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It used to be that I would experience something,
look at something, feel something, and say "Hey, I should
blog that." or "Hey, that'd be a neat blog story."
But now it seems that nothing I experience would make a good blog
story. Nothing. I think it's the fact that all of my personal
friends know about this site, and I can't really put anything
about them on here.
Like one of my friends, for instance, is having major problems
dealing with getting kicked out of his house and he's suicidal
and way much more than I'd like to get into. And I won't get into
it, becuase I fear letting too much known about it. I'm fearing
that I'm becoming a very secretive person. I guess that's not
good for an online diary or a blog, or whatever you want to call
this.
I've contemplated taking this site down and starting anew, with
an alias, and using fake names for all my friends and people I
write about. Or maybe not. I dunno. I've even contemplated quitting
this all forever, but it wouldn't make that big of a deal to anyone,
now would it?
Maybe it's that I'm just getting depressed again about something
stupid that will blow over in a few days, or maybe I've just been
depressed all these months and I'm finally snapping out of it.
So many contradictions and complications are involved when someone
takes on a project like this. You want people to read your personal
thoughts, but you only want people to read them so they will think
you're cool. But then, you don't want to be cool, because you
want to hide from the world, and only your internet blog friends
and your AOL friends can read your stuff. You're living a double
life, one online, that is just idealized, and one based in reality
(whatever that means) that has real consequences and real problems
and real feelings. Blogs and online diaries blur these lines so
fucking much, because you blab to your online acquaintances very
personal details about your real life friends, loves, etc...
Blogs are great, wonderful, special...but they can be hurtful,
spiteful, and ruining.
Talk me out of quitting.
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