OK, I'm not fucking around today. I'm going to just get right to the chase and start venting. Some of it might be funny, and some of it may not. I don't give a shit...coz I can't. You see, I'm just a screen full of words. But enough of that. Here we go...Oh great, I'm already off to a bad start. Maybe it's the color of this page. Fuck that, I'm a professional and I can work through this.
What the hell is the problem with black comedians? I'm sooo sick of hearing about the differences between black people and white people. It's like all they can talk about. "You see, us black people do this, and you white people do that. Aren't our differences hilarious?" Yeah they WERE funny, back when the idea was cutting edge. Like back when Richard Pryor was doing it 40 years ago. It's like there is one "Black Man's Guide To telling Race Jokes" book floating around out there, and every black comedic hack is lifting bits from it. You guys, it's not fucking funny anymore. Move the fuck on already. Even that fat talentless fuck "Rerun" on What's Happenin had a silly dance he could do. Why Can't more black comedians be like Will Smith? Not once have I heard him bring up race shit, and he makes me laugh a lot. And another thing, I use to watch Def Comedy Jam, back when it was on the air (mainly to watch these fucking useless wastes of space fall out of their chairs laughing, like it was the funniest thing they had ever heard) and not once did I think any of it was either cutting edge or funny. There's only so many different ways I can hear "being black, I grew up poor...I got a mean daddy...my parents never bought me anything...blah blah blah...white people suck...did I mention I was black?." The funniest part of Def Comedy Jam was watching Russell Simmons lisp his way through an interview. I am mesmerized by adults who lisp.
I watch a lot of politcal news. It's a hobby of mine. I get to see a lot of political analyst, who went to Harvard and Yale. Supposedly some of the brightest minds out there; but nothing amazes me like watching a grown man mangle the English language, with an uncanny ability to lisp like a FUCKING THREE YEAR OLD!!! I'm watching one or another discuss the finer points of a Bull market, or how 12th century Islamic radicals viewed the West; all the while not being able to keep their FUCKING TOUNGES IN THEIR MOUTHS!!! I see it everywhere; The store, a restaurant, the news. Parents have gotten so fucking lazy that they just say "ah screw it, they'll fix that when he gets old enough to go to school." I had issues when I was two, but I had a proactive mother that corrected me until I learned. The parents that really make me fucking sick are the ones who think it's "cute". Lisping looks retarded. I don't care how old you are. And the older you are, the dumber you look. Surely a lisping person can hear himself sound like Silvester the fucking cat..."THUFFERIN' THUCKATASH...I THPEAK LIKE AN IMBOTHIL!!!" It's one thing to struggle with your speech coz of a stroke, or coz you are mentaly challenged, or had a disabling injury or something; but not coz you are just to fucking lazy to work on your dumb ass shit. So you put the rest of us in hell by slobbering all over you and me and everyone else within spit-shot. Butchering our forfathers language with your clumsy-mouth antics. I just want to tell these people "Dude, don't even fucking look at me until you learn to speak like a big boy...I ought to kick your ass for coming to me with that baby shit!" WHY ARE SOME OF YOU STILL LISPING AS ADULTS???!!! That shit bugs me to tears. Listen to me, it's simple: Pull your tongue back in your mouth when you talk. There is NO words in the English laguage where your tongue should fall halfway out of your mouth. And if you are one of those class-B lispers, who I like to call "Shlurpies"; like the mean sister with braces on South Park, quit making that spitty sound with your cheeks. They don't say "Slurpie." They say "Shlurpie", but they say it through their cheeks, with this God awful slurping sound. Hear me lispers, listening to you is fucking torture...and sooner or later I'm just going to snap.
You know what I miss? I miss watching parents beat the shit out of their kids in a grocery store. When I was a kid, it was inevitable. Some kid was going to act up, and he was going to get his ass beat while you were in the store. And your only job was to find that fish-eye mirror in the corners of the store, in hope for a glimpse of this ass-whipping. God, that was great! Remember? This was back when grocery stores had discount shoe racks, and some fidgety kid was trying on shoes and not acting right; then the next thing you know...WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!....AAAAAGGGGHHH.....WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!...OW! OW! OW!...AAAGGGHHH!!! Man, I loved that shit back then. Some frazzled mom always had this sugar-buzzed kid by the arm, swinging his ass backwards into this frenetic, frenzied swatting motion. I mean just tearing that ass up, like she was tenderizing it for burgers. The whole time I would be thinking "Yeah, that's it...fuck his ass up lady!!!...the rotten bastard needs to learn how to act like me." I use to walk into stores with my mom KNOWING that before I left, some poor bastard was going to forget how to act, or say 'no' to his mom, or just plain lose his Goddamn mind right there in the store. I just prayed that it was going to be in my aisle, so I could see it. It was some of the funniest shit ever. I was always hoping some kid was getting whipped when I got there, coz it would help me temper my own inner desire to fuck up. My mom didn't fuck around, and believe it or not, I'm glad. Hey, I'm not in jail. Or worse, I could be a lisping grown up, with a grown up size ass kicking coming. She did a pretty damn good job. But now (Thanks to Doctor Spock, Oprah, and all those other fucking whiny liberals) people are affraid to do shit. Not me, if I ever have kids, he'll get what my mom gave me if he don't act right. He can be one of those smart ass little shits who say "I'll call the cops", and I'll say "if they've got a 10 minute car ride, then you've got a 10 minute ass whipping coming. I'll whip you WITH that fucking phone, if you don't hurry up and pick me out a belt." Time Out? Fuck Time out! We had "Time Out" when I was a kid, it just wasn't called that. It was called "now go to your room before I bust your ass AGAIN." And trust me, going to my room wasn't the part that sucked.
Kids today have everything: TV's, DVD players, Cell Phones, Playstations and shit. I mean let's just talk about the DVD players. Now the VCR didn't come out til I was past the age of spankings. Kids today can avoid a spanking by watching one of their many movies they have on DVD, and that can easily occupy them for an hour and a half. Ofcourse not me; nope, we had the VIEW MASTER. Remeber that shit? Like bi-noculars With the little circular paper photo cartridges? "Hey, what are you doing in there Christopher?"......."I'm watching 'Escape From Witch Mountain'.......................CLICK CLICK..........CLICK CLICK..........You know, Tony&Tia............CLICK CLICK.........CLICK CLICK." Fuck that stupid shit! It's No wonder why a good kid like I was, still got spankings. I was fucking bored into mischief.
Well anyway, I wanted to wrap this one up by explaining to those who take the time to read this stuff, that I know that I may seem really hard on people; but I assure you that I'm even harder on myself. I am the king of doing and saying some of the stupidest shit, at the worst fucking times. And I, from time to time, will share one of these with you...And I will make now, one of those times:
So in speaking of mischief, me and a friend I grew up with were sitting around watching TV late one night, and Friday the 13th part 2 was on. We were probably 16 at the time. Hormones kicking way out of control, when a kill scene came on. Jason is chasing this chick in the woods, and she was fucking incredibly hot. We both were like way turned on by this chick. So she's half naked, and screaming, and gorgous; but here comes this prick Jason to kill this hottie. And the closer it came time to kill her, the more Jason was pissing us off. Right when he's about to kill her, my friend looks at me with such pathetic desperate confusion and whines "Man, why doesn't he at least rape her first?" And I was so troubled by the fact that Jason just waisted some good pussy, that all I could do was just look down, nod my head in disgust, exhale and respond...... "Coz he's sick!" Our thought at the time was "What sick fuck murders good pussy without at least tapping that shit first?" Then we gave it a little thought, and came to an understanding. Shortly after that we turned the movie off and considered going to church more often.
Well, that just about does it. I hope you've enjoyed this edition to Ryle's Rants. If you haven't; then Fuck you, buy a GROUND CD. And if you own a CD; then Fuck you, buy a T-shirt. And if you own both; then Fuck me, I'll try harder next time.....Coz You guys rock!
Your Singer,
Christopher Ryle