure, and ideally has some grasp of the English language. Therefore, I propose that the rounds be decided as follows:
1st round – Working the lunch shift at a Downtown DC McDonalds. Talk about pressure; you should see a Connecticut Avenue lawyer if he doesn’t get his McChicken in 45 seconds. Most candidates would probably begin eating the food instinctually since they rarely pay for meals, making this round easier for the Republicans. They seem to be thinner, most likely because they feed only on the blood of the middle class, but I can’t see Henry Hyde (pictured above, with four "good friends") being able to resist sticking his face under the shake machine. We’ll see how long they can work with the knowledge they’re making $4.50 an hour – maybe that will stop them from repeatedly killing the minimum wage hike. The first candidate to go insane and start chucking chicken nuggets loses.
2nd round – Substitute teacher in Downtown Chicago. If you want to know how much education reform is needed, spend a day in the city where 80 percent of the schools failed standardized testing. (Thus answering Bush’s question “Is our children learning?” with a resounding no). Again Republicans may have the advantage, as they’d simply start handing out vouchers, thereby sending the children to the nearest quality school system, possibly Helena, Montana. Al Gore would have had problems getting by this round, seeing as how he can’t keep his students awake at Columbia, where they’re paying thousands of dollars to hear him. A candidate is disqualified if he is shot.
3rd round – Whitewater rafting on the Nantahala River – A genuine test of the candidate’s physical fortitude, a solo jaunt down a river so fast and dark the Cherokee called it “the place where only the noonday sun can shine." One might think that this might give North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms an advantage, what with it being on his home turf, but the odds on him living past round two are remarkably slim. Once you’ve survived flipping your boat and getting sucked into one of hundreds of underwater chutes, uniting Ariel Sharon and Yassar Arafat won’t seem like such a big deal.
4th round – Working in a pressure situation – The American people can be assured that those who advance from the final four have balls of solid steel. This contest will change with every election cycle, but I envision something along these lines: The candidate and his chosen running mate are placed on a plane (in coach, of course) with 200 other passengers, most of whom have severe B.O. The plane is delayed six hours and sits on the tarmac the whole time. When it finally takes off, it’s taken hostage by a paranoid schizophrenic who only speaks Mandarin. The hijacker has two guns and a bomb that will explode in eighteen minutes. Then the plane catches fire and the cabin depressurizes, rendering the crew unconscious. Two women in the rear of the plane go into labor, and another passenger questions how much he would save under the candidate's tax proposal, as a homeowner with three children.The candidate and his running mate must diffuse the hostage situation, put out the fire, deliver the children, outline a specific and justifiable tax plan which benefits members of all income levels, land the plane, and get all the passengers off before the bomb explodes. Not only would John McCain kick ass at this, he’d also convince the hijacker we need immediate campaign finance reform.
The candidates thus whittled down to two, the American people head to the polls. Provided Little House is over, of course.