| J. Danforth ("Dan")
Quayle's stupidity is only matched by the stupidity of
the people who voted him to within a heartbeat of the US
Presidency. - Quayle
avoided the Vietnam War, by having his politically
connected relatives pull strings to get him safely into
the National Guard.
- His alleged (self-proclaimed) drug
dealer was thrown into solitary confinement before he
could talk to the press -- until after the presidentia
election.
- He's dumber than a mud fence
- Attempted (and Failed) Adultery
- Surprisingly Bad Health
- Quotes by Dan Quayle
Like George Bush, Jr. and Steve Forbes, Dan Quayle was
a wealthy young man who avoided Vietnam by joining the
National Guard. Unlike college deferments, open to anyone
who stayed in college, National Guard slots were limited
and highly sought after, particularly by budding young
politicians who wanted to say they "joined up."
Each of these three candidates had very politically
connected families who presumably pulled strings; in
Quayle's case we have the strongest evidence of that. His
uncle asked Wendell Phillippi to put in a good word for
Quayle. Phillippi, a former commanding general of the
Indiana Guard, was at that time the managing editor of
the Quayle-family-owned "Indianapolis News"
paper.
Listen to his own words:
"Obviously, if you join the National Guard, you
have less of a chance of going to Vietnam. I mean it goes
without saying." -- Quayle on NBC's `Meet the
Press', 9/20/92. (reported in the Houston Chronicle
9/21/92)
"I do -- I do -- I do -- I do -- what any normal
person would do at that age. You call home. You call home
to mother and father and say, `I'd like to get into the
National Guard.'" -- Quayle, 8/19/88 (reported in
Esquire, 8/92)
"I did not know in 1969 that I would be in this
room today, I'll confess." -- Quayle in 1988
responding to questions about allegations that he used
family connections to get into the Indiana National Guard
(reported in the Washington Post, 8/26/88).
"When you get into conflict, and regional
conflicts, I mean, you have to have certain goals, and a
goal cannot be really a no-win situation." (reported
in the Washington Post, 9/6/88).
"I got into the Guard fairly. There were no rules
broken, to my knowledge... I, like many, many other
Americans, had particular problems about the way the war
was being fought. But yes, I supported my president and I
supported the goal of fighting communism in
Vietnam." -- Quayle (reported in High Times, 11/92)
Even when denying he dodged the draft, Quayle admits
that he didn't want to fight or even be part of the war.
Quayle's spokesman David Beckwith told reporters in 1992
that "as the war was being fought in a no-win
fashion, he, along with everyone else, was against the
war as it was being conducted." Quayle himself
added, incorrectly, that "in 1969, even President
Nixon didn't support the war in Vietnam."
Quayle's defense has been that there were always
openings in the National Guard, so he didn't need special
favors. This is a half-truth at best. Only the
headquarters of the Indiana National Guard had any
openings, and these were reserved for what Guard
officials called "intelligent and presentable
people," though special connections usually proved
more important. Quayle's connection steered him to these
hidden slots and helped him get one. Meanwhile, other
units in Indianapolis and elsewhere in Indiana had
waiting lists of up to 1,000 people, right up until the
draft was eliminated, and these people were not told
about the headquarters unit. An exact figure for Indiana
is not available, but nationwide over 100,000 men were on
waiting lists to get into the National Guard.
Even a casual reading of Quayle's quotes makes it
clear that he has serious trouble thinking. These are not
isolated, out of context quotes; we selected the ones on
this page from hundreds or equally or even more dumb
statements; these are just the funniest or wildest ones.
Quayle was a poor student at DePauw university, with a
2.4 grade point average, and numerous Ds in political
science, his major.
He got into the University of Indiana Law School
despite a policy they had to reject all applicants with
averages below 2.6. Quayle told frat brothers that he
applied to law school because he heard that "lawyers
make lots of money and do little." The Dean of
Admissions was G. Kent Frandsen, a Republican city judge
who was always endorsed by the local Quayle-family-owned
newspaper. The Quayles gave lots of money to the law
school, and the Admissions Dean later officiated at
Quayle's marrige, and served as his campaign manager in
Boone County when Quayle ran for senate.
Even with all of these connections, the only way
Quayle was admitted was as part of an affirmative action
program designed for disadvantaged students, primarily
black students.
Many current politicians and political candidates have
admitted marijuana use, from Bill Clinton and Al Gore to
Newt Gingrich, and it hardly seems like much of a scandal
anymore. But in Dan Quayle's case, he acts and speaks in
such a constantly stoned manner, and his mental abilities
are in such doubt, that you have to wonder what he might
have taken.
According to Alexander Cockburn in "The
Nation" magazine, Quayle's fraternity -- the
notorious DKE or "Dekes" -- held a 1968 party
with a psychedelic theme, called "The Trip." (A
great b-movie drug exploitation film of that name came
out about that time.) Cockburn says that the DePauw
University yearbook has a picture of Quayle with this
caption: "'The Trip' is a colorful psychedelic
journey into the wild sights and sounds produiced by
LSD."
Later, convicted drug dealer Brett Kimberlin told WBAI
radio in New York that Quayle met him at a fraternity pot
party. This was in November, 1988, just before the
presidential election. "He found out that I had
marijuana avilable at the time," said Kimberlin.
"It was good quality, and he asked if I had any for
sale....I thought it was kind of strange. He looked kind
of straight. I thought he might be a narc [DEA agent] at
first. But we talked and I felt a little more
comfortable, and finally I gave him my phone number and
said, 'Hey, well, give me a call.' He called me a couple
weeks later, and said, 'Hey, this is DQ. Can we get
together?' and I said 'Yes, meet me at the Burger Chef
restaurant.' We struck up a relationship that lasted for
18 months. I sold him small quantities of marijuana for
his personal use about once a month during that period.
He was a good customer. He was a friend of mine. We had a
pretty good relationship. He always paid cash. [...] When
him and Marilyn got married in 1972, I gave him a wedding
present of some Afghanistan hashish and some Acapulco
gold."
Kimberlin, like most convicts, has some credibility
problems, but the official reaction to his statements
actually gave credence to what he said. Kimberlin's
scheduled press conference, 4 days before the election,
was canceled and Kimberlin was placed in solitary
confinement. The day before the election, Kimberlin was
again put in solitary for attempting to contact
reporters, and was later disciplined to further attempts.
An official of Quayle's 1988 campaign admitted calling
a Justice Department official and expressing
"amazement" that Kimberlin was scheduled to
have a news conference in prision that evening. He was
told it was within Kimberlin's rights. But later in the
day, the director of the entire US Bureau of Prisons, J.
Michael Quinlan intervented to cancel the news
conference. Quinn's ultimate boss, of course, was Ronald
Reagan who was president at the time. George Bush Sr. was
Vice President and Quayle's running mate.
Kimberlin later sued Quinn and US District Judge
Harold H. Greene ruled that the allegations were
"tangible and detailed" enough to justify a
trial. The suit was later thrown out on appeal, with the
9 appeals courts judges voting almost exactly on party
lines.
In September 1993, Justice Department inspector
general concluded that officials unfairly disciplined
Kimberlin, but concluded that there was no
"conspiracy to silence" him.
Though he spoke out against drugs in the 1988 and 1992
elections, Quayle was more supportive of marijuana in
earlier years. In 1977 and 1978, he wrote articles
supporting decriminilization of marijuana.
On the day Bush named Dan Quayle as his surprise
choice for Vice-President, the giddy young Senator was
rushed to join Bush on the campaign trail. Dan Rather
asked Quayle what his worst fear was. Quayle honestly
answered "Paula Parkinson".
On March 6, 1981 the Wilmington, Delaware News-Journal
reported that Parkinson, a Washington D.C. agricultural
lobbyist took a Florida vacation, and shared a cottage,
with Quayle and Republican Congressmen Thomas Evans and
and Tom Railsback. Parkinson, who later posed for Playboy
and claimed affairs with at least 5 Congressmen, was
apparently a very persuasive lobbyist; she was then
fighting federal crop-insurance legislation and all three
voted against it. Quayle denied having sex with her, and
she confirmed that, though only because she was sleeping
with Evans at the time. However, she said about Quayle
that ""We flirted a lot and danced extremely
close and suggestively. He said he wanted to make
love." In his own defense, Quayle said: "I hope
there's some respect and dignity for things I did not
do."
So what's worse -- cheating on your wife, as Clinton
did, or dirty dancing with another woman and trying to
cheat on your wife, but getting rejected?
There are so many great Dan Quayle quotes, and many
are very famous. At least one of his bloopers --
"What a terrible thing it is to lose one's
mind..." -- is now in Bartlett's Famous Quotations!
We're starting out with some lesser known gems, so if you
want to skip ahead to his famous bloopers, click here.
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...
somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very
important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means
there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
breathe." -- Quayle, 8/11/89 (reported in Esquire,
8/92)
"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman." --
Quayle
"We should develop anti-satellite weapons because
we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm
Rising'."-- Quayle
"Republicans have been accused of abandoning the
poor. It's the other way around. They never vote for
us." -- Quayle,1988
"Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't
deposit enough money to cover losses due to
mismanagement." -- Quayle, 1988
"Are they taking DDT?" -- Quayle asking
doctors at a Manhattan AIDS clinic about their treatments
of choice, 4/30/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92, and NY
Post early May 92)
"The best thing about rain forests is they never
suffer from drought."-- Quayle
"Let me tell you something. As we were walking
around in the store, Marilyn and I were just really
impressed by all the novelties and the different types of
little things that you could get for Christmas. And all
the people that would help you, they were dressed up in
things that said, "I believe in Santa Claus."
And the only thing that I could think is that I believe
in George Bush." ---- Senator Dan Quayle
"I was known as the chief grave robber of my
state." ---- Quayle
"My position is that I understand from a medical
situation, immediately after a rape is reported, that a
woman normally, in fact, can go to the hospital and have
a D and C. At that time... that is before the forming of
a life. That is not anything to do with abortion."
---- Senator Dan Quayle, explaining that Dilatation and
Curettage, a form of abortion which occurs after
fertilization, is not really abortion
"You're a very strong woman... Though this would
be a traumatic experience that you would never forget, I
think that you would be very successful in life. "
---- Senator Dan Quayle, telling an 11-year-old girl why
he would want her to have the baby if she were raped by
her father
"It was just a job. It wasn't any special
interest in consumer affairs. I needed a paycheck and the
Attorney General said that I would be best to go down
there, because he knew I was anti-consumer." ----
Quayle, talking about his job as Chief investigator,
consumer protection division of the Indiana Attorney
General's office from 1970-1971
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer
people going to the polls."-- Quayle, 1988
"It isn't pollution that's harming the
environment. It's the impurities in our air and water
that are doing it." -- Quayle, 1988
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage
between a mother and child." -- Quayle, US News and
World Report (10/10/88)
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my
fellow astronauts." -- Quayle addressing the 20th
anniversary celebration of the moon landing, 7/20/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"You always learn something by reading the
classics. Particularly The Prince. I go through and look
at this from this intellectual point of view. Machiavelli
had these three classes of mind. The first class was the
person that was creative enough to be leader and be able
to lead a great nation without much help. The second
class of mind was one that wasn't creative but could take
ideas, put people around him, and be able to lead nations
forward. And the third class of people didn't really know
much of anything. And they were the worst kind of
leaders, because not only were they not creative, but
they didn't know what was right or wrong, and they just
sort of went by whatever they felt like.
I've tried to figure out where I am. I know I'm not the
first because I don't think I have the creativeness that
Machiavelli talks about. If I go back and reread it I
might figure it out exactly where I put myself. I'm
somewhere between two and one."-- Senator Dan Quayle
gives his opinion of the book `The Prince', 9/28/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public
by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so.
No one was fooled." -- Quayle, 1988
"Votes are like trees, if you are trying to build
a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests,
then at that point the pollsters will probably say you
will win." ---- Senator Dan Quayle, during the '88
campaign
"We'll let the sunshine come in and shine on us,
because today we're happy and tomorrow we'll be even
happier." -- Senator Dan Quayle, addressing students
at a high school in Miami with the highest dropout rate
of the city
"Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing
that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In
other words a good offense wins." -- Quayle
comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact
with the defensive system of NATO, 9/8/88 (reported in
Esquire, 8/92)
"We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work
toward the elimination of human rights." -- Quayle
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward
more freedom and democracy - but that could
change."-- Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire,
8/92)
"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of
failure." --Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum,
3/23/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Also reported by
Reuters, 5/2/90
"I not going to focus on what I have done in the
past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American
people. The American people will judge me on what I am
saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the
Congress." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope
to the world."-- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card
"I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify
with workers that have had a difficult time." --
Quayle addressing workers at an Ohio steel plant,1988
"[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain
embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo,
Jimmy Carter grain embargo." -- Quayle, during the
Benson debate
"We shouldn't have to be burdened with all the
technicalities that come up from time to time with
shrewd, smart lawyers interpreting what the laws or what
the Constitution may or may not say." ----
Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now
it's my turn. I'm my own handler. Any questions? Ask me
... There's not going to be any more handler stories
because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin."--
Quayle responding to press reports his aides having to,
in effect, "potty train" him
"I would guess that there's adequate low-income
housing in this country." -- Quayle
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the
solar system." -- Quayle, on the concept of a manned
mission to Mars
"Perestroika is nothing more than refined
Stalinism." ---- Senator Dan Quayle
"Let me say it one more time. It is
ill-rel-e-vant. ... [Why?] Because. Because I say it
isn't." ---- Senator Dan Quayle, explaining why
questions about his parents' ties to the John Birch
Society aren't relevant
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate
things." -- Quayle
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part
of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a
part of Europe."--Quayle
"Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not
racists." -- Quayle, regarding David Duke's
candidacy
"Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is,
and how, what a challenge it is, because the real
question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!" -- Quayle,
8/17/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in
the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the
United States that is an island that is right
here."-Quayle, in Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in
Esquire, 8/92)
"What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind.
Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is." --
Quayle, winning friends while speaking to the United
Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92,
and the NY Times, 12/9/92).This gem has been added to
Bartlett's `Familiar Quotations'.
"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy
campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far
as I am concerned, happy campers you will always
be." -- Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose
capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his
opinion of the Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene
period in our nation's history." Then, trying to
clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this
century's history" and added a confusing comment.
"We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this
century," he said. -- (reported in Esquire, 8/92,
The New Yorker, 10/10/88, p.102)
Quayle is still one of the younger candidates for
president, though he has been in the public eye for a
decade, and he tries to portray a sense of youthful vigor
and energy. But his campaign tries to avoid any
discussion of Quayle's very real health problems, which
might limit his ability to serve as president if elected.
First Quayle developed phlebitis in a vein near the
surface of one of his legs in 1993. This condition can
lead to deadly blood clots, heart attacks and strokes. In
1994, one of these blood clots broke free and lodged in
his lung, sending Quayle to the intensive care unit for a
week.
In 1995, he had an appendectomy, and the biopsy found
a nonmalignant tumor calleda "mucinous
cystadenoma" on the appendix.
"Dan Quayle is more stupid than Ronald Reagan put
together." - - - Matt Groening, 1993 "If life
were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking,
'Do you want fries with that?'" - - - John Cleese
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