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Gordon, I hate you.

(Gordongram - You'll thank me for this later. Call it tough love)

I'll level with you right now. I'm not the hottest man on Earth. I'm 23 years old, 5'8, and I have a slight overbite. I have swimmer's arms, a runner's legs, and a teddy bear's body. I couldn't judge another man to ... Wait, I'm doing the women, right? Well in that case, I have all I need to cover that field (something 5/6 of the GSNN staff has)... a Y-chromosome. That said...

HOT ZONE 2: The Southeast - the ladies...

After seeing JD Roberto, fresh from unemployment since Animal Planet's "You Lie Like a Dog", we get eight Southern Belles. Four will continue at the ball, while the other four will have songs written by DF Dub about them.

But first, the results from the online poll show that Cari and Lisa are hot enough as judged by the 18 people who watched this show to continue.

Here are the eight mannequins strutting around for your ... ermm... amusement this week:

Lady #1 - Charity Hodges; 24; student; Tampa, FL - She's definitely got it in the right places. But what say the judges?
Randolph - ("Well, I think we know what your best asset is. Tell me about the twins, are they real?") Body - 8.2, Face - 8.3, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - ("I think you need to do bangs or something going on up there.") Face - 7.6, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Lorenzo - ("I'd get up to congratulate you, but I think I'd spill my water.") Face - 8, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 25 + 24.6 + 26.5 = 76.1 points

And BTW, according to Charity, they're not real.

Lady #2 - Butter Jones; 27; hairstylist; Atlanta, GA - Someone pass a roll. ... Okay, that was lame. Anyway, she sashays out on the runway and here come the Yankee cheers!
Randolph - ("So let me ask you a question, you like butter on your biscuits?" To which Butter replies, "Only when it's coming with a lot of bread." No... THAT was lame!) Face - 6, Body - 7.1, Sex Appeal - a 2, docked for the play. "You have the butter, but you don't have the biscuits, baby." Then this beauty spectacle gets ugly. And THAT's why she gets the two.
Rachel - Face - 5, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 4
Lorenzo - Face - 6.9 "'cause you are an attractive woman", Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 7
Total - 15.1 + 16 + 20.9 = 52 points

In the pre-commercial banter break, she says "The judges think that they gonna sit up there and insult me by pointing out my every little imperfection, and thinking that I wasn't going to point out theirs. So I really don't care what the judges' scores are; I'm STILL hot." Well... maybe to someone who likes that sort of thing, but not me. NEXT!

Lady #3 - Wendy Lynn DeRoche; 19; student; Cumming, GA - Now this is what I like, I like a lady who smiles a lot but doesn't overdo it.
Lorenzo - ("You are absolutely gorgeous.") Face - 8.9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - ("You've got great eyes.") Face - 8.5, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 9.6
Randolph - (Something American males were thinking all this time... "Now THAT's a beautiful bustline." But he had a problem with her knees. A while back, she was in the ER after being hit by an 18-wheeler. She's standing upright after uncertainty as to whether she was ever going to walk again, so "they're holding me up just fine.") Face - 8.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 27 + 27.3 + 27.5 = 81.8 points. Just proves that inner beauty shines no matter what.

Lady #4 - Chantille Boudousque; 24; student; New Orleans, LA - she looks just sculpted at times, and bouncy at times.
Randolph - ("I think you have a really feminine, refined, little doll face") Face - 9.9, Face - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8.5 (for being coached)
Rachel - ("I think you're the most tasteful woman we've seen here this entire show.") Face - 9.9, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9.9, three tenths shy of perfection (but as we all know, perfection is impossible... please don't expect it)
Lorenzo - ("Get comfortable with my flaw finder here." Looks like he's checking hips again.) Body - 9.5, Face - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 27.6 + 29.7 + 26.7 = 84 points

Lady #5 - Valerie White; 18; aspiring model; Conyers, GA - Kinda waifish, if you ask me.
Rachel - Body - 9, Face - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Randolph - ("You have the most beautiful eyes I've seen tonight.") Face - 9, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Lorenzo - ("I've got a burrito cooking down south, and it's almost ready.") - Body - 9.8, Face - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.9
Total - 26.4 + 26.5 + 29.6 = 82.5 points

Lady #6 - Aerial Farmer; 19; retail sales associate; College Park, GA - a great smile on a cheeky body.
Rachel (She gives Aerial the question, to which she responds, "These are all mine.") - Face - 8.9, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph ("I like that you're not just pushing it all in our face.") Face - 9, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Lorenzo ("Little bit on the soft side.") - Face - 9.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 27.1 + 26.7 + 28 = 81.8 points

Lady #7 - Carolyn Moore; 21; Student; Atlanta, GA - she looks like she can kick my butt.
Randolph - ("Spandex can only stretch so far.") Face - 7.1, Body - 8.1, Sex Appeal - 8.2
Rachel - Face ("I was a little scared that it was going to be a little showgirly.") - 7, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - ("Your nose is just a little bit crooked.") Face - 8, Body - 8.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 23.4 + 25 + 25.8 = 74.2 points

Lady #8 - Caroline Erlandson; 34; mother and homemaker; Atlanta, GA - to paraphrase Evan Marriott, she looks "damn good" for a 34-year-old mother...
Rachel - Body - 7, Face - 9, Sex Appeal - "I have to give you a 5."
Randolph - ("You had a baby?") Face - 7.2, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 6.8
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 21 + 22 + 23.5 = 66.5 points

"Eight of these people will move one step forward in their dream of becoming America's sexiest people." Getting on my soapbox here... but if that's your dream, then you must lead a pretty empty life...

And the ladies who are hot enough to advance to the public vote are Wendy Lynn, Chantille, Valerie, and Aeriel. And if I see another pierced navel, it'll be too soon. Go to ABC.com and vote. Personally, I think Wendy Lynn and Chantille will move on to the semis. Just playing on a hunch. Valerie did score higher, but she's really lanky, I think. But that's my opinion, I could be wrong.