Grundle Theory for Beginners
Everything you know is wrong.
From your childhood you have been told about gravity, and about the nature of human anatomy, and it is LIES! there is a force at work that the scientists are afraid to unveil to the world; the factor that determines the very nature of time, space and rock and roll. The scientists have even left this force unnamed in an attempt to hide it from the public. Here, however, we are not content to see this lie spread before the world. Ladies and gentlemen, this is....
THE GRUNDLE
Feel underneath your scrotum - there is a long, cylindrical object that is connected to the back of john thomas. this is the Grundle. It is this that keeps you alive, keeps our universe in shape and permits life. The grundle is not a part of you; you are a part of it.
(N.B. Due to our infinite cunning and good taste, we cannot show a Grundle on this page. We asdvise you to look at your own, or ask someone else to see theirs)
Grundle Physics
The Grundle is not a muscle as the scientific world would have us believe, but a spinning object held together by its own mass and forces of Gravity. Our bodies are nothing but the outlying particles of the Grundle, which are not fully pulled in by its attractive force. A fast-spinning Grundle means that these particles are pulled in close to the grundle, which will mean either a short or a thin organism, depending upon the Tilt Factor of the Grundle in question. A slow-spinning Grundle results in the wider spreading of the material present, meaning that a bloated organism is formed.
The Grundle is made up of many fibres, all of which spin in accordance with the laws of the Grundle. The cause of the Grundlespin is the force of direction of the particles as they initially accumulated (n.b. the reproduction of the Grundle is outlined in a later section).
As the Grundle spins, it is necessary to eliminate the heat that would build up from friction. This is achieved by the production of the superb lubricant known to the world as shmegma (and known to Cameron as French Cheese, and to Stibbsy as skrippage). When this lubricant has passed its sell-by date, it is ejected into the space at the end of the Grundle, where it must be lovingly and frequently removed in order to safeguard the health of the holy Grundle. The 5th Recommendment is designed to remind all Grundlists of this essential duty.
The direction of spin of the Grundle determines the sexual orientation of the subject. A clockwise-spinning Grundle produces a sexually cunning being, in accordance with Fleming's Left-Hand Grundle Rule. An anticlockwise-spinning Grundle produces a strong backwards sexual urge, thus producing deviant sexualities. Deviant sexualities are welcomed by the Temple of Grundle, along with everyone else, except for apeople who are anything-ist, except for -istist.
As the more experienced among you may have discovered through extensive research is that the Female of the species is not endowed with a Grundle. This is due to another of the basic rules of Grundle Physics. This is that OPPOSITES ATTRACT. This is the one thing that conventional science got right. A female body has, instead of a Grundle, a Dark Matter Grundle. This is, in essence, an AntiGrundle. It is a space full of nothing which spins in such a way as to attract the forward sexual urge of the clockwise Grundle. It is for this reason that anticlockwise Grundles are not attracted to the female, but, as they display opposite ends, the back end of one is attracted to the front end of the other. It is in this cunning way that Grundle Physics explains what were previously mysteries of the Universe.
The Grundle is a collection of spinning matter. Due to forces unknown even to the most advanced Grundle Research Teams, this matter arranges itself, while spinning, into fibres. It is the thickness of these fibres that determines the celibacy level of the organism. An organism with thin fibres does not have the attraction capacity of one with thick fibres; hence the thin-fibred organism is more likely to be celibate than the thick-fibred one. The Grundle Research Teams are currently involved in the Human Grundlefibre Project, attempting to decode the Human Grundle, and discover the true secret of Fibre Thickening, a practice long lost, but discovered in references on the walls of long-buried Egyptian temples, indicating that the ancients had knowledge of the Grundle. With the secret of Fibre Thickening made public, we hope to abolish the evils of Celibacy forever!!!
What we do but believe to be sperms are in fact particles from the very core of the Grundle. They enter the female organism and are met in the Dark Matter Grundle. This field provides them with their spinning force. This tiny spinning object, known as a Zygrundle, begins to attract more matter to it due to its spinning force. This matter forms into fibres, and begins to form an outer organism. The completion of the initial organism takes about.. nine months... If the Grundle retains its power past a certain point, it continues to become a male organism. If it spins too fast, it creates the gravitational vacuum known as the Dark Matter Grundle, and becomes a female.
Extend the hand as shown, and observe the position of the fingers. First comes the Middle Finger. This must be pointed towards the Grundle of the Earth (downwards, normally...) and then the thumb must be positioned. The Thumb is Motion. This is the direction of spin of the Grundle from the back (for a clockwise spinning Grundle, on the Left hand, the motion will be to the right). This leaves the other finger, the Sexual Urge finger. It points forwards, so therefore the organism will be heterosexual. If the Direction of spin is anticlockwise, then the force will be backwards, and a deviant sexuality will be produced. Hooray.