At 2am, when we leave the clubs, we’re always fuckin’ hungry; but the only places open suck both my balls and my ass, in some big giant over-the-top suck fest. Jay Shannon (my guitar player) loves to eat at IHOP, which I think stands for “Ingesting Heaps Of Poop.” Not to mention that I don’t drink the outrageously priced club beer. My beer is waiting on me at home, so I want to hit a drive through and not get out of my vehicle. Holy Shit, I need food and beer, and at the same time!!! Plus, I don’t want to have to tip some one for taking a shit on my plate. And Denny’s is IHOP’s basement-gimp offspring, so that rules out those places for me. Now to the choices:
Trendy’s, or Wendy’s for the Dave Thomas sensitive folk ( I call it Trendy’s coz they are the last to pick up on a good idea…would some one clue them in on that “brand new” flavor for their Smoothies called VANILLA?) How the fuck do you not know about Vanilla?!!! My ASS is going to be wired up to SHIT Vanilla before THEY catch on. If you’re lucky enough to live by one of the few open until 3am, then you can eat something off of their dollar menu. Word to the wise, don’t be a wise-ass like me and want Mustard instead of Mayonnaise, coz you will see the biggest empty headed blank face that you’ve ever seen. “Mustard?…but…um…we’ve…got Mayonnaise.” I never tell them less than twice at the drive through to give me Mustard. I even order burgers that they advertise as having Mustard. AND THEY STILL FUCK IT UP!!! I want nothing more than to beat the shit out of these no mustard knowin’ Goat Fucks at Wendy’s. And their food is greasy anyway, so fuck it.
Wait-A-Burger (Whataburger) , coz that’s exactly what you do at this establishment. I swear to you that I have never made it through there in less then 30 minutes, regardless of how many people were in front of me. TURN YOUR FUCKING FRIERS UP!!! Why does meat cook sooo slowly in the Wait-A-Burger kitchen? “well it’s fresh. It’s made when you order it.” THAT’S NOT THE GOD DAMN POINT!!! I can make a burger faster then they can, with a smaller kitchen, less cookery and it won’t make my car smell like armpits for 3 days. And to make matters worse, their prices are so high that you might not be able to afford that kick ass GROUND cd, that you want so damn much. And it’s only $6.99 online…Fucking Whataburger.
Now that I’m pissed, I’m going to get on the case of some places that are just too big of pussies to stay up later than 10pm. Places like Kentucky Fried Chicken (yes, I purposely still call them that). You want to talk about high prices. In the name of full disclosure, let me go ahead and inform you that I have cooked for a handful of different establishments, and chicken is the cheapest per pound than any meat in America. So why is KFC marking their food up? Coz Pepsi is in business with them, that’s why. Pepsi gets it’s grubby little 3rd rate hands in the mix, prices go up and the food goes to shit. Pepsi still needs to work on their soft drink, for shit’s sake. Imagine if battery acid and laundry detergent fucked, their retarded love-baby would be Pepsi. And I’m sick of all this abbreviating: KFC, T-bell, Mickey-D’s, BK, RB’s…wait…I mean Arby’s…ok forget that last one; but you catch my meaning. It’s like, am I buying food or a Rap album? How ethnic does my burger have to get before I start ordering it like “I’ll have a bizzz-urger and frizzz-ench frizzz-eyes.” I hate it when people talk like that. Did I mention that GROUND has a song about sex? Jack-in-the-crack sounds so disgusting, it makes me not want to think of food. Why don’t they just start saying McDookies, or Booger King, or Burger Box…wait…that is one.
Pepsi fucked Taco Bell all up. I used to get 6 tacos for $2.50, then Pepsi stepped in and said “dude, what’s with all this good deal shit? We’ll just fix that.” They used to put tomatoes on their regular tacos, now you have to pay extra for it. FUCKING TOMATOES!!! Who ever heard of serving lettuce without tomatoes? That’s just wrong….wait…no…that’s just Pepsi. I used to get a good deal at Pizza Hut, but not anymore. $10 pizzas are now $14 pizzas. Guess who? That’s right, Pepsi. Tri-con to be exact (a Pepsi conglomerate, with Yum Brands…but that’s probably more than you cared to know.) Taco Bell tacos are like wet turds now. They used to be crunchy. Billy Kovacsy’s plays bass for GROUND (thought you’d like to know that.)
Speaking of Arby’s, nothing called “Horsey Sauce” is going in my mouth. Or, “Jack Sauce”. Come on, they new better than that. What was Jack In The Box thinking? And what’s with all this “secret sauce?” If it’s that much of a secret, I’m not eating it. Not that Jack/Box tacos aren’t good, but they should come with a free pack of Rolaids and prayer beads. I get so much acid going on, I’m afraid it’s going to eat through my seatbelt. Sometimes I think that the only thing on the Jack/Box menu that WON’T give me indigestion are their antenna balls.
I’ll tell you of the stupidest names ever given to a restaurant, “Good Eats” has got to be the lamest. I mean, COME ON GENTLEMEN, APPLY YOURSELVES!!!! Is that the best that they could do? I would have loved to have been in that meeting of marketing geniuses. “let’s see…‘I like food‘…um…’stick food in me’…’good eats’…‘my food for you’” “wait John, what was that one you just said?”…”Good Eats?” “Yes, that’s it. ‘Good Eats’. I guess we aren’t complete waists of human tissue.” I swear that dumb ass name is on par with turning your Laundry-Mat sign upside down. Some one making a lot more money than you or I, came up with those fucking retarded ideas. I guarantee you, it wasn’t Cameron White, who plays drums for GROUND.
Here’s something else that pisses me off, I should not have to ask for napkins, straws, or Ketchup. I don’t care how much of a fraction of a penny is wasted on unused condiments. Put them in my bag before I mercilessly ass rape you in front of your employees. Don’t make me show you, how uncool you look pulling up your Wendy’s issued trousers over your freshly invaded shitter. All you have to do is quit being a cheap prick about things. Tight asses are good for one thing…FUCKING. So start acting right. See how mad you’re getting me? I’m starting to hear those voices again....Oh yeah, I forgot to mention; something else that pisses me off, is when you finaly come up with a product that's worth a shit, KEEP IT! Why the hell is the McRib only here for a limited time? Is Mcdonald's affraid of ruining their "everything tastes like shit" record? Did some one in their front office say "We better not keep this around too long or our customers will start EXPECTING good food" ? The McRib just goes to show you how much everything else on their menu tastes like it should have been flushed.
Speaking of ignorance, the fast food industry has gotten so catering to the uneducated that it’s cash registers have pictures instead of words or letters. God forbid “FF” equal “French Fries”. They have to show a picture of the damn things. And why on God’s green earth should anyone, in the fast food industry, be knighted “Employee of the month?” Isn’t that an Oxymoron? That’s like calling some one a “model Prisoner.” And here’s another great idea from the powers that be, “Let’s hire the least understandable, gangsta-speakin’, job-hatin’, fucking derelict loser to handle our food.” Ya know, I’m strongly against abortion, but some of these punk ass thugs make me want to hit my local ghetto and go door to door handing out condoms and coat hangers. And I promise, you don’t want to get me started on those non-English speaking spokesmen for my order.
Well I’m going to go ahead and wrap this up by saying that as much as fast food pisses off yours truly, I still find myself in line thinking “I’m only here for the off chance that I might be one of the lucky few who get their shit right”. It’s my own shooting in the dark, hail Mary passing, buzzer beating, lucky scratch off attempt at winning the “my way” burger lotto sweepstakes. Which in retrospect, is probably as likely as helping a Genie and Leprechaun out of the same bottle. Some where God is looking down on all this and laughing his ever-loving Omniscient ass off; but fortunately for him, he doesn’t have to eat out.