When they decide to share their lives with someone they think may be worthy.

They usually have someone in mind, someone who others consider "special", but they just managed to consider human, more or less.

There is usually pressure from friends, relatives, and other such acquaintences to get "married."

But do they know what they are asking for?

What is a marrige to "them" anyway?

Most of the poeple I've encountered hadn't had one, but assumed "they" knew what it was, but then why do almost half the marriges end in divorce?

Well, I have heard some of the stuff in the "ceremony", and it didn't sound all that bright and chipper to me.

The way I figure it the ceremony is something that should be preceeded with

"Settle down for 5 minutes, then we can get back to the party!"

Most guys have the night before "last wild fling"
 

but from then on everyone assumes his sex life is dead anyway.

Who's to say they're wrong?

I do.

So thus:

 
 

The Discordian Wedding.

This isn't meant to be a quiet, somber affair by a long shot. In point of fact, it is best to be combined with the "bacholor/ette party" such as it is.

If such a case is true, then there is no point in inviting parents, or anyone remotely Greyfaced for that matter, they just won't understand.

So the time is set for 5:00 some night when you can get both "parties" into one house at the same time.

The celebrants need to deliver "pet" names that they are to be referred to for the entire night.

It's nice if they write down promises that are realistic, as opposed to something lame like "cherish". Promising to watch the kid(s) so she can go out once or twice a week will generally go over much better. And that whole "obey" crap, just promise hugs, kisses, and blowjobs once a week, at least, and they'll both have satisfied smiles on their faces when they turn for the Public Showing of Affection, a.k.a. The Kiss.

Make sure that the people invited understand what's going on.

Rent a hall, a big hotel suite, or a hotel wing.

Want to have a stripper? Have her make out with the Chippendale. They'll both get a kick out of it. After all you have to have balance.

You need a big cake... go for a big sheet cake on the bottom, with a smaller one on top of that, with a round ice cream cake, followed by a round birthday cake to symbolize the "rebirth" of two people into one, if you can get the store to add an off-center Sacred Chao, even better, then a cupcake for the top with a single candle of any sort. Liberally add cherries, nuts, and whipped cream.  All sorts of symbolism there.

Make sure the liquor isn't flowing until after 10:00, so that everyone has a chance to enjoy the party sober as well as drunk. Try Serving a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. However much alcohol is served, make it crystal clear that there will be no drugs of any other sort.

Rent pornos. Enact pornos. Have a bunch of drunken monkeys re-enact the Battle of Gettysburg.

Around Midnight or so, Whomsoever is preforming the ceremony needs to bring the wild romp down to a dull roar and announce that the ceremony is about to begin.

Nice music should accompany the bride down the aisle. Not that funeral dirge that most use. Something... special. "Welcome to the Jungle", Van Halen, something that rocks, in her opinion, but something that moves her. Switching to an instrumental of "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails as they join together.

The Pope or Mome preforming the ceremony should at least be a ULC Priest, so that it's legal and all in some states. It's free anyway.

S/he or he/she, whoever you have to assemble this little shindig, should begin with the lines from a great movie:

"Mawwige. . .  is. . . a . . . . Sacwed Twust."

"And I am trusting that all the people gathered here today are able to prove that they are really Human Beings, and not Cabbages or something. If you suspect you are a Cabbage, I would ask that you please upgrade your status at the bar, and not come back until you no longer have thoughts."

"Having said thus, I shall go into this thing, and assure myself that the two of you somewhat understand this giant pot you are getting into."

"It is not a thing to be undertaken lightly, unless you are into collecting wives and/or husbands. It involves sexual congress, monetary conjunction, and sometimes even living together. It may involve kids now, or children down the line. It represents a stage in a single human's life, where they decide that they want some elements of their life to ... calm down. Of course, we all understand that simply makes other parts want to hustle to the point of bursting. But it does indeed happen. We seem to have found another person that we want to join with. Again and again. Let's have a 'Woo-Hoo' from the assembly on Joining!

Assembly: "Woo-Hoo!"

"Most people, when they decide to go through with this thing, have already found ... a few little things that ... kinda annoy them, and they want to change. Change in the right hands, is a great thing. Let's have a moment of honesty and have these two share just one little thing that they are willing to forgive in each other, but gets on each others nerves just a little.  (Ladies first, if it applies)

Pet Name 1: Lists something.

Pet Name 2: Lists something else, preferably not the same thing.

"Now that was communication. Something that never needs to change. If communication is only possible between two equals, and one of you thinks that the other isn't sharing quite enough, don't jump on their back, and Demand that they speak to you! Let's have a "No!" from the assembly. Should you demand to be spoken to?" Raises hand for cue.

Assembly: "No!"

"Think in the real world. If they're not talking, they don't feel equal. That is the most important thing in a marrage. That give and take Sacred Chao kind of equality that so many people need to feel. Don't nag about weaknesses, compliment them with your own strength. All the "self help" people say to talk about problems. Some people think you can drink away problems! Let's have a "Yeah!" for drinking."

Assembly: "Yeah!"

"But do your problems stay gone? No. They don't. We all know that. Talking? Talking is good for some problems. You can talk through a "Time" problem. Just remember that some problems require Action! Not just from one of you, anymore! By the time we're done, all you need is each other, some good friends, drinking buddies, and friends that'll help you move bodies! That kind of togetherness can move mountains! Can we move mountains, when we want to?" Raise hand for cue.

Assembly: "Yeah!"

"Now that all that's out of the way, it's the happy couple's turn to speak. (Pet name 1:) What would you like to say to this Guy/Chick/Mongoose that you want to spend a goodly part of your life with? Now remember, don't make promises your not sure about keeping, and make him/her/it feel good about what you say."

Pet name 1: Says his/her/it's vows.

"Now that was good. (Nitpick one vow until they change it, but don't be mean.) So you see, this one has the capability to change his/her/it's mind. Now lets hear what (Pet name 2) has to say in response to (Pet name 1's) promises.

Pet name 2: Responds to (Pet name 1's) vows.

"Now that was pretty. What to you, (Pet name 2) want to promise in return for what (Pet name 1) has to offer?"

Pet name 2: Says his/her/it's vows.

"(Nitpick one vow until they change it, but don't be mean.) So you see, this one has the capability to change his/her/it's mind, as well. This ability to undergo examination and accept critisizm is One of the Components of a healthy mind, as well as a healthy marrige. Now your up, (Pet name 1), what is your response to (Pet name 2's) vows?"

Pet name 1: Responds to (Pet name 2's) vows.

"This, my friends, and you are all, my friends, is how communication works. That is how you stay friends with someone. If you aren't friends, how can you be married? You don't need to be carbon copies of each other to get along and sleep together. Variety is the spice of life. Never forget that. As well as the fact that spices come in many flavors, and in all kinds of pretty little jars. Some may even buy in bulk, and have large jars. Now I have to talk about something that is usually is the biggest factor in marrige. Will the Breast Man and the Bride's Frankenstien please bring them chairs?"

"A lot of people find out something unpleasant about marrige after a while. They discover that after the Kama Sutra, which has a lot less about sex than you dirty people think, there's not much left to do in bed. This invariably leads to feelings of inadaquacy. But this is not the case.

"Children's stories tell you that. Of someone who ate their fill at every table until they found out something had to die to put it there. So they decided, no more. They said to themselves, 'I shall eat nothing if something has to die to put it there. No more steak, no more fish, no more chicken, not even eggs. Milk is all right.' Said children's book forgetting that plants are alive as well said, 'I shall eat bread, butter, jam, milk, and water from now on.' You know what? That book is unreal. People cannot, medically, survive on that kind of diet for the rest of their lives. But there are those who try. Do you know the ending to that story? He was invited to Christmas dinner. And he succumbed to the temptation.

"It had nothing to do with thought, which is disease, as you know, it had to do with desire. Desire is the root of all people, and that which pulls us. We are not led by desire, we follow it willingly. Sometimes disastrously. But one thing we as a people cannot afford to do is hold moments of desire against each other. Who here can say without fear of contradiction that they have never told a lie? Ever. No one can. That's the truth. Someone who never lies to anyone becomes unpopular really fast. But when faced with the Truth, people turn away if they don't like it. Facts don't cease to exist because they are ignored. And one of the facts of human existance is that we like sex. We are, in fact, the only thing on this planet besides dolphins that have sex for pleasure. Let's have a moan for pleasure from the assembled."

Assembly: "Moan."

"But eating fillet minion every day... people's minds can't handle it. You wonder why some marriges end in such bitter divorces? Sexual neglect. People having sex on a semi-regular basis are flooded with chemicals, natural chemicals, that make life easier. That make little problems solvable, instead of having them nag worse than a horse's wife. But people today are too busy, you say. How long does the average encounter last, really? Yes, some have gone for hours at a strech, but on the average? 15 to 20 minutes. Sometimes less than that.

"How can you say, at the altar, that you might not manage that later? You can't. So don't try. You may now stand. Please take the chairs. And now, after I am very tired, may I have a drink?

"Thank you. "

"Do you two understand what you are getting into after all this? Cause we don't want to be here for the seperation, and trying to split your stuff up. Cats don't go well in halves.

"Do you, (Pet name 1), take (Pet name 2), to be yours, to cuddle and be there for, in mental sickness and physical health, for as long as you can stand each other, which we all hope is a very long time, 'till you can stands no more?

Pet name 1: I will.

"And do you (Pet name 2), want (Pet name 1), to do horribly fun things with, with financial largess, and time set aside for "me-time", for as long as you can stand each other, which we all hope is a very long time, 'till you can stands no more?

Pet name 2: I will.

"Well, that's pretty much the end of the show, I guess we can all leave. What? Did I forget something? Oh, right! (Smack forehead.) Don't forget to pay the bartender on your way out.

(Wait until people start to leave.)

"Oh, come back here. You silly people. Sit down. That was just to stretch. Now give your Public Display of Affection, and make us jealous."

Then begins dancing. The party will probably degenerate.