March 25, 1999

Somnambulism University

Dear insert your name here:

Your RBT (Really Big Test) scores show that your grades are high enough to make our school look good and that you really, really know how to spell your own name. We know damn little about you, but we assure you that we are going to find the best way to convince you to spend your money, time and stress attending our college. We want you to come to our college because you are good enough, you're smart enough and doggoneit, people like you.

What you will get out of attending our University:

• True love
• Hour upon hour of stress filled panic
• The cure for insomnia, the common cold and emphysema
• The meaning of life
• A suicidal drug addict for a roommate, with whom you will never get along (if you are a suicidal drug addict, we will make sure to set you up with a shallow, looks obsessed, egomaniac who will hate the thought of even looking at you)
• Abusive hazing
• The only nudist or "clothing optional" college campus in all the world
• Honor of being at one of the top locations of haunting activity and unexplained deaths and other occurrences in this great country, replete with it's own gate to the 22nd Dimension
• Religious freedom
• And the right to serve only two presidential terms

  Our university has a long-standing tradition of freshmen dropouts and deadpan teachers, as well as our special knack of spreading false rumors during the application period to kill off the competition. Our excellent intern program extends as far as Chunky Bob's BBQ Shack downtown and we annually sell some students on the white slave market as part of our "study a broad" program in order to make a little extra cash and appease some of our more exclusive investors.

  We encourage you to come visit our alternate, visitors only campus, located in the rolling hills of Smalltown, USA. This alternate campus is so our visitors will not be mugged by our real students, who get a little excited at the sight of "fresh blood" and "innocent souls"; we assure you that these are inside jokes and are relatively harmless. It also looks a Hell of a lot better then the actual campus. Also, if you cannot visit, please ask us to send you our video tour so that you can still get the subliminal messages, even if half-an-hour of static isn't as good as visiting the real* thing.

  You will come to our college, you just don't know it yet. We might, however, consider waving your attendance for a contribution of a full four years of tuition plus selling your soul to our Dean of Students. We would like to apologize ahead of time for any mail lost while removing the letters from other colleges, we wouldn't want them to lie to and confuse you.

  We want you,
  Stan Somethingorother Dean of Admission

  PS- We assure you that we know nothing about the large black van parked on the other side of the street, directly in front of your house. You are just being paranoid. Go out and take a walk, it's easier for our men to tranquilize and ear-tag you that way.

  * we use the term "real" loosely as well as any other word contained in this document, excepting perhaps "cash" and "doggoneit"

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