5. Ways ahead'
The growth
of men's groups in recent years has been the forum where thinking, searching
and praying through some of these issues has been done, and such groups will undoubtedly
provide the best context in which hopefully some of the ideas raised here may
be explored. Here I would like to suggest other ways in which the life of an
individual church could, or even must be further developed to enable this
process to continue.
Regendering the Church
An insight
from the constructionist approach is that 'masculinity and femininity are
inherently relational concepts…as an object of knowledge masculinity is always
masculinity-in relation.'[1] It follows that an essential stage on the journey towards
masculinity must be a renegotiation of men’s relationship with women, as it has
been formed by the tide of history. For many feminists, the essentialist
approach, however well intentioned, fails to address the legacy of patriarchy
in society and in the church. While acknowledging the impossibility of making
vast generalisations about different societies, anthropologists agree that one
constant factor is that of oppression of women by men.
If there is
to be real progress for men and women, men must see that the private self is
not something untainted by the legacy of the past, but that it has been partly
formed by power relations in society that have created injustice and
distortion. Part of men's journey is to acknowledge and take responsibility for
why things are as they are. Thus feminists suggest that it is only women who
are able to offer an adequate critique for judging the trustworthiness of any
men’s movements.
In order to
grow then, men must realise that they must let the last vestiges of patriarchy
fade away from their relationships and from within their hearts. They can no
longer afford to ignore women, without whom their masculinity has no real
meaning. They will only be able to find a truly liberating way of being men by
looking outside themselves, by making themselves attentive to the needs and
voices of women, and changing their life choices in response. This will mean
letting go of coercive, abusive and dominating behaviour - a change that may
only happen through a conscious effort. This process will involve men and women
listening to each other’s stories, hurts and fears, trying to understand the
history of the social power relationships that have caused alienation between
the genders, and finally grieving and repenting together. Being drawn together
in the community of faith faces us with this challenge, but also lends us the
opportunity. Church and family can be the place where this agenda is
consciously pursued. John Bell puts it in this way:
'..we have to establish a relationship of
mutuality in which men do not surrender authority to women and then feel hurt
or ashamed at having given away so much
but we identify in women the gift, the experience, the perspective, the skill,
which when brought into play with our attributes will change us and form a
different kind of harmony.'[2]
This harmony
can be represented as the word for 'togetherness', or 'fellowship' in the New
Testament - Koinonia. It describes a pattern of relationship characterised
by attachment, rather than separation, reaching out instead of grasping,
becoming vulnerable instead of needing to control. Only change in alliance with
women will heal men. Through the ordination of women, a growing awareness of
the importance of inclusive language, and some creative new liturgy, the Church
has begun the brave process of recognising how our theology and practice has
been gendered. This regendering needs now to affect every aspect
of our lives together, and every facet of our separate identities, and to
filter through the day by day relationships of Christians in local communities.
Deciding to
learn
In a
sociological study, Paths to Colleagueship, Carol Pierce and Bill Page
plot out a continuum which charts men and women’s behaviour and attitudes as
they change from rape and coercion all the way through to being able to
integrate masculine and feminine ways of thinking. The central point on this
journey is deciding to learn. It is only when men have decided to change
that they can become increasingly non-protective of themselves. Their insight
is that everyone must be got to this point before any other progress can be
made.[3] Thus the first job for the church is not
only to give men permission to speak, but to encourage them to do so. There
must be an active and consistent acknowledgement that this is a necessary task
within the church community.
Celebrating
difference:
I have
previously pointed out the need for men and women to share our stories - in
being offered opportunities to do so men will begin to grow. But our awareness
of ourselves as distinct can be nurtured through worship that helps us
to celebrate our diversity, as well as our unity. Worship which gives us
different, but complementary voices. Worship where we don’t merely echo one
another (in most choruses it is usually the women echoing the men!), or speak
in unison, but where we are able to speak encouragement to each other.
There are some positive signs in this area, notably the liturgy of the Iona
Community. The song, 'Shout to the
North' is another good example: 'Women: Men of faith rise up and sing / Of the great
and glorious king / You are strong when you feel weak / In your brokenness
complete….Men: Rise up women of
the truth / Stand and sing to broken hearts…' [4]
Modelling
vulnerability
Culbertson
argues that the first task for the church 'is to urge men to trust God enough
to arrive in God’s presence with an open heart.'[5]
Men, terrified of failure, need to hear God’s voice as the voice of encouragement,
which says to men, 'Do not be afraid.'[6]
They have to know fundamentally that they are accepted, that they are loved by
God in Christ, and are set free from fears of not meeting the father-God’s
expectations. On their journey they must therefore be allowed to see failure as
being success, and be set free from the need for results.
Richard Rohr
affirms the value of seeing gift as the other side of wounds. He
uses Bly’s analysis of a necessary katabasis, or 'ashes experience', to
show how it is only a willingness to accept failure that will lead men to the
heart of masculine spirituality - risk taking.[7]
For if men are committed to performing before God, or if '…we are
perfectionists or purists here we shall find ourselves cut off from all experience
of love.'[8]
Leaders in the church are in a position to give a lead in the initial
'risk-taking', to provide the initial model. It of course demands that they
themselves are beginning to walk the same path, however uncomfortable.[9]
Metaphors
and approachable archetypes
Alongside
this, a renewed emphasis in our preaching on the men in the Bible as presenting
'less of an unmeetable challenge - more an invitation to authenticity'[10]
will help men to embrace risk-taking and to trust God’s love. Mark Pryce has shown how we can view
Biblical patriarchs either as 'set in stone' or 'formed as flesh'.[11]
Can men therefore be encouraged to identify with Moses, the man who ran away in
fear, as well as Moses the 'Law Giver'?
Or to see Paul, the courageous missionary, also as the one who
experienced God’s grace as sufficient? Can we read the stories in the gospels
not just as inspiration for our discipleship, but also as memories of failure
and grace? Then there are metaphors drawn from the 'feminine', for example new
birth, little children, the kingdom as yeast in the dough, Jesus as 'mother
hen', God as 'nursing Israel' to name a few, which may lead men into new
paradigms, into an understanding that growth and risk are important.
Space to
speak
While
interaction with women remains vital, men’s groups provide a means to a good
end. If we take the idea of masculinity only existing fully in relationship to
femininity seriously, then men’s groups will never become male-bonding
exercises, or self-development groups, but mechanisms to allow men to look
outward to better relationships with women. They will enable men to discuss
their experience subjectively,[12]
rather than having to analyse it objectively.
Deborah
Tannen distinguishes between rapport talk and report talk, as
being feminine and masculine tendencies respectively. She thus affirms the way
in which men need to be able to interact with each other as men, so as not to
feel uncomfortable about their style of sharing. Many men have found such
groups to be a context where performance and competition can be left behind,
and where articulation of fears and wounds can begin to take place.[13]
Groups can
also be places where men can rediscover the missing grace of intimate
friendship. Having recognised the problems men have with intimacy, the church
must develop an appreciation of friendship between men as not being “goal” or
“activity” based, but as an arena for learning about passive receptiveness and
mutual reciprocity. For if they are unable to ask others for help, how will
they be able to ask God?
Story
Allowing men
to share subjectively affirms the value of 'bodily, experiential stuff' as
being of importance in their relationship with God. 'Theology which doesn’t engage
with human life is a bit like science which doesn’t engage with the natural
world,'[14]
and perpetuates the dualism which we have seen can alienate men. An inductive approach also affirms that the
truth of God is found in 'the depth process of human experience, rather than in
the linearity of doctrinal formulas.'[15]
This way of 'doing theology' affirms men's lives and identities as they are,
and enables them to 'live (their) way into a new way of thinking, rather than
to think (their) way into a new way of living.' It provides an accessible,
unthreatening starting point for growth. 'Most people find it difficult to
reflect, to say “This is what I think life is about.” Telling stories about
their lives is a way in to reflecting on the gospel.'[16]
Rather than being asked to articulate a series of beliefs, simply being asked
to share experience can be something all men can engage in. God becomes
authentically real to them through this liberating testimony, and by being
enabled to tell their autobiographies with a new critical awareness, they can
recognise where change is necessary.
The wisdom
of experience
'Never being welcomed into the male world by
older men is a wound in the chest.'[17]
The image of
the boy Jesus in the temple surrounded by older men speaks to us not only of
his advanced wisdom, but also of a society where young men are given a hearing,
where their “growing pains” are cushioned by the affirmation of those who have
gone there before. Boys and young men
in our day, and especially those whose own fathers may be “absent”, face a
daunting task in learning how to be men.
As a final point, therefore, I suggest that we need to explore the
untapped resources of age and accumulated wisdom among the older men in our
churches. For young men who are perhaps feeling trapped by the conventional and
dehumanising forms masculinity on offer, developing relationships with older
men may provide a way in which they can be nurtured, inspired, and find a place
to begin to tell their own unfolding stories. We are looking for men who are
able to pass on 'energy, rather than ideas.'[18]
This may be a hard task to undertake, and too high an expectation for many.
Older men may not feel, or realize, they have anything to give. But for those
who can take on such a ‘mentoring’ role, part of the value of such
relationships would not only be a journey away from the alienation of the
'generation gap', but a step towards what knowing the self, knowing others, and
knowing God as a man might mean.
[1] M Pryce, Finding a Voice (London: SCM,1996) p78.
[2] John Bell in 'Third Way', October 1996.
[3] P Culbertson, New Adam - The Future of Male Spirituality (Minneapolis: Fortress Press,1992) p127/8.
[4] Martin Smith, copyright Furious Music, 1994.
[5] P Culbertson, New Adam - The Future of Male Spirituality (Minneapolis: Fortress Press,1992) p143.
[6] M Pryce, Finding a Voice (London: SCM,1996) p31.
[7] Fr R Rohr, A Man's Approach to God, Lee Abbey tapes 1,2,3,4.
[8] J Nelson, The Intimate Connection (London: SPCK,1992) p91.
[9] 'A space-making, question asking, self-disclosing ministry of mutual vulnerability may feel strange, for it is not shaped by one-sided phallic understandings. But it is the sort of ministry that connects people and enhances their size.' ibid., p128.
[10] M Pryce, Finding a Voice (London: SCM,1996) p35.
[11] ibid., p37.
[12] Sam Keen quoted in J Nelson, The Intimate Connection (London: SPCK,1992) p51.
[13] R McCloughry, Men and Masculinity (London: Hodder and Stoughton,1992) p122.
[14] From an interview with Rev Chris Sunderland, St Luke’s, Barton Hill, April 1998.
[15] P Culbertson, New Adam - The Future of Male Spirituality (Minneapolis: Fortress Press,1992) p135.
[16] From an interview with Rev Chris Sunderland, St Luke’s, Barton Hill, April 1998.
[17] R Bly, Iron John (Shaftesbury: Element, 1990) p32.
[18] Fr R Rohr, A Man's Approach to God, Lee Abbey tapes 1,2,3,4.