Damaged Part Seven


Orli sat on the edge of his bed for a long time, the photo he kept of Shane on the bedside table clasped in his hands. He didn’t really understand how he had got here but he was clear about how he felt. He loved Shane, he always would do, but he also loved Elijah. Maybe he had loved him for weeks now, he wasn’t sure, but it had taken some girl in a short skirt to make him see it.

The difference was Shane was dead and Elijah was right here.

He ran a finger over the contours of Shane’s face, remembering how each bone and feature had felt for real. He didn’t feel guilty, a little sad as always, but not guilty. Shane would understand and he would want this for Orli. Shane would hate him to always be alone.

A smile crossed his face when he thought about what Shane would have made of Elijah, what he would have said about him. Suddenly Orli had an overwhelming need; he needed to talk to his best friend about Elijah. He needed to talk to Shane.

He put the picture back on the table, angling it and leaving a bedside light on so he could clearly see it, and climbed into bed. He had just started to fall asleep looking up at Shane, when the door opened and Elijah stood, dressed only in a ratty old t-shirt and yellow teddy bear patterned boxers, at the end of the bed.

"I can’t go to sleep. I have to say this first," Elijah said as though he’d rehearsed it a dozen times. "I do love you, I may be stupid and not know about stuff but I know I love you. You can’t argue with that. When we talk we have to do it with that as a given."

"I’m not going to argue with you," Orli said slowly. "I’m sure you think you love me."

"What the hell does that mean, I ‘think’ I love you? Are you saying I’m too thick to know how I feel?" Elijah hadn’t wanted to get angry but here it was, bubbling up again. "How patronising can you get?"

Orli sat up. "I’m not being patronising, I’m being realistic. Hardly anyone has ever loved you and those that did were only after what they could get, including your mum. You don’t know about love, you know all there is to know about sex and manipulation but nothing about love. You can’t just say you love me."

"Oh that’s great, isn’t it? I’ve never known love therefore I can’t feel it, so I never get a first time." Pink fire flared at the top of his cheeks as he stared down, hands on hips, at Orli. "That kinda ruins things for the rest of my life."

"Don’t be so melodramatic. I’m not saying you’re ruined, you’ll get there. But you admit yourself you don’t know how to get along with people, how to make friends," Orli was trying hard to be reasonable. "How do you know what you feel for me isn’t just friendship?"

"You arrogant bastard, how dare you tell me what I’m feeling." Elijah wasn’t being reasonable back.

"I’m only saying you’re learning, that this is all new to you."

"No," Elijah stalked back across the room. "You’re just talking a pile of horse shit." He slammed the door so hard it made Orli’s teeth shake.

An hour later the pounding in Orli’s chest and the questions in his head had just about begun to fade. He figured if he lay very still and thought about cows grazing in a field he might just get to sleep before the birds started to sing.

He didn’t have a chance to prove his theory right before Elijah opened the door again. Orli groaned into the pillow. He wished Elijah would at least knock, rather than just turning up like that.

"So let me get this right, you think I only love you like a friend?"

"You have to admit it’s a possibility," Orli said, rolling onto his back. "I’m saying, give yourself time to find out."

Elijah ignored the second part of what Orli had said. "Okay." He sorted out in his own mind what he wanted to say. "You make me feel safe and cared about, which I know could be down to being friends and the cancer, but I think it says something. I wanna be near you, not just that I like you being around but I truly miss you when you’re not."

He smiled over at Orli, a warm, silly sort of smile. "I like doing things for you; I make sure there’s enough hot water when you get in, that there’s cold beer in the fridge, that I don’t eat all the chocolate biscuits. Fuck Orli, I’d give you my last Rolo, I even gave up smoking ‘cos you didn’t like it, not that you noticed, and I…"

He looked at Orli’s face. "And apart from the last one, maybe, none of that means anything other than I care about you as a friend, does it?"

"Why do you have to push it?" Orli asked gently. "Why don’t you just see how things go?"

Elijah climbed onto the bed and sat crossed legged in the corner. He was quiet for a long, long time and Orli could see him making a decision.

"When I got the all clear from the cancer I decided to ring my mum. I haven’t had any contact with her since I’ve got here, not a two second phone call or a card or anything." He twisted round a little, pulling further back from Orli.

"But I figured that if I wasn’t sick anymore she might not… want rid of me so badly. Also, now I’m deformed I might not be such a threat to her with her boyfriends. After all who wants a guy with one ball?"

"You’re not deformed," Orli said, shocked that he hadn’t known Elijah felt like that.

"Whatever, it doesn’t matter," Elijah dismissed it out of hand. "The point is I thought she might let me go back, that we could be a family again. But," He looked up at Orli, his fingers pulling and twisting at the hairs on his calf. "When it came to it I couldn’t make the call. I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here or anywhere else that you are."

"Is that because I make you feel safe?" Orli had to ask.

"You still don’t get it, do you?" Elijah tilted his head to one side, staring. "I want to be with you more than I ever wanted to be with my mum. She was all I’ve ever had but I want you more. If that doesn’t prove I love you, I don’t know what will."

"Oh god," Orli whispered.

"Just… don’t treat me like a child or an idiot. I do know how I feel."

"I only want what’s best for you," Orli tried to explain. "I never meant to be insulting."

"I know," Elijah nodded. "And I promise I will try and do anything, be anything, you want. I only want you to be happy."

"Elijah no," Orli cried. "I don’t want you to ‘be’ anything. I love you just the way you are, for fuck’s sake. Don’t change

"Even with all my faults, with all the hassle that comes with me?"

"Christ, yes."

"You can accept me as me?"

"Yes."

"Then accept the fact that I love you."

For a minute Orli sat there, open mouthed. Elijah had stitched him up but… Elijah loved him.

He pushed back the covers, slipped out of bed and stood up, the cool air making goosebumps rise up on his bare legs. He pulled Elijah up onto his feet in front of him and gently he took each of Elijah’s hands and placed them on his own chest, sighing in pleasure as small fingers twisted into the fabric of his t-shirt.

Orli reached out and let his fingers curl around Elijah’s jaw, letting them ghost over soft skin in a feather light touch, feeling the fragility of the bones underneath. Lifting slightly he tilted Elijah’s head back, pressing with his forefingers on the joint of his jaw, making Elijah’s mouth open.

Then he made the fatal mistake of looking down. Elijah’s eyelashes lay thick and heavy against pale skin, his breath puffed almost imperceptibly between reddened lips, moist as the tip of a rounded pink tongue ghosted over them, the angle of his jaw sharp and cutting, the long white column of his neck inviting.

Orli looked down and fell even further.

So slowly, so carefully he closed the last short distance between them and pressed his lips against Elijah’s. Oh… So soft, like padded cushions at the entrance to paradise. Fucking awful phrase, but that was exactly what it felt like. He let the fingers of one hand drift to the back of Elijah’s skull, searching between the dark strands of hair to map the contours of his skull, the other stayed fixed to his jaw, his thumb travelling over silken skin, as he pushed his tongue forward to take his first taste.

Toothpaste.

Somehow the taste of mint toothpaste penetrated his mind. With all the chaos and turmoil of the evening, Elijah had remembered to clean his teeth. Orli was astonished at how pleased he was. Elijah was taking care of himself and would have healthy teeth and…

He tasted the flavour under the toothpaste. He tasted Elijah and couldn’t help but groan, a small helpless little sound as he tumbled head over heels to fall even deeper.

This is what he wanted; this feeling of… he didn’t quite know what it was. Something he hadn’t felt since Shane. No, that wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t the same as with Shane but it was the same type of feeling and it was something there’d been no trace of with anyone else. And he wanted more, much more. He could become a junkie for this, he wanted….

Right now he wanted more of Elijah.

His hand moved down the back of Elijah’s neck, grazed across hard tendons; so close to the surface, so vulnerable. His fingers rested against the bones of Elijah’s spinal column at the base of his neck. Orli wanted to dig them in deep, feel the give and pull of them, memorise their shape. But he couldn’t hurt Elijah.

Never, ever hurt Elijah.

He let his fingers rest on a rounded shoulder and dared push his tongue a little deeper, his lips a little harder. Not too hard, just enough to feel the fleshiness of Elijah’s lips compressed against his own, just enough to let Elijah know how he felt.

Elijah pulled his mouth away, just a fraction.

Fuck, Orli thought. What had he done wrong?

He’d taken it too fast.

Elijah’s hand went up to the back of Orli’s head, his fingers tangling in deep, pulling. "Come on Orlando, you can do better than that, I just know you can." He laughed softly, the sound deep and husky, as he pulled Orli in for a much deeper, harder kiss.

Next second Elijah’s tongue was scraping against the back of Orli’s mouth; his knee hooked out around Orli’s thigh as he ground their bodies together. Orli groaned again, a pathetic whimper of a sound, as his cock scraped over the unyielding bulge in Elijah’s boxers and… when did they both get that hard?

Elijah altered the angle of his head, his nose scraping past Orli’s, and licked around the roof of Orli’s mouth as he rolled his hips in tiny circles… his cock slip sliding over and over Orli’s. This time they both groaned, the sound bumping off teeth, falling into mouths.

Elijah pulled back again, just a little, his eyes glinting, his smile wide. "Shit, that’s better," the words came out on breathy little giggled gasps. "But can we get to the fucking now?"

"What?" Orli felt slightly dazed, like his knees wouldn’t quite hold him upright, like he wasn’t quite sure what was real.

Elijah grabbed Orli’s upper arm and started dragging him towards the bed, kneeling up on it after the couple of short steps needed. "Kissing is good, kissing is very good," he said trying to pull Orli’s t-shirt up. "But fucking is better. Now it’s time for fucking."

"No," Orli took a step back, his hands batting Elijah’s out of the way, as he remembered who he was and, more importantly, who Elijah was.

"No?" Elijah looked confused. "Oh shit, I don’t know what you like, I just kinda assumed, I can top or bottom, I don’t care." He looked at Orli’s shocked face. "You don’t like fucking? Now that’s a shame but… okay… there’s other stuff we can do. Not as much fun maybe, but I’ll give anything a go. What you got in mind?"

"Nothing. We’re not doing anything Elijah."

"Nothing?" Elijah looked amazed. "Why the hell not?"

"Because I’m not going to jump straight into bed with you."

"We can use the floor," Elijah tried to sound suggestive as he raised an eyebrow and almost winked, changing it at the last second for a quick flash of a smile.

"No. I’m not using you."

"Why all of a sudden are you using me?" Lust was fast turning to out-and-out confusion.

"You need to think about this, decide if it’s what you really want," Orli said decisively. "You have to…"

But he wasn’t allowed to finish. "Jesus shit, don’t start this again," Elijah said reaching out for Orli again. "Orli baby, come on, let’s go to bed."

Orli took another step back. "No."

Elijah rubbed at the anger he could feel gathering behind his eyes. "We talked about this already. I love you, you love me, now what’s the bloody problem?" He tried desperately to keep his voice calm.

"You need to separate love from sex. Don’t go to bed with me because you think it’s what I expect."

"You think I’m doing it because you expect it? How about I bloody well want it?" Elijah said, falling back on the bed.

"But do you want it? Do you really want it or is it just an automatic response?"

"Does this look like an automatic response!" Elijah waved a hand vaguely in the direction of his groin.

"Yes, actually it does," Orli had moved back almost half way across the room now, his heels catching on the chest of drawers. "You’ve never reacted to me before, I… I’m not even sure if you fancy me. This is just…"

"I don’t fancy you?" Elijah repeated, incredulously. "Now I’ve heard just about everything, of course I fancy you. What kind of sicko do you take me for?"

Orli stayed silent, unable to look at Elijah.

"That’s it, isn’t it? You think this whole thing is me doing my normal thing, out for what I can get," Elijah said climbing off the bed. "Well fuck you Orli. You’ve got nothing I want, you’ve already said I can stay. What am I supposed to be after?"

"It’s not that," Orli tried to evade the anger.

"Yes it is, it’s exactly that. You don’t trust me."

"I do trust you," Orli cried plaintively. "I’m just not sure if you really do want me."

"If I want you?" Elijah shook his head, making for the door. "If getting a hard on as soon as you touch me and trying to stick my tongue down your throat isn’t enough to convince you then, let’s face it, nothing I say is going to make any fucking difference."

He opened the door and stood there for a moment. "I can’t believe I’m doing this again. Thank you Orlando, for bloody well screwing things up again."

When Elijah slammed the door this time dust fell out of the frame.


+


He didn’t come back for almost another hour.

By this time Orli, surprising himself, was fast asleep. Sleep or no sleep as soon as Elijah pulled the stool up to the bed, dumping the pile of clothes that was on top of it on the floor, and sat down, his body tense, Orli was wide awake.

"I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this," Elijah started. "I must be out of my tiny mind because you sure as hell are gonna kick me out after this, but…" his eyes flicked quickly to Orli. "If I don’t say this now I never will and ours will be the shortest love affair of all time. I’ll tell you one thing, having the guts to say it must prove I love you."

"You don’t have to…" Orli started to say softly.

"Oh shut up," Elijah cut him off. "I do have to say it, you won’t understand unless I do." He puffed out a long breath. "Okay, here goes. You know the bathroom door doesn’t shut properly anymore?"

"Yeah?" Orli couldn’t think where this was heading.

"Well that’s ‘cos I fixed it so it wouldn’t."

"What? Why?"

"Here’s the bad bit," Elijah rushed on, determined to say it before he changed his mind. "So I could watch you get out of the shower all naked and wet."

"You’ve been spying on me?" Orli’s voice went up at least two octaves.

"Yeah." The blush was creeping down Elijah’s cheeks to his throat. "You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve wanked off to the thought of the water running down your arse."

"Elijah!"

"What?" He tried for a cheeky grin but hit lustful. "You really do have a great arse. That little dimple right below the small of your back has to be perfect for licking."

"Shut up!" it was Orli’s turn to blush now.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Orli trying to process this new information, Elijah trying not to think about Orli naked and wet.

"You really do wank to the thought of me?"

Elijah nodded, adding a smile at the last second.

"How long you been doing it for?"

Elijah grinned. "Since I could get it up again."

"Oh…"

"But I used to look before that. I started when I was throwing up, it was a great distraction."

It was quiet again for a moment. "You’ve a pervert. You do know that, don’t you?"

"Probably," Elijah agreed. "But a pervert that fancies the arse off you."

"Shit," Orli pulled himself up against the headboard, hugging his bare knees to his chest.

"Your cock’s quite nice as well and I like the way you have just the right amount of hair on your arms and at the very bottom of your belly and you have a great chest…"

"Elijah?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Do you realise how many times you’ve told me to shut up tonight?"

"Well, sometimes you need to, to give me a chance to think."

Elijah shifted back on the stool for a bit, putting his feet up on the bed. "Have you thought now?"

"Yeah."

"So," he drew the sound out until it was almost a sentence on its own. "What are we gonna do now?"

"I guess," Orli held his breath for a long, long moment. "I guess I’d better take the pervert to bed."

"Halle-fucking-lujah," Elijah’s face split into the biggest grin ever as he crawled up the bed towards Orli. He stopped, resting his chin on Orli’s bent up knees. "Will there be fucking?"

"Oh I don’t know!" Orli exclaimed with half a laugh. "Can’t you just leave me alone and stop pushing for a bit?"

Elijah cocked his head and thought about it. "Nah, you know I don’t think I can." He leaned forward and, very deliberately, bit Orli’s bottom lip.

Orli sighed, his hands going up to Elijah’s hair as his mouth was pressed gently open and a warm tongue licked its way inside. It felt so amazingly, so fuckingly… right. He pulled Elijah onto his chest a little more, his knees opening naturally, until Elijah was half lying on him, hands desperately clutching at Orli’s t-shirt.

Elijah tilted his head, his tongue moving deeper, exploring, learning, memorising . The feeling was intoxicating, almost overwhelming and Orli wasn’t quite sure what was happening when Elijah pulled back.

"Take it off," Elijah panted, little breaths puffing out through red-slicked lips.

"Huh?"

"Take it off, your t-shirt," Elijah started pulling at it. Frantic hands making a mess of the job. "Take it off. I want to see you."

Orli felt his cheeks redden at the desperation in Elijah’s voice and the lust in his eyes. He pulled the worn piece of clothing over his head, conscious of his own near nakedness and Elijah’s eyes burning a path back and forth across his skin.

Abruptly Elijah’s hand shot out, fingertips stopping to hover for a second over a nipple, and then he was touching, welts of fire that went straight to Orli’s cock. Elijah seemed to come alive then, frenzied movements as he leaned in to kiss Orli again – hot tongue making Orli press up for more – and just as suddenly to move away again while he pulled his own t-shirt off.

A shared groan of pleasure as naked skin met for the first time, hard nipples rubbing like coarse sand paper over too sensitive skin. Orli’s hands found Elijah’s spine as his mouth was covered again, his fingers against each vertebrae, rubbing and pressing each knobbly bone, holding him tight, pulling him in.

Elijah whimpered softly into Orli’s mouth, hitched up, and suddenly two hard, weeping cocks met. At the first contact Elijah shuddered and his cock slipped over Orli’s, pressing into the side. Neither man was sure who the resulting groan belonged to.

Somehow, from somewhere Elijah found the impetus to move back again. "Take the rest off, I gotta feel you," as he spoke he pulled at his own boxers, trying to wriggle out of them without losing contact with Orli. "Be even better if you were wet but naked will do… for now."

His eyes flickered up to Orli, where he was still half-sitting, half-lying against the headboard, not moving. Elijah smiled, his face full of lecherous intent. "Get ‘em off or I’ll do it with my teeth."

Orli tried desperately not to embarrass himself by whimpering. He didn’t doubt for a second, as he scrambled to get his damp-fronted boxers off, that Elijah could and indeed would do it. Embarrassment wouldn’t even begin to cover it if he came right there and then.

Tugging at them to get them over his foot, Orli was just about to throw his boxers in a corner when Elijah grabbed them. He crushed them into a ball, lifted them to his face and, eyes closed, sniffed them.

"Fuck…" Orli couldn’t help the whimper that went with the word.

Elijah flicked the boxers away and was reaching for Orli’s hip when there was a clattering sound. The boxers had caught on the alarm clock that sat next to the lamp on the bedside table, knocking it to the floor.

Elijah was just about to dismiss it and get on with things when the photograph of Shane on the table caught his eye. He only hesitated for a moment before his hand started to slide up Orli’s inner thigh, but Orli saw it.

"Hold on," Orli twisted under him. "I’ll put it in the drawer."

"No," Elijah said, his hand grabbing onto Orli’s wrist, stopping it. "Leave it. Shane is part of you and he shouldn’t be hidden away."

"But…"

"But nothing," Elijah said seriously. "If Shane was half the man you say he was, he’ll be pleased for you."

Orli pulled Elijah down so they were lying face to face, close but not quite touching, his hand tracing the contours of Elijah’s face. "He’ll be more than pleased, he always said I had great taste. I’ve proved him right again." He slid in closer, his hand cupping the back of Elijah’s head as his slid his mouth over Elijah’s.

Elijah melted.

There really was no other way to describe it, under Orli’s hands and mouth he seemed to soften, become more malleable, before finally yielding completely. A feeling he had never known before. He’d always, always, always been in control when it came to sex, but now, here with Orli, it was different. It was as if his body had lost its cohesion, was reacting without restraint in a way he hadn’t known he was capable of.

Orli felt each shudder and shiver as long tendoned hands scrabbled at his back, their sole purpose apparently to pull him closer.

And then there was a change, Elijah became more frantic as he pushed Orli over a little, his own body still glued close till he was on top. His hips hitched and bucked, thrusts faltering into Orli’s body, but lacking the final friction needed for release.

Orli tried desperately to suck in some air around Elijah’s mouth as he pushed a hand between their bodies, holding their cocks in a single tight grip. He pulled his head back a little, gulping in oxygen with fluttering staccato breaths, but Elijah mouth simply followed, his tongue pushing deep inside.

No rhythm, no rhythm.

Somewhere at the back of Elijah’s mind a voice was screaming there was no rhythm, this wasn’t right… it wasn’t how it was supposed to be… he wasn’t doing it right… But all he could focus on was the feel of Orli’s body pressed against his, the grip of Orli’s hands on his skin and most of all the way that Orli kissed him.

Elijah felt the white hot heat start at the base of his spine and slam towards his cock. Even if he had wanted it to be different, this was beyond his control. An inevitability that flowed around him, drowning him in its intensity.

Orli’s hand tightened on their cocks, Elijah pushed forward, his mouth smearing over Orli’s, and he came, every fibre of his body shaking with the pull of it.

As the last shudder drifted away Elijah let his face slide into the curve of Orli’s neck, his nose scratching over the stubble on Orli’s Adam’s apple. He should move, he knew he should, but he needed a minute to gather himself.

That had been unlike anything he’d ever known and… so not what he’d planned. He’d wanted to make it so amazingly special for Orli that the man would be hooked for life. Instead he’d…. he looked down. Fuck. Orli had come and Elijah didn’t even know when, he’d been so caught up in himself.

Fuck.

That wasn’t right. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He didn’t do things like that.

He pulled himself up onto his hands and slid a path down Orli’s body, licking at his skin till he got to the puddle of cum. "Sorry, I’ll make sure it’s better next time,"

"Huh?" Orli lifted a dazed head and looked at Elijah.

"I was pretty self-absorbed there, I promise I’ll do better next time."

Orli’s hand shot out grabbing Elijah’s bicep in a painfully tight grip, stopping him moving. "What the fuck are you talking about? That was perfect, don’t you dare try and say it wasn’t."

"I know it was good," Elijah stroked at Orli’s belly. "I’m just saying I can do better. You have a lot to look forward to."

For a moment the anger that flashed across Orli’s face was so hot Elijah thought he was going to be hit. But then it was gone, and instead he was pulled up and into an enormous hug, Orli’s arms so tight he couldn’t draw breath.

"When are you going to understand," Orli said, his face buried in Elijah’s hair. "I don’t what you as a trick-performing sex toy, I can buy any whore for that. I want you, for you. Just you."

"But I…"

"No Elijah," Orli pulled him up, gripping the side of Elijah’s face with one hand so he had no choice but to look. "I don’t want tricks, I don’t want you…." he searched wildly for the right words, "working on me. You can have everything I’ve got already, there’s no need for you to use all the skills you’ve learned. I don’t want them and you’ll really piss me off if you start doing it."

The hand still on Elijah’s arm gripped tighter still. "In fact you promise me," Orli said, his eyes blazing. "No tricks, not with me. Not ever."

"We can have fun and…"

"No!" Orli clutched both of Elijah’s arms, holding him up, knowing there would be finger shaped bruises on the soft skin the following morning. "You promise me right now or get out of my bed. I won’t kick you out of the flat, I’ll still love you, but I have to be sure I only get the real you. Like the one just now."

"You liked that?" Elijah was unsure. He could do so much better than that selfish performance.

"That was you, the real you. And that’s the only one I’m going to bed with. Now promise."

"You sure?"

Orli nodded. "Promise."

Elijah wasn’t sure but… "I promise."

Orli let go of Elijah’s arms and he fell back on top, held tight.

Elijah tilted his head back, opened his lips a little and offered himself for the kiss he prayed would come. He wasn’t disappointed. Orli’s lips slid over his and the kiss was slow, wet and tender. Elijah rolled further up onto Orli, angling his head in different ways so that he could enjoy every part of Orli’s mouth. Each time Orli tried to turn his head to kiss the rest of Elijah’s face or his neck, Elijah’s hand came up and turned him back, reaching in for more kisses.

A firm hand stroked across Elijah’s back and he wriggled into the touch, pushing up and encouraging whenever the speed of Orli’s hand slowed. When Orli’s other hand dropped from the back of Elijah’s head to rest on the mattress, Elijah reached out and lifted it to his hip, nudging it into movement with his elbow.

All the time Elijah’s mouth worked on Orli’s.

"You like kissing, don’t you?" Orli laughed gently, their lips barely a millimetre apart.

"We can do something else if you want," Elijah said quickly, his hand reaching down towards Orli’s groin.

"Oh shut up, there’s nothing wrong with kissing," Orli laughed again, leaning in for a long liquid kiss before pulling back and licking his lips. "I think it’s nice that you like just kissing and touching so much. I don’t know, it’s not what I expected and… it’s good."

"Well, I …" Elijah was serious. "I like kissing you."

"Only me?" Orli smiled.

"Yeah, only you," Elijah looked away. "No one has ever kissed me like you do; they always did it to get somewhere else. But you… you kiss me like I matter."

"Christ Elijah," Orli’s arms tightened around him. "You do matter, you matter to me."

"And you matter to me," Elijah pushed himself up, eyes blazing down at Orli. "I don’t want you to ever go out again. You have to stay right here with me so you can’t see anyone else, can’t meet anyone else, can’t fall for anyone else."

Orli realised with amazement that Elijah actually meant it. How could he be that unconfident about himself? "I couldn’t fall for anyone else, not after you. But," a horrible thought suddenly struck him. "You can’t go out either, no meeting or falling for anyone else."

"Deal" Elijah said, eyes wide. "Now kiss me again."

"I will," Orli matched deed to words and then pulled back a little. "I’m going to spend hours kissing you but first," he eased out from under Elijah. "I’m going to clean us both up a bit. Hang on while I get a towel."

As Orli padded off towards the bathroom Elijah lay back, hands behind his head. He couldn’t believe what had happened tonight, how so much had changed. Everything was different, and all of it was good, but how the hell had it happened? He couldn’t get his mind to process the events, it was too much, way too much… and maybe it would all disappear in a puff of smoke in the morning.

When Orli woke up in the light of day he was bound to change his mind. He’d realise what Elijah was, what a mistake he’d made and go screaming for the hills.

And Elijah would let him. With a sudden jolt he realised just how much he did love Orli. No matter how much he wanted and needed Orli, Elijah wasn’t going to try and hold onto him if it wasn’t what Orli wanted. He loved Orli so much that all he wanted was for him to be happy. If that was with him then that would be… But if it was without him, Elijah would let him go.

He glanced over towards the hall, Orli was still in the bathroom. Elijah rolled over onto his belly and looked up at the picture of Shane.

"I won’t hurt him, I promise. I’ll do everything I can to make sure he’s happy," he whispered. "He’s a good man and he loves you, I won’t let him forget that, but… we both want the same thing now, you and me. We want Orli to be happy and I swear to you, I’ll do my best to make sure he is."

When Orli returned, face shiny from cool water quickly splashed on it, Elijah was lying on his back again, smiling up. Orli stood in the doorway for a moment and just looked. Elijah was beautiful, no doubt about that, but he was also going to be bloody hard work. So many attitudes and ingrained reactions to change, so many opinions about himself.

Orli suspected he was going to get hurt along the way, unintentionally maybe, but it would happen more than once. And he was absolutely sure it would be worth it. He’d feel whole again… part of something. This was what he wanted, Elijah was who he wanted.

Now all he had to do was convince the little bugger.

"I’ve bought a flannel and a towel," Orli waved them in the air, moving menacingly towards Elijah. "Let’s get you clean again. You don’t want to stay covered in my cum."

"I don’t mind."

"But you’ll stink," Orli smiled.

"Orlando," Elijah looked up at him, eyes big and serious. "I really don’t mind being covered in anything of yours."

"I know the feeling," Orli looked back. "But let me do this for you, I want to do things for you."

They were both silent for a moment and then Elijah took a deep breath and looked at the flannel, eyeing it suspiciously. "Is it cold?"

"Nah, I got it out of the fridge ages ago," Orli climbed onto the edge of the bed and wiped the flannel carefully down from Elijah’s nipple. It was warm and soft and Elijah sighed back into the bed. The sensation was so soothing, so tender, that he almost felt like he was floating.

Orli ran the cloth down over Elijah’s belly, wiping away the dried splotches of silvery cum. He lifted off and started another pass, in from Elijah’s hip. As Orli got closer to Elijah’s groin a hand suddenly shot out covering the flattened side of his scrotum. "Don’t Orli, don’t get too close to it," Elijah said in a small voice.

"Why? I’ve already seen it remember."

"But that was different. That was before it mattered."

"Idiot," Orli smiled, his voice full of such warm affection that Elijah’s breath hitched in his chest. He lifted Elijah’s hand away and bent down to plant an open mouthed kiss on the warm, gently wrinkled skin. "I think it’s beautiful, just like I think you’re beautiful.

"And Shane said you had taste?" Elijah tried to joke off the tightness he felt at the back of his throat.

"Yeah," Orli kissed again. "And he was right. I have impeccable taste."

He let the soft cloth glide over Elijah’s skin, dropping little kisses over each patch he washed, air on the dampened flesh making it tremble in anticipation. Down from a rounded shoulder, over a pebbled nipple, across a quivering belly, up from a lean, softly muscled thigh. All paths seemed to lead to the heat in Elijah’s groin.

Orli dropped the cloth on the floor and let his hand brush up against the hairs on Elijah’s inner thigh, his open mouth trailing kisses after it till he reached the crease where thigh met body. Gently, carefully he licked along the scar, feeling the raised ridges at its edges.

Elijah mumbles something incoherent as the sensation ricocheted along the damaged skin. Orli glanced up, his mouth still in place. Elijah’s eyes were squeezed tightly shut, his head angled back, a creeping red stain growing across the pale skin of his neck and chest.

Pushing Elijah’s legs apart, Orli slipped in between, his mouth barely leaving flesh. As he settled he let his lips travel down to Elijah’s scrotum and sucked the solid round side into his mouth. Elijah’s breath hitched, his back arched and his hands fisted in the sheet as Orli explored the shape and feel of testicle hidden inside. He constricted the ring of his lips, curving his tongue to push and roll it, tracing the tightening ridges of skin. Such a gorgeous sensation, such a pleasure in his mouth.

When Orli felt the flesh in his mouth tense even more and a shudder run the length of Elijah’s body he eased back, allowing the ball to slip from his mouth. Elijah’s reprise didn’t last long as Orli moved his attention to the other side, drawing the empty flesh up into his mouth.

Elijah made an odd sound at the back of his throat, trying to twist his hips away. Orli simply held on tighter.

Same taste, same smell, a different feel, but no less wonderful. With a deliberate tongue he lapped at it, holding it tight within his lips, as he tested Elijah’s reaction.

Maybe not quite as intense as the other side but still a shudder, still an appreciable arching of his back as his heels pushed down into the bed.

Orli lifted his head a little and deliberately let Elijah’s cock bump against his cheek. The reaction was just what he’d hoped for. Elijah shifted his hips, pushing up and in towards Orli’s face. An unconscious, instinctive reaction that made Orli’s heart swell.

He licked a broad, hard stroke with the flat of his tongue up the full length of the darkly flushed cock and Elijah shuddered. Orli tried the action again and was rewarded with a low, dark, "Oh," as well as the shudder. Lifting up he slicked his lips around the tip of Elijah’s cock, tightening a ring just below the head, using the back of his tongue to rub across the top and ghost into the slit.

Elijah thrust up hard into the too shallow hollow of Orli’s mouth, trying frantically to push his way further in. Orli held fast, not moving his lips any lower down. He rubbed again, deep into the slit, savouring the taste. Elijah bucked up.

"Orli… please…"

"Please what?" Orli asked, his chin rubbing at Elijah’s cock, the chafing causing tiny explosions of liquid fire. "What do you want?"

"I…" only Elijah wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted. "I need to come."

"You need to come…" Orli let the words roll around his mouth as his tongue licked tiny trails across the tip of Elijah’s cock; tiny, maddeningly slow, nowhere near hard enough trails that made Elijah’s back arch and his cock swell further still.

"Please," Elijah gulped, desperate not to beg too much, not yet.

"And how do you want me to make you come?" He watched as a tiny droplet of sweat collected in the hollow of Elijah’s throat.

"I don’t care, just… " Still Elijah didn’t know, but it was becoming too much to wait any longer. He wanted it now; he wanted it all.

"What do you want me to do?" Orli lapped at the tip, his tongue scraping and nuzzling.

"Don’t care," Elijah pushed his hips up harder. "Do anything you like, only do it now."

Abruptly Orli sat back on his heels. "Can’t do that. I can only do what you want."

"Huh?" Elijah wriggled around, trying to find any comfort he could for the ache in his cock.

"This isn’t about me, Elijah. It’s about you. What do you want?"

"What do you mean, it’s not about you?" Elijah tried to pull Orli back down, determined to move things on anyway he could. "Course it’s about you. There are two of us in this bed, you know."

"Yeah, I know," Orli smiled, but then went on, deadly serious. "But right now what I want is to do is something for you. I want to do whatever you want."

"There’re too many bloody ‘wants’ in this conversation for me," Elijah said pushing himself up onto his elbows. "I know I’ll like whatever you do, so you decide."

"Can’t," Orli folded his arms. "It has to be what you want."

"But it doesn’t work like that with me!"

"Does now," Orli said, his evil grin ridged with determination. "With you sex has always been about the other person. This time it’s gonna be all about you and your desires. So, what do you want?"

Elijah stared at Orli for a long moment, eyes bright with hope, realisation hitting home. He took a deep breath and then his lustful, cheeky grin was back in place. "I just need to come. Can’t we get on with the fucking?"

"You want to fuck or do you want me to blow you?" Orli asked.

"Oh god," Elijah shook his head in mock disbelief. "Just get on with it," he grabbed at Orli’s hand, pushing it down onto his groin.

"You want a wank?" Orli pulled his hand away. "You’ve already had one of those, I thought you’d want something different this time."

"I do!" Elijah’s cry was almost shrill. "But I need… something, anything, now."

"So…" Orli smiled, his voice annoyingly calm and controlled. "What’s it to be, a fuck or a blow job?"

Elijah stopped, his eyes flicking from Orli’s mouth to his cock, never having had to make this decision before.

"Blow me," he said lying back down. But before his head had hit the pillow he was back up again. "No, I want to fuck. We can do a mutual blow later… but not too much later… it’s too complicated to arrange now… I gotta come before I explode."

"Sure?"

"For Christ sake, shut up and get on with it!" The anger in his voice was tinged with a delighted humour. But only just.

"Impatient bastard," Orli said leaning in for a kiss. It was slow, hard and very wet. When Orli finally managed to push Elijah away his lips were tingling from the pressure. "You wanna top or bottom?"

"Orli!" Elijah grabbed at Orli’s hair, holding him in place. "I don’t care, just do something."

"Uh ah, I can’t. You still don’t understand, do you? It all has to be what you want," he licked around Elijah’s lips, tracing over the tongue that peeked out. "I’m quite happy to do either."

"I don’t see why it all has to be about me."

"Trust me on this one," Orli licked again. "If you wanna get off it has to be like this."

Elijah’s hips pushed up, his cock slip sliding over Orli’s hipbone. He gave in and made a decision. "Top," Orli started to pull away and turn over. "No, I mean you top. I can’t think straight enough to do the work."

"Okay," Orli sat back again. "What position do you want?"

Elijah grabbed at the pillow under his head, pulling it over his mouth and screamed long and loud into it. When he finally lifted it off his eyes were blazing. "If you ask me to make one more decision I swear I’ll kick your bloody head in." He opened his legs wider, pulling his knees up high. "Now, do it now."

"All right. But one last thing and you have to promise on this or we go no further." At that moment, under the haze of anticipation, Elijah could see that Orli was totally serious. "If I do anything you don’t like or that reminds you of… some other time, you have to tell me. No staying quiet."

Elijah held his breath for a second. Never had he ever felt so safe and so loved. "Promise," he nodded.

"Good," Orli arched over and licked up from Elijah’s ankle to his knee. "Now you lie back and think of England or wherever."

He licked intricate patterns on Elijah’s knee before moving on down his thigh, his hand tracing a similar path along the other leg. Elijah’s breath caught in his chest, his eyes squeezing shut.

Orli slid onto his belly, his hands coming to rest in the creases between Elijah’s legs and body. He wanted this. He wanted it so badly. He wanted to pull himself up and shove his cock in so hard, so deep… and pound, pound, pound away until the throbbing in his cock and the ache in his chest exploded freeing him and letting him breathe again.

But he also wanted to do this right.

And he wanted to do that more.

He rubbed his nose into the base of Elijah’s cock, his mouth trailing open-mouthed kisses on the sac hanging beneath. He let his tongue slide out, playing with the flesh, lifting, caressing, touching with a firmness just enough to torment.

Sliding a hand under Elijah’s knee he lifted it, pressing it back. Elijah’s breath faltered, tiny strangled puffs of sound hardly enough to do the job of getting oxygen into his lungs. Orli explored lower, under the sac, over flesh that quivered and tensed as he probed, into the shadowy space below.

"You don’t have to do that," Elijah’s voice stuttered, dark and breathy from above.

"I know I don’t ‘have’ to do it," Orli blew a steady stream of air on the tense muscle. "I don’t do anything I don’t want to."

"But…"

"You ever done it?" Orli asked.

He felt rather than saw Elijah’s nod. "Don’t see why I can’t do it then." Orli thought for a second. "Ever had it done to you?"

"No," Elijah whispered.

"Well then, you’re going to enjoy this," he smiled.

"But…"

"Elijah, unless you really, really want me to stop for some weird reason you should shut up now."

Elijah went quiet, his breath held tight in his chest, hand clamped over his mouth as he waited.

Orli bent his head again, his tongue snaking out, touching and tasting. He found the creased ring right as Elijah’s hand found his hair. Orli expected fingers that would push and pull at his scalp, directing the action and the speed. Instead they trailed through the strands in a gentle caress. He licked a firm stroke across the hole. The fingers tensed, but arched out, away from his head for a moment before they were back.

Orli licked again and again, gentle soft strokes and then harder, more demanding until the body below him was trembling, arching up in awkward angles. He curled his tongue, centring at the very middle of the wrinkled flesh, and pushed slow but steady.

Elijah gave a strange strangled cry, pulling his knees further up, pushing his hips, offering himself to Orli. The ring of muscle opened a little, taking in just the tip of Orli’s tongue, and then faltered, tightening as Orli’s tongue twisted and eased the way.

Orli pushed again, stretching and relaxing tense muscles before he lifted away. Elijah’s hands twisted in the sheet and he whimpered, a high, pathetic little sound as he lifted his hips again, pushing forward towards Orli. He didn’t want the sweet torture to stop.

"You’re tight," Orli said, kissing the inside of Elijah’s thigh. "Have you fucked since you got out of the hospital?

"No!" Elijah cried, indignation easing his need for Orli to continue. "You know I haven’t." He didn’t understand why it mattered so much to him that Orli could even think he had.

"Okay, so we’ll have to take it easy," Orli lifted himself up and sat back. He ran a hand down past Elijah’s knee, massaging the tense muscle and smiled reassuringly. "I figured you hadn’t. But we need to ease the way with some…" he kissed the side of Elijah’s knee, "lovely," a kiss to the other knee, "slippery," a lick up a thigh, "slimy," a flick of tongue over a single ball and along the length of a cock, "lube," a final open-mouthed kiss to Elijah’s belly button.

Elijah half laughed, half groaned as his hand went from its death grip on the sheet to search under the pillow. It came out empty. He tried to twist round, "I can’t find it," he said lifting the pillow up.

"In the drawer," Orli nodded towards the side table.

"But all gay men keep their lube under the pillow," Elijah managed a full laugh this time, a huge effort with his breath still stuttering in his chest, pink tinges of colour flushing high on his cheeks and mottling his chest.

"Not when they haven’t had sex with anyone except their hand in months."

Elijah pulled the small tube from the drawer. "No blow up dolls?" He said, desperate to appear calm and in control as he tossed the lube at Orli and reached back in.

"Nope, too poor for them."

Elijah flicked over a condom packet. "Might as well get everything ready while we’re at it."

Orli stared down at the small foil packet in his hand, and then looked up at Elijah. For a long, long moment he didn’t move, he just sat, watching.

"Orlando?" Elijah’s intestines twisted and tightened under Orli’s gaze. "What’s the matter? It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind, I understand if…."

"Do I need this?" Orli interrupted, holding up the packet.

"Course you do. No one would want to fuck me without one."

"I do," Orli said simply.

"But…" Elijah didn’t understand.
"Why do I need it?"

"To protect yourself," Elijah shrugged. "You know that. You have to use one."

"What am I protecting myself from?" Orli asked.

"Me." Elijah’s eyes were hooded, unreadable. "You have to protect yourself from me."

Orli dropped the packet on the side of the bed near Elijah’s hip. "I know I’m clear, I haven’t done anything since I got tested, and you were tested when you were in hospital. It came back clear, didn’t it?"

Elijah nodded.

"I believe you when you said you haven’t done anything since then. So what do I need protecting from?"

"But you… can’t take chances. What if….?"

"What if what? I trust you," Orli said.

"Shit, Orlando," Elijah rubbed at his face, the enormity of the situation hitting him. "Just put the condom on."

"I don’t want to. I trust you enough to believe that you won’t hurt me, no matter what. If you fuck around in the future you won’t put me in danger. You’ll either tell me or just make sure we use a condom."

Elijah sucked in several long, harsh breaths. Things were moving in ways he hadn’t thought about, it was all so… grown up. Orli didn’t play games like everyone else. He wanted things real and open, he was honest and true.

"I won’t fuck around but…"

"Be careful what you promise," Orli interrupted. "You say that now but it’s going to be hard to change."

"I won’t," Elijah’s voice was full of determination but also something else, something small and scared.

"I know you’ll try and, knowing you, I bet you succeed and I really, really want you to ‘cos… I don’t want to share you Elijah, not with anyone."

"I’m scared," Elijah said, and wide eyes stared up at Orli from a pale face. "You scare me."

"For god’s sake, why?" Orli asked amazed.

"You… you want to love a whole person, a normal person and I don’t know how to be that. Everything gets so… complicated with you. Can’t we just fuck?"

"You want me to fuck you or love you?" Orli asked simply.

"Jesus Orli," Elijah’s voice wavered, echoes of all sorts of emotion running through it. "I’ve never been so scared as I am right now."

"Tell me, what are you frightened of?"

"I’m frightened that… that I won’t be able to live up to what you think I am and…" He ran out of words.

"And what?"

"You’ll…" It was make or break time, either Elijah trusted Orli or he couldn’t make that step. Orli sat back and waited, this was one decision Elijah had to make alone.

It wasn’t the bent and open legs or the nakedness that left Elijah exposed and vulnerable, it was his words. "I’m so scared you’ll leave when you realise I’m not the person you want, and then… I’ll have nothing." Just for a brief moment he was unable to meet Orli’s gaze and his eyes flickered down.

Orli gently rested a hand on Elijah’s ankle, his thumb rubbing small circles around the protruding bone, and Elijah’s eyes were back. He went on in a small, nervous voice. "I have nothing now but I can cope with that because, I guess… I’ve never known anything else. But if I have you, treating me like I’m whole, like I matter and then you go…." The implication hung heavy in the air.

Orli leaned over and kissed the top of Elijah’s knee. "You are a whole person and most definitely the person I want," he smiled a soft, confident little smile. "Now it’s my job to make you believe it."

Orli picked up the small foil packet and looked at it. "What do you want me to do with this?"

With a shaking hand Elijah took it from Orli and dropped it over the side of the bed. It hit the floor and bounced into the pile of junk that had accumulated there. As far as Orli was concerned that was where it would stay.

He leaned forward over Elijah, one hand either side of his head, and lowered himself down until his lips just brushed Elijah’s. Orli smiled and Elijah could feel it echoing through his own skin.

"I do love you, you know?" Elijah whispered, not trusting his voice for any more volume.

"I know," Orli whispered back, adding a tiny kiss to each corner of Elijah’s mouth. "And God help me I didn’t want to, but I love you too."

"You didn’t want to?"

Orli kissed the tip of Elijah’s nose and swiped quickly across his lips. "Because of Shane, because I didn’t understand you and thought you were trouble, because I was scared of taking a chance… because of a thousand things…" He kissed Elijah again. "But I love you and I’m glad I do."

"And now… " Elijah picked at the words. "I’ll try my best to be…"

Orli stopped him with a full-on, heart stopping, mouth-numbing kiss. "Don’t try to be anything. I love you as you are."

"Oh fuck," Elijah gave in; whatever he’d been holding in reserve was gone now. No little bit kept back for self-preservation, no small part hidden. If he was going to lose himself over this, he might as well do it completely. At least if he broke into a million pieces there would be no way back.

Elijah reached up and locked his hand behind Orli’s neck, trying to pull him down. For a moment Orli held firm and Elijah couldn’t see why.

A sly grin crossed Orli’s face as his hand went out for the lube. The practiced ease with which he flipped the lid and squirted some out one handed left Elijah in no doubt that Orli was not the virginal monogamist he sometimes seemed to be. "Ready?" Orli asked, holding up coated, shinning fingers and Elijah fought hard to stop himself coming right there and then.

This mixture of frenzied need and complete defencelessness was unlike anything he’d ever felt before. Scared didn’t even begin to cover it.

When Elijah pulled this time Orli bent his head down just enough for a long, unhurried kiss. He stayed high on hands and knees until Elijah began to arch up, trying to find more contact, then he dropped his hips down, pushing into Elijah.

With a mind freezing slowness they ground themselves into each other, hard cock grinding and sliding over equally hard cock, the acute ache of dry friction giving way to pre-cum slipperiness. Elijah’s hand dug rhythmic patterns into the hard tendons along Orli’s neck and down his spine, digging into flesh, pulling him closer, marking him as taken.

As Orli slipped a hand down in between them Elijah pulled his knees up and further out of the way. Orli’s tongue lapped at Elijah’s lips in the same rhythm and with the pattern as his fingers trailed over his opening. As the kiss got harder the fingers pushed more urgently, when his tongue was tracing over the roof of Elijah’s mouth, pushing towards the back, his fingers slipped inside.

Elijah hissed out a groan but it was caught in Orli’s mouth. He held a breath for a moment then pushed up, his tongue fighting back as a hand snaked down to the soft curve of Orli’s arse, pinching at the flesh.

Orli let his fingers slip deeper, rubbing with knowing intent as he twisted and probed. He felt the shudder of acceptance around his fingers before the sensation spiralled up Elijah’s spine. He reached further, his pleased smile unnoticed as Elijah arched further up into the kiss.

Three fingers pushed deep, stretching and opening and the flesh around them had no choice but to yield. Using a knee to take some of his weight, Orli angled his back and deliberately stroked his hip bone over Elijah’s cock. The resulting inarticulate groan was all that he could have wished for.

Fingers, tongue and hips worked until Elijah was arching and panting under him, tiny drops of sweat running over flushed skin. Could there be anything more than this?

As he dropped his hips, his cock rubbing up and over, his free hand cupping under the curve of Elijah’s arse to lift him just a little more, Orli knew there was nothing more.

"Please Orlando," Elijah panted. "Please, do it now." He’d acted this begging desperation before, but never dreamed of feeling it. A palpable current running up his spine.

Orli slid his knees under himself, sitting back, fingers still reaching deep inside. "You sure? You don’t want me to just…." He pushed and twisted maliciously, grinning as Elijah sucked in a huge breath and held totally still. For a moment Elijah could do nothing but ride the shock wave of stimulus so fierce it was almost painful. Almost; almost but not quite.

The shudder passed and he pulled his legs impossibly wider, tipping his hips forward. "Now you bastard," he hissed. "Do it now."

Elijah slipped a hand under his knee pulling it back to his chest. As he did so Orli’s fingers slid deliberately, grazing across too sensitive flesh. Elijah couldn’t help but buck as he bit at a swollen lip.

"Sure?" Orli asked again, smiling. He leant forward and flicked his tongue over the tip of Elijah’s cock.

"Do it!" Elijah howled, twisting his head so his breath puffed at his raised knee. "You don’t have to make all this effort with me. I can take anything you can give."

Orli stilled his fingers but didn’t remove them. "’Lijah you say one more dumb arsed thing like that," he looked up, eyes full of need but also something else. Anger? Compassion? Empathy? "And I will keep you dangling on the edge till you are crying and begging me to finish you."

Elijah stared up at the ceiling, desperately trying to catch his breath. He had no doubt Orli could do it. No one had ever taken this time and effort over him and Elijah had never wanted anything so much in all his life. All new feelings; so different, so intense as to be nearly painful. And he hadn’t even know how much he’d been longing for them. "Please," he said softly. "I want you to."

"That’s better," Orli said angling himself over Elijah. He looked down at the flushed face and heaving chest below him and smiled before dropping a soft kiss on Elijah’s lips.

"I love you," he whispered. "And now I’m gonna fuck you." Elijah said nothing; holding Orli’s eyes for a moment, praying to god the other man knew how he felt.

He did.

Twisting around just a little Orli aligned his cock flush with the fingers still deep inside Elijah and then slowly, oh so slowly, pushed along the hollow they formed. He felt it as the tip of his cock slipped in and his fingers drew out – a sweet tightening, a glorious knowledge that he had found a new home – and couldn’t help the loud, long groan escaping his lips.

Elijah stuttered out a breath of pleasure in reply.

Orli thought about pushing, thrusting so damned hard that… but just about managed to hold himself enough to gently ease his way further in; soft, flickering movements as he kissed and licked at what ever part of Elijah’s skin he could reach.

Elijah mewled, a soft flutter of sound unlike anything Orli had heard him make before, and he prayed to every god he could think of that it was in pleasure.

He felt a wriggling underneath him and realised that somehow Elijah had managed to pull his knees further back, further apart, opening himself wider as… Orli’s cock slipped in a little more. He held himself completely still for a moment, and risked a glance down, questioning.

Big eyes looked up at him; big and round, almost pleading. Orli could see Elijah’s lips moving but couldn’t catch the words. He leaned a little closer.

"Please," Elijah whispered, twisting his head, trying to hide from a type of nakedness he’d never known before, the words coming from a long dormant part of his mind. "Please, love me."

Orli felt the last semblance of his control go; control over what he was doing, what he was feeling, over his life. He pressed slowly but methodically, the rest of the way into Elijah’s body on a long, long, long moan that echoed round the dimly lit room. His hand tightened around Elijah’s cock, determined to seize every part of the other man. This was what he wanted, this feeling of complete rightness as he moved again and again inside the tight body below him.

Nothing had felt like this since… No, he wouldn’t do that. This was about Elijah; he wasn’t going to think about the past. Now was all about the perfect present and the possibilities of the future. Now was about life, not death.

Teeth gritted he held on for as long as he could, fingers squeezing an exquisite rhythm, determined to hold on till Elijah came. It was hard, so damned hard. Hard to hold on, hard to keep up the pressure, hard not to push so fiercely they were both screaming, hard to remember anything other than the pleasure. He flicked his wrist, hand tightening in a way that made Elijah grab hold of a breath and… and come with an almost pathetic whimper.

When Orli felt the splatter of warm come on his hand and the body below him go limp with a stuttered breath he heaved out a groan and… fucked Elijah with every atom of love and passion he possessed. With an unexpected suddenness he came; he came with a tightening in his chest far stronger than anything he felt in his groin.

Home.

A feeling he had given up hope of. A feeling he never expected to have again and had mourned for. A feeling that he thanked Shane for.

He pulled out gently and flopped down onto his side, pulling Elijah onto him. For a second Elijah pushed into the contact, his hands pinching fast at the skin on Orli’s back and shoulders, he hugged Orli in a punishing embrace, clinging on for dear life, rubbing his face into the crook of Orli’s neck. And then he was gone.

Elijah pulled away, turning his back on Orli to sit on the edge of the bed, his hands going up to scrub at his face. But not quick enough to prevent Orli seeing a few quick tears drip from dark eyelashes onto a pale cheek.

"Oh fuck Elijah, I’m sorry," Orli reached across the bed, but Elijah was off before he had a chance to touch him. "I didn’t mean to hurt you, I tried to go slow but I… Christ I’m so sorry." Reality hit hard.

Elijah mumbled something incoherent as he hunted in the pile of clothes on the chair for something to wipe his face on.

Orli couldn’t believe this; everything had been so good, so… right. There really was no other word for it, and now it was falling apart and it was all his fault. He’d managed to muck up the only good thing that had happened to him since Shane had died and...

He tried again, crawling across the bed to plead to Elijah’s back. "You have to believe me, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ll never do it again, I’m really, really sorry."

"Stop saying you’re sorry," Elijah wiped his face on his t-shirt and then threw it on the floor. "It’s not your fault."

"Of course it’s my fault," Orli sat back on his heels. "I hurt you and I promised myself I’d never do that. I lied and…"

"You didn’t lie and you didn’t hurt me,"

"I…" Orli fought for the right words. "I know it wasn’t the greatest sex ever but it’s early days… we’re still learning about each other, it’ll get better and… I won’t hurt you again. I promise."

"Shut up! You didn’t hurt me," Elijah shouted high and shrill. He turned round, his face smudged with dirty tear stains but his eyes blazing. "Everybody else did but you didn’t."

"I don’t understand…" And Orli truly didn’t.

"You don’t understand? Well neither did I," the hurt, little boy was gone. In his place stood a very angry man. "I thought I knew everything, me – the great sex expert. I knew everything there was to know about it, which was just as well because it was the only thing I knew about. Only…" he stared past Orli, at the bed, for a long moment.

"Only I didn’t know it could be like that," he looked at Orli, some sort of a mockery of a smile on his face. "Fucking hilarious, isn’t it? I didn’t even know what I was missing… didn’t know it existed, and I’m meant to be the great expert."

"I…" Orli didn’t know what to say; frighteningly conscious that saying the wrong thing could make Elijah even angrier. But not understanding what the right thing was. "But… you’ve done that before?"

"Done what?" Elijah was spitting fire now and Orli didn’t know if it was at him. "Had a cock shoved up my arse? Course I’ve done that. I’ve had a cock shoved up my arse and enjoyed it but I’ve never had the rest… didn’t even know about it."

He turned away from Orli in angry frustration, but Orli wasn’t having that. "Elijah," he grabbed Elijah’s arm and swung him back round. "I don’t understand, tell me what you didn’t know."

Elijah shook his arm free. "I thought sex was all about what happened in your cock and your arse, about one person going hard and fast after what they wanted and, if you were really lucky, the other one getting something out of it as well."

His voice started to crack and he looked away from Orli. "I didn’t know it was about what happened in here and here as well," he tapped a hard finger on his chest, near his heart, and his head. "No one ever let on that how it felt here was even better… that it’s all about who you’re with not just what you’re doing. I didn’t know that you could both enjoy it as much as…"

His face clouded with a dawning uncertainty. "Oh fuck Orli, you did….?"

"Did I what? Enjoy it?" Orli reached for Elijah’s hand again and this time he wasn’t brushed away. "Jesus did I ever enjoy it," he ran his hand down, linking their fingers together. "That’s what I’ve been trying to find for so long, that extra fire inside when it’s with someone you care about. Not just another fuck."

"I didn’t know it existed," Elijah’s voice wavered and Orli pretended he didn’t see the sparkle of tears at the corners of his eyes.

"Well you do now!" Orli tried to pull Elijah towards him but the resistance was still too strong. "I’ve been searching for that for so long and you didn’t know it existed. Now you know it’ll be here whenever you want it, just like I will be."

Suddenly, instead of pulling back, Elijah threw himself at Orli, pushing until they were both lying on the bed, Elijah’s face once more buried in the crook of Orli’s neck. He grabbed at Orli’s arm trying frantically to wrap it around himself, until Orli cottoned on and hugged him close.

Orli could feel tiny little shudders running through Elijah’s body as he burrowed in deeper, trying to twist and wriggle his legs so that Orli was almost surrounding him. Elijah mumbled something against Orli’s skin. "What?" Orli asked but Elijah wouldn’t lift his head, mumbling again.

"Tell me," Orli said quietly as he hooked his leg further over Elijah’s hip.

Elijah twisted his head slightly, not looking up, only moving his mouth away from skin. "Tighter," he whispered. "Hold me tighter."

Orli was only too happy to oblige. With one hand he stroked along Elijah’s spine until, slowly, the trembling stopped. But still he didn’t release the tightness of his hold.

"Do you know," Orli said gently. "After Shane died all I wanted was a quiet life, even after he’d been gone a while and I realised I was looking for something more, I still wanted safe and cautious. Then you exploded into my world and…" he smiled, kissing the top of Elijah’s head. "Thank god you’re here. We might be a right pair of emotional cripples but it’s never going to be boring and I wouldn’t change it for the world."

Elijah looked up, propping his chin on Orli’s chest. "You won’t let me go, will you?"

Orli shook his head. "Not a chance."

"Even if I’m really difficult and cock things up?"

"Makes no difference. I’m stuck with you and… you’re good for me. You stop me living in the past."

"Sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Good ‘cos I’m never gonna let you get away." Elijah laid his head back down and traced a firm finger along Orli’s arm. "And don’t think it’s all one sided, it’s never going to be easy with you either. You’re always making me think, making me…feel. I’m not sure if I’m gonna like that." He looked up through thick lashes, his ironic smile tight but sure.

"Course you will," Orli smiled back. "Anyway, it’s good for you. Like eating your greens, you might not like the taste but you know it’s healthy and does you good. I’m going to keep you healthy, even if it kills us both."

"Oh god, if only I known how hard you’d push for what’s good for me before I made my wish," Elijah laughed softly, snuggling in tighter.

"Erh?" Orli raised an eyebrow. "What wish?"

"My birthday wish, when I blew out the candles on my cake. It proves birthday wishes really do come true."

Orli stroked a hand through Elijah’s hair, down over an ear to the curve of his jaw. He lifted it gently so he could look into Elijah’s eyes. "What did you wish for?"

"You," Elijah said, his face serious. Then he broke into an enormous smile. "But that was before I knew how scary you are."

"Idiot," Orli said flippantly, catching Elijah in a huge bear hug.

They lay quiet for a long while, never moving any further apart, never letting their fingers idle, Orli’s mind whirling away, almost against his will. A question niggled at his mind and he couldn’t let it go. "I asked you once before if you were gay or bi." He trailed his fingers through Elijah’s hair, lifting a few strands to his face to sniff then letting them drop back down. "Which is it?"

Elijah went still. "Does it matter?"

Orli thought about that; thought about it long and hard. "Yeah, I think it does," he said softly. "Not for any big sex reason, just because I want to know about you and that’s part of who you are."

Elijah rolled over onto his back and let out a long breath. Not a sigh exactly, more an acceptance that it was time to deal with this. "I said before that I didn’t know and I wasn’t lying, I really don’t. I always just… slept with whoever I had to."

"But you must know who you want," Orli reasoned.

"Why must I? How am I supposed to tell?"

"I don’t know, who did you want? Not just for what they could do for you but who did you fancy?"

Elijah was silent for a long moment. "I guess if you follow that criteria I’m…Oh fuck it, just forget it." He tucked himself back in against Orli’s side, his hand reaching over to drape against a rounded pink nipple.

"No, tell me please," Orli said, easing Elijah onto his back and leaning over him so he could see his face. "I want to know you. Are you gay or bi?"

Elijah looked at him, eyes wider and rounder than Orli had ever seen them before. He hesitated a second and Orli saw him make a silent decision. "I’ve never slept with anyone just because I wanted them."

"Never?" Orli said disbelieving.

Elijah shook his head. "You’re the first."

"I’m your first," Orli rolled the words around his tongue, testing them out. Partly appalled, partly amazed but mostly honoured.

"I’ve had loads of sex but…" Elijah actually began to blush. The colour just touching the top of his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. "You’re the first person I’ve wanted, the first person I’ve… made love with." The last words were said so quietly Orli only just heard then, but hear them he did.

"Oh god Elijah," Orli reached a hand out brushing the hair back from Elijah’s face, tracing the curve of his eyebrow, resting a thumb on the soft skin.

Elijah stared at him, eyes unguarded and trusting. "As for labels well, I don’t think it would matter if you were a man or a woman. I just want you. So I guess I’m not gay or bi, I’m yours. I’m Orli’s."

Orli curved forward and gently kissed Elijah’s forehead. "And now I’m yours."

He pulled the covers up off the floor, tucked Elijah into his side, wrapped them both up tight and reached to switch off the lamp. In the darkness Orli felt Elijah’s head tip back slightly. "You want me to stay with you tonight?" Elijah asked.

"No," Orli sighed. "I want you to stay with me forever."

It wasn’t going to be easy but by God, Orli knew it was going to be worth it.


+


Orli woke first the next morning, as he fought to open his eyes he was conscious of the silly little smile on his lips and that everything had changed. His hand stroked over Elijah’s hip and he was rewarded when a leg was lifted higher across his thighs. He smiled, an idiotic, self-satisfied smile as he felt Elijah’s breath puff against his chest.

He lay there and thought about the chaotic, roller-coaster of events and emotions from the previous night. After one night everything was different. Now life had a purpose, now he had a reason to get up in the morning… Fuck! He really did have a reason to get up: work.

He slipped out of bed, gently untangling Elijah, trying not to wake him, but it was no good, they’d been too tightly tied. "Where’ you going?" Elijah asked half opening a sleepy eye and pushing the duvet down to release a cloud of warmth and Elijah’s smell.

"I have to go to work," Orli looked as Elijah stretched, arms twisting above his head, spine arching, hips lifting, cock… Oh god. Cock hard and weeping. "Maybe I don’t have to go just yet… but I do need to pee." He dropped a kiss on Elijah’s lips, only just managing to pull himself away from their soft, warm promise to head for the bathroom.

As Orli came back into the bedroom Elijah uncurled to lay across the bed, duvet pushed out of sight. His hand lazily stroked at his cock, the contrast of the dark flush and the pale skin of his fingers making Orli’s breath hitch.

Even with his hand moving like that he looked… his face looked… innocent, defenceless, vulnerable. Orli would make it his life’s work to protect him.

"Orli, I know you have to go to work, can’t have both of us lazing around all day, but…" Elijah’s voice was dark and full of longing. "Can’t we do it again before you go?"

Orli’s cock dripped a pearl of pre-cum.

"What do you want?" Orli could hear the need in his own voice.

"Oh no, don’t start that again," Elijah laughed as his hand pulled a little harder. "We can do what you want as well."

"I want… I have absolutely no idea what I want to do," Orli laughed with him, knowing he damned well meant it. He might not know what he wanted but he knew he wanted to do lots of it.

"Okay," Elijah’s eyes lit up. "I’ll fuck you while you think about it and then you can fuck me. Only do it harder this time," he licked at impossibly perfect lips. "I want to feel you inside me till you get home tonight. And…" he cocked a dark eyebrow. "Do you think you’ll be able to get it up again after that? I wanna suck you as well and then of course there’s always my wanking fantasy of you wet and naked."

Vulnerable?

Orli conceded that maybe one of them was in need of a little protection but he wasn’t entirely certain it was Elijah.


+


When Orli got home that night it was to the smell of spices cooking. Nice. Elijah didn’t do full-on cooking very often but when he did he was good. The aroma reached him as he opened the door, long before he got a glimpse of Elijah. But then… there he was standing in the wreckage of the kitchen, hair mussed up, a smear of something spicy on his cheek, a look of longing in his eye along with a hint of uncertainty.

"Missed you," Orli said. All the way home on the bus he’d been trying to think of something witty or clever to say when he got in. That wasn’t what he’d intended, but Elijah’s face lit up.

"Can’t think why, you’ve rung me at least half a dozen times," Elijah replied and indeed Orli had, stupid, pointless phone calls when they’d talked about who’s turn it was to clean the toilet and whether they needed any more milk. At the end of each call they’d been laughing about nothing and neither of them had wanted to be the first to hang up.

"You rang me as well," Orli pointed out. "I hardly got anything done."

"Sorry," but Elijah didn’t look it. He waved a hand in the vague direction of the oven. "Dinners on, it’ll be a couple of hours."

Orli felt a lump swell up in his throat. He wanted all this so much… "I guess that gives us time to…" his mouth went dry.

"Go to bed," Elijah whispered for him.

At first it was fast and furious, desperate passion needing to be quenched, hard and punishing, as too many hours apart took their toll. First time they didn’t even make it to the bed, fingers marking flesh as they pushed up against the door frame, guttural, ragged breaths, moans of, ‘harder,’ ‘more,’ ‘need you,’ strangled, off-pitch cries of each others names as body crushed against body, biting and claiming.

Collapsing to the floor, Elijah held Orli’s head in a grip so tight the red marks would show for days as he pushed himself into the only too willing mouth. Tongue first, then fingers, followed by his cock. Neck stretched taut as Elijah threw his head back and howled at the ceiling as he came. Never had he felt this, never had he even glimpsed it could be like this; not for him. Feelings like this weren’t for the likes of him; this yearning, hysterical need to… possess Orli.

Then it turned slow and exploring. Orli having to hold Elijah down so he could memorise every millimetre of skin, every rounded curve, every long muscle, every plane of open body with fingertips, tongue and mouth, before sucking and thrusting them both back to fever pitch again.

Everything he wanted and all he needed.

At one point Orli had looked up at the photograph of Shane and... Should he feel guilty?

But then he was sure Shane had looked back down and smiled, not so fanciful, they always did have that element of knowing how the other felt. This was just another example and… Shane would know.

Perfect.

Everything was perfect.


+


They sat in the bath, the oven turned off, dinner forgotten for the moment. Orli was glad he hadn’t thrown away the candles his sister had given him at Christmas. He’d felt stupid when he got them out, shyly showing them to Elijah who had dutifully laughed but then helped to stand them around the bathroom and light them.

Now Orli lay back, his head resting against the wall, Elijah leaning on his chest. Elijah’s head seemed to have found its own natural position, snuggled in against Orli’s neck. Orli reached round and let a handful of water trickle over Elijah’s nipple, watching as it formed streams and rivers down the soft skin.

"Come to my mum and dad’s for dinner on Sunday?" he asked out of nowhere.

"Nah," Elijah didn’t open his eyes as his hands skimmed patterns over Orli’s knees where they pressed tightly into his sides. "We’ve been over this before, I’m not really welcome."

"But it’s different now, we’re different," Orli almost laughed at himself. "I want to show you off. We can start with my folks and then meet some of the others for a drink next week."

"Do we have to?" Elijah squirmed gently. "Can’t we just stay here forever, the two of us? I don’t know if I’m ready for people yet, not if I have to… be careful."

Orli pushed gently at Elijah’s shoulder and hugged him. "You’ll be all right, we’ll take it slow."

Elijah made a blurry sound of disagreement.

"I’ll be there and only a few people to begin with. Parents first and then Rose and a couple of the others."

"I somehow don’t think you’re parents will be impressed."

"Well they should be, you’re beautiful."

"You know, I can’t get over the fact you really mean that," Elijah turned his head, kissing Orli’s neck. "Not just that I’m fuckable but that I’m actually beautiful."

"You are. Fuckable and beautiful," he dripped more water around Elijah’s chest, rubbing it in with his thumbs. "And my parents should get a chance to see it."

"You’re beautiful too. The most beautiful…" Elijah didn’t finish the sentence, changing the subject again. "But you shouldn’t push things with your parents. It could be… difficult."

"Why?" Orli asked gently. "Why could it be difficult?"

"Oh I don’t know," Elijah wrinkled up his nose and shrugged. "It just might."

"’Lijah, let’s have a deal, right here, at the beginning of us. No lies and no secrets. Each of us has so much…" Orli searched for the right word. "So much baggage that things could go wrong if we don’t talk to each other. I don’t want that, so talk. Deal?"

Elijah twisted his head round, looking up at Orli’s serious face. "Yeah, I guess so. Deal."

"So?"

Elijah settled back against Orli’s chest, his hands taking up their familiar position brushing at Orli’s knees. "It’s just… you’re parents have met me before. They already have opinions about me. I bet your mum said something to you, tried to warn you off?"

Orli hesitated.

Elijah pushed. "Come on, you said no secrets remember. I bet she said something."

"Maybe."

Elijah smiled, but it held no warmth. "Told you so."

"Well she was wrong, she has to get to know the real you and dad…" Elijah suddenly felt Orli go tense and he knew he’d made a connection. Elijah’s heart sank just a little.

"My dad hit on you, didn’t he?" Orli asked, his voice flat.

Elijah tried to work out what to say.

"No secrets," Orli said. "Tell me."

"He didn’t really hit on me..." Elijah hedged but kept to the truth. "Maybe he thought about the idea, just a little."

Orli sucked in a huge breath, letting it out slowly through his nose. "And mum knows?"

"Not really, not officially. But she saw the way he looked at me, heard a couple of things he said."

Orli went silent, thinking. "Did he fuck you?" he asked suddenly.

"No. It never came to anything."

"But he would have? If you’d have let him. If he’d had anything you wanted."

"I honestly don’t know. I think I made him wonder and he got a bit… fascinated as well as appalled by the idea," Elijah shrugged, feeling he’d somehow let Orli down.

"Shit," Orli hugged Elijah again, a tight possessive hug as he kissed the dark hair. "All the more reason for you to come Sunday, show them we’re together now."

"They’re not gonna like it," Elijah said again.

"Tough. Anyway, they’ll get used to it. They’ll have to."

"You’re quite ruthless on the quiet, aren’t you?" Elijah said, sinking further back onto Orli. "I didn’t realise it at first but you’re good at making people come round to your way of thinking."

"Yep, I just batter them down till they see my logic," he smiled for the first time in a while and ran his hands over Elijah’s chest, down to his belly button. "It worked with Shane, it’ll work with you."

"What do you mean, ‘it worked with Shane?’ Didn’t they like him?"

"Not at first. They wouldn’t have liked anyone at first; they didn’t approve of my being gay," he twisted a leg round over Elijah’s, easing a tensing thigh, claiming a little more possession. "They hoped it was just a phase but Shane won them round, so will you. Now even my mum admits I have impeccable taste and I’m usually right."

"I think it might be just a bit harder for me," Elijah half laughed. "What with my history."

"You’ll do it," Orli said confidently. "I have faith in you and if not, fuck ‘em. They either accept me and who I want or they don’t. So, you coming Sunday?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Only if you really, really need it."

"I’ll come but… remind me not to cross you," Elijah smiled, feeling very safe, very protected.

"I’ll remind you about that next time we’re arguing over what to watch on telly," Orli said, leaning forward awkwardly to add more hot water.

They settled back again as the steam rose. When the water reached too high Elijah twisted the tap off with his foot, unwilling to sit up. The atmosphere was warm and peaceful and their thoughts drifted for a while.

"I’m always going to be second to Shane, aren’t I?" Elijah suddenly asked.

Orli thought about it, not dismissing it quickly as he could have, but knowing Elijah deserved the truth. "Depends what you mean by second," he twisted so he could look at Elijah. "Shane will always be the first person I fell in love with, the first to make me realise who I was and what I wanted."

"What do you mean?"

Orli chewed his lip as he considered how to explain his feelings. "It was Shane that made me realise I didn’t want a whole string of one night stands, that I wanted someone to love and…" he laughed at himself. "Fuck, I sound like a girl, but that I wanted commitment and someone I know will be there when I get home. Shane gave me all that and more and I will always love him for it but…"

"But what?"

"I don’t know… I love him but…" Still Orli couldn’t say it.

"But he’s dead?" Elijah suggested quietly.

"Yeah, he’s gone and," Orli smiled ironically. "You’re more than enough of a handful."

"But not enough to forget about him, surely?" Elijah sounded disapproving.

"God no, I’ll never forget Shane, I’ll always love him and he’ll always be… special."

"That’s as it should be." Elijah smiled and settled back, happy now that was sorted. He really didn’t want Orli to lose the memory of Shane, he wanted Orli to have everything, to be…content.

"But now I’m happy to love you," it was Orli’s turn to smile. "Shane would have like you, he’d approve of us. You’d have liked him as well; in fact I would have had stiff competition if he were still here. But…" he kissed Elijah’s ear, a tiny little gesture more about affection than lust. "He’s gone and you’re here and it’s us now. So I guess you’re second to Shane in some things, in timing for one, but not in how much I love you."

"I can live with that," Elijah said resting his head back down. "That’ll do me just fine."

And by god, he meant it.

The End.

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