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Jesus, where does the time go?

I haven’t had anytime to post at all. It’s been a big week of fights, plans, bullshit, and a little drinking in between.

Our show, Shortbus Pioneers , is supposed to be off the ground and should be done by now, but the computers there at SPC are fucked up, and the tech is having problems at getting everything fixed. He told me on Monday that everything would be back to normal by Friday at the latest. He said he was hoping to get it all fixed by Wednesday and that he’d call me when it was fixed. Well, today is Friday, and I went by SPC today to see if the shit was fixed…of course not. Argh!!!!! Just my luck.

Before I went to SPC, I had to go to a conference with my English teacher. I’m a junior, and I’m taking a freshman course, cos I’ve been putting it off for so long…heh. Anyway, we’re doing these satire papers in Comp II and she wanted to have conferences with all of us to talk about our papers. We talked for a little while about my paper, but she said there wasn’t much to fix because I really shouldn’t be in that class…I write too well for a freshman, she said. I told I wasn’t a freshman, and she was surprised. Apparently, I look like a freshman, my young, ravishing good looks still intact. Then we just bullshitted for a while.

She is a grad student who teaches freshman courses as a TA or whatever. She has to work at Subway in the student center every night just to make ends meat. I wish she could get paid, cos she’s a really good teacher with good insights on how to make you write better, and I’m sure with 40 papers to grade, working at Subway every night from 3 to 9 doesn’t help her be a better teacher.

That got me to thinking about what the TA’s actually get. Do they get paid, or do they get lowered tuition costs? I’ll have to ask her I guess, but it’s pretty sad that they would at least give free tuition if you’re teaching a whole freshman course.

Plus, she has to share an office with 4 other TA’s. That sucks too…although it was cool when I walked in and this guy that I’d seen at shows down here (the few that there are) is sharing her office, and he said he liked my Rainer Maria pin. It’s always nice to have a common interest with a teacher.

Yeah, that last post was pretty depressing, but what can I say???

It's been pretty crazy lately here in GrillBurn land. Thursday, I went over to the Wal-Mart to buy some glasses to break for my film. I had to end up going to K-Mart instead, cos Wally world didn't have what I needed. And K-Mart had 6 in a package, and I only needed two, so I had a couple left over.

I went over to this guy's house that is in my film class later that afternoon. I was gonna use his camera because he has a pretty nice one that does slow motion real nice. I had to shoot a slow mo shot of a glass falling and breaking. I'm hoping it turns out...

Then, I go home...Ryan tells me we're gonna be drinking tonight, so I looked forward to that. Fast forward to pre-drinking time...we're all goofing around in my room...me Ferg, ferg's rommate Ray, Clint, Ryan, and Angie, Ryan's girlfriend...so anyway, Ray's telling me to kcik Ferg for something he said, so I kick him, while leaning back in my chair...Ferg flips out, grabs my leg and throws me back, my chair flass, I land on it's side, breaking one of the arms, bending the screws and breaking the plastic, so I flip out, cos my chair is new, and I rip the arm off the rest of the way, then throw it down right in front of Ferg. It bounces up, almost hits Ray in the face, then Ryan gets mad and says "Why don't we just break everything!" and takes a ceramic bowl, and throws it to the ground, breaking it. So I'm like, "Fine!" and I kick the box of the remaining four glasses and break them. Needless to say, it was pretty crazy. I only ended up breaking one of the four glasses to my surprise, though...

So after all that, this tension is built up. We used it creatively and finished filming a skit for our show, Shortbus Pioneers and all seems well. Then, we get pretty drunk and start hanging out in the end hall study lounge. Clint walks in as these kids walk by and yells "Hey homey, I'm gonna fuck you up!" The kids keep walking, then they stop and turn around. They open the door, cos it was open a crack anyway, and start picking a "pre-fight"...you know, talking to each other kind of politely with that tension in the air...then Ryan walks in. Then the guy at the door starts asking who yelled at him, and if they have a problem...enter "fight" time...Ryan snaps and says shit like, "Get out of here you stupid fuck!" and "You don't come up to my building and start picking fights with my friends and expect not to get fucked up!!" and all this...it was pretty funny. For some reason, the dude would come in the building, but it was probably because there was about 6 of us and 2 of them. That, and the fact that I was standing between them, trying to calm them down and get them to walk away. The guy flips and starts yelling like a pro wrestler, asking Ryan to come outside and shit, so I just shut the door. The dude starts yelling at us through the window, and his friend just pulls him away. And Angie pulls Ryan away, and they fight for a while...good fun. Luckily, that ended okay...

Then, to Friday. Class and Nintendo...that's about it...then we edited and went to Ferg's to drink...he was depressed, and no one knows why...most likely cos he hasn't blogged!!!

Then, at about 5 this morning, about 20 gangster and gangsterettes were outside my fucking window screaming for about 20 minutes...argh!!!!

I hate my life and want to die.

That's how I've been feeling recently. I just can't muster the strength to do anything lately, especially blog.

I was a little perked up, though, as my friend Wes turned me onto a new site that I'd heard of but never actually visited...the modern humorist. It's pretty funny, and it put me into a good, cynical, sarcastic mood...one that I often have and like to be in. But the past 2 days, I've not been in that mood at all. Finally, I'm getting back to it.

I need a girlfriend. I've given up on acting confident...I'm leaning more towards desperate now...

racecar spelled backwards is racecar...but I'm sure you already knew that.

Given my current single state, I am now accepting applications for the position of my girlfriend. You must be single, attractive, and between the ages of 18 and 23. That's about it, really...heh.

I haven't had a good conversation on AIM lately...someone talk to me...

I'm going to bed...maybe actually going to English tomorrow with that crop of Freshman idiots will boost my confidence...hey, stranger things have happened.

Out...

I've got this editing system up and running, and now it's down and annoying. basically it involves this: Adobe Premiere 6.0, an ATI All-In-Wonder 128 Pro video capture card, and my Hi8 camera. And it's given me 72 hours of hell. Just when I think I know enough about computers to be able to set up anything, something else comes along and just perplexes me. I can't get the capture card to work with Premiere, so I have to capture the video and audio with the ATI Digital VCR program...argh!!!!!! Just forget it...you don't care anyway...heh.

So I went over to my friend Rebecca's apartment yesterday, and we just hung out listening to music and shit...I really got back into Pavement's "Slanted and Enchanted" because she played it. I hadn't listened to that in a couple years, and it's amazing how good and fresh it still sounds. Needless to say, I'm getting back into all my old Pavement albums and singles.

We decided to read tarot cards. She had a book that had some answers of certain card combinations and how to read for different questions. We read about what we were gonna be when we grow up. I was destined to follow in my family's footsteps, meaning working at the factory that my father and uncle and many other relatives work at...ouch. Don't get me wrong, my uncle owns it and all my family has office jobs, but still...yuk. And everything she read about my future job involved something that could or does deal with that damn factory.

Then, we read about our life's purpose. There was three cards that showed how your past determined your present, and how the two present cards determined the future. Well, it seems that right now, I am apparently living out a fantasy as a film major. I will figure this out, and then make a living out of office work at a factory. God, this saddens me. This really depressed me. I was sitting there, drowning in sorrow, thinking that I might as well give it up and start work at the factory now.

Then, we read about what type of fool we were. It was determined, through my birthday, that my card determined what kind of fool I was. I am a fool who reads too much into things of spiritual nature, such as psychics and seers and tarot cards. Gosh. How true. I was just letting this tarot getting to me. I won't be a factory office pencil pusher. I'll be what I want, tarot be damned.

But wait...the tarot told me that I was like that. And if I do believe it, I'm being the fool that it told me I was. And if I don't believe it, than why should I be reading in the first place.

What a fucking paradox.

Here I am, sitting at home during spring break. While everyone else is doing cool things like going to Florida, going to rock shows, going to sxsw, I'm sitting here, doing nothing. I've got so much stuff to do this week, but I don't really want to do it. I've got a film to shoot this week, and I don't feel like doing it. Film seems so final. With video I can tape over or use more cheap video if I fuck up. With film, I have a certain amount of expensive film stock, and if I fuck up, or my actors fuck up, it's final. And if my actors fuck up, it's my fault, because I'm the director, and I'm supposed to make sure they do it right...I'm pulling my hair out just thinking about it.

I just can't seem to be ready for it. I can prepare and prepare, but I never feel ready. This seems to be a metaphor for growing up, for me at least.

I don't wanna be what is commonly called a "grown-up". I wanna be in school and hang out and shoot stupid videos with my friends. I wanna just generally be a young adult all of my life. i wish I could rewind and tape over some of the things I've done in the past. I've been reflecting alot recently, thinking about how my life could be different if I would've just done this, or done that, done things differently. If I would've been more of a "go-getter" or more ambitious. I guess I'm kind of being ambitious, being a film major and all. Some kids want to do something with the arts or cinema for the rest of their lives and get scared and choose business or management or something. i can't do that, cos I'd be miserable. But the real kicker is, i've become miserable with everything I'm doing. I've become miserable with film, just as I became miserable with Radio and TV in my first two years at the junior college I went to. The whole last year I spent there, I dreamt about how awesome it would be to go to film school, and basically stuck it out. Now I can't wait to be done with it. Why can't I find something and stick to it. To be honest, I'm surprised that I've stuck with this for as long as I have. maybe it's just because I'm not being forced to do it. I'm not being forced to write on this page every once in a while, to put my thoughts into written form and let others read it.

I think that I just can't do things that I'm forced to do. When watching a film in film history, I can't stand it. I can't stand being there and I get all flustered and I just wanna leave and the movie sucks. But if I see it on my own time, the very same movie, I'll love it. I'll want to watch it again and again and again. I don't know what it is. On my own, I've watched Magnolia about 10 times, but I know if I had to watch it in class, I'd be the first one out the door.

I think that's why I never stay in a relationship very long. I get forced into doing things that I don't want to do. Except for once. And that's the only real love I've had. I wanted to do things for her and with her. I was never forced. And that's what love is, I think. Not feeling pressured or forced to do things for a person. I just wish I could find that again.

I had to write a satire for my Comp II class today. Here's what I came up with in an hour...see if you get the penis reference...also, we had to create our own reference materials, so...

Making the Presidency:

A Reality Based Look at the Presidential Election

No two things were more popular at the end of the year 2000 than the Presidential election and reality-based television shows. The so-called “water cooler” talk was all about whether Bush or Gore should win the presidency, whether David from MTV’s The Real World was an asshole or not, and what CBS’s Survivor 2 was going to be like. We knew how the reality-based shows were going to turn out: someone would be voted off the “island” or voted out of the “house,” but no one really knew how the presidential election would end, or, for that matter, when it would end. That’s why we should combine the two, make a new reality-based television show based off of the presidential election.

It would be a huge television event. Once, every four years, the candidates would be sent to a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific, with all of their belongings taken away, except for one luxury item. The candidates would have to form two different tribes—the Donkeys and the Elephants—and would get to split the island. Then, seven beautiful, pretentious twenty-something’s with problems bigger than nuclear war would be airlifted to the island. Of course, these young adults would be strangers, and combined with their know-it-all attitudes, they would have to be coaxed by the two tribes, the Donkeys and the Elephants, to join and support their specific tribe.

Of course, one tribe would have more than the other, so a majority would be forged. The tribe with the most amount of people would have to vote one of their members off the island. The person with the most votes would lose. There would be armored guard by the ballot box, and the ballots would consist of paper. Just paper. A writing utensil would be supplied, although some may feel necessary to cast their vote in their own blood. We’d be lenient. And, in case one of the twenty-somethings happens to be an old Jewish guy in disguise, we would take into account name misspellings and incomprehensible words. The ballots would be counted twenty times by twenty different people, just to make sure the counts are accurate, because we all know counting five ballots can be tough. Soon after, a school marm from the Electoral College can come in and change everything.

After the votes are counted, which would last at least three episodes for the November sweeps period, the person voted off would have a chance to form their own tribe, called the Tree-Huggers, who would have to try to steal members of the two existing tribes, but would get no land area and have no chance to actually win the “handsome reward.”

Games would be played to gain more land. The loser of each game would have to give up a section of land to the opposing tribe. Some games would include a spelling bee, geography, words and their meanings, and make up your own phrases, a category that is just what it sounds like. Games would be played in a debate setting, with each tribe sitting on a stage on opposite sides of a podium, with each contestant approaching it one at a time to field questions given by illegal immigrants and convicted felons from Florida. One point is given for a sensible answer, two points for a correct answer, and three points for an answer that becomes a catch phrase within 30 seconds. Points are taken away for violating the game code. The game code consists of two rules. One: Do not claim that you invented anything. Two: If you in fact did invent something, see rule one.

Bill Trader of Pundit Magazine says that this show idea just may save the electoral process. “This could get young people involved in the election process, to get them to pay attention to the issues at hand and the problems that face our country.” (Trader 49) Young people could see the way the candidates act in a natural setting, how they adapt to new environments, and which one of the candidates gets the nickname “Leg Pisser” when a jellyfish stings them.

Who wouldn’t want the lovable nickname of “Leg Pisser”? The candidates should go for this whole-heartedly. They don’t have to spend money on campaigning, traveling from place to place, becoming exhausted and burnt out before they actually win the presidency. It would actually lower the stress levels of government employees as we know it, and that would be a good thing. Dr. Lawrence Matthews Pen from the medical journal, Duh, says “Stress is bad.” (Pen 15)

Lowered stress levels, higher Neilsen ratings, and youth involvement in the electoral process make the reality-based Presidential elections a good alternative to the ancient ways of past presidential elections. Besides, with broadband technologies, people all over the globe can watch stupid Americans pick the leader of the so-called “free world.”

So, that's my satirical paper....so far.

The SPC-TV 8 year show went great...I would have to say that our show was the highlight of the evening. We had the studio audience rolling in the aisles. It was cool as hell. When I get the Shortbus Pioneers website up, I think we'll have downloadable clips...so everyone should check that out when it launches...

Rebecca came down this weekend...it was pretty cool, except that we got in a fight before she left. I don't even really remember what it was about, I was half asleep when we were fighting. I remember something about her telling her sister everything we talk about, then I get made fun of for it, because her sister tells people, and all this shit. I really trust Rebecca with my feelings and thoughts, and I really don't appreciate when someone I trust breaks that bond by telling somebody something that was secret, or entrusted in them. I think that's why I got mad, but I don't really remember.

The next day, though, Rebecca sent me an email with lyrics to a song that I was singing, remembering something from my childhood. I nearly cried when I saw them...thanks.

Clint and I went out this weekend after the 8 year show. We went to an after party at the Meyers residence, which happens to be down the hall from Waggle's, our weekly party stop. So we hung out for a little while at the SPC party, then I felt bad about stealing beer, so I went down to Waggle's and bought a cup, then back down to the SPC party.

Waggle's party was fun, but it did't get packed until one am or so...it was nice to see some of the old regulars...the same 7 people playing "Quarters" on the table, the same two guys shoving their dicks in "every" girl's faces. But something was missing...and I know what it was. I didn't think about girls the whole night. I was on such a high from our show being liked at the 8 year, that all I could think about was how to make the show better, and how to get drunker. Girls came up to me all night, actually. Girls introduced theirselves to me. Girls flashed me smiles from across the room, then said hi when I crossed their paths on my way to the bathroom. Girls looked at me, then quickly turned when I caught their eye. And I think it's all due to the confidence I was given by the SPC thing. Confidence is what it's all about. I think I may have found a secret that's been evading me for years. And I know it's obvious to everyone, but it just wasn't to me...well, piss off!!!! Heh...

Tonight, I've got to go to SPC-TV for the 8 year anniversary show. The show I'm doing (along with Clint, Ferg, Wes, Ryan, and Chris) is getting a feature on the special. I'm getting interviewed and showing a 5 minute clip/featurette on the show. It's a skit-based show called "Shortbus Pioneers". Soon enough, I'll have a website up for it, or something. Right now, the show is in production, and it should be done in the middle of this month. We're influenced by other skit shows like The State, KITH, SNL, the normal ones, you know. But really, I'd like to do some Upright Citizens Brigade stuff. They're fricking awesome!

Well, Clint just called, we're heading over there, so...

One thing...I need to post more, I know...I seem to be like everyone else this time of year, reading more than I'm writing...plus, midterms are sucking about right now...