Chapter Three
+
Elijah closed his eyes and lay back down.
He could feel the rough pattern of the carpet under his face, still see where his bag and coat lay on the floor, the imprint clear on the insides of his eyelids. He felt his chest rise and fall with his breathing; breathe in and slowly out, in and slowly out, over and over. Everything so normal, so ordinary. Only not.
He pulled himself up, twisting round onto his knees and hitching his trousers up carefully. With slow moving fingers he did up the button then pulled his torn shirt tighter around him. He suddenly felt cold and crawled over to his coat, slipping it on, not bothering doing the buttons up, just pulling the edges close round himself as he wrapped his arms around his chest.
Abruptly he heard a harsh sound from the bathroom. Orli was throwing up, probably in the toilet. The sound came again and Elijah thought it must hurt Orli’s throat and chest; it sounded as if the very depths of his stomach were being dragged up.
Then he heard another sound, almost like a sob and he got to his feet and headed towards the living room. He sat on the arm chair nearest the window, furthest from the door, his back ram-rod straight, and stared out at the road. A few long minutes later and the security lamp came on in the room behind him, the one Orli’s mum said they should keep on a timer. Only a small light but it would make burglars think there was someone in and… Orli’s mum.
Orli.
Elijah pulled his legs up, his feet hooking onto the edge of the seat as he hugged his knees close to his chest.
Some time later and the ticking of the clock, that Elijah normally hated so much, hadn’t even registered. Neither had the growing gloom or the fire engine that he didn’t see as it raced along their street, sirens blaring, little kids waving.
Inside the flat the only sound that could be heard was that clock and the beating of Elijah’s heart. He rested his chin on his knees and thought about never moving.
+
Elijah had no real idea how long he sat like that but from the ache in his back, he could guess it must be hours. Then there was the small slight click of a noise that heralded the unlocking of the bathroom door.
It didn’t open.
Elijah didn’t move.
Ten, fifteen, who knew how many minuets, later there was another faint sound and he knew Orli was coming out.
He still couldn’t think of a reason to move.
Orli hesitated in the doorway, his presence felt more as a darkening of the space than anything else, then he moved to perch on the edge of the sofa, his knees primly pressed together, his hands squeezed between them almost in the position of a prayer.
Elijah tilted his head, laying his cheek on his knees.
"Elijah I…" Orli stopped then started again. "I don’t know what to say."
"Is that my problem?" Elijah asked softly, his voice curiously flat.
Orli sucked in a breath. "I know you can never believe this but I’m sorry, really sorry. I…"
"Don’t tell me what I can believe," Elijah interrupted. "That’s up to me."
"I’m sorry. Again. For saying that and… I’m sorry for everything. It’s just so hard to know what to say."
"And I’m supposed to make it easy for you?"
"No. I didn’t mean that," Orli bit at his lip and thought carefully about his words. "I’m truly sorry and I know there’s nothing I can do to make it right but, do you want me to take you to the hospital or," he hesitated again then went on determined. "Or do you want to go to the police?"
"What?" Elijah lifted his head and looked over for the first time. Orli flinched, recoiling away from the marks on his face. "Don’t go all melodramatic on me, not now."
"But, are you badly hurt? Do you need a doctor?"
"Christ Orli, remember who you’re talking to," scorn flickered across Elijah’s face. The first emotion Orli had seen since he entered the room. "I can take a bit of rough."
Orli pressed his lips together so hard they turned white, the edges blurring into his skin. "Do you want to call the police?" he had to ask.
"Why?" Elijah didn’t move, staring straight at Orli.
"Because I raped you." The word felt like it stuck to Orli’s tongue, then filled the space between them when he forced it out.
"Why do you do that? What do you always have to make everything so over the top and dramatic all the time?"
"Because I..." Orli’s voice wavered scarily.
"Raped me? No you didn’t," Elijah interrupted. "If I’d have wanted you to stop, believe me I’d have made you. A well aimed kick or a few carefully chosen words and you’d have been on your knees. You don’t think I’ve survived this long without learning how to take care of myself, do you?"
"But I forced you. I held you down and…" Orli couldn’t conceal the cracks anymore as his voice started to splinter.
"No you didn’t," Elijah snorted, more scorn dripped from every word under his direct, unflinching gaze. "I let you."
"Why?" An incredulous whisper.
Elijah shrugged. "Because it was easier."
"But that’s worse!"
"No. You know what’s worse? That it was you. That I would have to make that decision with you. I never thought I’d have to do that." Elijah rested his cheek back on his knees, his face towards Orli, his voice flat again.
"Oh God," Orli crumpled, his back curling under the weight, his head dropping. "I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what else to say." He slid to his knees in front of Elijah, his eyes filling.
"What do you want me to do Orlando? Say it’s all right, that I don’t mind. You want me to comfort you and make it easy?"
"No," Orli sat back on his heels, a hand rubbing at his face. "I don’t want you to make it easy. This is all my fault, I…" That word again, sticking in his throat this time. His face tightened and he bit at his lip trying to hold the emotion back.
Elijah looked at him intently, eyes sharp and unflinching. "Understand something once and for all, you didn’t rape me, I let you go rough," his voice was soft but also flat and harsh. "And it wasn’t even that rough. I’ve had a lot worse, from you as well as other people."
Orli’s eyes opened wide in horror.
"Oh come on Orli, you know we like to go hard occasionally. You’ve hurt me, I’ve hurt you, but it didn’t matter because it was all right, it was about us. This wasn’t all right, this was," Elijah shook his head. "I don’t know what this was about, I don’t understand why."
"Neither do I," Orli rubbed the heels of both hands over his eyes then up through his hair, leaving it sticking up at odd angles. "I can’t explain it, even to myself."
"Well try."
Orli raised his head at the uncompromising words. "Okay," he looked away for a moment trying to organise his thoughts and feelings from the whole evening. "I was so worried about you, I couldn’t think about anything else all day. You’ve been so wound up about university and then this morning, I’ve never seen you so scared."
Elijah wanted to scream, ‘how did worrying about me cause that,’ but he let Orli talk.
"I wanted to help, you know, be supportive. I texted you about a million times but you never answered. So I started ringing but all I ever got was that bloody recorded message and I got more and more worried." He looked at Elijah. "Why didn’t you answer me? What were you doing that was so much more important?" And now Orli could feel the emotions of earlier as his hands began to tighten into fists.
Elijah slowly turned his head towards the blank television and Orli followed is gaze. On top, in clear view, was Elijah’s mobile phone. Orli had been in and out of this room countless times since he’d got home from work.
"I forgot it," Elijah said simply.
"Christ," Orli could feel his face tighten again. "I’m sorry, I didn’t think. I couldn’t contact you and I came home and you weren’t here and I thought you’d be back and," the words were tumbling out now in an uncontrolled rush. "I was going to make you feel better, only you weren’t here and I waited and waited but you still didn’t come. Then I started imagining all these things you were doing, all these new, young, interesting people you were meeting, who were all fun and without the crap I come with."
He looked over at Elijah, his eyes wide. "And girls. You’d be meeting girls with their giggles and their tits and all the things I can’t give you. You’ve gone so long without a girl and I could imagine you doing things with them, see it in my head, and I was so fucking jealous. But it still wasn’t real. Then you came home and you smelt of someone else. And it was a woman’s smell and, although I knew this would happen, I couldn’t handle it. Just the thought of you with someone else… and I wanted you back. I wanted to make you mine again."
Elijah sat up in the chair, his back straight, as he fixed Orli with an unswerving gaze. "Do you think I did it? With some girl or a bloke or anyone. Do you think, right now, right this second, that I fucked with someone else?"
Orli looked at Elijah’s impassive, perfect, beautiful face, and couldn’t imagine how anyone in the world wouldn’t want him.
"No. I know you didn’t," Orli sagged back onto the floor. He did know, deep down inside him he was absolutely certain that Elijah hadn’t been with anyone else.
"So this whole thing has been for nothing. You worked yourself up into a right state all for nothing."
"I know," Orli closed his eyes unable to look at Elijah. "I’m sorry."
"So am I," Elijah said softly.
Orli sucked in a huge breath and slowly clambered to his feet. "There’s nothing I can do to make it up to you but… I’ll go to my mum’s now. I’ll come back later for my stuff."
"You’re leaving?"
"Don’t worry," Orli glanced at him quickly. "The flat’s yours, I’ll find somewhere else."
"You’re leaving because of this?" Elijah dropped his feet to the floor. "Fuck Orli, here you go again with the melodramatic crap. You don’t think this is a bit over the top?"
"How can I stay when I… when I hurt you," He waved a hand towards Elijah’s marked face. "How could you want me to?"
"Don’t I get a say in this? Or is another example of ‘Orli knows best.’"
"But you must hate me, you must feel so betrayed and…"
"Stop telling me how I should feel. I’m not some soap opera character who freaks when things get a little rough. You want to know how I feel?" He stared straight at Orli. "It feels like now I’m being punished."
"You’re not being punished! You didn’t do anything wrong."
"I know, but it feels like you’re punishing me by leaving because I didn’t say, ‘there, there it’s all right,’ and pat your back afterwards."
"Christ, I never expected you to."
"No, but you hoped I would. Well, it wasn’t all right Orli, but it also wasn’t the end of the world."
"I didn’t… It wasn’t…" Orli stood open mouthed, not knowing what to say.
"I didn’t do anything wrong and I won’t be punished for it. I also won’t let you over react again," Elijah sat back down, pulling his coat around himself and hooking a leg up under him. "This is my call and we do what I want." He looked up at Orli. "You can start by sittings down and not looking like you’re about to cry."
Orli sat. "I wasn’t gonna cry."
"Good, we don’t need that now."
"So what do we do?" Orli asked after a long pause.
"Fuck knows."
"Do you want something to eat? A drink? A bath?"
Elijah shook his head wrapping his arms over the top of the bulky coat. "I want..." he shrugged, his finger going up to the bruise on his face. "I want things like they were before."
"But…"
"Shut up," Elijah wouldn’t let Orli speak. "They will be, in time. I just have to, I don’t know, catch up a bit. I knew you said you were jealous but I never really believed you. I mean, look at you, you’re fucking gorgeous. What’s to be jealous about?"
"I…" Orli tried again.
"I said shut up. I need to think," he bit at a nail, tearing tiny strips of skin from his cuticle as Orli wished he wouldn’t. "You have everything going for you; you’re beautiful, you’re nice, you’re funny, you’ve got style – just the way a pair of jeans hang on your hips for god’s sake – you’re intelligent, you’ve got an amazing arse and yet," he shook his head, wondering. "You act and talk as though it’s all nothing, as though I’m all that’s important. You really are jealous but it’s more than that, you sounded…" he searched around for the right word. "Scared, you sounded really scared that I’d fucked someone else."
"Can I speak now?" Orli asked quietly.
"Suppose so," Elijah glanced at him, his eyes softer. "As long as you don’t over react again or say anything crap."
Orli almost smiled. "I am scared. I’m deep down terrified but not that you fucked someone else."
That caught Elijah’s attention and his head twisted round to stare.
"I’m scared shitless that I won’t be enough for you and that you’ll leave," he shrugged. "Then I’ll be alone again and, that might have been manageable when I was half asleep after Shane died, but not now. You woke me up and I can’t bear the thought of being alone and I can’t bear – no, you shut up and listen for a minute. And don’t freak out when I say this," he added when Elijah tried to interrupt again. "I can’t bear the thought of not having you, of you not always coming home to me and truly being mine. I get all pathetic and… it actually hurts, real physical pain, when I imagine what it would be like. I never meant to, but I’ve opened myself up so wide to you and I’m scared about that because I can get hurt so easily now. Just the thought that you might go… I can’t stand it."
"I’m not going anywhere. Why would I?"
"Because you deserve more, everything."
"Oh shut up," Elijah dismissed him. He waved a hand towards the window. "Out there I’ve never had anything but crap. No relationship, no friends, nothing good or decent or honest. In here I’ve found things I never even knew existed and it’s all been good. I’ve found love and a lover and… a friend. My best friend. The only friend I want. I’m not going anywhere," he said again. "Why can’t you believe that?"
"Because I have so much to lose. Because I never get to be happy for long."
"Christ Orli," Elijah exclaimed desperately. "We truly are a pair of emotional cripples."
Orli nodded and his ironic smile made it all the way this time.
"I think…" and Elijah was working it out as he went along. "We have to remember we’re cripples all the time from now on. I’m not having that again," He waved at the hall this time.
"You won’t, I promise I…"
"Shhh." At least Elijah didn’t tell him to shut up this time. "We have to make allowances for each other, do stuff to… reassure each other."
Orli nodded once more.
"I guess it would help if I didn’t forget my phone."
"But you shouldn’t have to," Orli said passionately. "You shouldn’t have to explain yourself to me all the time, you’re free to do what you want."
"I’ve always done what I wanted, without thinking about anyone else but I don’t want that anymore. I want you to care what I do, where I go, who I’m with. I won’t let you take it that far again but I need you to care." Elijah didn’t actually smile but his whole face softened. "I want to explain to you."
"You don’t have to but," Orli shrugged. "I’d like to know where you were."
Elijah pulled his legs up onto the chair, hugging his knees in close. "I went to uni and it was just like I thought it would be. There were all these people, they all knew each other and they were all so familiar with each other, touching and kissing and… I can’t do that; the friendly pat on the back, the manly hug. It always means something else, leads to something else. And then they noticed me and started looking; eyeing me up, checking me out. I know the reaction I get and there it was, right on cue. They came over being all nice and friendly, girls and blokes, and a couple of the blokes aren’t quite sure but they can’t help looking. And I know just how easy it’d be to get them, all of them. Even the ones that would swear to the Virgin Mary that they were straight"
He rested his cheek back on top of his knees. "And then there’s a hand on my arm, another in the small of my back, I don’t know who they belong to but I know what they want. Then, there they come, just as expected, the A-listers. You know the ones, the in-crowd, the ones all the others either want to be or be near. Here they come to check out the new guy and, oh look there’s a surprise, they like, they want. I’m going to be allowed in, only there’s a price and I don’t want to pay it anymore."
"And I don’t know what I’m expected to do now so I run off and hide. I sit at the back of the lecture theatre, eat my sandwich in the toilet, find a little corner between the aisles in the library till it’s time for the afternoon seminar. Nine of us with the lecturer, not enough to hide in and, guess what, she’s noticed too. Before, I’d have fucked her before the others were out of the building, and not even thought about it. But I don’t want to, not now. I really don’t want to and I have no idea how else to behave with her."
"So I run. Soon as she says, ‘Next week we’ll meet at…’ I’m out of the door and literally running. I don’t stop for ages and it’s only then that it dawns on me that I have no idea where I am, where the university is or how to get home. I walk around for a bit and then realise I’m near where Eileen lives," he sounded genuinely surprised.
"She was nice, I thought, and easy to talk to and… she’s Shane’s mum. She isn’t interested in me, she’s still too sad about her son. So I head there and she’s in and she actually seems to be pleased to see me and… You don’t mind do you?" He lifted his head, looking at Orli for the first time in a long time.
"Mind? What you going to see Eileen? Of course I don’t mind. But…" Orli stopped for a moment, thinking. "Lily of the Valley," he said quietly.
"What?"
"Lily of the Valley, it’s a perfume, Eileen has always worn it. It’s what you smelled of when you came in. I… I should have known."
"You can’t be expected to remember a smell and then work out where it came from."
"But I should have asked."
"Yeah, you should have," Elijah ducked his head. "She does smell of it though, the whole house is pervaded by it."
"Elijah, I’m glad you went there, glad you felt comfortable with Eileen but you need new things, positive things in your life, not to talk about me and my old boyfriend."
"We didn’t actually," and Elijah almost grinned; a soft, sheepish sort of curling of the lips. "We talked about art mostly, she’s got some copies of the old masters up on the walls. Terrible frames but I like the paintings. And we talked about Eastenders and cookery shows on the telly and how you make traditional cakes. She’s going to make me a Madeira cake, if I go again." He looked over, uncertain. "Do you think I should, go again?"
"Do you want to?"
Elijah thought about it. "Yeah. I liked it there, I felt… comfortable."
"The house is a bit old fashioned. Eileen was old before she had Shane, she must be nearly seventy by now and the place was always a bit… I don’t know."
"Shabby?" Elijah grinned again. "It’s shabby but in a nice, loved way. It’s like she hasn’t changed anything for years, just cleaned it till it’s falling apart."
"That sounds about right," Orli warmed at the memory. "But you need people your own age, friends."
Elijah shook his head. "Told you enough times, I don’t do friends, and today just confirmed it."
"But you need someone to talk to, someone other than me."
Elijah carried on shaking his head. "It’s not gonna happen, I can’t do it. Anyway I never had anyone before and now I have you and," his face suddenly lit up. "Now I have Eileen as well. I can talk to her, I don’t have to explain things. She knows what you’re like and, because of Shane, she’s okay with our being gay and, it’s daft but, we suit each other."
"She wants someone to take care of," Orli said thoughtfully. "Shane’s dad, George, died about ten years ago and then when he died as well she tried to take care of me. I couldn’t let her after a while, she reminded me too much of him, so I didn’t see her as much. I know she has church groups and the Women’s Institute but I guess she’s lonely."
"She wants someone to make cakes for," Elijah smiled. "And I’m always hungry."
"The perfect match," Orli smiled back. "Just don’t leave me for her."
Both their smiles faded. "Orlando, I like her and I like it there. It’s warm and I feel safe, it’s the only other place I feel safe, but I’m never going to leave you. If we split up it’ll be because you go."
"I’m never going to leave," Orli couldn’t hide the tremble in his voice.
"Then I guess we’re stuck with each other."
"I’m glad and I’m sorry."
"Don’t keep saying that," Elijah said. "You said it and I heard you. It’s enough now."
"But you felt safe here and I did that, here of all places."
"I still feel safe," Elijah turned in his chair, putting his feet back on the floor and leaning forward so his face was close to Orli’s. "And I did out in the hall. If I’d have really fought you, really said no, you’d have stopped."
"I don’t know, I was so out of control. I…"
"Orli, right now you might not know but I do. You wouldn’t hurt me, not really and you have to believe the opinion of someone whose life’s depended on knowing when he was safe. Almost everything you’ve done since I’ve known you has been about protecting me. No matter how jealous you get, that isn’t going to change."
Orli’s eyes widened, wanting to trust him, wanting to believe.
"But you put me back there, back to making that decision, and, no matter how sure I was, I hated thinking in the old way, especially with you. That’s what I have to get past."
"Then I’m sorry for doing that to you and I promise you it’ll never happen again."
"You’re dead right it won’t," Elijah said, his face impassive. "I won’t let it. But now we move on we and don’t let it spoil what we have."
"Are you sure?"
Elijah nodded slowly. "We’ll get there, eventually, we’ll be all right. Let’s face it, we both have too much to lose."
"Thank you," Orli said solemnly. He paused, then asked, "What do you want to do now?"
Elijah closed his eyes for a moment, opening them again with a sigh. "I want to go to bed and sleep without thinking about today or going back tomorrow."
"Jesus, you’ve had a shit day, what with uni and then me and," Orli watched as Elijah sighed and sunk back into the chair. "Come on, go to bed. Do you want me to get you anything?"
Elijah shook his head, getting up and shuffling towards the door. "I just want to sleep, I can’t even be bothered to clean my teeth."
Orli wanted to protest, Elijah always cleaned his teeth at night no matter how tired he was, but he knew better. "Okay, let me just get the spare pillow and I’ll get out of your way."
"What?" Elijah stopped in the middle of the room.
"I’ll sleep in your old room tonight, it’s best."
Elijah visibly sagged. "Orli," even his voice sounded weary. "Don’t say any more, don’t throw another hissy fit, just come to bed."
"But that’s not right, not after how I behaved."
"Orlando," he was firmer. "I haven’t done anything wrong and you owe me one. I won’t call you on it again but for now, shut up and do as you’re told."
Orli opened his mouth but caught sight of Elijah’s weary face and closed it again. He headed towards the bedroom.
Elijah sighed, switched off the light, and followed him.
In the bedroom Orli stripped down to his boxers, slipped on his old sleeping t shirt and climbed into bed whilst Elijah just stood, watching. When Orli was settled Elijah walked over to his own side of the bed and hesitated for a moment. He kicked off his trainers and wriggled out of his jeans, all without removing his coat.
It was only at the last moment, after he’d pulled back the duvet, that he slipped the coat off, getting into bed with his shirt still buttoned. Then he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, as Orli turned off the bedside lamp.
There was a clear gap between them and Orli didn’t know what to do about it. He was just thinking about reaching out to touch Elijah when the chance was taken from him. Elijah rolled onto his side, his back towards Orli, and tucked the duvet around himself.
It was Orli’s turn to stare up towards the ceiling.
+
Elijah woke in the dark hours of the night to a muffled sound. It took him a while to realise that it was Orli, softly crying. He turned over onto his stomach, scrunched up his pillow, and tried to go back to sleep.
When he woke again sometime later the noise had stopped but he knew Orli was still awake. He twisted round, turning more onto his side, facing Orli. He stretched out a hand towards Orli’s and linked their fingers loosely together.
This time he slept clear through till morning.
+
Orli wasn’t in bed when Elijah’s alarm went off. He groaned quietly, rubbed his eyes, flipped the switch and climbed out of bed. He stood for a long moment and looked at his coat, dumped on the chair, before dismissing it and moving off to find coffee or the toilet. He couldn’t decide which need was most urgent.
He was half way down the hall when Orli appeared, his hand caught on the bathroom door frame.
"Oh, you’re up. I was going to bring you breakfast in bed."
"You don’t have to do that." Elijah scratched his belly.
"I know, I just thought…" Orli shrugged. "I ran you a bath," he said quickly as Elijah started to walk towards the kitchen. "That’s if you want one."
Elijah looked back over his shoulder. "Has it got bubbles?"
"Yeah."
"Lots of them?"
"I must have put half a bottle in, you can’t see the water."
Elijah glanced back at the kitchen. "Will you bring me a cup of coffee?"
"Might even do you a couple of rounds of toast."
"You’re on then," Elijah smiled, undoing the buttons on his shirt as he brushed past Orli.
Orli hesitated for a moment before deciding to stay and watch as Elijah undressed. He wanted to see; to see what he’d done.
It was worse than he thought.
Elijah stood and very deliberately stripped off his clothes, his eyes all the time on Orli’s face. The dark finger shaped bruise overlaid with a rash of carpet burn on his cheek and the still swollen bottom lip Orli knew about. He was also expecting the numerous bite marks around Elijah’s neck, but their severity still shocked him.
He wasn’t prepared for more finger shaped marks on Elijah’s arms, and he caught an involuntary breath. It stuck in his chest at the sight of the deep angry red scratches on the back of Elijah’s hips, dried blood caught along each line. The catalogue went on and on, ending with a long zip scratch across Elijah’s thigh.
Elijah stood, his hands at his sides, and let Orli see them all, back and front, before he climbed into the bath.
"Can I have chocolate spread?" He asked, lying back gingerly.
"What?"
"Can I have chocolate spread, on my toast?" He looked up at Orli, his eyes warm. "Please."
"You can have whatever you want," Orli croaked and escaped to the kitchen.
Orli stood for a long moment with his forehead pressed against the coolness of the kitchen cupboards, his eyes shut. Then, with a real effort, he heaved himself up, flicked on the kettle and started making toast.
+
Getting out of the bath Elijah stopped and looked at himself appraisingly in the mirror. There was nothing too bad and none of it hurt. Well apart from the deep scratches on his hip, those had smarted when he got into the hot water and he knew from experience his clothes would rub on them. But he’d had worse, a lot worse.
The marks on his body he didn’t mind, they would all be covered up, it was his face that was more of a problem. He moved closer to the mirror. His lip was going down nicely, a packet of frozen peas on that for half an hour and no one would notice, but he’d have more trouble with his cheek. He prodded at the bruises. It hurt if you did that.
Best not to do it then. He turned away and wrapped himself in a couple of towels and pulled the plug out of the bath. With a bit of luck, if he kept his head down, no one would ask about it.
Not a great way to start your second day at university.
He scooped up his dirty clothes and dumped them in the washing basket. His finger caught on the ripped neck of his shirt, shame he liked that one. He rolled it into a ball and threw it in the rubbish bin before padding back to the bedroom and starting to hunt around for something clean.
"’Lijah I…" Orli stopped. That seemed to be becoming a habit with him, starting sentences he couldn’t finish. He was stood at the end of the bed, watching, as Elijah sorted through the underwear and socks drawer.
Elijah stood up, a pair of white boxers in his hand.
White boxers. Orli was sure he’d worn them last but that was the great thing about the two of them; they shared socks, t shirts and even underwear. A lot of Elijah’s clothes had been really cheap and tatty and Orli had been only too happy to slowly, secretly get rid of them. Not that he really thought it was a secret but he liked sharing, he’d never really done it with Shane, certainly not underwear, and Elijah did have some amazingly stupid boxers that when Orli wore them… stop thinking rubbish and say what you meant to say.
"I’ve got some cream, it’s antiseptic," Orli looked at the tube in his hand and then held it up. "It’s meant to soothe things as well."
"I don’t need it."
"Oh," Orli looked crestfallen. "Okay, I just…"
Elijah sat on the edge of the bed. "I’m all right, really."
"I know. You said," Orli turned away. He could feel his face tighten and his eyes prickle. If he got tears in his eyes now he’d fucking slit his wrists. "Stupid idea."
"Orlando," Elijah’s voice was soft. "Maybe I could do with just a little."
Orli turned back, a ridiculously childish grin on his face, and Elijah smiled with him.
For a minute it was almost awkward and them Orli moved closer, squirting out a little cream onto his finger. "It kills all known germs so you shouldn’t get sick and I warmed it up first, I stuck it down my shirt so it’ll be body temperature and…"
"Orli," Elijah interrupted. "You don’t have to do this."
Orli’s face fell again.
"What I mean is, do this now and then that’s enough. No more running me baths and making me breakfast. Stop being so nice," his face lit up suddenly and he laughed out loud. "I don’t mean that either. You can be nice all you like, but be normal nice, don’t treat me like I’m sick or like you feel guilty. I want to get back to us, to how it was before and that won’t help. Okay?" He cocked his head to one side.
Orli nodded and pressed his lips together tight before reaching out to smear a little cream across the worst bite on Elijah’s throat. Slowly, carefully, he covered each one, rubbing it in till there was nothing but a gleam of shininess left. Next he worked on the bruise on Elijah’s cheek, running his thumb over and over the bone in a touch so soft that Elijah couldn’t help but feel the emotion behind it.
Orli squeezed out more for the finger marks on Elijah’s arms. Again he treated each one carefully and thoroughly before he untucked the towel from Elijah’s waist, knelt between his knees and dealt with the fading mark on his thigh. Then he looked up at Elijah, "Turn round."
Elijah stood, the towel falling to the floor, and turned.
The scratches where Orli had clawed Elijah’s clothes away stood out stark and garish on his pale flesh. The skin was curled up into little balls at the end of each graze or missing completely. Orli felt his face flush then drain of colour as he thought of what he’d found under his nails in the shower that morning. He froze, his hand clenching on the tube of cream.
"Come on, don’t forget to rub it in," Elijah said gently after the silence grew too long.
Orli straightened his back and spread the cream. Elijah made sure he didn’t flinch.
"That’s good," Elijah said, reaching for where his boxers lay on the bed. Orli caught him with a hand on his hip. At first the grip was tight until Orli deliberately, consciously, relaxed it, uncurling his fingers so they stroked at Elijah’s shin.
"Wait a minute," Orli said applying more cream to the tip of is finger. He suddenly bobbed his head forward, planting a soft, chaste kiss in the small of Elijah’s back as his hand moved down and around.
Careful to avoid the scratches, he pulled Elijah’s cheeks apart, running his finger into the gap. Elijah turned his head at the sudden sensation. "Orlando?"
"Shss," Orli quieted him. "I want to say sorry to everywhere I hurt."
"Oh," he twisted back as a soft finger stroked over him and then, tentatively, just inside, spreading the cream. "I’m not sore there."
"Doesn’t matter." The finger rubbed and gentled. "I hurt it."
Elijah stilled and gave Orli what he wanted.
+
Feedback would be nice