Damaged Part Six


With three more treatments to go Elijah was exhausted, holding on by the skin of his teeth and Orli’s promise of a whole weekend full of sleep and junk food. The skin around his groin was reddened and itchy, his eyes felt like they were covered in sand paper and his chest ached from the constant throwing up. But it was nearly over and worth it.

The thought that any rogue cancer cells were being killed off made every ache and pain bearable. He could make it to the end. The only major thing he had ever completed.

And then he was there, the last treatment. As he came out of the hospital, eyelids held up by proverbial matchsticks, he was surprised to see Orli sitting on a railing swinging his legs. "I thought you should have a reward for making it this far and I decided it should be something you’d really appreciate. So…" he swung round, his arm out pointing. "Welcome to your ‘congratulations, you’ve done it’ cab ride home.

Elijah couldn’t help but laugh as he collapsed inside. It turned to a gentle chuckle as he slid gratefully against Orli’s shoulder and let his eyes close. He’d rest them, just for a minute.

Orli had to practically carry him up to the flat.


+


The following week Elijah spent mostly asleep or eating. Orli had decided to work his way through all the local take-aways and when he ran out of those he started collecting meals from restaurants. By the end of the week Elijah had had enough of eating out of foil containers and was ready to face the world again. He took Orli to the Indian along the road.

Orli thought it was funny when Elijah tried to order using all the correct names and pronunciation but failed miserably. He didn’t comment and tried not to notice when the waiter spent extra time fussing around Elijah. Elijah didn’t even seem to be aware of it.

Orli still didn’t comment when Elijah unleashed a smile that would have brought the greatest warrior in history to his knees, after he knocked over a dish of Chicken Tikka Marsala. The waiter sure noticed, apologising for putting it in the wrong place and bringing a new one immediately.


+


By the time of the follow up doctors appointment Elijah was feeling like a human being again, maybe not quite back to normal but almost there. Orli looked around the consulting room, the same posters on the wall, the same pile of books stacked haphazardly on the floor. They looked like they’d only just been left there but he remembered them from their first visit. Everything in the room looked the same but somehow it felt different, to think this could be the last time they’d have to be here. This could be…

The doctor picked up a manila file with Elijah’s name on the top, opened it and began to talk. Orli made sure he was concentrating.

It was good news. All good news. Elijah’s test had come back with the best possible results and there was nothing else that needed doing.

"So," Elijah couldn’t quite take it all in. "Does that mean I’m cured?"

"We don’t use the word cured, not yet," the doctor said cautiously. "But if there’s no reoccurrence in the next five years – which is unlikely in your case," she added quickly seeing Elijah’s horrified face. "Then we can say that it’s over, you’re back to normal."

"Just one ball lighter," Elijah said, knowing he should be dancing for joy but feeling strangely like it was all an anti-climax.

"Hey, what a ball between friends?" Orli smiled. "It’s worth it isn’t it? To get rid of the cancer."

"Yeah, I suppose so," Elijah made a conscious effort to lighten up. "Yeah, it was worth it." He turned back to face the doctor. "So is that it, I can go now? I don’t have to come back?"

"It’s not quite as easy as that."

"When is it ever?" Elijah mumbled and Orli thumped him gently on the shoulder.

"We’ll put you on a surveillance regime, you have to come back every month for the first three months and then the time between appointments is extended till we only see you once a year in a few years time."

"Once a month for three months? I’m not sure if I can commit to that," Elijah’s voice was unsteady. "I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to… I will… it just might be difficult... I’ll have to..."

"Shut up Elijah," Orli’s voice was very firm, very in control. He looked at the doctor. "He’ll be here, every appointment you give him, even if I have to drag him here by his hair."

The doctor smiled.

"Orlando!" Elijah tried to protest. "You can’t make that kinda commitment. I have to look for a university, sort out what I’m doing, where I’m…"

Orli turned to him. "I told you to shut up."

"But…"

"Oh don’t start that again. You can find a university near the hospital, everything else will have to fall into place around that."

"But," Elijah’s said, soft and small.

"Like I said, if I ever want you to move out I’ll tell you and let’s face it… you don’t have anywhere else to go."

"But…" said so softly this time as to be only just heard.

"Shut up," said almost as softly. "It’s sorted."

On the way back to the flat Orli bought a plaque that said ‘Elijah’s Room.’ It took Elijah two days to work out what to say. In the end he stood stiffly in front of where Orli lay slumped on the sofa, reading the paper, stuffing his face with crisps, and said formally, "Thank you."

Orli’s eyes flicked up briefly. "You’re welcome," he said, spewing out crumbs, and turned the page.



+


Elijah spent the next few days researching universities, talking to them on the phone and trying to get his records from his previous place. He had it narrowed down to three when he sat on the floor and showed Orli the prospectuses.

"This one has a good course and it’s quite local," he waved a booklet in Orli’s general direction. "That one is where that guy works, the one who said he’d get me in," he pointed at two more lying on the floor by his feet. "And that one has the most amazing facilities. I can’t decide which to go for."

Orli reached past him and picked up a shiny brochure. He threw it behind him towards the rubbish bin. "You’re not going to that one so that narrows it down to two."

It was the tone of Orli’s voice, tight and hard, that really made Elijah look up. "What’d you do that for?"

"You shouldn’t go where that creep works. If you want to get in, apply like everyone else."

"Oh," realisation dawned on Elijah. "But I’ve already done it with him so I may as well take advantage, don’t you think?"

"No," Orli said and his voice was terser than ever.

"But…"

"For fuck’s sake Elijah, it’s not even near here. You’d be going just because of him and you were going to try and do things differently," Orli exploded. "Going there would be a backward step, the bastard would only expect more."

Elijah sucked in a huge breath, let it out slowly and then crawled over to where the prospectus lay in a heap on the floor. He picked it up and dropped it in the bin and crawled back.

"So, what do you think? Great facilities or a strong course."

Orli made a conscious effort to uncurl his fists and picked up one of the booklets.


+


Orli had just found his keys and was heading out the door to work when his name was shouted from Elijah’s room. Dumping everything he ran, like a bat out of hell, up the hall. In the space of eight strides he’d managed to think of a hundred terrible possibilities. The worst being that Elijah had found another lump.

His heart beat even faster when he flung open the door and saw Elijah lying on his back in bed, both hands under the covers clearly in the vicinity of his groin, his face angled down. "Look," Elijah said wide-eyed as he flung back the covers.

His hands rested against his Donald Duck boxers, pulling the material taut. But it wasn’t needed. Clearly visible under the tenting was the hard ridge of his cock. "That hasn’t happened in fuck knows how long. I must be better," he said, his grin splitting his face in two.

Orli smiled and shook his head, turning back to the door, the hand twisting his guts in two beginning to loosen.

"Orlando," the voice from the bed called. "Chuck me over the tissues before you go."

Orli managed to hit Elijah right in the middle of his chest with the box.


+



Application forms had been duly completed, visits made and interviews endured. Now Elijah sat staring at the white envelope with the University of Greenwich stamp on the front and couldn’t quite bring himself to open it.

All right so ‘other people’ just applied but… fuck it was hard. What was he supposed to do if he didn’t get in? He couldn’t go back and change things now, alter his… method of application. Orli had said do it like this, Orli had said… This was all Orli’s fault, he should be here to sweat with Elijah.

Elijah seriously considered going and finding Orli on his lunch break but what if it was bad news? Orli could go back to the comfort of his library and Elijah would be left standing there like an idiot.

No, he’d wait till Orli got home.

As Orli kicked the door open, his hands full of bags of groceries, Elijah practically pounced on him. Most of the bags ended up on the floor in the initial onslaught, Orli put the rest down when an envelope was waved in his face.

"It’s here Orli, it came this morning and I can’t open it. If they say no what am I gonna do? I don’t want to go anywhere else now, I’ve sort of set my heart on that place but I was acting all weird in the interview, I didn’t know where to look. I guess I could appeal or just fuck the head of admissions or…"

Orli’s appalled face suddenly caught Elijah’s attention and the rush of words slowed. "A joke mate, it was a joke." His face darkened, the light of hope dimming. "Unless of course I have to, then I suppose I…"

"Elijah," Orli’s voice cut through the rambling. "Open the letter."

Elijah took a deep breath and then another. He hitched his shoulders back and rubbed a sweaty palm on the back of his jeans. "Okay, I can do this" he held up the envelope and… stopped.

"I can’t do it," He thrust it into Orli’s hand. "You do it."

"I really think you should be the one to open it," Orli tried to hand it back.

"Oh no," Elijah started to back away along the hall, looking at the envelope as though it were poisoned. "You have to do it, I’m not touching it. I can’t see straight for one thing, see my eyes have gone all boggly, and… and, you do it."

Orli opened the envelope and quickly scanned the letter inside.

"You’re in."

"Yes!" Elijah whooped for joy, punching the air and jumping all in one movement. On landing he grabbed Orli’s face in both hands and planted a wet, sloppy kiss on each cheek before squeezing him in a bear hug. "Fuck I love you and the interview panel and that doctor who cut my ball off, in fact I love the whole bloody world."

"You’re pleased then?" Orli queried.

"Yeah, you could say that," Elijah whirled around looking from the letter to the mess of shopping on the floor. "Come on, let’s go out and celebrate."

"Oh, can’t we go tomorrow? I wanted to watch Casualty tonight."

"Orli!" Elijah cried. "You’re not old enough to stay in for some stupid telly programme. Come out and be young and daring with me."

Elijah grabbed Orli by the hand and started dragging him towards the door. "Shouldn’t we pick this lot up first?" Orli asked, surveying the mess on the floor.

"Nah," Elijah had the door open. "Live dangerously. You can do it later."


+


They started off in a pub then hit a kebab shop before ending up in a trendy, packed bar. Elijah was on top of the world, smiling, joking, dancing around Orli like he had all the energy in the world. It was nice to see him like this, Orli thought. He’d got used to seeing Elijah with dark bags under his eyes and the hint of worry always on his face. For once he looked truly relaxed and it was good to see.

Orli pretended not to notice the storm of reaction Elijah caused around him. For once he was sure that Elijah wasn’t provoking any of it deliberately but… people kept trying to join in their conversations, offering to buy drinks or straight out hitting on Elijah.

Elijah brushed it all off with what Orli realised was practiced ease, not causing offence, but gently, leaving everyone in his wake with a smile on their face.

Apart from that Orli decided he hadn’t had this much fun in ages. Quiet drinks, a meal with mates or standing against the wall watching the action at a gay club had been the extent of his social life for a long time. That and visits to the cinema. This was infinitely more fun, Elijah was good company.

Except now Orli needed to pee and he needed to do it badly, only he had no idea where the toilets were. Elijah shook his head when Orli asked so he went off on a journey of discovery. One he’d rather not have made when he saw the state of them.

Weaving his way back through the crowd, with the two new drinks he’d bought on the way, Orli was trying to decide if he should suggest going clubbing when he suddenly stopped short.

Elijah was standing in the same place but now surrounded by a group of people. He wasn’t being threatened in anyway, in fact he looked like he was having the time of his life, but Orli noticed how they all leaned in a little too close, how they all thought it okay to rest a hand on Elijah’s back or hold his arm.

One girl in particular had got especially close. As she hitched up her very short skirt a little more to rub a naked thigh against Elijah’s, Orli’s jaw tightened and his grip on the beer bottles became almost painful. She ran a red painted fingernail up Elijah’s arm and he smiled at her, nothing intimate, but she took it as a sign and moved in for the kill.

"’Lijah," Orli said, dumping the bottles on a nearby table. "Come on we’re going."

"Oh, why? It’s only early," Elijah looked at Orli. "It’s fun here… but then if you know somewhere better."

The girl tightened her grip on Elijah’s arm, her face almost predatory as she scowled at Orli. Orli grabbed the sleeve of Elijah’s jacket and pulled him out of her clutches. All of a sudden he wanted out of there, and fast. He looked around for the door, it seemed miles away through an ocean of grasping hands. He headed for the emergency exit and next thing Elijah knew they were outside in a dirty, semi-lit, piss smelling alleyway.

"Wow," Elijah said as the door slammed behind them. "Never made such a fast exit before, unless I’d done something wrong. What did you do Orlando, pinch all the condoms out of the toilets?"

"No, I just thought it was time to leave," Orli said, not understanding his own actions.

"Why?"

"Because," Orli could feel something boiling up inside. He wasn’t really sure what it was but he couldn’t seem to stop it either. "Those people were all over you and… you shouldn’t let them."

"I can’t help it if people think I’m irresistible," Elijah grinned.

"Well, you shouldn’t encourage them then."

"I didn’t, I was just standing there talking."

"Yes you did," Orli said angrily, although he wasn’t quite sure who he was angry at. "All that licking your lips and moving your mouth."

"I was having a drink for god’s sake, you move your mouth when you drink." For some reason Elijah found the whole thing quite funny, even though he could see Orli was deadly serious.

"Well don’t," he turned and faced Elijah, moving in close. "And while you’re at it, stop wriggling your hips and batting your eyelashes…"

"So," Elijah tried hard not to smile. "You want me not to move my mouth, or my tongue, or my hips, or my eyes? Anything else while you’re at it?"

"Yeah," Orli said in all seriousness. "Stop doing that thing you do; when you look up through your eyelashes at people."

"I got that from you!" Elijah smiled incredulously. "Do you know how often you do that and pout at the same time? No one pouts as well as you do."

"I don’t care! Just don’t do it," Orli yelled.

"Oh I’m gonna have fun going out if I can’t move, drink or look at anyone. There’s hardly any point my going. Am I allowed to talk to people?"

"No," Orli turned away, realising how ridiculous he was being. "Just…Oh I don’t know," he walked half a dozen steps up the alley and then came back. "Just watch yourself, be careful."

"Why? There’s no harm in it."

"No harm?" Orli wiped at his mouth, calmer now. "Did you see the way that girl was coming on to you?"

"So? What difference does it make?"

"Do you want her?" Orli asked.

Elijah shrugged his shoulders. "No, not really."

"Come on, admit it. You fancied that girl; you want to fuck a woman."

"No," Elijah shrugged. " I don’t want her or anyone else in there, man or woman. But I don’t see what your problem is."

"I…" Orli was as confused as he’d ever been. He pulled at his hair, twisted away from Elijah and then back again.

"What’s the matter with you?" Elijah asked, not unreasonably. "Why are you acting like such a twat?"

"’Cos I’m bloody jealous!" The words exploded out of Orli’s mouth along with a sudden realisation of what his problem really was.

"You’re jealous because of her?" Elijah looked confused. Sometimes Orli could really do his head in. "Don’t be daft, you can’t be, you’re gay."

"Oh sweet Jesus," Orli swung round in an orgy of indecision and incredulity. "Not because of her you moron, because of you."

"Me?" Elijah looked surprised. "What have I done wrong this time?"

"Nothing. Everything. You’ve got under my skin like some nasty little infection and now I can’t get rid of you." Orli stalked up and down a short section of the alley, his hands scratching at his thighs.

"You want to get rid of me? You want me to leave?" Elijah said, slightly panicked.

"No, you stupid, brainless, fucking moron, I don’t want you to leave," Orli’s voice was getting louder and louder. Elijah was ever so slightly aware of people passing along the road at the end of the alley stopping to gawp. "I want you to stay because I’m jealous of you."

"Why?" he asked simply. "What have I got that you could possibly be jealous of?"

"Because, much as I might not want this, I care about you."

"Oh," Elijah was quiet while he thought about this. It wasn’t the reaction Orli was expecting. To be honest he didn’t know what he expected but it wasn’t this. "Care about me as in I’m your dead uncle’s step-son or care about me as in you care I don’t make you look a fool?"

"Oh bloody hell," Orli said back at normal volume. "I give up." He walked over to the locked door of the club and then very slowly started banging his head against it.

"Orli," Elijah didn’t know how to take this turn of events. "I don’t think you should do that."

Orli stopped, his forehead resting against the door. "You don’t make this easy do you?"

"What?"

Orli twisted his head so he could see Elijah. "Have you no idea how hard it is for me to say this?"

"I might do," Elijah tried to hedge. "If I had any idea what was going on."

"Fuck, I wish I smoked," Orli said turning and leaning back against the flaking paintwork. "Okay, let me spell this out in so simple a way even an idiot like you can understand it. You are the most annoying, awkward, manipulative, hard going person I’ve ever known. But for some strange reason, that for the life of me I can’t understand because every rational brain cell I have is telling me to run away as fast as I can, I love you."

"Oh," Elijah said and looked down at his foot scuffing across the floor. "You love me but you don’t want to?"

"Course I don’t. I just wanted to sit out the rest of my time quietly, pining pathetically after Shane. But you wouldn’t let me do that, oh no. You came along and got to me. Do you know how scared I am of getting hurt again? It was so bad when I lost Shane… I can’t go through that again. But then there was you and I knew you were trouble but… somehow you sneaked your way in and made me love you."

"Oh," Elijah said again, his eyes flicking up to Orli. "Love me as in…"

"No, no, not again," Orli interrupted, rubbing at his forehead with the heels of his hands. "Look at me, you idiot," he demanded. Elijah did as he was told.

"I love you as in," Orli waved a hand vaguely in the air. "As in fairy tale romance stories, as in my heart beats a little bit faster when you’re around, as in I’d send you teddy bears and cards with hearts on them on valentines day if it wasn’t so bloody naff, as in I love you Elijah."

"Oh," Elijah said for what felt like the millionth time, only this time the tone was different. Not questioning or disbelieving but secretly, deep-down-hidden, pleased. He grinned at Orli. "Love me as in you might just want me?"

"Elijah, sometimes I want you so much it makes my mouth go dry and I can’t breathe. But that’s okay, I can live with it."

Elijah’s grin got a little cheekier, a little more confident. "So this is a good thing, right?"

"I don’t know," Orli said and he genuinely didn’t. "A couple of hours ago I couldn’t even admit this to myself and now I’m telling you. That was probably a really dumb thing to do ‘cos now it makes it awkward. You can tell me to go to hell it’s…"

"I don’t think it was a dumb thing to do," it was Elijah’s turn to interrupt. "I think it was a really good thing because now I can tell you that I love you too and you won’t get pissed off with me."

"Oh no," Orli said pushing himself away from the door. "Don’t start that."

"Start what? I’ve just told you I love you, what am I starting?"

"Start thinking you have to say it back because I’ll kick you out if you don’t profess undying love and fall instantly into bed with me. I don’t want that."

"Hey, I just happen to mean it," Elijah said indignantly.

"Don’t," Orli said, walking up the alley towards the light and normality of the street. "You can stay, all right. No strings, no nothing. You can stay and everything goes back to how it was before."

It took Elijah a few seconds to get his brain to work, then he ran after Orli. "Maybe I don’t want that." Orli was already getting into a taxi so Elijah pushed in after him. "Maybe I don’t want it to be like it was."

"Ssssh!" Orli hissed, nodding towards the driver.

"Don’t I get a say in this?" Elijah tried again, his voice just above a whisper.

"I’m not talking about this here," Orli folded his hands across his chest. "So shut up."

"Fine," Elijah said and folded his hands in exactly the same way. "I can wait."

They rode the rest of the way back to the flat in silence, a good half a seat separating them at all times, the air crackling with tension. Orli had passed the driver some money before the cab had even stopped and was opening the front door before Elijah caught him up.

"Can we talk about this now then?" Elijah said.

"No," Orli stepped over the pile of groceries still on the floor and headed for his room.

"Why not?" Elijah demanded. "You obviously don’t like it, but I do love you."

"Shut up," Orli was close to shouting. "I can’t handle this. It’s just some kind of warped ‘I need to pay Orlando back’ reaction. You don’t really love me."

"What? Am I the village idiot that isn’t allowed to love anyone?" Elijah could feel his anger rising as well. "You can love me but I’m too warped and stupid to love you back?"

"Elijah, don’t," all the energy and adrenalin suddenly drained from Orli and he hung on his bedroom door handle as if it were the only thing holding him up. "I’m tired, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I need to sleep."

"So that’s it? Orli needs to sleep and that’s the end of the conversation." Indignation flashed across Elijah’s face.

"All right, maybe we do have to talk, but not now," Orli looked pleadingly at Elijah. "Can we leave it till the morning, till we’ve both had some rest and a chance to think?"

"But I…"

"Please?" Orli asked.

Indecision itched at Elijah but eventually he gave in. "Okay, but we talk in the morning. You understand that this isn’t over and you agree to listen to me?"

"Okay," Orli capitulated that far. Hopefully by the morning Elijah wouldn’t feel so duty-bound and Orli could try and work out some way to sort out the mess. "We’ll talk in the morning."

Part Seven