Damaged Part Five


They spent Saturday clearing out the garage, opening it up to try and air it and cleaning up any mess. They found the small crack in the mortar at the bottom of the dividing wall between Orli’s and Mason’s garages, that was wet to the touch. The water was definitely seeping in from next door and although they tried to dry the wall it was still damp and covered with a faint green mould in an arc above. Scrubbing got the mould off but it didn’t help with the damp.

They’d got everything up off the floor and now there was the job of re-packing it to make sure it was all water tight. Orli hadn’t got very far with the first box when he stopped and sat on the floor, a packet of photographs in his hand.

Elijah went and sat next to him, listening carefully while Orli explained where each one was taken and what he and Shane had been doing. When they had been right through the packet Elijah pulled down the box and they went through the contents together, stopping at anything that made Orli smile or reminisce.

At the bottom of the third box was a tightly wrapped plastic bag; inside was a screwed up, slightly tatty t-shirt. Orli stopped and held it to his nose, his face starting to crumple at the remembered smell. That was when Elijah decided it was time for a pub lunch.

On their way back Elijah detoured to the shops to buy large plastic boxes with airtight lids and some wall filler. They managed to get the filler far enough into the crack to stop any water coming through but they both knew unless the source was stopped on the other side the damp would just spread and the wall continue to crumble.

"I’ll go to the Citizens Advice Bureau next week," Orli said. "See what I can do. Maybe the council can get involved or I can take him to court."

"That’s going to take ages," Elijah pointed out.

"Well I’ve tried talking to him and that didn’t work and…" he looked around at the neatly stacked boxes. "I want to keep this stuff safe."

"We’ll sort something out," Elijah said and went back to clearing up the last bit of rubbish.

That evening Orli decided they needed a reward for all their hard work and ordered a Chinese take away. By the time it arrived Elijah was fast asleep and Orli didn’t have the heart to wake him. Instead he put Elijah’s favourites on a plate and left it in the fridge.

Elijah was a pleased as a kid at Christmas when he got to eat it for breakfast the next morning.


+


Elijah wasn’t in when Orli arrived home from work later in the week. That was unusual, but not really significant, and Orli didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until later, when he was putting the milk bottles out and saw Elijah stealthily letting himself out of Mason’s flat, that he began to wonder what was going on. He decided to wait and see what Elijah would say.

Only, as usual, Elijah didn’t say anything. On coming into the kitchen he dumped a pile of books on the table and started to tell some long winded story about a kid that screamed its head off in the library.

Orli tried to let it go, he really did, after all it was no business of his what Elijah got up to, but he just couldn’t. "What were you doing in Mason’s flat?" Orli interrupted Elijah mid sentence.

"What?"

"I saw you, coming out of his flat earlier on. What were you doing there?"

"Nothing, I…" Elijah wasn’t quick enough.

"You what?" Orli’s voice was as icy and hard as Elijah had ever heard it.

"I went to talk to him, to ask if he’d sort out the water in the garage."

"You liar," Orli snapped. "Mason wouldn’t talk to you, he doesn’t talk to anyone. He’d scream in your face, pick you up and throw you out the bloody door. What did you do?"

Elijah’s face set rigid. "I sorted things. He’s going to fix the leak tomorrow. It’s done."

Realisation hit Orli, hard and brutal. "You fucked him. You’re having bloody radiation treatment and you still fucked him."

"I didn’t fuck him…" Elijah wasn’t allowed to finish.

"No of course you didn’t fuck him, you can’t get it up at the moment, but you let him fuck you. What kind of sick bastard are you?" Contempt and anger raged in Orli, completely out of his control.

"I’m not a bastard and I didn’t let him fuck me. Christ Orli, what’s all the fuss about? A quick wank and the promise of a blowjob and it’s all sorted. What’s your problem?"

"There are other ways of dealing with things you know, the whole world doesn’t have to revolve around you and sex."

"Yeah, but this is quicker and less effort," Elijah said dismissively

"Less effort? Sex is all you know how to do, isn’t it? And you’re not even very good at that," Orli spat.

"Who says I’m no good at it? Ask around, I’m the fucking best that anyone’s ever had," Elijah was fuming now, his eyes filled with fire. This wasn’t the way he’d wanted things to turn out.

"If you’re so good at it how come half the time you look like some scummy street kid that hasn’t eaten in a week? And while we’re at it, if you did this as a favour to me, why didn’t you just go sell your bloody arse? Then you could give me the money and I‘ll rent somewhere decent to store Shane’s stuff."

"’Cos I’m not a whore!"

"Bollocks you’re not. You fuck people or let them fuck you for what you can get. You might as well go straight for the cash." Orli looked at him with something close to disgust. "What else would you call it?"

"I am not a whore," the indignity burned at Elijah’s cheeks. "I’ve never done it for money. Not ever."

"Why not? If you’re going to do it you might as well make a living out of it." Orli turned his back on Elijah, walking away. He stopped for a moment at the doorway, and looked back. Elijah was stood there; hand supporting himself on the counter, shoulders rounded, head lowered. He looked crumpled. "You’re just a whore with a lousy business brain."

Orli went to his bedroom and shut the door firmly.


+


In the early hours of the morning Orli slowly came awake, conscious of someone watching him. Elijah was standing in the doorway in his boxers and t-shirt, his outline silhouetted against the light from the hall.

Slowly, hesitant at first, he came forward. Leaving the door open he moved to the side of the bed and sat on the floor. For a long while Orli stayed still, watching the planes of Elijah’s face shift and settle, waiting to see what he would do.

He did nothing.

Eventually Orli moved, easing his way under the duvet across the big bed, rolling onto his stomach so his head was near Elijah’s.

Still nothing.

Orli reached out a hand and lifted a strand of Elijah’s hair, running it between his fingers before tucking it back into place and finding another. Elijah didn’t react, neither welcoming the action nor pushing it away.

"I am a whore, just a useless, dirty whore," he said eventually, his voice soft, childlike, but not broken.

"You’re not useless or dirty," Orli said, his hand still in Elijah’s hair.

Elijah turned his head, big eyes fixed on Orli. "But I am a whore."

"Sometimes you act like one but… I don’t think it’s who you are inside. I don’t understand why you do it, why it’s become the easy option, why you ever started doing it."

Elijah pulled his pale knees up to his chest, his arms encircling them, holding himself in. He was silent for a long while but Orli could feel something brewing, maybe a need to understand himself?

When he spoke at long last his voice was lifeless, as though he were reciting something that had happened to someone else. Something he wasn’t involved in.

"I can’t remember when I didn’t do it, from as young as I can remember it was always, ‘Elijah be nice to the lady, hold her hand and cuddle up.’ Or, ‘Elijah go and sit on the man’s knee, don’t mind if he touches you. It won’t hurt and then he’ll be nice to us.’"

He went on, his small voice filling the shadowy room. "It got worse as I got older, then it was, ‘you only have to open your mouth, don’t make a fuss. I know it tastes nasty but it’s over in a second and I’ll take you to McDonald’s."

"Your mum," Orli whispered, his hand automatically cupping the smooth curve at the back of Elijah’s skull.

Elijah looked up his eyes seeking understanding. "She was always really nice to me afterwards and I didn’t mind. At least she took some notice of me then." He looked away again, as if it were too painful to watch someone else’s reaction to his words. "She made a fuss of me if I did as I was told, if I stayed away from other people, especially kids, and was nice to anyone she brought home for me."

"She didn’t want you to have friends?"

"No. She said it was better when it was only us. She never let me play with anyone, told me to do the same at school. It didn’t matter, I used to hide inside most playtimes and read. By then I knew how to be nice to the teachers so they’d let me."

"But they should have been helping you," Orli shook his head in disbelief. "Not letting it go on. Did it get worse?"

"I suppose so, but there were good times as well. The first time I got fucked was on her big bed. She came in when he’d gone, rubbed my back and washed the dirty tears off my face. She said she was proud of me, funny that was the only time she ever said it. She gave me ice cream and stayed with me all evening. It was nice, it felt like we were a real family for once."

"And that was a good time?" Orli shook his head again. "How old were you?"

"Dunno, can’t remember now. About thirteen or fourteen I guess."

"That’s so young… too young to know what you want."

"Mum said it showed that I was the man of the house, that I sorted out the problems and looked after her. I guess it became a habit, now it’s what I always do." He looked over at Orli, an odd expression on his face, almost surprised at himself. "I’ve never told anyone this before."

"Why not? You should have told your social worker or someone at school, they could have got you away from her to somewhere safe."

"God Orli, no," Elijah said in horror, pulling his head back so Orli’s hand fell away. "I didn’t want to leave my mum. She’s all I have and she does love me."

"She uses you, that’s all. I mean, where is she now?"

Elijah couldn’t quite meet Orli’s gaze anymore. He looked away his face paling even more. "She’s got a new boyfriend, doesn’t want me around. He was… more interested in me than her."

"She dumped her own son for some bloke?" Orli asked appalled.

"It was my fault," Elijah tried to explain. "I got careless. Her boyfriends always want me as well, except your uncle Robin. He just looked at me as though I was a bit retarded, a bit of an embarrassment. But I wasn’t careful enough with this one and she caught him fucking me."

"Why did you let him?"

"To make her happy of course," Elijah said, eyes wide not understanding why Orli didn’t see the obvious. They wouldn’t stay otherwise but now I’ve cocked it up again. I always manage to do that. I only wanted to make things better but it always goes wrong. That’s what I was trying to do with Mason, I didn’t mean to make you cross, I only wanted you to be happy."

Orli took a deep breath and reached out his hand again to rest on Elijah’s shoulder. "Thank you for trying to help," he said gently. "But don’t do it like that. There are other ways of sorting out problems and I don’t want to see you being used."

"I wasn’t being used," Elijah said fervently. "No one made me and I’m good at it."

"But it doesn’t have to be like that, just because that’s what you did in the past doesn’t mean you have to carry on like it. The future can be different."

"Maybe but… but now it’s just…. it’s easy. It’s what I do and I’m good at it and…" he hesitated before making the next step. "I don’t know how to do anything else. I’m not good with people unless… it’s about sex."

"You can change things, learn a different way."

"I don’t know how to," Elijah whispered.

"It’s going to be hard but you can do it." Orli stroked at the taut tendons at the back of Elijah’s neck.

"You’re asking me to learn how to be a whole different person."

"No, not a different person," Orli said firmly. " You’ll still be you but you have to learn to act in a different way, to interact with people without sex, learn to just talk to them."

"You don’t understand, people don’t want to talk to me. Not if it isn’t going to lead anywhere, they’re not interested in what I have to say. And…" he hesitated. "I don’t know how to talk to them, I just can’t do it."

"Of course you can, you talk to me and Rose."

"But that’s different, it’s only you. I can’t cope with other people."

"Elijah," Orli reasoned. "I’m not asking you to take on the world, just one or two. Only, don’t sleep with anyone you’re trying to be friends with." He smiled, hopefully an infectious smile.

Elijah wasn’t convinced. "I don’t know… you’re taking away everything I know, everything I’m good at."

"I’m not taking it away. Only you can make the decision to change." Orli pulled himself up to rest his chin on his clasped hands and tried a different approach. "Are you happy the way things are?"

"Happy?" Elijah looked confused. "I don’t know."

"Forget about the cancer for a minute, do you have the life you want?"

"I," again Elijah stumbled. "I don’t know, I have my books and mum and…"

And what? As far as Orli could see Elijah didn’t have anything else. Only now his mother didn’t want to know either.

Elijah seemed to reach that conclusion at about the same time as Orli. "Only now… now I’ve lost her as well, haven’t I? She… got so angry, kicked me out and told me to… I had nowhere to go. That’s why I came here early. I thought I’d sit it out here waiting for the hospital and afterwards I could…"

"She wasn’t worth having," Orli said gently.

"But now I have no one and… it’s hard on your own."

"You’re not on your own, I’m here."

Orli could see the question in Elijah’s eyes, ‘How long for?’ and even as he thought the words Orli knew he didn’t have an answer for that himself.

He could also see something else. Elijah ready to offer himself for a bit of human contact.

Orli could supply the contact but he wouldn’t use Elijah; not now, not ever.

That sat like that for a long, long moment, staring into the gloom, until Elijah’s shivering caught Orli’s attention. "You’re cold," he said, rolling over and lifting the edge of the duvet. "Do you want to get in?"

Elijah scrambled to his feet, pulling his t-shirt up. "Not for sex," Orli said quickly, reaching out to smooth the t-shirt back down. Elijah cocked an eyebrow, unsure. "Get in if you want some company. We’re not doing anything else."

"Then why would you bother?" Elijah asked.

"Because sometimes we can all do with a bit of company." He lifted the duvet further up and slowly, cautiously, Elijah slipped in.

Elijah lay on his back, body tense, unmoving. Orli flipped onto his belly and burrowed down into the pillows. After a moment he stretched out a hand and, catching Elijah’s shoulder, pulled him in. Orli fell asleep with his arm draped across Elijah’s chest as Elijah slowly slithered in closer.


+


Next morning Elijah was snuggled down, a bundle of curled limbs under the duvet, when Orli left for work. He’d only just woken up when Orli phoned to remind him to take his anti-sickness pill, his voice sounding warm and thick with sleep.

After the exhausting emotions of the previous night he was half asleep on the sofa by eight that evening. Orli made him a warm drink and told him to get some proper rest. Elijah smiled, grabbed a large handful of biscuits and made his way down the hall. He ignored the deliberately left open door to Orli’s room and the invitingly turned back covers, going instead to his own room.

Orli wasn’t disappointed.

Part Six